Power, Not Force: How Calm People Resolve Conflict Faster

Ep 151. Conflict, disagreement, resistance, and pushback are natural parts of everyday life.

Whether at work, at home, in relationships, or in public interactions, we regularly encounter situations where our goals, beliefs, needs, or expectations come into conflict with those of others. While many of these interactions are minor, some have the potential to significantly impact our careers, relationships, finances, personal wellbeing, and quality of life.

For many people, conflict is automatically associated with discomfort, danger, and stress.

While this belief is understandable, it is often the result of how the nervous system interprets challenge and uncertainty. When conflict is perceived as threatening, we may become apprehensive, avoid difficult conversations, surrender our position prematurely, or placate others in an effort to reduce immediate discomfort.

The problem is that avoiding necessary conflict often comes at a cost.

Over time, avoidance can lead to resentment, diminished confidence, loss of personal agency, and in some cases a gradual erosion of dignity and self-respect.

Not all conflict is harmful.

In fact, healthy conflict is often the birthplace of growth, innovation, stronger relationships, better boundaries, and more effective solutions.

The challenge is that many people approach conflict as if it were a contest.

A win-or-lose proposition.

A zero-sum game.

In this mindset, the goal becomes defeating the other person rather than solving the problem. This often creates unnecessary resistance, escalates tension, and limits creative problem-solving. It can also feed the ego's desire to be right rather than effective.

In competition, winning may be the objective.

In life, the definition of winning is much broader.

Did you preserve your integrity?

Did you maintain your wellbeing?

Did you strengthen the relationship where possible?

Did you arrive at a sustainable solution?

Did everyone leave with greater understanding?

Real-world success is not always about defeating resistance.

Often it is about understanding it.

Some of the most effective conflict resolution strategies are based on principles of joining rather than opposing, harmonizing rather than escalating, and redirecting rather than colliding.

Force against force creates friction.

Alignment creates influence.

When we remain centered, emotionally regulated, and aware of our own stress response, we gain access to more options. We become less reactive, more adaptable, and more capable of guiding difficult interactions toward productive outcomes.

This is where self-regulation becomes a superpower.

The person who remains calm while others become reactive often becomes the person most capable of resolving the conflict.

Strength is not always found in resistance.

Often it is found in adaptability.

Move from center.

Seek understanding.

Harmonize when possible.

And walk well.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:39

Welcome back, folks, to episode 151 of the Running Man Self-Regulation Skills Project podcast with me, your host, Dr. Armando Dominguez, PhD in health psychology, licensed professional counselor, and an adjunct professor at a local community college. What we're going to be discussing today is conflict. Now, conflict can be a very uncomfortable term and also experience, but what we're going to point out is that there are some terms that have to do with conflict that often will determine how we one interact and engage with people and sometimes even disengage or try to avoid interaction. And not all conflict is bad. Not everything that we run into as a transaction between people or interaction or engagement is necessarily conflicting, but can be misconstrued as that, depending on how we arrive, the self-regulatory part, mind you. And we're also going to discuss mindset and our perspectives on what conflict is, how to avoid it, and also how to overcome it and uh circumvent it if we need to. Now, when we use the term conflict, often that brings up some red flags in conversation and also within ourselves and the way we think of things. And often this is going to bring up thoughts like, uh oh, this is gonna hurt. It's like, man, I didn't want to do this, or we may even have our hackles standing up, meaning that our fighting spirit starts to get engaged based on whatever experiences we've had before. Uh, and conflict isn't always a bad thing. Sometimes we need a little conflict to be able to help us determine what is right, what is not, what direction we must go, whether it be interpersonal, like at home or in your relationships between friends and also with people, strangers out at large in public. But uh at work, it tends to be one that is really difficult because we are constrained by the guidelines and rules uh of proper conduct, of course, whenever we're at work, we don't want to go haul off and smack somebody because they said something that was one offensive to us, and our little ego, feeling fragile as it is, um, took offense and we don't want to lose our jobs. Now, why am I putting it in this context question? Um, is because often this is where we run into everyday conflict. And conflict occurs at different levels. Not all of it is a physically threatening experience, but often a non-threatening experience wherever voices are raised and wherever facial body language and body language itself and tonal start changing, that they seem almost threatening around an idea that at the end of the day is not going to keep you from breathing, eating, or living, but yet we still respond to it as if it's a threat, uh, can become problematic. And self-regulation is what this whole podcast is about, but also recognizing that in everyday occurrence, everyday action, everyday interaction with people can bring about conflictual uh interaction with people where people do not agree on ideas. This you would think may have something to do with, I don't know, democracy, communication, to get people to smooth things over, and this often happens, mind you. But um many times we take into consideration, well, when it doesn't just go away and there's a risk of people having bad feelings, these bad feelings also often revolve around ego or idea of self, then the protective mechanisms rise up. And this is where this discussion is going to take off into some very specific details, and we'll start with well, what is one a conflict? Well, often if somebody disagrees at the social level, not involving any kind of physical uh violence or fisticuffs, this sort of thing, then it's a war of ideas, if you will, sometimes a war of beliefs. And I say war because it can become that ugly. But it can be simple disagreement. Well, I don't like what you think. It's okay. But uh many things that we're seeing now, and it's all over social media, is that we've lost that ability, generally speaking, in the colloquial, in the common, in what we would call the collective, so to speak, the ability to disagree and debate and do so in a way wherever it's not personal, but rather let me show you my idea, you show me your ideas. And this is appropriate, this is called debate, but we've lost that to be able to do it safely, one, without taking offense and taking it personal, or maybe judging somebody in a way that it becomes a personal thing, and now my judgment of them based on their beliefs is less than what it was before, because I can't stomach their idea. Notice I said stomach, that is a metaphor that will apply to language to indicate how maybe displeased I am with somebody or something or their thoughts. And the idea itself didn't change. I just inflected it. I just had emotional investment in that opinion. And opinions, you know how those are, they're pretty common, right? We're not going to talk about why they stink, but I think you remember that metaphor as well. But uh let us talk a little bit about what conflict does. Um, it it causes stress sometimes. Sometimes conflict moves things along in an instrumental sense because maybe it's necessary. If we have people that are resisting or groups that are resisting what it is that we're trying to change, bringing them the idea of what the alternatives could be is a useful thing. Now, in a no-win situation, um parlay is the idea, the discussion of all possible outcomes. This is what we're both sharing sides. But the only way that works is if we allow the other side to have their their full speak without interruption, and we're allowed the same. And if we have the grace and the patience to do that and really listen, listen actively, then we can truly get to a point of completion, or maybe wherever we can conclude the conflict and realize that well, well, you know, we're actually kind of wanting the same thing. We have different approaches, and maybe we can meld. And this is a principle of martial art called join and unite, wherever you and I are not necessarily friends or buddies, but we're moving in the right direction. We don't have to eat the same food and sing the same song, but we can essentially agree at the end of the day that this is a beneficial thing for both groups, both sides. And um, that's okay. Now, conflict doesn't always smooth out that way, and and that aikido I'm joining my energy with your energy, harmony, and that doesn't mean like each other. That just means we're not destroying each other, but yet we're moving mutually in the same way, and that's a very powerful thing. Uh, Dr. Hawkins in his uh book Power versus Force, it would be aligning with power, not that the other person had power, but rather power being the join and unite harmony to where both forces, the physical force that's a lower level versus power, become aligned with power and therefore much stronger as a result. Now, there's nothing wrong with winning, and that's okay. Loss does not necessarily mean defeat, it could be learning. Every time one loses, one isn't a loser, but one has a losing experience. And what do you get from that? That perspective is very helpful whenever we're in conflict because it's not win at all costs, unless, of course, it's life and death, and that is a level of conflict, which we'll discuss a little further along, but we're still at the social level. We're above that line of sociality wherever people are assuming that who you run into is who they are, and we're not dealing with the survival aspect that we know that is lurking beneath, it's always there. But if a sudden shock, sudden violence occurs, it will arise. And we have to know that, regardless of how polite things may be, and how nicely dressed and quaffed and and haircut and smelling good and all that stuff is going on at the social level, we have to know that it's there. Anyone under the right amount of stress, you keep this on the back burner, or this is a wisdom, then we'll all respond in an ugly fashion if we must. The thing is, if we don't have to, it doesn't have to come out. This is where we can reserve ourselves and move with social grace and social power and influence. Influence in the truest sense is where we start seeing where being a diplomat works way better because you're taking into consideration the other person, but you're also respecting them. Respect is not something that's always earned, but sometimes given first until somebody proves themselves otherwise unworthy, and then this is where we are just our behavior, and sometimes that's just distance, not disrespecting them, but just disengagement. And sometimes we allow them to go their own way and we just don't attach to them. That's an important thing. And that is like being more like a sphere and turning like a ball versus being a wall that they can throw rocks at, and then we take damage as a result whenever we're being overly resistant or trying to die on that hill, so to speak. And I say that in quotes, because that is an idea that people tend to take with ideas. I'll die on the hill. Well, no, you won't. That's just a concept. Your conceptual self is a hero. You're a forking coward. You wouldn't do that, and I'm saying that to be funny, but that's kind of how we take it, and we exaggerate what it is that I would do in belief of something based on the evidence I have that could be faulty, wrong, or may have some holes in it. So I would not die on that hill. I would need a whole lot of a lot of evidence before I decided to do that. But uh, once again, these are concepts and ideas about conflict. So there's nothing wrong with winning, once again, and provided that what you are winning is a contest, that's okay. If you're in a contest and you lose, that's okay too. It's nothing personal. That that's your engagement in an activity that may or may not bring about some satisfaction if you're an athlete, uh running, jumping, climbing, whatever it is that you do, there's nothing wrong with that. But whenever we're dealing with interpersonal life decisions, there is nothing wrong with winning. Sometimes it's us doing better at better things, but that's not points on the board. Sometimes winning isn't overcoming somebody else and taking from them what would have been um defeat or whatever, you know, from them uh or giving it to them, then the defeat being taken from us. Well, nothing was really taken. It's just a determination that's kind of arbitrary based on effort and what looks like winning. But uh winning in the truest sense is not points on the board, it's not getting that medal, it's not pats on the back or bottles of champagne spewing out everywhere on TV after NASCAR win. That that is a contest, yes, but it is dangerous. Not gonna say it's not, but uh it's not a life or death thing where you have to engage in that. That's a choice. There's a big deal. But real winning, points on the board, no such thing. That's above ground sucking wind. That means I am breathing, I'm on my feet, I didn't die. And whenever we put things in that perspective, we realize that the things that we tend to get stressed about don't even come close to the reality of real winning. Real winning is I live, real winning is I breathe, real winning is I'm eating and my family's eating, and we're still here another day. That's a very caveman-ish, cave personish type perspective, and that paleo perspective is what keeps me in order because I have to recognize and put things in perspective, their appropriate space, so that they stay as they need to within the confines of my mind, um, at the level of size, so to speak, that it's not overwhelming. Because sometimes we can take things and get all honked off about it when it doesn't warrant it, and we're wasting not only precious energy, but also time. Time is like energy, something that is uh not something we can recapture. We can renew energy, but it's not the same energy I used yesterday. That's a resource-driven thing. Time is not that we have a certain allotment of it, we only have so much, and when we're out of energy, we can't act on things. We have to sleep and eat to replenish that sort of thing. But time is a thing that we can't get back. Energy we can renew to the degree that we can get resources. And once again, what does this have to do with conflict a lot? Because often how we deal with those things that would otherwise be not stressful or that we can consider contentious or uncomfortable in interaction with people has a lot to do with blood sugar. Fundamentally, our will is one of the things that is driven by blood sugar. And whenever you see somebody that has will to the end, like when the Navy SEALs are swimming one breath the length of an Olympic pool and back, and someone passed out at the end, they were resolved until they ran out of oxygen or blood sugar. And our ability to say that I have a will to do this or that is determined by blood sugar and oxygen. Those are the two most fundamental factors in our ability to make a decision, execute a decision, commit to the decision down to the end wherever I've committed so much that I've passed out and I wasn't even aware that I was about to die. And this is what the Navy SEALs have shown in pools many, many times, and they have divers there to capture them to make sure they don't they don't die. They just want to determine whether or not they're resolved to the end. And that is a great uh factor to have whenever you have people that count on you, your teammates, to execute. Whenever something goes down, something goes wrong, they know that you're going to be there and you're not going to leave easily because, well, this is too hard. Even though maybe you've chosen, and we have to choose to do those things. Sometimes we do things unchosen that we have to overcome, and by our grit and will we can overcome, but there are some things that we do choose that can be that extreme. Now, back to the idea of conflict. Well, how do I see it? It's a question, and how do I arrive to see that? That's my state of body that will determine uh how I'm going to interpret that. And let's say I come to a situation and I'm already in a stressed state, my interpretation is going to be very narrow. My cognitive bandwidth is going to be narrowed if I'm already hyped up and angry and upset because I just finished running or I just got out of something really scary. Uh, maybe I ran up a flight of stairs or somebody uh irritated me or aggravated me right before I go into a situation that requires my fullest uh mental commitment and also cognitive capacity, then I'm not going to be there if I'm stressed and my heart rate's up and I'm sweating and I'm breathing hard. It's going to take me a few minutes. And if I had an adrenaline dump because maybe it was something that was frightening, like a car wreck or seeing something horrific, you can count me out for about 48 hours to 72 hours minimum if I'm at a pretty decent health level up to about a week if my health isn't quite perfect. Uh the idea is that when we arrive to do what we would call, let's say, an engagement of conflict communication, anything like that, we are going to be limited by the state that we arrive in, our heart rate, our level of stress, our perceived level of stress, our perceived level of safety in the environment. If it doesn't feel safe, we're not going to be making the best decisions, especially if I arrive in a sense that I am already stressed as a result before I get there. Now, what if I become stressed out in the situation that is uh also a real thing wherever things are being pressured, people yelling, getting upset, and saying this should have been done already or yesterday, this sort of thing, and that pressurizes the situation versus encouraging it to be one of higher performance, better performance and and getting things done. Now, my state as I arrive can determine how well I communicate. My state as a part or a participant of a situation that becomes tense will determine whether or not I'm at my fullest capacity as well. So those two things I want us to kind of pay attention to. Now, how I see conflict, is it something that isn't is physically endangering to me? It may not be. It could be a business communication, could be somebody getting upset out in public, and out in public can be a risk depending on who you're dealing with. But if you have a somebody that's a little old lady that's raising her voice because she's impatient and she's in pain and she's in one of the power chairs at Walmart and she's complaining with the cashier, she's probably not having a good day. And it's not just because she's being a curmudgeon, she is probably uncomfortable and she's gotten to the end of her cognitive capacity and alter the end of her rope, so to speak, to be able to endure discomfort if she has back pain or is in chronic pain, or maybe she doesn't hear well, or maybe she feels for some reason invalidated. We have to take into consideration we don't know the walk that somebody's experiencing day to day, and sometimes having a little patience and understanding that we can't take offense because someone is doing something that is considered socially adroit or outside of the lines and they're not acting in a way that would be socially appropriate. Sometimes we just have to endure that quietly, and then endurance doesn't mean taking damage. Sometimes we just have to have the strength and ability to make through it, make it through it, and not take it personally. And often we take things personally when things feel shocking or upsetting because our body takes to becoming aroused to certain details because it's starting to question whether there's danger when we hear things like that, when we hear a child screaming in the the aisles, doesn't necessarily mean them pain. Uh could just be them being in protest, could be as a result of crappy parenting, and I'm saying that very intentionally. Uh the idea is this, knowing that if you're a parent and you know what pain shout sounds like, or somebody just protesting being loud, you're naturally going to attune to what is dangerous, what seems to need help, what doesn't. And you can also tell the difference when it's just protest and not unlike that. We have to be able to apply that with adults in our adult adult world as well, when we're out and about doing things. Now, what I'm going to say is that not all conflict are equally threatening, and not every conflict is threatening necessarily, but our body will respond sometimes depending on how sudden or loud somebody may be behaving. And if somebody's acting as if it's threatening to them, let's keep this in mind. We have mirror neurons, and the mirror neurons that we have have to do with recognizing behavior out in our world, so to speak, in our external environment, and making sure that we in many cases match not only the behaviors, but also the emotional load that the herd has, especially if the herd is running and there was a leopard that was identified and the herd is gathering and facing outward and protecting the little ones. And you may not know why you're stressing, but if you're not at that level, you're not able to defend and protect. And that is something that mirror neurons kind of help us uh recognize is that in herd behavior, if someone is stressing, that means maybe my level of stress needs to go up just in case I have to run, jump, and fight, that sort of thing. Now, I'll give you a very distinct for instance. Whenever we have people in a let's say a clinical setting or office setting, or maybe one where you're one-on-one with somebody and they come in and their level of energy is like through the roof. They're like fidgety, loud, noisy, distractable, and they're sitting down, but they should be running probably because they can't sit still. They can't process any abstract thought or can uh concepts, but yet you tell them things and they can flash attend stuff really quickly, and then they let it go and they start twitching and looking around. Um your body will start to match the level of arousal that they have. You may not get to the same intensity, but you will have been aroused in the sense that your vigilance level goes up. You start attending to what they're attending to, especially if they're looking left and right, because not only is it compelling, it is for them, I have to make sure I'm feeling safe. And to you, it's like, well, it looks like they're doing things like looking over their shoulder left and right, that looks like we'll call it paranoia, but it's not paranoia in the truest sense, but rather it's their their narrowing of their vision that tends to look like paranoia, and then our body starts responding to it and reacting to it as well. Then we start looking in the direction they do, it's natural, but it isn't particularly comfortable. But yet when we resolve to deal with somebody, sometimes we have to recognize this and know that I can't be making really strong decisions. Uh, can't really try to convince them of doing something now because they don't have the fullest ability to make that reasoning happen. The rationale is shot, they're perceptually dominant, meaning whatever seems to be happening is going to be the primary signal. And if it's scary, they're going to respond that way, as if it's scary. And they're going to believe it to be. Their body's just going to over-respond. It's going to be hard to deal with them. So we will often mirror what it is that people do. And when that happens, that means that we're not centered. What do I mean by centered? Often people talk about centering, and all these self-help books talk about it, videos, yoga, meditation, gurus. And well, what is centered is a question. And one of the things that you have to realize is that when we're in our mind, and people also often say stuck in your head, and that makes sense. But uh, when you're in your mind and really paying attention to your thoughts, there's also belief quality that goes on. And because of the intensity, there's an emotion and possibly an opinion being developed really fast that may not be based on fact or evidence, but more so on how intense I feel. And if we take that as evidence, that means we may be believing something that's going to take us off into some hellish landscape that we don't want to have to navigate. And we're going to be making bad decisions on the way. And often we think about the impulsivity of people when they're drinking and out partying and bad decisions, it's not so far removed from this. But the the paradigm is this is that we follow that which is most intense, the body state, the intensity of whomever it is. That's why many people that are gravitating speakers that go into pastoral roles, and I really disagree with seeing people do this, and asking for money, and they do a lot of that, or even the political scene where people are gravitating speakers. We tend to see people following and getting emotionally loaded, but not realizing it's not just what the person is saying, they may tie into it, but also the group around them. The group influence is incredibly powerful, and that means that you are no longer centered in yourself and what you believe, but also you're being driven and influenced by the external environment of the people around you, unless you're able to maintain center, and that takes skill. It takes skill. It's not easy to do. So what is centered? Sometimes centered is mean centered means being able to perceive, pay attention to what you hear, taste, touch, see, smell. Okay, and yes, those two gustacean and old factory do play pay a very large part of influence as well. Be careful with um perfumes and this sort of thing, because they tend to soften us if we tend to like the smell. Sometimes it can be offensive if it's very powerful, and it's off-putting. People do those things to create influence in business situations often, among other things. But things to pay attention to. But whenever we're perceptually oriented, that means that we're using um sensory um uh references, and we're paying attention to a more basic level of self, we're not engaging with the thinking, especially if it requires us to believe into something that we're being told based on how intense somebody's delivering it, because they're trying to get you, convince you to believe and think in the way they are. Often when people start demonstrating bravado, it's not unlike this. They start showing how intense they are, how big they are, they start yelling, raising their voice, and shouting, and trying to show you that they're right somehow. But what that show is, it's really them trying to convince you of how what they're saying is correct versus what you're saying or doing, and that can be very intimidating and very scary sometimes. The fact of the matter is they're really trying to convince themselves, and on top of that, they want you to get to their side because they're terrified. They're afraid of how they're feeling. It's almost like a baby that's having a tantrum. You have to be the calm so that way they can center and realize that it's safe and that you're not conflicting with them or mirroring them. You're not the mirror in the sense that you're copying. Let me correct that. You are a mirror, and they may see that they are acting in a way that's not reflecting in a in a good way and makes them uncomfortable, but you don't mirror their behavior, you don't copy their behavior, you don't match their level of intensity because that would make things worse. And this is what I'm pointing out here. Conflict, not all conflict occurs between people. Sometimes conflict can occur as a result of somebody having some disparity within themselves, and the conflict is within them, but yet it spills over. And that intention and intensity, rather, um, is what brings us into arguments with people or into situations where we have to engage with them and it's really uncomfortable. So conflict isn't always what it seems. Sometimes it's not between people, it's it's within the self, the individual self, and maybe not myself, but the self of the individual that we're talking to. So some ideas. Conflict is part of the natural order of things. We're going to have disagreements, but not all conflict is bad, and conflict isn't a dirty word. But whenever we have a disparity of concepts and ideas or beliefs, sometimes we will butt heads with people a little bit. Does it have to be headbutting? No, it can be parlay. We can talk. And if there's no in the sense that there's no advantage to either, we can talk about all possibilities. When we can open up to the idea of all possibilities, then we have the capacity to be able to influence and be influenced. Especially if maybe we don't have all the pieces. Maybe we're Johnny come lately to the situation and don't have enough knowing. And that does make a difference. Somebody maybe the person's upset because nobody's listening, and they do have some real evidence, and maybe it's worth listening to. So not all conflicts are equally threatening, once again. And they're not all equally serious. But to somebody that's already stressed, something that may be a simple transition to you, just plug A into B and then C comes out. Uh, you see that. But the person that's stressed, the one that's highly energetically emotionally overloaded, they may not see it. Maybe they require some help and tell them, hey, I got this. Um, might be something we need to do. And they may be able to see things whenever they cool off, but in the process of experiencing the stress levels at an elevated state that we'll call hypervigilance or even post-traumatic stress reactivity. And yes, we are talking about just regular everyday stuff that can trigger PTSD type symptomology. Then we're talking to somebody that has a limited capacity temporarily. They're not dumb. But whenever we look at the running man model and realize that whenever blood flow shifts as a result of threat, the blood goes by default to the skeletal muscles, it goes to the periphery, so we can be strong and fast and jump, run, fight. But it also leaves our intestine stomach, we're no longer resting and digesting because we're not friending and befriending by the fire and sharing fatty meat together and thinking about how to make a better bow. We're actually in I should be running mode, but the idea is still I'm interacting with people, and sometimes we're stuck there. And the elevation of stress requires physical movement, not violence, but motion, walking, stretching, or getting away from the area for a moment and coming back after the fact so that way we can change our environment temporarily. And also, whenever we're in that space, being able to be calm and centered is an important thing. Well, how do we center? I've already asked that three times. One of the first things is to be aware of one's breathing. And I'm not talking upper chest breathing, but rather allowing our lower abdomen to relax enough that our diaphragm can drop. And whenever we're centered in that sense, we're viscerally aware to wherever our center of gravity is, just slightly above the hips, wherever the iliac crest is, to wherever our intestines would be, two inches below the navel and also about two and a half inches in, and between two and a half inches from our lower back inside, that conceptual center, if we keep our mind there, we tend to be able to be more aware of not only the physical signals that are coming in, but also the emotional signals that are coming in, and allow ourselves to be not necessarily disconnected, but detached from that part of us that has opinion about things when things are generally speaking rather offensive and not taking offense because it's not about me, but rather the level of stress they're experiencing. And sometimes our being calm is going to this be the seed of calm that will bring about the difference in conflict, and maybe we can do something else that's better than conflicting, but rather unifying the join and unite. So there are some things that we can do. Be aware of your conflicts. One of the first things is that you know you have the right to fight back. Not all conflict is about fighting, but within this universe, as long as you exist, you have the right to protect your organism. If somebody's trying to physically overcome you, that is a level of conflict that I said we're going to talk about. Yes, you can protect yourself. In principle, there is a level of you're in my space, and you can step back, or you can tell them, hey, you're too close, and that's creating the boundary verbally, but also sometimes putting your hand up, it's like, hey, that's too fast, too much. Stay right there. Um, I'm not comfortable with you being this close, and it's okay to say that. If it's offensive to them, they have to realize that they do not own the real estate. But if somebody continues to encroach in spite of that, and to demonstrate, well, I can be in your space all I want, then you may have a physical conflict on your hands, and you have to be careful. That all depends on your level of comfort with such a situation. At that point, it's best to leave if you can. And the thing is always know where your points of egress are before you go into space. That's not paranoia. That is a just-in-case plan, and there's nothing wrong with that, because we understand we're dealing with human nature, and human nature can get ugly very suddenly. Remember that. Don't ever forget that, because it can. And it doesn't matter how nice and posh things may be, somebody can still throw a fist or a kick or something at you. And uh, I've seen things um like weddings that are supposed to be great situations turn into fisticuffs. Uh we're talking about within moments and uh men, women, and children all around, um that means that all the rules have been thrown out the window because we realize then that they're just agreements anyway. Not that they're less or not important, it's just at that moment the arousal level means you don't recognize things that way. You don't follow the laws and the rules because those laws and rules and guidelines are things that we developed to live amongst numbers of people. But when things become individually personally threatening, those things don't exist. Now, that doesn't mean that you're not accountable nor responsible. You will be held to those things, to whatever you do, if you're acting in a way that you're lawless and without guideline. But the fact of the matter is when it gets that personal, we don't see all those things because we can only see in the moment of discomfort. We can't see forward in time and what's going to happen to me as a result of my stupidity if I act in that way. So let's keep this in mind once again. So some ideas you can't fight back. What's another thing you can do if things get uncomfortable? Pull back. You don't have to be there. Withdraw. Absolutely useful. If you see that a situation is relatively equal in the sense that not necessarily good, but rather there's no win to either side, then maybe this is where we discuss the outcomes. This is where diplomacy becomes very important. And personal diplomacy, individual, person to person, that's okay. Active listening is a very important thing. Sometimes one of the best things we can do if things are happening is do nothing. That doesn't mean don't care. Doesn't mean don't give a crap. It just means don't act based on the intensity of the situation in that moment, unless you are physically threatened, and that's the qualifier. Now the next thing, deception. Sometimes it's like, hey, you know what? I know that you want to talk about this, but I gotta go pick up my daughter. She's at ballet practice, and um my wife is sick, and I gotta go get her. So um sorry, I gotta go. And you may not have a daughter, and she may not do ballet, but fact of the matter is that's none of their business, but it gets you out of that and prevents conflict from going south. Well, that's okay too. You don't owe them the honest truth on that. This is just merely allowing them to have a few more days of no conflict, no fight, and also minimize their level of stress and yours immediately. So that is a way to dissipate stress. There's nothing wrong with that. It's not a sin. You're not going to go to hell because of that. What you're doing is maybe gaining a few extra points of good karma because you know what? You didn't have to put that poor MFR into the ground. And I'm saying it that way because sometimes that's what's required. And not that that's okay. It's just that sometimes that might be the outcome, especially if you have to protect a loved one, a baby, or this sort of thing. And I was trained as a soldier many years back when I was in the military, and nobody likes the idea and goes around looking for that necessarily, if you're a balanced individual. But if you're called upon it, then if you have to do it, sometimes your your hand is forced and you must. And I hate thinking that way. Here I am a therapist for almost 20 years, and uh I don't like that. Would I do it if my life or the life of my loved ones or or grandchildren were at risk? I would lay it down. That has been answered a long time ago. Not because I like the idea, and that's not suicidal. That is dutiful and protective of those that we love. And being a patriot sometimes, fighting for your for the people that live in within your country, not for the politicians, is very similar. Now, the highest level of conflict resolution is called to harmonize. And if we harmonize with people, that's what Aikido does, and it's always maligned as a martial art. It doesn't work in MMA and stuff like that. And well, the fact of the matter, it does. But in concept, the idea of harmonizing with somebody is the highest level, wherever no one gets physically hurt. One continues to go on their way, and one is harmonizing and allowing people to go through the door, and you're the door, but you're not locked, and they can go the direction they want. You're just not going to resist them unnecessarily, and you're not going to engage, you're going to let them keep going where they're going, and you're going to continue on your way. So, some important things. Don't fight if you don't have to. And fighting isn't just physical fisticuffs. Sometimes fighting is verbal abuse. Sometimes that is verbal conflict. That doesn't have to happen. We get so stuck in ego that we somehow think that this is really important. And here in Texas, we have this term called getting my goat. If somebody got my goat, this is a goat farmer um analogy here, then that means I'm not I'm not a responsible goat farmer. Somebody got my goat. Usually when we use this in speak, it means that somebody got to me. They influenced me in a way that made me feel bad or that somehow bruised my ego. Be a responsible goat farmer. Don't let people get you goat. Put up appropriate fences and quotes boundaries, and that'll prevent much. A lot of times not putting your goats in harm's way, that means what? Not being where harm can occur. Whenever you can see things at a distance unfolding early, don't be there. Don't be where the fight's gonna be. Never fight anyone who has nothing to lose. And that means not only verbally, but also physically, when somebody has nothing to lose, they have no compunction in many cases. This is psychopathy and sociopathy. Many cases that will damage somebody just so they can unload the discomfort within themselves. And for some, it's a joy. Those are the predators, and the reality is they exist. Does this have anything to do with self-regulation? I would say it has a boatload to do with, so we've got to pay attention. Always respond from your center as calmly as possible without being opinionated about what's going on and seeing things from the bigger perspective, the outside observer versus being the inside experiencer, being at the mercy of the waves of the ocean, so to speak. So use the minimum force necessary to restore harmony. That means don't heavy hand things. Don't jump in and do stuff. Not everything requires your involvement. Then sometimes things resolve given the opportunity. Now, unfair fighting causes your opponent to fight harder. If you do something wherever somebody's coming in and you overpower them a little bit, you may have an offense and a fight on your hands. You may have just caused conflict. The idea is not to cause it because it's a waste of energy. It's inefficient. Now it doesn't mean it's not effective, but also means that you have less energy at the end of the day because you invested too much in something that's not good for you, maybe, or the situation or even the job that you're working at. The purpose of conflict is harmony. Who would ever say that? That is such a dichotomous idea. But let's take a look at things from the compassionate perspective. And this is a really important idea. The question is, how can com conflict be about harmony? Well, what it has to do with is often people are uncomfortable. If we recognize that people, even whenever they fight and do things that are ugly, unless they're a predator of source where it's more instrumental and they're just trying to get your resource or hurt you because it's joy to them. But generally speaking, if people are conflictual of anything at the cognitive level, emotional level, or even the physical sense, it's about stopping the pain. They really just want to stop the fighting. And sometimes the only tool they have is fighting. And that may not make any kind of sense, but let's think about this. If somebody is upset and they're trying to unload, that's a level of discomfort that they're trying to get rid of so they can achieve comfort. So they can achieve their level of harmony, or what we will call their level of common or familiar, or better yet, what we'll call homeostasis. Not necessarily in a healthy balance, but what they consider balance and recognizable, I can navigate through this with little pain, effort, or discomfort. That's the goal. It may seem like a terrible way of doing it, and it may be, generally speaking, but it may be something that they know worked really well within the world and the lives that they live. So we have to recognize that they're uncomfortable. And if we take on this compassionate perspective, and this is what self-regulatory skill is about in the biggest way, is recognizing that the running man model teaches not only the symptomology of stress within myself, what I report as discomfort, and how I show up when I'm uncomfortable and stressed, but also what people do, the signs that indicate to us that they're not so good, they're not feeling well. Uh, it doesn't mean you go and put the sab on for them, but it might mean you withdraw. Don't be there before it develops. Don't be the one that adds that one final straw that breaks the camel's back, so to speak. And this is where the compassion perspective is very useful in realizing that whenever people are acting out often, often, not always, not 100% perfect and not absolute, but often has a lot to do with I'm just trying to get back to my normal. Everything is out of control wherever I feel that I have a choice in the matter, and we're not there right now. And if we see that, that gives us room to have compassion and space, and maybe even hold space for somebody that may be willing to discuss. And we don't always have to like what they're saying, but sometimes being the calm is also what they're looking for because they may be seeing a lot of people making faces and being judgmental and ugly with them and not allowing them to be human and express what it is that's really important to them. Sometimes the best ear we have is the listening ear that's an active listener and a silent mouth, and being able to show them by demonstration that you're there not to conflict, but rather just to witness and recognize and validate. And those are some important things. The only time that we can really say that the perfor of conflict is harmony is whenever we're seeing people that are struggling and trying to influence people because there's a measure of discomfort. We're wired for numbers and for being parts of groups, and if the group kicks you out long time ago, okay, people time, you would die. You would have a big number one on your painted on your six, no longer on the front wherever you're emblazoned as the spearhead, you're now the tail end, and you're basically the target. You're the tail that uh gets eaten before everyone else does. Um because there's no one else, it's only you. And whenever we lose that sense of dominance or strength, we are now the baloney sandwich by default, and it doesn't matter how much you don't like being that lunch meat, you're gonna be, and you'll be eaten. And that's what it feels like in our environment, even whenever there aren't any real lions attacking us. So whenever there is conflict, sometimes attack is necessary when it is a question of life and death, then and only then, not just necessarily to overcome people and overpower, make them feel bad. Um when there is no other option, that's what you do if you must. When it is a question of serious priority, it all centers around balance and it all balances around center. We're all trying to come about that level of comfort once again that I knew before that was my common or comfortable ground. Sometimes the most uh important thing to do is be able to accept things, harmonize to the best of our ability, redirect, and sometimes lead. If you're centered, you may be able to be like that. We want to be like water. We don't want to be the rock where the rock is continually being pounded by the waves. And that's what somebody may feel like whenever they're very easy to uh get into conflict with. And the idea is once again getting back into harmony and understanding what conflict is, what it's not, and what the levels are. And a lot of times, you know, it's emotional, sometimes it's just verbal, but in it inflicts damage upon my ego. In quotes, notice I said in quotes, because the ego doesn't exist, it's not real damage, but we believe it to be so. We get honked off, and basically they put my virtue into question or whatever. And end of the day, somebody can question your virtue all frickin' day, and you're still able to breathe and have a heartbeat. Hmm. Somehow does that that doesn't pan out. I didn't have one less of a heartbeat because of it. Maybe as a result of the stress, who knows? But uh the idea is to recognize that conflict is not always a bad thing. Sometimes it's necessary, it's a part of life. But whenever we take offense to it, we create stress. When we harmonize, we limit stress, but also encourage life-given behavior, and maybe even encourage those that we may be in conflict with or experience conflict with to calm and center and come back into harmony. And that's all I have for today. This was a long one, but it's also one of very useful information. I hope you share it with many people. Uh, if you get a chance, go to YouTube and patronize my channel, subscribe, like, and share. I'd love to have this YouTube channel grow a little further. It's growing slowly, but it's still there. And I do have this podcast on all other platforms that your podcasts are accessible, and that is iTunes, also um Spotify, iHeartRadio, and Amazon Music. Please listen there. I'd love to have this podcast grow further. Um, and we're actually still waiting on my book, Running Man Model. I think they're finishing up on the cover, and that should be out here very shortly. I certainly enjoyed talking to you this Saturday morning, and I hope you're enjoying a lot of sunshine and good stuff out there. And if you have any feedback for me, send it to the email at Running Man Git Skills Project at Gmail. I'd love to hear from you. Take care. Parlay, be in harmony, walk well.