The Crucible of Personal Growth: How Life’s Challenges Forge Your True Self

Ep 102. In today’s modern world, we’ve lost the essential rites of passage that once guided our transition into adulthood and defined our roles within tribes, families, and communities. Without these critical milestones, many people feel lost—like aimless souls drifting without purpose or direction. These individuals often face life’s challenges unprepared, navigating them through trial, error, and circumstance, which can become pivotal moments in shaping who they become.

Yet, in these moments of adversity lies an opportunity for personal transformation. Through proper mentorship and guidance from those who have already endured similar trials, one can learn the necessary skills to face life’s challenges and ultimately succeed. Even when failure seems imminent, the process of learning, adapting, and growing builds resilience—equipping the individual with the strength to overcome future obstacles.

Every human being values personal growth, and many yearn to become the best version of themselves. But the key to reaching this higher self lies on the other side of life’s hardest tests. These “life challenges” serve as the crucible for personal development, where we’re forced to confront and grow past our limitations.

True self-improvement requires practice, effort, and commitment—just like any physical skill. The journey toward becoming the improved version of yourself demands sacrifice, and it’s through enduring hardship that we develop the traits that make success meaningful. Achievements gained without struggle lose their value. The most rewarding growth happens when we face the fire, allowing ourselves to be forged into a stronger, more capable version of who we are meant to be.

If you want to reach your full potential, you must embrace the ordeal. Trust the process. The struggle is not only part of the journey; it is the journey. So take care, and walk the path with purpose. Walk well. 

Transcript

Welcome back folks to episode 102 of the Running Man Self-Regulation Skills Project Podcast with me, your host Dr. Armando Dominguez, PhD in Health Psychology, licensed professional counselor and an adjunct professor at the local community college. The topic for today is going to be walking within the realm of legends. And this might sound like a really lofty topic heading, but it's really a deep one to say the least.

but not locked in the sense that untouchable or easily misunderstood or not understandable, but one that actually requires one to be engaged in testing one's mettle, challenging oneself to get the gist of what it is that we're going to become in time and actually starting our life quest, our journey with the end in mind. What I want to become, who I want to become, and what I want to gain is skill.

So what we're going to be discussing first is an element of this idea of walking within the realm of legends are what we've lost as a society generally, this is globally. Now there are certain places where there are still rites of passage that are practiced that actually allow young people going from the teen years into young adulthood where they become much more responsible and they're being mentored in how to become

men and women that are guides and protectors, but also supporters of their tribes, their families and villages, this sort of stuff, and even cities and towns now in the larger sense, now that we live in a more modernized society, generally speaking. But the rites of passage are things that we've lost, and much of what we see that has denigrated the negatives about our generations, generally within the last 30 years, the last 50 years to be more correct.

It is along the lines of the negativity and the weakness of the individual and how these people are generally considered milquetoast, weak and incapable of dealing with real challenges. And this has been proven to be incorrect. Now we have differences of opinion from generation to generation, but we've realized that we've not lost that grit. We have not lost that capacity to do what we have to do when things get hard. But one thing we have realized is that

armando (02:50.028)
with rites of passage we tend to have a more organized sense of how we get there and how we develop those skills. Some people get it by accident and trial by fire. Some don't make it through that. Part of it has to do is that life in and of itself is quite the challenge. And much of what we're going to discuss relates directly to how self-regulated I am and how I can manage and change the direction.

of where I'm going and using whatever impetus that could be anger, irritability, upset, disappointment to move me in a direction that is more life engendering and more constructive versus self destructive. And what we want to touch upon first is capacity, capabilities. Am I able to do something? One quote I will state that most folks may have heard either on TV or in conversation is

I didn't know that they were capable of doing almost like it's, can't believe you did this. And it's an embarrassment from somebody observing, but also could be a shameful and guilt inducing commentary. If someone is trying to save face about, raised you better, we're parents and talking to our children, or you should know better. Didn't anyone teach you right? And that bears to question is like, well, if they needed to know this information to choose better.

why weren't they taught this and if they weren't taught this what was missing. And this is where the rites of passage discussion gets a little more deep in the sense that we realize that in the last 60 or 70 years we've had more one-parent households and single parents raising children and extended families raising children that that lack of what we would call continuity in the lives of children that that consistency that even whenever we're infants to

wherever we're toddlers that we notice that there are certain things that are consistent, that give us a physical sense of safety and security, we can count on those things. And if we lose those things, we by trade over time become much more anxious and antsy and very untrusting of our world and the people that are caregivers. All things being healthy and equal, that's still very difficult, not having enough security or safety, especially if the parent that is raising children

armando (05:14.538)
indicates any signs of lack of support or security. So this is a very powerful thing. Now back to the rites of passage. What does this have to do with our current society? Well, largely we are seeking the mythos along the lines of what Star Wars shows wherever we have the Jedi from male and female and all those strong characters like Princess Leia in the older series that were of character, nobility and principle.

and they were serving a higher purpose that was bigger than themselves. And what we realize is that much of what we see in the narrative is not only serve yourself, but live only for yourself to the detriment of those that are around us. And that might be the message. Now, not everyone choose on this. They don't all bite on this and say, I'm going with it. But there are many that do. And we have to really take a look at what is missing such that somebody would choose to be selfish.

to a fault. Now there is nothing wrong with being self-interested, nothing wrong with being self-investing and self-nurturing and taking care of yourself. There is a time and place for that and that's okay. But whenever it becomes a negative, where it becomes one, where we become much more self-serving to the distinct degree that we see more of a materialistic, it's only about me that we become less able to connect to the tribe and to the group. We become disconnected. And part of that is that the disconnection occurred

whenever the mistrust started to happen or the lack of trust or maybe in a betrayal whenever we're really young and didn't understand. And then we had to do what we had to do to get those things that would be our survival needs met, whether it be care, safety, security, food, shelter, safety, this sort of stuff. And we've kind of discussed some of these points from episode 98 to 101 and touching upon the subjects that we're supporting, if anything.

What we're talking about today and that is the rites of passage We're looking at the larger sense of individual and the process of becoming so Why is this important to walking within the realm of legends as part of the title of today's discussion? Well, the fact of the matter is whenever we become older we start to differentiate from parents We start realizing that much of what they raised us with and I can't say all parents will wing it that kind of is an exaggeration But there's some that do

armando (07:39.5)
But they're really doing the best that they can, assuming all things are healthy. And that is a very broad, large assumption, yes. But for the sake of argument, today's discussion, yes, we will kind of drive with that idea. Whenever we are differentiating, we're trying on roles, who it is that I want to be, what I like. We look to our peers when we're in our teens to see how they act. And we start to act accordingly, dress accordingly. And then we realize that we pick some things up and drop other things and realize, well, that doesn't fit and that's not me.

And the stronger characters of those that are within the social milieu at school or wherever it is that I interact with other kids are the ones that are also trying on roles. And we, at the same age, not realizing they don't know what they're doing, are doing what they know is correct. And they're trying to do the best they can to become the person they become. So looking for cues as to how to act and who to become.

with our peers, people that have been, let's say 13 and 14 years on this earth and maybe out 13 and 14. I'm not looking to those that are wiser and have gone before, but rather I'm going along with those that would act as if they had. putting on a show and we tend to believe it, but we don't know that. We don't know what the game is. So lots of room for mistakes and error in that ethic. So I'm laughing as I say this, cause I've done this much. And we all have to some degree.

if we were young adults at one point. So we have been if we're adults. But I laugh because it's an uncomfortable laughter because there are things that we do that we look back and it's like, man, that was dumb. I feel ashamed about that. In fact, the matter is a little guilty because sometimes we fall, we make mistakes, and that's part of what growing up is about. And walking within the realm of legends, once again, is something that I want us to take into consideration whenever we develop skills.

and capabilities over time. This is what in the martial arts and I've been a martial artist for about 40 years and I don't consider myself a hobbyist. I live my life that way but I'm not a professional martial artist. I don't make money by doing that but I do train frequently and I've trained people and they've been able to protect themselves and they see me as teacher and that's okay. I don't call myself label name or title anything is just come practice let's get better and gain skill and I know that over time we get better.

armando (10:02.19)
And by testing, we realize not for rank, but rather by pressuring each other for physically type skills that we realize whether or not something works or doesn't, when it works and doesn't, and what it looks like in one body type versus another. And not unlike this in our lives, we try things out. We determine whether or not a certain way of doing things works for us, for our temperament, for our personal likes and desires and our goals. And this is a natural process, but it can be a bumpy one.

And we have to have people that are mentoring us that give us a lot of grace and realize that they know what they're seeing, but also not shaming and guilting us because, okay, you screwed this up or you made a mistake with this, but not judging in the absolute sense to where somebody feels terrible and then starts developing issues along the lines in the future because of it. We have to learn to have grace and also be gentle and guide without being particularly harshly judgmental.

Of course, there are exceptions to everything that require that sort of attention. Yes, and that's how we develop those boundaries that tell us do this, don't do that. And we learned some of that at the feet and knees of our parents or uncles and extended family and teachers when we're in school. Assuming we have good teachers, good parents and good uncles and extended family. Once again, that assumption is big and broad, but for this discussion, it's rather important to know. Now, capability. What am I capable of? That term, that

quote that I mentioned earlier is often involved with when somebody has done something wrong and I can't believe you did this. But if we turn this on its head and use it in a positive sense to make it generative, what am I capable of? What can I do? Well, I don't know. What do I want to do is important. My desires at this point aren't necessarily things that are needs. Those are more along the lines of wants and they may be closely tied to what my ego

would desire. want to learn how to kick. I always wanted to myself wanted to do a vertical sidekick. I got close. I could do a front split for a long time. I couldn't get the straddle split. Wondered binging my back as an adult, but I was getting very close. I was about six inches from the floor from getting a full straddle split. And I was able to kick people in training, you know, behind their head from standing next to them.

armando (12:23.884)
with the ball of my foot, a great deal of control. I gained a lot of skill, but I was still pushing towards another higher level of flexibility to gain more abilities basically, but that was very ego driven. And I look at that, I'm not embarrassed about it, but at the same time it was important to me. And that's just an example. So what are some things that drive me that I want or desire or is the question and what is it that I'd like to gain starting with end of mind, so to speak, skill wise? Where would I'd like to be?

Now, whenever we think about gaining skill and developing things, we don't always look at it as a sense of individual development as far as character goes. But we can do that with character as well. What would I like to do? What am I capable of as far as being a better person? Most of us don't like that idea as far as self-development because we think we're already perfect little peaches often. But if we really say what it is that we are, who it is where they are,

And that's embracing the dark side of ourself. Who is it that I am? What am I capable of? And I'm really honest. And there are some traits that maybe I'd like to develop over time. Then transformation over time can happen. That means I gain skill in those areas. It's not just skill in physical ability, skill in a sport. Those are things or mental things such as learning math and learning a new language. Those are skillful things that require time and investment and effort.

What about self? How do I get more skillful at being me? If I just let everything go and I just exist and I'm just awareness, yes, I don't have to work at that. But I do have to work at becoming aware of being aware. And that is kind of a circular reasoning of sorts. whenever we realize that we want to be a better person, we have a desire to improve ourselves, to have more redeeming qualities when interacting with folks. Those are learnable skills.

Those are things that we vicariously pick up often whenever we're young by watching and later on learn why we follow those rules and act a certain way. We can actually do things that seem like they're polite. I have a grandbaby right now that says thank you and please, and says more. And she's learning the rules and guidelines to get the things she needs by speaking. And she's learning the language now, but she doesn't understand the rules behind it in the sense that somebody as an adult would.

armando (14:51.319)
or a teenager would, there are guidelines and things that preceded her understanding, but right now she's repeating, kind of learning the behaviors and assuming them based on how the people that are the adults in her life act. So there's much going on there and there's much that went on whenever we were young, from that age to even young adulthood and even as an adult. So we never stopped learning how to be, and we can always change our ways. They say that a zebra can't change its stripes. Well,

Maybe not in a zoo, but put it out in real life and who knows, maybe the environment will cause it to change. But that's the big thing. Environment can cause us to change all our stripes, our human stripes, so to speak, and we can become different. We can become better. There are many stories of those that have lived really rough lives and they've had to come to Jesus' meeting or maybe they actually met Jesus and came back and realized, and this is not joking, this is that...

they came to a realization that they were living life in a way that was incorrect and they came in touch with their empathy and their compassion and they became sympathetic to those that they may have harmed and they started living differently. It doesn't always require tragedy but sometimes it requires stress. It requires that we test ourselves, that we test our mettle, that we realize that we are, one, scared, two, angry often whenever we're trying to change things.

Because we don't want to hurt like that again and it's very reflective of our survival drive to fight, flight, flee and freeze response. I don't want to be in a freeze response feeling like I'm going to urinate or defecate in my pants and not do anything and see what's going on and not be able to put a hand up to stop what's going on. Now this isn't making fun of anyone. This is merely identifying the fact that there are many that I've spoken to. There are many instances I've been in, and many instances I've heard of.

from peers and friends and that I've read of where people felt disempowered. They felt like there was a sense of loss whenever things happened that they got angry about and they were too small, too young or overpowered that they were victimized or were stolen from or they were put in position where they had to do what they didn't want to do. And it went against every ethical moral fiber within their existence and it left them with a very deep moral wound. So I don't speak lightly of this. So

armando (17:17.429)
Back to the term walking within the realm of legends. So why is this so important to the discussion? Well, it's guiding the discussion in the spirit of this idea in that there are things that are within our capability to gain that may seem beyond our reach, at least beyond a reach in the immediate sense as to how I am now. But what is it that I can do that I can become better, bigger, stronger, faster, smarter, more capable?

more skilled, more understanding, more wise. All those things are things that we can gain with time and with the right input, with the right mentorship sometimes, and even with the right experience, even without a mentor. And it just really requires that we have the desire to want those things. Those aren't needs, mind you. The needs are air, water, food, and some shelter to the degree that we need that. But...

The basic needs are survival of organism. There aren't any basic wants. There are some that are about affection and affiliation and love, loving and that sort of thing and that's okay. But they're not absolutely needed for the organism to live. But what we're talking about is something that's a little more transpersonal. It's beyond me as an individual in the sense that the personal, not that our personal gets.

Transcended to the point where we no longer exist. That's the idea of enlightenment But if we become more enlightened to use that term to the things that are important to us that we want to gain and become Even if it's being the better self then we realize we have to let go of some of the things that it is or that are what I would consider me or those things that I identify with myself and Sometimes not being afraid of letting those things go. It doesn't mean you lose them. It just means that we

have to sometimes take that, what I would call sentimental value that we hold, and there's a value there that helps us anchor or identify ourself or our character or my identity, it's hard to even speak to what I'm saying, there's so many words coming, but the identity of self, the being that is I am, how I is, so to speak, moment to moment, to use the colloquial term, and that sense of being sometimes has to change.

armando (19:39.273)
And much of what I do that I identify with, if I let go of that and don't hold onto it so tightly, will in most cases continue to stay with us and be there. But those things that are no longer needed, we may not grow, so to speak, without necessarily destroying them. But the letting go means that we're not so tightly holding onto something that we somehow fear that we're going to lose a sense or an aspect of ourselves. When in truth, we're actually allowing more room for things to come in that would be

evolving of us that would help us grow, will nurture us into the next level of being. So those are important things to consider. When we look at what we call our personal narrative, when we look back from the current place we're at and see how we developed and became who it is that we currently are, we realize we've overcome quite a few challenges. And these are important things to note. Now, being in the martial arts once again, the idea isn't always about learning how to punch and kick, but rather

what it is that is my resolve to continue to practice and learn and gain skill of this beloved martial arts generally that it learned from being a young man until my current age now. Now I'd like to share with you a quote and this was something that was in the Kung Fu magazine and I remember seeing a picture of James Lee wearing this awesome black satin and white Mo Chung uniform is what they called it and that was a beautiful satin Kung Fu uniform.

And he was standing in this stance, a Tiger's Dog stance, but on top of that, there were some words, and these words, this quote, is something that stuck with me. And I realized that the way I saw Kung Fu was embodied in these statements, and I'll share them with you right now. One is the martial arts. Seeing what cannot be seen, knowing what cannot be known, doing what cannot be done. And

This was essentially the definition of what I was pursuing in the martial art, a young man's dream, but also a quest, a quest to become skillful, to become capable of protecting self, defending self and others. And it was very much the calling, a heroic calling to become more of myself or to realize what my truest potential was that I haven't realized yet. Whenever I read that for the first time.

armando (22:07.095)
I remember tearing that out of the magazine and pinning it next to my bed on the wall because it was the most prolific, legendary mythological thing that I had in my life to look at. And that stayed with me. And even today, I think about that and I have the picture somewhere, but I have to buy I have the magazine I pulled it out of and this is circa 1982. So I'll tell you how old that is right there. But even before I officially became a martial artist and truly walking in the way of

martial arts this was calling me for a long time when I saw that it was what I was wanting to be and become whatever that was going to be I didn't fully understand but I knew it was calling me at some point to become more not just to be typical every day whoever it is I could be if I didn't have a legendary calling if I didn't have some sort of upbringing wherever I had a goal to become more

responsible, an individual, an adult, and eventually a parent. I didn't know I was going to be a parent, apparently, and I'm not being funny by the way, the universe had greater plans for me. Now, here are some things. When it comes to the martial arts and that quote, doing what cannot be done, doing what cannot be known, seeing what cannot be seen, these are things that are undertaken whenever you take a journey or a quest you will be seeing.

doing and knowing things that otherwise someone without courage would not undertake because there's too much to be lost. There's fear of loss. Loss of what? Loss of what I know. Loss of the familiar. Loss of a sense of security. Maybe. And those are some of the challenges and also some of the costs of taking on the quest. It doesn't say it won't hurt. It doesn't say that you'll get to the end. But some worthy at some point has gotten to the end. And these are the ones

The fierce enlightened ones that have gone before is what they say in Zen Buddhism. And these are the ones that are our guides and teachers, those that we aspire to become like. And they're our heroes. Those are our guide on our guidelines. Those are our beacons in the night. Whenever our night, our personal nights, our dark nights of the soul are particularly dark and we feel like they're never going to end. Mind you, I had just spoken absolute and they do at some point. So...

armando (24:32.821)
With this, I want to close and say thank you for listening today. This cool Sunday afternoon in West Texas. is spring. We've had 90 degree weather and this morning it was 30 some odd degrees and what a stark change mind you in Fahrenheit. And I just want to tell you, thank you for listening and please share this podcast with others. And you can find this podcast on all platforms that you can find your podcasts on Spotify.

It's on YouTube. have a YouTube channel there. Please like, subscribe and share, share there. And also can be in iTunes and, Amazon music and iHeartRadio and a number of others. There've been a few very kind folks that have left some very generous reviews and I'm grateful for those. And please go out there and share this with people. I would love to see this podcast grow more. I am in the process of going towards phase two where we can start doing interview format. And I'm trying to invest in a little equipment here and there a little at a time as we go.

And I am a one man show, except when it's me, myself and Armando. Please don't tell the people that I said that. But it is just me right now, but I'm hoping to get more help along the way as we go. But I do want to tell you thanks once again, and I certainly hope you have a really great Sunday and you take care of yourself and thank you. And don't be afraid of walking within the realm of legend. Sometimes we have to go a little further than what we think we can go. And we have to trust sometimes, not faith in other things or others, but in ourself.

Just know that each and every one of you, believe in you. Take care. Wok Wok.