How Shame, Guilt, and the Need to Belong Impact Your Life and Identity

Ep 97. Humans, like all animals, have evolved to live in groups for safety, security, and the opportunity to thrive. Our deep-rooted need for belonging—whether to a family, tribe, city, or modern corporation—has been crucial for survival and genetic legacy. According to evolutionary psychology, shame and guilt are powerful self-correcting mechanisms that have helped us maintain harmony within these groups. These emotions were developed to prevent actions that could lead to exile, thus enhancing our survival chances.

In today’s world, shame and guilt continue to play a role in regulating behavior, but for some, they can contribute to social anxieties that keep us seeking approval from the "in" group. While the need to belong is a natural part of our psyche, it can also result in a loss of individuality and autonomy. Individuals may compromise their values and morals to fit in, potentially facing a darker version of groupthink or mob mentality.

Maintaining your center and staying true to yourself is more important than ever in a world that pressures conformity. Be mindful of the impact of group dynamics, and make sure you're walking your own path in a way that serves your authenticity. Take care and walk well.

Transcript

armando (00:27.416)
Welcome back folks to episode 97 of the Running Man Self-Regulation Skills Project Podcast with me, your host Dr. Armando Dominguez, Ph.D. in Health Psychology, licensed professional counselor and an adjunct professor at a local community college. And what we're going to discuss today are going to be the evolution of emotional restraints.

and how they play into not only our individual thinking, but also how we get along in the group and how it also impacts our descent into group thinking mob mentality. And I did a podcast a few weeks back on group thinking mob mentality and we're not going to go back into too much detail about that. But we are going to touch upon three emotional restraints that actually help us get along better, not only in group and family.

but also have evolved not only into restraints for better group activity, but also those things that start moving us towards emotional and mental sensitivities that may not always be so helpful to us in the modern day. So to begin the discussion, what we're going to look at is what evolutionary psychology has been looking at for quite a few years. And there is some theory to support this idea. So I definitely have no problem sharing this, but when we're looking at

the ideas of what we experience in shame and guilt within, let's say, the confines of a family or group, or maybe even at work or in a larger nationalistic setting, then we have also stress. comes as a result of maybe not being able to do something that we start developing anxieties and worries.

to the point of obsession in the sense of obsessive compulsive disorders. not always at the disorder level, but things that could make us have a sense of not only stress, but, dysfunction whenever we're interacting with people. But the important thing here isn't so much about the diagnosing of these things, but the recognition of what shame and guilt are, because there are such things as having a healthy sense of shame.

armando (02:40.623)
having a healthy sense of guilt and anxiety. If we know it as the survival mechanism I've been speaking about for well over about almost a year and a half now on this podcast, we realize that it's a natural extension of a protective mechanism within an environment that can be overwhelming. So without getting lost in the weeds. So what is shame and guilt and anxiety within, let's say a family or group or a village that we belong to.

Well, the evolutionary psychologists in their studies have looked at what it is that is served by having shame, by having guilt. And of course, anxiety we'll talk more about, but the shame and guilt aspects are tied to the social interactions that we have with people. If we do live amongst people, amongst groups and numbers of people, whether it be a small number, 10 to 15, up to 20 or 30 times that, what we're looking at,

moderately sized village, then we're interacting with people rather regularly. We may have some personal space, but also our individual goings on are technically public knowledge. So there are certain behaviors that we may or may not do in public as a result of things that keep us from getting the things that we need. Let's say food, shelter, or acceptance or protection from the group or the village. So therefore we may have a healthy sense of shame if I do something

that someone may catch me doing and that is a corrective behavior. But also having a sense of guilt is more self-corrective within the individual correction that might remind one of the things that could get one to the point where one could be in a shameful setting, being observed or judged by others that could very well impact our survivability. So in the perspective of living amongst numbers, having a healthy sense of shame and guilt,

may prevent you from doing something that could be maybe not harmful, but could be annoying or maybe even frustrating or could engender anger in somebody, especially somebody that could be involved in your care, your feeding and protection. And these are probably important people to make sure that we appease in that sense within the paradigm of I belong at this point or I'm part of this group or village. So

armando (05:04.247)
certain behaviors will start to evolve as a result of what is not only appropriate, but what is also accepted. And that definitely goes in the other direction, what is not appropriate, socially appropriate or accepted, or what we would call a social moray or a taboo starts to develop as a result. So we take into consideration learning vicariously whenever we're infants to toddlers and we're growing up amongst people.

within a certain social paradigm or group, family, village, whatever it may be, then we're consistently being modeled what it is that is appropriate, even if we're too young to understand why actually we don't touch the light socket because we don't understand electricity, for instance, and it could kill us in a more modern sense, but also understanding that there are certain behaviors that are not done and are shown to us to be forbidden or not allowed.

or unaccepted because it could bring about injury to you as an individual if they value you as part of the numbers that are growing for instance in a small tribe but also if it is along the lines of bringing something to bear that could hurt the group the numbers as well but you don't know just yet then you will be very quickly and and curtly instructed and sometimes rather painfully in some cases that would teach you a lesson not to do and

Essentially the understanding comes over time as to why not if we're very young, but if we're crossing that line home, we should know better then often the Corrections tend to be a little more rough and a little more Terminal in the sense not necessarily death, but it could be ousting from a group or asking somebody to leave or forcing somebody to leave a tribe and during paleo times numbers

were the game that was the game winning solution to staying alive longer, also getting the genetics into the next generation from that perspective. But if you want to live longer, you generally had to learn how to cooperate. And shame and guilt were developed as a result of having to live among numbers in the perspective of evolutionary psychology and how we think and learning how to cooperate with people. So the cooperative and also

armando (07:27.589)
in the nearer sense within that cooperation of living amongst numbers wherever we see each other regularly. Also, these are measures to prevent behaviors from allowing somebody to aggress or get angry. So therefore, we learn not to do those things because within a very short period of time, fractions of a moment maybe, frustration can turn to aggression and possibly anger and violence and

shame and guilt very closely resemble those things that would be breaks on a situation where one capitulates or or cowers down not cowers necessarily cows down to a dominant in the behavioral sense and allows them to know that you know their infraction and that you won't do it again and you're allowed to stay if you basically bow down for the most part or show your underbelly as animals do sometimes we as humans don't do so much that's different

in situations wherever maybe we were lone hunters or a small group and wanting to band together with a large group for our own safety and survivability, then this cooperative factor is amazing. But on top of that, there is a dynamic that occurs that is called friend and befriend. If we can show that we don't pose a threat to the people that we want to ally or band with, but also that we offer a benefit to them.

And by the friend and befriend quality, we can also start getting them to accept us and learn to accept us into the group if they see us as beneficial and helpful, so to speak. But the shame and guilt actually help drive the learning. But also when we're very young, the vicarious learning by watching the models and learning how to behave a certain way that teaches us what is appropriate social distance and boundary.

and we learn those very quickly by observing the inflections of facial and emotional body language and the sounds and tones of speech but also the abruptness of behavior the calmness within a behavior that didn't that tells us whether or not we are safe in the immediate moment or not so these all play a very big part in how we become part of a group and also it helps us to regulate our own behavior so this is truly

armando (09:50.087)
Primordial self regulatory skill building 101 one thing that we inherited some of it is even Potentially genetic wherever we can mirror in our mirror neurons fire whenever we see behaviors that are like ours that calm and soothe us but they also kind of give us that sense of needing to drive and become part of or with a group because of inherent need for safety security and this sort of thing

But the importance of this is that living in groups, we start seeing how people interact. And there is definitely pecking order that's involved. And this is nothing new. But the important dynamic within that is that we have to learn our place, but also understand that there are those that will put us on our place when we walk outside of that role, so to speak, once we are accepted into the group. So.

There is an external correction mechanism tied to shame. But then within, whenever nobody's there, we develop a sense of guilt. And what if we're absolutely by ourselves and we feel like we're afraid of making a move one direction or another. Now we're seeing the inception of what we now call the catch 22, the damned if you don't, damned if you do, regardless of what direction you point, then it's a matter of picking your own poison. So

You want to pick the lesser of two evils if you can, if you know. And at that point we have become within the group, less of an individual, so to speak. We lose some of our individuality because our freedom to choose and only for ourselves to the degree that our self extends and what benefits me and what I like or don't like is subsumed by the greater collective of the group.

So this is a very powerful thing to think about considering that we live in a very modern variant of this very small village or tribe dynamic and in much larger numbers, mind you, then we move much faster. Also, communications at a distance through silicon technology complicates this as well because we tend to assume a sense of intimacy as a result of being able to talk to somebody on a cell phone and there is a memory of them and relationship.

armando (12:10.821)
and a bind that even though they may not be there, it's likely quite there. So these are modern twists on what used to happen at a very individual, very within arm's reach personal level way back when we were still living in caves and doing hunter and gathering type behaviors. This next question is a rhetorical question and that is, well, what's the purpose then of shame and guilt other than just the

confines of the group in minding that, but really what it is, is a self regulatory skill that helps prevent aggressive self-assertion that keeps us in check from within versus having the environment keep us in check, which doesn't always bode well, especially if we're not really good at taking instruction or direction from somebody, especially from somebody or a group of somebody's, plural, that maybe we don't like, or we may be intimidated by. So,

This is where we start seeing a citizen's rebellion become problematic. Wherever those that descent from the common group and then we see splits in groups and villages and starting new tribes, this sort of thing. And also where we start seeing the beginning of arguments and group and familial warfare, so to speak. And I do mean warfare in the truest sense, where long time ago, the aggressive self-resertion

became the aggressive group assertion, the collective. And this is where we start seeing where we have a loss of individuality. Even though one individual may not want to harm or kill another, but yet within the confines of their own survivability in the future, this is where our future thinking starts becoming very important. We start feeling pressured to do that, which I otherwise would not participate in nor do as an individual. And we get pressured into doing things. And this is part of that.

catch 22. And often, if we do have to pick our poison, we may have to eliminate somebody whom before I didn't really have any problems with, but yet they have a problem with the leaders of the group that protect me and feed me and keep me safe from animals, then I have to act. That is a terrible pressure. Now in our, I would say more idealistic times, we are capable, yes, but also able to in a larger sense, exact as an individual our

armando (14:35.639)
defiance of what we would call a misguided group, misguided mob, but at the same time, the influences are still there. We still see those that succumb to it. And part of that has to do with their, maybe their inability to survive or the perception or belief that they're unable to survive without the group. And there may be some qualifiers there that may exactly be very true, but in a modern sense, we don't need groups to survive.

in the sense of living out in the wild anymore. But yet in the cities, in the country, wherever we have football games and soccer games and people get into brawls because they're upset because a soccer fan was saying something that was insulting that was from the other side, but yet they're wearing the opposite color. And then the mob aggresses and they get out of control and then it becomes a free-for-all. And this is the direction we're going.

So whenever we have this thrown away sense of social control, wherever we have that sense of shame and guilt within the group, we tend to take on and shoulder the responsibility of our neighbor to help them get along. We help them get along. They help us get along later in the future. And that's a positive collective. And that's one of the benefits of group in a positive sense. But whenever the group tends to drive,

in a sense that may seem misguided and may trounce and may be damaged individuals, then it becomes problematic. And this is where our descent from individual thinking, the best benefit ourselves, and the positive side of groupthink, the best benefit of the family and the village becomes a descent into groupthink that is not particularly positive, could be damaging, but also could leave a lot of damage.

in its weight potential damage. Not all of it physical to other people, but it could be damage to the individual as well. If one is acting within the group and that group influences such that there's wild emotional intensity, emotional contagion is a true issue that much study has been done on, but yet we as individuals act as part of the group in a way that compromises our morals and our ethics, then

armando (17:00.002)
there's emotional damage after the fact. These are the things that we hear from people that often have been incarcerated, have gone to war, or whenever involved in gang behavior, or even as a mob, small mob, school children sometimes, and teenagers, where people act because they're too concerned about being accepted and looked upon in a positive sense, or maybe they even fear being rejected and having the mob turn on them, that

People are left with the remnants and the memories of their having compromised their morals and principles. Now this doesn't happen to everybody, but there are certain circumstances where people stand up and they get hurt as a result of defending and protecting and doing the right thing. And whenever we're considering what these remnants are, often people have done things way out of character. And I've spoken about this before, and this is one of the popular cases within

psychology in the sixties about diffusion responsibility, like in the Kitty Genovese case where she was being assaulted, raped and killed. And there were people that saw and heard, but did not want to get involved. And mind you, this is in the 1960s and the studies were done after that. And the idea of diffusion responsibility came up where everyone kind of assumed that someone else was going to call and get involved. And there were people that were relatively close that could have affected some sort of action.

Even calling the cops and these things were not done until it was too late now Whenever we're looking at the remnants once again This is where the shame and guilt becomes a prison to an individual where one can't go back and undo what is done But yet the pressure of the group that has descended into mob mentality or negative group can be very problematic to the individual the individual loses one sense of self under the pressure

of the group but whenever the group is no longer there then one has to reconfigure as the individual and carry the weight of one's actions. live in a world of consequences and circumstances and the consequences that arise from the circumstances that we are in, that we find ourselves in, are the things that often we have to live with and aren't often easily erased from our minds and from our hearts so to speak. We're in more and more

armando (19:24.229)
creatures of habit under stress and the higher the stress within us, the more we are apt to allow our stressors and environment to dictate how we respond and therefore we lose not only our sense of individuality, but the aspect of individuality that makes us individuals within a circumstance or situation. And that's our choice. Our environment can steal our choice. The people that may be imposing things upon us that we feel that we cannot.

away from. Stress is to the point where we have to choose, pick our poison once again. And we lose our sense of self, our individuality, and our power to choose and in essence our freedom. And this is a very important thing to pay attention to. When we lose that autonomy and that freedom, we no longer feel like ourselves and we have to deal with the consequences of maybe what we've done if we've done something wrong under the duress of stress. And these are the things that we start seeing clinically.

called anxiety and we start seeing as developments that look like obsessions and compulsions and can become disorders of that sort and even post-traumatic stress reactivity and on up to disorder level. So what we've discussed today basically is the individual and how we learn self-regulatory skills often at the hands and at the feet of those that would be our parents in our family.

and those with whom we are around that we're trying to belong to as far as group, dynamic and safety, tribe and village. But whenever those things go wrong, whenever the group, the family, and even the corporate entity that we may work for, even our nation goes awry when they go wrong, and when we start compromising our principles and our values and our morals that keep us not only safe, but able to live safely and

with respect to our fellow neighbor then we have things to do. Correction is one thing, self-correction, but also correction of those problems and even if it means leaving those things for our own safety and the safety of others. Not that we are dangerous by default, we can be, and sometimes we have to be, as a survival thing. But ultimately, we are wired to the group and what I want to tell you today is thank you for listening to this. The ideas behind this are

armando (21:49.935)
things that we've been studying for a long time and we still don't have a handle on, not perfectly, but we can get a handle on ourselves by learning how to regulate ourselves more effectively and also understanding why those things that we call shame and guilt are with us. And they're not all bad. There's such a thing of having somebody make you feel ashamed and guilty, but there's also such a thing as healthy levels of shame and guilt for self-correction and to be able to assimilate into a family and group more effectively. And those are okay to have.

So for now I want to tell you thank you for listening once again and just sending out the compassionate vibe Do that every day and I appreciate your listenership and I want to tell you thank you for those that have reached out and emailed me and given me feedback and Just know that this podcast is available on all platforms where podcasts are available iTunes Spotify Amazon music I heart radio and quite a few others also. I have a channel on YouTube

And if you go on there, please like and subscribe and share. I'd love for this to go out further to more and more people. And I am in the process of advancing this program. I've had quite a few requests to see about having guests, to interview on the podcast. And when we move in that direction, we'll probably go in the direction of video. And, I haven't asked for any donations, but, at some point I may do that. We'll have to see, but equipment will be necessary. Not anything particularly expensive. This is easy enough to do.

But just something that I see in the future and I just want to share with you all. And once again, take care. Thank you, Walkwell.