Why Your Ego Isn't the Enemy—It's Your Wake-Up Call

Ep 125.  The Power of 'I'—How Language Shapes Your Identity & Self-Worth" 

In a world where values like honesty, integrity, loyalty, and authenticity are praised, many of us struggle with living up to them—especially in the age of social media. Our ego identity—the part of us tied to group belonging, image, and perception—is shaped by the environments we grow up in: families, schools, communities, and now global digital tribes. But have you ever asked yourself: Who am I when no one is watching? The words we speak—to others and especially to ourselves—craft our internal self-image. That image, our "persona," is built over years, sometimes unconsciously. And it's fragile. "I" statements are powerful—they show ownership and accountability.  Stop Saying 'You'—The Secret Language That’s Sabotaging Your Self-Image "You" statements often project blame. "We" statements can be inclusive but may blur individual responsibility. The language we use isn't just communication—it's the architecture of our self-worth. We often tie accountability to shame or punishment, making it hard to admit when we've failed or hurt others. Why? Because we've protected that inner image of "me" since childhood. But here’s the truth: owning your story is not weakness—it’s freedom. If you want to heal, grow, and lead, start by paying attention to your internal dialogue. Be kind to yourself. Speak with intention. Take ownership. The journey begins not with others, but with how you speak to you. Transform your mindset. Own your voice. Walk well.

Transcript

Welcome back folks to episode 125 of the Running Man Self Regulation Skills Project Podcast with me your host Dr. Armando Dominguez, PhD in Health Psychology, licensed professional counselor and an adjunct professor at a local community college and what we're to be discussing today is going to be Diminishment of Self.

The diminishing ego and the language that we speak that often might make us feel like we're diminishing ourselves or the value of ourselves. And we'll be discussing those three patterns of speech that are not only very powerful, but also very indicative of how we're moving moment to moment throughout a day. And we can see how some of these patterns may actually be useful and where others, well, maybe not so much. So we'll be kicking off the discussion with the idea of.

language that diminishes self. To kick off the discussion, I'd like to start off with what we call I statements, you statements, and we statements. Those three types of

statement tend to be very indicative of how I relate to how my world is being interacted with by me and also how it is impacting me as a result of how I'm interacting and reacting to it, but also the resultant effects that might cause me to either be having to be responsible or accountable for things that I've done, whether it be positive or negative, but usually the terms responsibility and accountability tend to have a connotation of

punishment and consequences that are negative. And that's not really the direction we're going wholly, but it's something we have to point out because it can go that way. But to bring some awareness to what an I statement is, if you've been in therapy or done any kind of work with a clinician counselor, this sort of thing, or even in the self-help field, a lot of things that we do that we'd like taking credit for, we're very egocentric and every way we are ego boosting, not in a negative sense, not to

armando (02:49.307)
the level of it becomes a problem to interact with other people. But it's just something that's very self elevating and feels good. I did this. That's something that when we're very young, we start learning who it is that I in quotes am by looking in the mirror and being able to recognize myself as time goes on, life goes on in our experiences. tend to look at ourselves and we have judgments. We hold judgments.

How do we learn how to judge? There's a sub question within this I statement, uh, line that we're going with right now. And the fact is those that nurture us, those that raises those that were as parents, bio parents, or even those grandparents that may have been around us that were trying to teach us to stay safe in the environment and saying things to us in short, very cliche statements and some things that did not make sense to us. And some of them can be rather comical and don't make sense to you get older.

but the idea is often to shock you into stopping for a moment and pausing before you act. Now about two podcasts ago I mentioned Victor Frankl and the fact that he mentioned between in his book and search for meaning that between the stimulus and the response there is a space.

and that space will tell you is very powerful and sometimes we have to learn to create that space because if we are in a reactive mind state not unlike a cat or dog that's you feeding and they become territorial with their food that it tends to be a very small gap such that it's almost inseparable from the activity that we might see them growling or becoming aggressive as a result of somebody getting too close to their bowl something like this but not so different for us humans as well and we have

remember that we try to encourage this growth of space.

armando (04:38.094)
because we do have a higher cortical mind that over time develops and we're severely underdeveloped in the sense that whenever we're learning as children, we're learning machines and we do learn the stop and the start and we do get some fundamental reasoning ideas. start making sense of stuff without having to be taught how, but much of what we take in is by cares. We learn by watching to the degree that we understand. learn by listening and correlating those words with what actions are expected of us within

a family, a village, this sort of thing that keeps us in line with not only values and principles, but also the safety of the larger group at large. If we're in a place where we could very easily get picked off by predators and wild animals, this sort of thing, or even in the home where we could get picked off accidentally by touching a light socket or, playing in the drawer of knives and getting cut, this sort of thing, accidentally reaching in, trying to get a spoon, not knowing the dangers of the points that may be in there that are above my eye.

line or line of sight, but they're within reach. And sometimes that can be problematic. And if you've had children before, you understand this pretty clearly. Now the important part about high statements, and this is where we really jump off into the discussion is that I statements generally, whenever we're interacting with others indicate, a recognition, but also an acceptance of responsibility for an action. And maybe even sometimes whenever we make eyes statements, we're trying to

garner not only attention but praise and adulation for the things that we've done and maybe be honored as a result of that and now that sounds a little bit

Manipulative and in the sense it could be it can be but it's not necessarily a bad thing by nature But something to pay attention to but when we speak in nice statements often that has to do with the sense of empowerment of self I can do this or I did this and maybe seeking recognition and credit that whenever we're in simpler paleo times Look at what I did. I gathered wood. Nobody told me to but I brought some now we have extra firewood and this is good, right and this is where we wait for the recognition

armando (06:48.115)
and the attention and acceptance so to speak the validation of what I've done. So I statements tend to be indicative of our ability to gain efficacy. I can do this gaining skill and ability to do things largely in an independent sense over time and becoming more independent as we go the eye becomes a recognition of what I can do and also when we learn how to speak the term I and relate it to self how to get not only care but nurturance and acceptance

as result of what I do. it becomes almost a term of transaction, not in a negative sense, but one wherever we might do chores or learn how to do things, clean up things on our own if we're living in a home.

and having somebody recognize that yes, you're doing this. And these are grown up skills that we're learning for whenever you're a thousand miles away and no longer with family. Whenever we realize, according to Glen Morrison, his book path notes that the things that we learned at the foot and knees of mom and dad and granny, this sort of thing, or the things that serve us best. And we may not like the politics, but you will enjoy and value and use the life giving skills of how to cook for yourself, how to sew, how

interact with people politely in using your manners versus getting yourself in trouble they may get you out of trouble by virtue of the fact that you can do those things and maybe allow yourself to get some transactional exchange I did this I can help you with this I can show you how to do this because you've not only gained skill but now people know that you can do this thing so to speak not unlike business this sort of idea but once again the I statement has to do with not only self validation of self

but also recognition from others that validate me or my ego. And usually when we speak in I statements, not a selfish thing, but one that also has to do with self preservation as much as self nurturing and nurturing from others and being able to speak the things that might get us to those things. So it's a very deep statement, if you will, when you think about what we really get from I and I statements, not always a selfish thing, the way it's painted to be, but definitely a useful tool.

armando (09:00.091)
Now the next thing, use statements.

Often use statements whenever you speak in the clinical sense about you. Often we will hear somebody speaking about whenever they're discussing, let's say, whenever you stole the car and you ran from the law and you got caught by the cops and you got in a tussle with them and you got handcuffs. And when somebody's telling you that that was what their narrative was, but the whole time they don't use I, that means that there's definitely a distance in their mind from being responsible and acknowledging those things because it's uncomfortable.

full well they did wrong, knowing full well that they're responsible and accountable and they're to pay consequences for that. Even within their own mind, there is a tendency to want to ego save, to ego preserve. Because the use statements within myself, if I say I, even though I, the way I said earlier, was not necessarily a bad thing, it can become very corrosive to our idea of what we consider ego, what we consider our idea of a self or a self image. And we somehow dirty that, we somehow smother

the mirror on which we look upon ourselves and now we look dirty. So our ability to reflect who it is that we are is now compromised. But there's also discomfort that goes with you statements that projects you towards you.

And that means that whenever I say these things, it's almost like I'm giving you the story and telling you the story from the outside observer, but it really wasn't me. And that can become problematic whenever speaking with people, because then there are emotions and things that are tied into that that are not only subtle, but really overt, but yet they're trying to keep a cap on it. Because if you really let those go, then they're going to feel really, really bad. And if somebody has issues with self-regulatory skills, not being able to regulate themselves, literally being

armando (10:50.05)
unable because they didn't learn them, incapable because maybe they're overwhelmed and they can't access the best parts of their mind to be able to rationalize a reason in themselves in any way because their heart rate is so high and their physical bodies and so deep into the fight-flight state that all we can expect is a reactive state and all we can do is hold safe space for them until those things cool down or get away from them physically because you could very well be acted upon. So some things to think about with you statements, not always a good thing.

but also it kind of gives us some symptomology of where they may be about what they're telling us about and whether or not they're even able to accept the fact that, well, yeah, I did this. And they may be able to say those words because someone tells them they should, but in their own mind, for them to be spitting out you versus I statements indicates the level of discomfort in many cases they may have with the situation. So those are some things to keep in mind. Next, we statements.

We statements are a little more.

Inclusive, if you will. And inclusivity is a big term, but rarely do we hear it spoken of with the we term, but rather inclusive speech in businesses and corporations having to do with teamwork and encouraging that that's okay. But there is something useful within that. Whenever we speak of we, that there is a situation that maybe requires teamwork that might require information and work for numbers of people and being able to include

others, those that are necessary to the job to get done, for instance, or maybe even invoking a sense of teamwork where we may start recruiting people to help us is helpful. Now,

armando (12:31.525)
Nothing wrong with that part, but what about in interpersonal situations or whenever we're out in the mob or the crowd that we statement can become very dangerous and deleterious to what we would call social, comfort if you're out in public, especially if you out by yourself or you feel outnumbered or you feel like you can't get away or feel like you're sticking out like a sore thumb and maybe a group has become an agitated where we start moving into the idea of not only group think, but mob mentality.

and mob reactivity and those are some very dangerous spaces to be in. Now if you're in

the best of your best rationale and reasoning capacity, then you probably won't be there. Or you might start reading the crowds such that you might leave early. That's a good idea. Or better yet, just don't be there. If you can at all help it knowing that the possibility is there, the potential is there, even though it may be a low percentage in your mind, there's no way to quantify that. You can't run stats on and determine, hmm, there's only a 5 % chance of that. That's still room for error. And that doesn't mean that 5 % doesn't exist because it does. So sometimes we have to err on the side of being

a little extra cautious, especially if there are loved ones involved, especially if there is your health involved, or you feel like, you know, if something happens, you can't run away, at least not fast enough. And you cannot run, run those that would become quickly predatory. And they can mobs do and groups do. And you can't tell by just looking at them. They may not even dress the mob. They may not dress in masks and black and whatever we're seeing now in

social media, they may just be dressed like your neighbor wearing a button down shirt khakis and and be carrying a purse. You never know. And the thing is, if somebody is dressed like that, and they just happen to sympathize, but they generally keep a good job and they act within the rules. But yet this is that social contagion such that people will

armando (14:24.625)
lose themselves in the crowd and feel like the social responsibility is minimized, that they won't get caught or get in trouble if they do something wrong or outside the line. That's often how many cowards will react and be able to justify all the anger they've held in for years. And they take it out on somebody that would be, I can't say an innocent victim, but somebody that is stronger, taking it out on somebody that's weaker, or maybe just taking advantage of somebody and doing it just so they can say that they unloaded and they can feel

better within their own mind, which is kind of a sick thing. But let's think about this. And there will be coming inclusive. We, whenever the mob say, we do this, we do that. And people are all agitating together and vibrating at the same rate and jumping at the same time. have this group mirror effect that is mass mirror effect as a very dangerous. And when we're talking about somebody that's motivating people,

up on the stage yelling vehemently and people are getting emotive. They're invoking that and they're playing certain types of music or really heavy beats. Then all of a sudden we start having these tribal qualities that pop up that we become part of the same group, inadvertently not meaning to and maybe not liking. And you might not even like half the people that are there. You probably wouldn't invite them home and you probably wouldn't share a meal with them, but yet you're out there pumping your fist in the same direction. That can be very, very dilatant.

So we statements can be problematic, not always inclusive in a good way, but they can also be twisted in a way that can be very negative and very dangerous. And we have to pay attention to this. Now I have laid this out in the sense of being out in public, out in the policy, in the marketplace, wearing the mask of the marketplace where we really are just hiding the true self that we are. And we're going about doing our day to day business. And.

These statements aren't necessarily bad. They aren't necessarily perfectly good either. But the idea is to be aware whenever we hear these things now.

armando (16:30.414)
We're seeing a lot of this inclusiveness on social media. We have to be careful of what we consume and know that a lot of people, they'll put that screen up close to their face. So it becomes very personal. Like they're talking to you as an individual. And that's one of the effects that people that have studied social media, know that there's a certain personal quality that's involved in holding something so close to yourself. Can't get any closer than that. Then right in front of your face. And we're watching this and we're seeing the emotions and we forget that they're mirrored.

own structures. And there's a principle that came out of ninjitsu many years ago under Dr. Masaaki Hatsumi and Dr. Morris mentions this in his book Path Notes of the American Ninja Master. The reason I'm sharing this is because it's about life strategy and how to have a better life, more together life. Generally, it's not about punching people in the mouth necessarily, but it is about the general use of strategy in life so you can get the best, most quality things that you can in larger quantities over time and gear.

and greater quantities, you will, not necessarily about being a money grubber, but rather having greater things over time that will give you comfort that you have in your cave, your space, and with your family that you can share and enjoy and deepen the quality of life, those fun things that we do together that we like to do at home. And that's important. Now, the principle that I'm speaking of is basically

from Hatsumi's Ninja to schools. that is, and that principle is endless variation never surprised. That means if you're out in public and you may see somebody, guy in khakis in the button down shirt once again, he may act out in a way that would be much darker than otherwise you would have perceived based on what he looks like. So sometimes looks don't always tell the story, but understanding that the potential for wonder and variance is absolutely always present regardless of what you do.

And when you're raising children, you see them go left. And then all of a sudden you realize, wow, I was protecting for right. then it's like, well, okay, they're, have their own little thinking process and yes, they do. But these are important things to pay attention to. So why are these three modes of self-speak very important whenever I'm mentioning this to self regulatory skill?

armando (18:47.149)
Well, these are some of the self-awareness tools that you really must have to determine whether or not, one, you have the ability to self-regulate under stress. And how am I speaking to myself? Have I been suggesting or hypnotizing myself, so to speak, such that I believe what it is that I'm saying. And do I believe that I can deal with stress? We practice and we do stress conditioning in martial arts and also in sports to determine whether or not we can render a skill under

duress and that's an important thing. That's a very important lesson. And you don't want to redline at every opportunity, but gradually build skill to wherever once you get to redline, it can be done and it's done with relative ease. That's what we start moving towards the unconscious competence and levels of mastery that we want. So that way things come with ease, but also a sense of aplomb and calm whenever things do get stressful. So what about endless variation? Never surprised.

That means you can't prepare for all, you can be prepared and ready for all, regardless of what that is, by keeping a mind that is flexible and not getting so eager born. So I stated or so you stated it's me versus them, or I didn't do this or they did that. Or we so inclusive that you feel that you can't function without other people around. And we have the strength of the I statement that I know I can learn how to do and stand on my own. That's a very important.

important thing. These statements are also a self diagnostic tool and tell us whenever I'm under stress. I start looking to blame other people, I may be overwhelmed. If I start looking for other people, we, that I feel like I can't do things on my own and I'm seeking help, then I need to look and see whether or not what I'm doing one is too much or two, maybe I'm under stress and three, maybe just maybe I don't know what to do or how to do it and I might need to seek help.

but it gives us a self diagnostic before I move in, before I deal with things. And it's okay to say, I don't know. It's okay to say, do you know how to do this? I don't, can you help me? It's okay to use the we and say, do you mind helping me with this? Can we do this together? Nothing wrong with that. But as a declaration of statement, I do this or you.

armando (21:05.955)
whenever you do this, they indicate where my level of responsibility and accountability is, whether or not I'm willing to be accountable for something if I've done something shameful or immoral or unethical. And those things do not lay well because they do diminish what our idea of self is. They do diminish what our feel of who I am and what my self image is. And they do diminish who it is that I may be seen as. And these types of

of speak, you will, definitely lend themselves to giving us an idea whether or not we feel diminished. Now, I know that I've mentioned on several podcasts too that the I that I consider me, that is my self-image, it doesn't exist, it's merely an idea. And my question to you, and this is a very rhetorical question.

Why is it that I defend myself, not necessarily my body, maybe I'm not in any kind of physical harm such that, that I'm willing to fight or get angry or get huffy and start yelling because somebody said something about me. Somebody called me a purple cow. I kind of like the color purple and anyway, we're not going to discuss that today, but here we go. Whenever about somebody says something, that's just an absolute farcical statement, but yet words hurt. That means we give them weight.

Often the people that hurt us are people that we may seem to have given space in our life or maybe have a sense of authority above us over us at work or or maybe they're people that we esteem that we were working next to and Yet whenever they say or somebody else says even a stranger might say You're this or you're that they're calling you a name so to speak Why is it that we're so quick to get up in arms to protect?

the idea of self, we tend to take the vehemence and the face, the facial inflection and the motion as a signal or an attack as if somebody had physically touched you or hurt you. Why is it that we do that? These are the questions that we should ask every day so that we can learn to minimize that hyper reactive state and that overreaction to things that are mere words sometimes.

armando (23:19.085)
People can say things that are very politically charged right now. People get up in arms and they have these huge wars of words that just are incredibly stupid in my opinion. Some of it has merit. Some of it is just people jumping on the bandwagon. And there are those that are looking for the next cause just to find a reason to be upset and emotional. And yet whenever things go against the grain or counter the way they expected them to go, that wouldn't have been along the lines

what they were espousing out loud, they very quickly change. This has happened with some European conflict and one in the Middle East and things that are happening here locally that people are on all three sides of those and they fly their flags so to speak, their social media, they very quickly get quiet. Whenever things come up that would be evidence to the counter of what it is that they were yelling and hooping and hollering about. We have to be very careful what we consume and I

the you and the we pay attention to these things that are being used. Often we will be not only implicated, but inculcated and also invited along the inclusive we statements to come along and get angry rather with us and do stuff. There are some people out there encouraging people because of political difference to get violent with others. That's unacceptable. But there are people that follow these folks. have large followings. And if you have a large following, you have responsibility to guide you or a shepherd. say that,

I am my neighbor's keeper or I'm not my neighbor's keeper. Some people do not like the Christian term of that, but what's really funny, and I was discussing this during class last week, is that in Lao Tzu's book, the Tao Te Ching, and the Tao Te Ching he mentions, I say he or the conglomerate of authors that were called Lao Tzu, says who is, rather what is a bad man but a good man's job, and what is a good man but a bad man's keeper. And that doesn't mean to hold him down and put him in jail, but that means that we teach them boundaries.

and show them. And that also means that the bad man is there to teach the good man as well. Tolerance and understanding, hard things to do, hard charge. And I do believe that by learning what my I statement is and what it encourages in the right sense is individuality. You statements tell us how to diagnose whenever we have a hard time accepting responsibility and accountability for things that are hard to accept or become accountable for. Those are real things. And the we state

armando (25:49.435)
can be very helpful in that if we become inclusive and want to help move things along in a more positive sense for the larger numbers where we want to provide help for the unsurpassed benefit of all sentient beings that is cool but yet at the same time we can encourage people to believe in the negative and want to hurt people using the very same we statements by being inclusive we have to be careful as to what it is that we take in the tone we take it in and also the content

So be careful out there and pay attention be self-regulating and help people become better people nothing wrong with that So that's it for today on this Sunday afternoon I certainly have enjoyed visiting with you and we're getting into the fall. We had some really cool air this morning 51 degrees. That was very sweet and What I wanted to do is say thank you for listening Thank you for your listenership and thank you for those of you that are subscribing. I appreciate you folks on YouTube Please like subscribe and share and pass it along to people that you think could benefit

benefit from this. Also, this podcast can be found on iTunes, also, iHeartMusic, Spotify.

Amazon music, think I said that but yeah on all platforms that you can find your podcast Just look me up on google. I'd love to hear from you If you have any feedback or anything you'd like to share with me, please send it to the email at running man get skills project at gmail I'd love to hear from you and those of you all over the world that are listening Thank you. I do believe you all to be friends and brothers and sisters of mine and I send my prayers out every day for you all. You all take care. Be well

you