Somatic Healing for Wellness-Focused Women

(#66) Healing People-Pleasing: Reclaiming Your Authentic Voice and Setting Boundaries

• Rae The Somatic Coach • Episode 66

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Do you struggle to say no, fear disappointing others, or prioritize everyone’s comfort over your own? People-pleasing isn’t just a habit—it’s a nervous system response, often rooted in childhood conditioning and the fawn trauma response. But the good news? You can unlearn it.

In this episode, we dive deep into:

  • The roots of people-pleasing – why it develops and how it disconnects you from your authentic voice
  • The fear of being disliked and how to expand your capacity to hold discomfort
  • A fun, unconventional “Villain Exercise” to help you break free from approval-seeking (Source: Kali Somatics)
  • How somatic therapy, breathwork, and inner child work help you feel safe in self-expression
  • Why setting boundaries feels hard—but is essential for emotional freedom and self-trust

If you’re ready to stop over-explaining, start speaking your truth, and step into embodied self-expression, this episode is for you.

🎧 Listen now and start rewriting your fear of disappointing others!

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Disclaimer: Please remember that the information shared on this podcast is intended to inspire, educate, and support you on your personal journey. It does not substitute for professional mental health advice. I am not a psychologist or medical professional. If you are experiencing distress, mental health challenges, or medical conditions, please seek help from a qualified professional.

Speaker 1:

Welcome to the Radiant Life Podcast. I'm your host, rae, the Somatic Coach, and I'm here to support you in healing your past, living in the present and creating your future so that you can become the most centered, embodied and happiest version of yourself. Each week, I'll be bringing you episodes to help you navigate life's challenges, ease stress and tension and learn more about holistic healing, spirituality and wellness. If you're interested in becoming the best version of yourself so that you can live the life of your dreams, then you're in the right place. Subscribe to the podcast and the monthly newsletter and follow me on Instagram and TikTok to know when new episodes are released each week. I am so happy that you've landed here. Let's dive in. Welcome back to the podcast. If you are new here, I'm Rae, I'm a somatic coach and breathwork facilitator, and if you aren't new here, welcome back. I'm so glad that you're tuning in for today's episode, so I'm excited to bring you today's episode. Today's topic it's all around people policing. But before I dive in, I do have one front desk announcement, which is I switched my website over to a new platform. So previously I was on Kajabi, previously I was on Kajabi, now I am on Squarespace. Same URL, same website, wwwrachelecraftcom, and on that website I also have a brand new scheduling system. So previously I was using Calendly, but now I'm using Acuity, and what that means for you is that everything is now in one place, so it makes the booking experience so much simpler. Everything's on my website. I redid my website, so if you want to check that out, you'll be able to see just like everything in one place, and if you received the monthly newsletter, you'll also see that there's a special discount in there for you. So definitely check it out, and if you have any questions, just send me an email, a DM. I will answer them and get right back for you. So definitely check it out and if you have any questions, just send me an email, a DM. I will answer them and get right back to you.

Speaker 1:

Okay, so for today's topic, people pleasing. I chose this topic specifically because, even on my personal journey of moving through anxiety, moving through grief, moving through perfectionism, I realized that underneath all that, there was a lot of other things that I got to take a look at, which people-pleasing was definitely one of them. And doing just this deeper work, this deeper healing work, and working with the shadow and working with our limitations. It can be really tough stuff, it can be challenging at times, and so this topic, specifically people pleasing I think it definitely relates to our theme for this month of boundaries, and I know on a previous episode I think it was two episodes ago I mentioned that I would be talking more about people pleasing, and so that is that episode here right now. So that is what I have for you right now.

Speaker 1:

So people pleasing in itself is this learned nervous system response that we've learned over time as a form of survival. And I always like to say that our defense mechanisms, our nervous system responses, are actually quite brilliant for what we needed in those moments when they were formed. And then over time, you know, as we grow and we get older, we realize that sometimes those patterns don't always serve us and because in those moments we were trying to survive, they are actually in fact quite brilliant. But today, when those same alarm systems don't know to be going off, that is when we get to kind of like reprogram and work through any past limitations so that we can recreate ourselves with full freedom to express full embodiment and just full freedom to show up and take up space as we truly are. So people pleasing is typically created in childhood. It's usually an inner child wound and it is a learned behavior that goes to some sort of the tune of if I make so and so happy, I will be safe or I will be loved or I will be acknowledged or I will be seen, and so it leads to kind of good girl behavior, good girl conditioning, and it essentially at the root is a form of the FON trauma response. So there's four trauma responses freeze, fon, flight or fight. Freeze, fon, flight or fight. And FON is one of those four trauma responses. And Fawn is one of those four trauma responses.

Speaker 1:

So the challenges that we face when this trauma response happens is it shows up as a disconnection from our authentic voice. Because we're constantly trying to shrink or allow someone else to be heard ahead of us, which can in turn help. We end up feeling less self-expressed, we end up appeasing other people to avoid conflict or avoid a disagreement, which means we might say yes or we might say no when we actually mean the opposite, and we also end up prioritizing other people's comfort and other people's needs over your own. So all of these behaviors are part of the FON trauma response and, over time, chronically being in that pattern. It can lead to resentment, it can lead to burnout, it can lead to friendships ending, relationships ending heightened anxiety. So there's a lot of things that can happen from this one behavior.

Speaker 1:

If this behavior were similar to the anxiety iceberg, if you put people pleasing at the top of the iceberg instead of anxiety, you might see that when that iceberg melts, underneath all of that, people pleasing are these other challenges and issues, other things that come up. So, as we're taking a look at this pattern and we're looking into this behavior, it's helpful to get curious about what happens in your body when these patterns happen in real life. So, when you think of disappointing somebody else, what happens? Do you feel a tightness in your chest, do you feel a sinking feeling, a shrinking, do you feel overwhelmed with guilt or grief or shame? And essentially, although it's very uncomfortable, this is your body's natural response and reaction as it's preparing for a conflict or a rejection. And although it's uncomfortable, it's actually quite brilliant. So, accepting our bodies and understanding our bodies exactly how they are and how they're showing up and how they're responding, and not making them bad or wrong for it, we're just kind of getting curious and taking a look. So are you able to sit with and acknowledge any discomfort that comes up when you do think of disappointing somebody else? Because essentially, with people pleasing, when we're chronically trying to appease everybody else, if we step out of that behavior and we step into a new one, it can be really confronting and it can be really scary because you're going to move from essentially keeping the peace to maybe disrupting the peace and that can be very uncomfortable.

Speaker 1:

And over the past few years, as I've started to take a look more at this behavior of people pleasing, there was a teacher, another coach, that I stumbled upon. Actually I found her when I was still on TikTok. I'm not on TikTok anymore, but when I was still on TikTok, maybe like two years ago, she was in the midst of getting canceled by a bunch of hundreds of thousands of people on TikTok were trying to cancel her and that's how she ended up in my algorithm and how she was showing up and how she was talking about her experience of being canceled and how it was affecting her somatically in the body, because she's also a somatic coach. I found so fascinating and her niche is people pleasing, like this is her actual niche and she also highlights the fawn response and goes into great detail in these two areas. And so I took one of her courses and it was all around people pleasing, being disliked, somatic, experiencing, like all that good stuff Totally my jam, and I thought it was really interesting.

Speaker 1:

And in the course she shared this one tool that I will share with you now. So she shares this one tool about getting familiar with the qualities of your favorite villain, and I find this so interesting. But I would use the example of like Anna Delvey from Inventing Anna. If you've seen that so good I think it's on Netflix, but you could also use like Cruella DeVille, you could use like any kind of villain, pretty much anyone that's on the Traitor Show. If you watch that like someone who society has deemed a villain, that person is bad, that person is like the villain on a show or a series or a movie, and so you're going to pick a villain and you're going to get familiar with your favorite qualities of that villain. So if you again, if you have any kind of people-pleasing history, this is going to be uncomfortable Because for years this would be something that maybe you have interpreted as being like very quote-unquote, bad or shameful. And so she suggests embodying the archetype of this villain for one week and then the next time we met for the next class, she wanted us to come like dressed as that character and like share about our experience of like.

Speaker 1:

If I was going through the grocery store and someone was rude to me, because for some reason the grocery stores by me are like absolutely a war zone, but if that week which this didn't happen but if that week if I were embodying Anna Delvey, like what, what would my response have been, instead of like just being upset? But anyway, it was very fun practice and I think that playing around with this tool, and this idea specifically, allowed me to discover a few other things about people pleasing as well. So the first is that it allowed me to rewrite the fear of disappointing other people, and that is something that I think in itself is just amazing, so liberating when you're like so attached to making other people happy. Um, it allowed me to create a little bit of space and friction and difference in that thought and in that behavior. So I made it into like a game, like if, if someone were, if I did something and someone were upset with me, instead of being like feeling like so, so so bad about it. Maybe I was like, oh, like I did something bad, like ooh, like it's fun to be bad, like making it a little bit of a game and bringing a little bit of playful and playfulness into it and I'm talking about innocent stuff, obviously nothing that's like harmful or serious or anything like that. But, um, it does make it a little bit lighter and a little bit of possibility in something that might be emotionally charged or hard.

Speaker 1:

And I think an easy example that is very relatable is if you've ever quit a job, it can come with a lot of mixed emotions. So maybe this was a hard decision for you or maybe you had to have a few difficult conversations before that time came where you actually ended up quitting, and most likely someone in that experience is going to be disappointed, whether it's a coworker or a manager or a boss or someone. Maybe it's even like someone in your life, like they're not even at your job. Maybe it's like a parent or a friend, someone. Maybe it's even like someone in your life like they're not even at your job. Maybe it's like a parent or a friend, like it's usually a big decision that is going to cause disappointment for somebody hopefully not for you if you're the one that's choosing to quit, but you get the idea. So it's like an easy example of how can we rewrite that fear of disappointing somebody else when it means that your needs and what you need is going to come first.

Speaker 1:

And then, another area that it allowed me to dive into and really see from a different light, which I really enjoyed, was that all of the conditioning around this behavior of people pleasing is something that you can revisit. It is not a behavior that is always going to be there if you don't want it to be, especially if it's something that's not serving you Like if you are feeling like you're totally overgiving or your boundaries are totally misaligned or you are so resentful in a friendship or a partnership or something. All of the behaviors that you've been experiencing or patterns that you're finding yourself in can be revisited. They can be changed. You can change your mindset, you can change your patterns. It is all possible.

Speaker 1:

And in my approach, the work that I've done for myself personally and also with all of my clients for this particular pattern around people pleasing and all of the challenging emotions that it brings up, is inner child work absolutely revisiting those parts of yourself and understanding each part of yourself and around this area of people pleasing. So the part of you that people pleases, when really that part is looking for love or safety, like allowing yourself and your inner experience to become one of the safest places that you experience internally. So nothing even has to change externally when you do inner child work. It's actually quite fascinating because you're able to understand yourself internally from a totally different perspective. Another tool somatic therapy.

Speaker 1:

I think that using the perspective of connecting with the body and understanding the body when you're working with this behavior of people-pleasing is so different and unique than other modalities that you'll find out there, and I think it really allows you to understand the responses and the sensations and what's happening in your body when these behaviors are happening. And oftentimes it's about sitting with that discomfort and again learning to make yourself a safe space to be with internally and understanding what's coming up for you exactly. And so, inner child work, somatic therapy, somatic coaching that's the work that I'm doing with clients every day in this area, and it is able to expand your capacity to be disliked, voice your opinion, express yourself authentically and really take up space and be truly embodied in what is your honest truth. And then, lastly, before I close out this episode, something that I always like to come back to whenever I'm speaking about something like deep emotional healing or reprogramming or changing behaviors, is absolutely having self-compassion and knowing that whatever journey you're on is not about perfection. It's really about making yourself feel safe to express yourself authentically and being able to create a life that you absolutely love to be in relationships that you love to be surrounded by people that bring out the best of you. Breast in you that in a place where you feel like safe that's ultimately what it's about. Breast in you that in a place where you feel like safe that's ultimately what it's about.

Speaker 1:

So, although people pleasing is a condition, response to small T or big T trauma, it's something that you can change. It can take time, it's absolutely possible and all you really need to do to start, if you're looking to make some shifts in this area, is to be aware of the pattern, build your capacity to feel uncomfortable, know that if it feels bad or wrong, that probably means that it is what you need to do or say, and it's a muscle you know the other side of emerging from people pleasing and those new behaviors is a muscle that you can build over time. So continue to be self-compassionate with yourself, gentle with yourself, patient, understanding, and that is what I have for you for today's topic. So I hope that you enjoyed today's episode. I absolutely love recording these for you.

Speaker 1:

If anything came up where you're like wanting to chat with me about it, you're curious about something, you can send me a DM, you can send me an email. I love chatting with you and, yeah, I hope that you have an incredible rest of your week, an incredible rest of your day, and I will talk to you soon. Thank you so much for tuning in to today's episode. If you are moved or inspired, please share with me by leaving a rating and review on Apple Podcasts. It means the world to me and I am so appreciative for your support in helping my podcast grow. If we aren't already connected on social media, head over to Instagram and TikTok and follow me at RayTheSemanticCoach. Make sure you check out the show notes of today's episode for links to freebies, opportunities to work with me and ways we can stay connected outside of the podcast. I'm so happy that you're here and I can't wait to talk with you on our next episode of the Radiant Life Podcast.