Overcoming Rejection: The Power of Embracing Your True Identity

ep 91. Social interaction, with its challenges and complexities, is shaped by deep-rooted influences that play a crucial role in defining who we become as individuals. From the foundational stages of parenting, to navigating the school system, and eventually maturing into adolescence and adulthood, we face immense pressure to conform. This pressure often leads us to betray our authentic selves in search of social approval and validation, which, while offering temporary connection and status, is frequently conditional and fleeting. This quest for social value can quickly transform into rejection, bullying, or even violence, leaving lasting emotional and mental scars.

Understanding and embracing our authentic self is key to nurturing and protecting our mental health. By becoming aware of the forces shaping our identity, we can better navigate social environments, reduce the risk of emotional pain, and safeguard ourselves from potential trauma. Cultivating self-awareness allows us to maintain emotional resilience, avoid toxic relationships, and stay true to our values in an ever-changing social landscape. Protecting your authentic self is an act of self-care. Take care of yourself, stay true to who you are, and walk confidently along your journey. Walk well. 

Transcript

Welcome back folks to episode 91 of the Running Man Self-Regulation Skills Project Podcast with me, your host Dr. Armando Dominguez, PhD in Health Psychology, licensed professional counselor and an adjunct professor at a local community college. And what I'd like to discuss today in the first podcast of 2025, Thursday, August 2nd, kind of late at night, hanging about. And I want to discuss authenticity and

Attachment now attachment styles are something that have been written about as of late and Has been a media honey amongst those that are therapists and those seeking to understand how we interact and attach in relationships this sort of thing and also Authenticity something that dr. Gabor Matei has written about rather extensively in his books That have been highly lauded one is the the myth of normal and the other is in the realm of hungry ghosts

touch upon some really distinct points having to do with not only attachment style, but also our loss of our authentic self. And this sense of authenticity when we interact with people is one of the things that we often are seeing lacking whenever we're interacting in the marketplace, so to speak, and we're wearing that mask of the polis, so to speak, the mask of the marketplace and that socialized ego driven self.

is something that we use our self-image and I know that I joke most of the time about how most of us believe in this thing that we call ego or self-image when in actuality it's just an idea and it doesn't really exist. It is merely something pointing at the reality of what the real self is but yet we still believe in it and take offense when people call it names. So in this vein we're going to be looking at authenticity. We're going to be looking at attachment style.

And what brings us to the point that these two things are so darned important, not only to how we relate, because we as humans are relational creatures. And why is it that how we attach is affected by not only environment and acceptance by others, but also whether or not we ever show or share our authentic self, which in and of itself, long enough practice and enough habituation have said,

armando (02:52.625)
playing within the realm of the ego and the self-image and we forget to Be ourself anymore it's a lost cause at times for some at the end of a life to realize that we were acting in a way versus being ourselves and doing what it is that we do and I would say acting in a way in quotes because it is an act just like a mask

And whenever we get stuck thinking that the mask is more real than who the real self is, then we have a conundrum. And we're going to address that conundrum today. So what I'd like to address first is the fact that I've put together a list of 10 A's that have to do with authenticity and also attachment. And authenticity and attachment are the two primary A's in the discussion we're going to have.

But we're also going to be discussing attention. Attention has to do with whenever we're eyes on somebody, whenever somebody that is preverbal, when they're small, when we're raising kiddos, children, babies, it is the eyes that give us that sense of not only attention, but a sense of somebody being attentive to us, but also the fact that we have value. Our very first initial senses of valuation.

is when we can recognize somebody not only calling us and giving us what we need when we cry, when we're cold, when we're little, before we're able to take care of ourselves, but when we're able to see for ourselves that our parents or our nurturing adults are making eye contact with us or that whenever I'm moving and they notice that our eyes are looking in their direction, always checking on them, this gives them not only a sense of value,

that they come to understand as survivability and maybe not in the higher cortical sense. Hey, they value me because they're looking at me. This is something we come to understand after the fact as a retrofit process, if you will. But the same thing that we're talking about here is what we feel whenever we're being attended to. And whenever we see people that are working really hard to get attention when they're older, and we're talking about kids, teenagers, of course.

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but also even adults, very very mature adults into their 30s, 40s and 50s that didn't get enough attention and recognition and validation of their own self and maybe were coddled enough, cared for enough, maybe even touched enough in the sense where they were given hugs or even validated and encouraged that often through our life these people work really hard to get that attention. They wouldn't even

move in the direction of working in areas where attention is on them or eyes are on them or what they do become spectacular or over-the-top just to have people's eyes on them or attention or talking about them and These are maturations of things that happen whenever we're very small when we're infant when we are truly right out of the womb and starting to grow so these are some very powerful forces

Now some other A's that I want to add to this is also acceptance and altruism. We'll be discussing that. And then closer to attachment style, we're going to be discussing the avoidant attachment style, also an anxious attachment style. And then we're going to be looking at what it is that might cause those attachment styles to occur. Now back to the beginning.

So what is authenticity? Well, it's whenever I'm being myself without having to running through the filter of ego or self-image and maybe just being myself in my truest sense and often we hear people talk about well when I'm around this person, I really feel comfy. I feel like I can just let it all hang out and be myself or whenever I'm home, I kick my feet up and wear my house shoes and my

my bathroom and I'm just hanging out and I'm just being comfy and playing video games and that's my true self. When we hear statements like these people are just basically giving us the narrative that tells us these environments are non-threatening to me physically such that I can relax and calm and put my feet up but also it's not threatening to my ego or the sense of self and I don't feel like I'll be judged at least negatively we judge things continuously but as far as character value judgment this sort of thing

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And there's no worry about having to vie for acceptance or attention and validation. And these three things tend to go pretty well together when it comes to attachment as well when we're very young. But being the authentic self, one doesn't have to do anything to be that. We are that. The problem is over time, in many years, we get conditioned to act in certain ways to be accepted out in the marketplace.

when we're out and about among people and doing business and school and we put on airs and act as if and put on the show and maybe act within the confines and guidelines that are taught to us and expected of us so as to minimize one, our pain or potential rejection and also invalidation or worse. And sometimes bullying can go really far and that is a very extreme level of no acceptance or rejection.

And that is something to be considered when we're looking at some of the social dynamics, the forces that might shape whatever it is that's going to become my social, interactive, relational response. So what is attachment? Well, attachment has a lot to do with how we relate with people. Some people that have, for instance, an anxious attachment style have that sense of

like someone's going to abandon me or leave me very quickly. And maybe the leaving hasn't happened or maybe it did for a short time when we were very young, but it was enough to imprint on us such that we have an exaggerated way of relating to people where we start getting a little energized, maybe a little worried, can't sleep, where we kept checking, keep checking on things, making sure people are still there or things are going a certain way. And we're worrying about people taking away that attention, that eyes on quality.

that sense of presence in my area and you might be present but if you're not attentive where they can see you looking or interacting or talking with them they may feel people with an anxious attachment style like you're not there. You're there but you're not with them and they feel often more anxious and maybe even offended. Now an avoidant attachment style would be one where when somebody is trying to give affection

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they will walk away from it or reject it and often this comes from probably a more extensive separation or maybe an abandonment in the truest sense where maybe somebody has left whenever they were very young and old enough to know that they depend on these people for their affection and for their nurturing and for their able to get food and life and hugging and stuff like that and all of sudden this person that's filling that role is gone.

And whether it be like in Gabor Matei's example, six weeks, one that could be months or years, and maybe even a decade, people develop behaviors to help fill in that lack of payoff that says, oxytocin, I'm bonding, dopamine, that feels good, and I live therefore, I thrive, and I win. And the body starts to down-regulate the dopamine that is made because

It's not needing to pay off a win whenever one is feeling bad or one is more apt to have less payoff chemical to be able to do certain social things and things may turn into aberrations where people will start using external methods such as opiates to fill in that sense of comfort and warmth that may come in otherwise from physical affection from a parent or loved one.

So artificial means may be used to fill in. So the avoidant and anxious attachment styles are very physiologically driven, especially if there's been a traumatic event. Now we'll discuss a little more about trauma and pain and the fact that they're not mutually inclusive, but they're very influential in development of not only attachment types, but also in how we tend to squash or limit

our authentic self, especially if there is any kind of lesson promised by being ourselves of getting the payoff, getting the kindness, acceptance into the group since we are such relational social creatures. Now, the next thing I want to touch upon is acceptance. Whenever one is seeking acceptance, this is still part of the development, once again, of the attachment style and maybe

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what we would call the betrayal of the authentic self. We start seeking acceptance from people, acceptance, eyes on attention and validation. It's what gives us that sense of I belong. I may not look like them, but for some reason they take me and we see a lot of this wherever we have broken homes, where the male figure is gone from the home. There tends to be higher levels of miscreant conduct and also

where kids start getting into cliques and gangs or in groups that might use drugs in an underground fashion where they're finding places and things to do that are technically off the grid or maybe hiding from authorities, this sort of thing, because they might be wrong, but they're trying to find ways to support each other. They're trying to seek those things that what we used to call a nuclear family would provide.

Healthy one mind you or wherever we had healthy parents and parenting and maybe healthy extended family as well. It was supportive Helping people not only grow but also providing all kinds of models of what would be a healthy behavior and what's expected Whenever you get older right now we have this huge gap and lack of what would be a coming-of-age step or ceremony that many years ago from manhood

for the young boys and for womanhood whenever, of course, first menses occurred. But for boys, often it would be the first time where they were able to provide for themselves and bring food for the tribe and brought them into manhood where they were respected as men and no longer treated as children. We lack that. We've lost this in modern cultures across the world. And we see it going away further and further as not only our modern

electronic influence is growing, but as the world grows smaller, see that we have cross-cultural infusion going. The oriental Japanese in particular influence of manga, instance, and anime has influenced several generations now that has created a mix of not only terminology but also a familiarity with

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culture from overseas that before was unprecedented and unless you were traveling somehow and We're seeing the influence of said cultures in their mindsets and beliefs as well. These aren't bad things necessarily but just to note the influence and The fact is we're creating a difference in how we interact We're not growing up as fast as we used to and we're becoming less independent in our early

to late adolescence, late adolescence being now to about age 25, wherever our brain fully develops and we're no longer going into the marketplace as a worker anymore other than just a consumer and staying at home longer. So there are some differences in not only how we attach but also our motivation and our desires to move into what we would be looking at in a more paleo sense, our procreative peak.

to be able to move out on our own, so to speak, and start our own families, if that was the goal. And now we are seeking just to pleasure ourselves or find distraction. And those are some huge differences. Now, what we're gonna look at next from acceptance is the fact that we have found those groups and distractions and ways to find acceptance amongst disparate.

people and groups and things versus family if we have a dysfunctional family. There are some times that we see in the literature that are many that go towards, there are many people in particular that go towards gang activity that they seek acceptance there and the acceptance they get even though it's unhealthy is not particularly judgmental in the sense of about the individual and how they are and what they look like.

but they have a safe place in the group to be around and they develop very twisted loyalties such that they're even tested and pushed to develop new ethics and dropping moral so to speak to wherever they will be willing to do what they're being told by peer pressure which if you're a teen of course we're very peer pressure oriented and very much influenced by that but in the gangs this is used as a segue into the higher levels of activity such as

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not only misgivings behavior but also criminal behavior or even violence for that matter and we see the influence of groupthink versus you thinking alone you think like the group and this is one of the misunderstandings that with regular healthy family we learn to walk on our own and stand our own two feet and to think independently versus if you go and involve yourself in a group you get influenced by the group

And then it's the group think that's very much a Marxist ideal, wherever it's the collective that's more important than your individual thought. But yet they still prize the creativity of those few that can play within that realm and develop dominance. So it is a very strange interplay that occurs within that dynamic of not only gang activity, but groups. And it's a very powerful influence when we're very young. Now, acceptance is one of those things that

Whenever you belong to a group and in group, it's easy and there's payoff and you're popular and maybe you're good looking, even if you're not. But if the groups accept you, your value goes up, your social value, your social market value. Now you may be more datable. You may be more attractive because you belong to the group and you may be more acceptable and people may be more apt to look over your flaws. Notice what we're doing here is that we're talking about encouraging, but also conditioning someone.

to believe and act in a certain way. Remember we started talking about authentic self. How much farther have I grown away from my authentic self if I am bending and flexing to walk within certain guidelines and doing what I'm told and act in a certain way and dressing a certain way that's not to my liking but yet it's something that I'm doing because I like being liked, I like being accepted. Even if these clothes don't look good on me I'm still gonna do it so I can look like everyone else.

and we belong to that tribe in that tribal quality. This does not necessarily denigrate tribal affiliations because it's not a bad thing. But tribalism is a very limited thing in a more modern sense because it limits our ability to grow as an individual sometimes in a very larger, very much larger social sense. So we have to keep this in mind as well, keep it in context.

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Tribalism, the way it's described in the political sense, is very negative, but certain tribal aspects are very useful and beautiful, such as raising children in certain tribes. Often these tribes have little to no anxiety, but part of it is because these people are never alone, and they're always within eyes' view or arm's reach of other people whenever they need them. And there's no need to get away because they live in small enough groups that it doesn't induce anxiety.

even though you may not like somebody, you can always walk away, but you also know that you all kind of belong and there's a certain level of acceptance as well. So there are certain rules and guidelines, yes, but things to think about. It's not all terrible. Now the next thing, altruism. So what's the deal with altruism? Often whenever we're looking at acceptance, it's a radical acceptance of sorts, and the Zen Buddhists talk about

everything being an illusion and illusion is a great thing to speak of when you want to sound elitist if you will and speak to people about how their problems aren't really that big of a deal and you just have to change your mind once again the unicorns crapping rainbows adage and those things do work when you do and create a visualization but in reality just changing your thought isn't going to change the reality what's going on with your body especially if you're in chronic pain

or in threat or danger, you're not going to make that saber-toothed tiger run away whenever you're wearing the bologna sandwich suit. Probably not a good thing. But whenever we put things in context, we're looking at the fact that our thoughts are very much influenced by our environment, but also my physical state. And often, those are the things that are closest to that self, that authentic self. And we choose sometimes.

to do those things that'll bring us closer to group, to bring us closer to relationship, especially if we fear being alone. That's that anxiety or anxious attachment style, or maybe fear of abandonment. And whenever we do make those decisions that bring us closer to others, and maybe I don't enjoy being around people, but I don't want to be left alone or left behind, because I don't want to be the bologna sandwich. I don't want to get eaten by the tiger. Then sometimes we make a deal.

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such that we pick attachment with group, affiliation and relationship with group versus being alone and maybe not being accepted or maybe even being rejected and that's where we fly in the face of our own authentic self sometimes. And we may lose our authentic self if that fear or the discomfort of losing those things that I value so much that I happily put that aside.

or I squash it somehow, or maybe even wound it in the sense that I'm trying to hide it and I don't want people to see the real me because if they saw the real me they might not like me. They may not accept me, they might flat out reject me or hurt me for that matter. These are some things that go through the mind sometimes of somebody that struggles. And I say it in the way that I do because I've heard this many times whenever I've been providing clinical assistance, but also just with people, listening to people, hearing people talk.

And some of the stories that we read, some of the historical journeys that people have taken have had much to do with seeking adventure whenever they've been most authentically honest with themselves and not being stuck or tied down. But also the tragedies whenever somebody doesn't seek quest or adventure because they're afraid of losing acceptance or losing their connections to their group.

or the relationships and therefore setting their authentic self on the back burner. Maybe even further back. So these are some ideas to consider. But authenticity and attachment are very important things to us as human beings, we're relational beings. Some really good resources, I just want to list a couple, to consider whenever we're looking at not only authenticity but also attachment and the fact that

Trauma is often implicated in how we develop attachment style. the books, the following ones I want to mention are very useful tools. One is by Peter Levine called Waking the Tiger. And there's another that's called The Body Keeps the Score, phenomenal workbook as well. Also, there's a book that's more for working with the reactivity of the body itself in the psoas muscle. And that's called The Psoas Book. And that is one of the muscles that flexes.

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our body forward whenever we're under stress and it is not a thinking process but a feel process at that point to understand that whenever that's always firing we're somehow always under stress of some sort in our environment and it's created some very real tension in our body that can cause backaches among other things whenever there's no injury there and there are quite a few others now the realm of the hungy grove ghosts is written by was written by Gabor Matei phenomenal book

and also Myth of Normal. These are some good books to look at that are very useful in giving you not only information but an idea as to how we work psychologically and emotionally, but also how we develop as a result of trauma. Now just want to point out two things. One is that trauma and pain are not necessarily mutually inclusive. You can have a painful event, but yet not be traumatized.

Yet you can also have trauma, but you can't have it without a painful event and the trauma is what occurs to us on the inside But it's not always involved in what it is. It would be a betrayal of that authentic self sometimes it's just pressure from our environment and the perceived sense or expectation of pain maybe not even trauma, but just expectation of pain or rejection and even though these things may be subjective

There may be enough to motivate us to either treat ourselves in a sense that we are not going to present our most authentic self and our authentic self face forward whenever we're out and about in the market. And these are some important thoughts to have whenever we're thinking about raising kiddos and also being attentive so that we can encourage healthy attachment styles and that we can encourage and nurture.

are little ones while they're still their most authentic selves. And if you have a chance, look into the eyes of a little one and see that universal, all accepting everything's new way of looking at things and try to remember yourself whenever you had those eyes. That's really important. So for now, thank you for spending this late Thursday evening with me. I love talking to you. And if you have any comments or questions, please send them to the email at running man, get skills.

armando (26:44.04)
Gmail I'd love to hear from me once again. Also, we're available on all podcast platforms available on the internet and Also, if you look us up on YouTube and you subscribe and hit the notification bill I would certainly appreciate that it would help us get out to more people if you do that and certainly today's topic was one that was rather broad and I wanted to touch upon it because we're all moving into a new year and

We're all wanting to improve and better ourselves if you've done the I'm going to change my life discipline thing. There's nothing wrong with that. I'm not making fun. And one of the best places to start is really starting with getting rid of all the extra, the self image and all that mess and just being yourself. And not only so other people can accept us, but rather so we can accept us. And I accept you wholeheartedly the way you are. And I certainly appreciate your time and your listenership.

Please share this. Take care. Walk well.