The Hearts Hello

Overcoming the Helper's Dilemma

• Keona Ellerbe • Season 1 • Episode 4

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You know those moments when you find yourself lost in other people's needs, prioritizing them over your own? That's the Helper's Dilemma I've been struggling with, and I bet you've been there too. We're going on a deep journey to understand the psychological nuggets that keep us stuck in this never-ending cycle. We'll dissect the role of empathy, self-worth, and the fear of disappointing others in sustaining this dilemma.

But it's not all about identifying the problem. It's also about finding solutions. This episode will guide you through strategies to challenge your negative thoughts, establish personal goals, and build a practice of self-compassion. We'll talk about the significance of embracing vulnerability, of standing up to perfectionism, and saying no when it's necessary. We'll explore the importance of celebrating your achievements and how these are vital steps towards overcoming the Helper's Dilemma and realizing your full potential. Trust me, this is an episode you won't want to miss, so tune in, and let's inspire each other on this exciting journey.

Speaker 1:

Hey Heartseekers, welcome to the HeartSell-O show, where we believe that our hearts are the foundation of our well-being and happiness. I am your host, keana Thelena. Today, we're diving into a topic that resonates with many of us the Helper's Dilemma. We're going to explore this intricate dance and yes, it is a dance between providing support to others and prioritizing our own assignments and projects. So I'm going to need you to buckle up as we go on this journey and begin to peel back the layers of this dilemma and delve into the reasons why those who excel at helping others often struggle to help themselves. First things first, we need to understand this Helper's Dilemma, and I'm going to sum it up in my own words. It is a bunch of foolishness, crap, hogwash that we tell ourselves to justify why others need us more than we need ourselves, why others' assignments are more important than our own, why it's so much easier to help others than to help ourselves. Yep, you got it. I'm coming down your street today. I am parking my car in front of your house and knocking on your door. Now hear me, and hear me clearly. I'm not saying you should not help, because we have been put here to serve others in some way shape, form or capacity. What I am saying is that you can't be 10 toes down in helping someone else when you know that you have a project, an assignment, a calling that you are neglecting and you keep sliding it to the back burner every time your phone rings, every time you get an email that someone needs your help. Yep, that goes for family and church folks too. Y'all understand that there are psychological factors that contribute to this Helper's Dilemma, from empathy and self-worth to fear of disappointing others and the burden of just plain old perfectionism. Let me throw this in here, this caveat, really quickly for you all to please note that I am not a therapist, and nor do I pretend to play one out here in these TV and radio streets. I am a coach whose purpose is to help you see the true version of you, and I will not allow you to quit on you. I will not allow your assignments to be put on the back burner. I will not allow you to leave this earth without pouring out everything that has been placed down on the inside of you.

Speaker 1:

So why is this episode so important to me? Because I'm raising my hand actually, I'm raising both hands because this is something that I have dealt with and it has caused me to be stagnant and stuck trying to figure out what exactly is it that's causing me to not be able to move my feet. Y'all, I am a visionary and a strategist. It is nothing for me to take the thoughts of someone else and to say, oh, this is what you want to do, no problem, let me come up with a plan to help you. But that same tenacity that I have, that same strategy that I've been able to help someone else, I'll get stuck in my head trying to figure out what to do. See, I've been having this same conversation with some amazing people in my inner circle and the same question keeps coming up why? Why is it that I can't do this for myself the same way that I do it for others? And in one of the conversations that I was having is because I feel like, as a strategist, sometimes we see so far in advance, sometimes we have the insight in the foresight so far from someone for someone else, that we can put all of that information in a cute package and provide it to them and they can go ahead and execute. But when it comes to that same level of execution for ourselves, we have now looked so far in advance that it scares us. What exactly is it that scares us? Well, could it be that it's the fear that we believe that we just can't, that we just don't have what it takes for what we see to come to fruition. Could it be that we've talked ourselves out of the very thing that we know that we should be by going down this what if? Path? Now, y'all again, like I said, it's me, I'm raising my hand, as the song, the old school song, will say it's me, oh Lord, standing in the knee, like y'all.

Speaker 1:

It is hard sometimes for individuals to just move their feet on the assignments that they have been given. Yes, fear creeps in. Yes, self-doubt creeps in. Yes, this imposter syndrome creeps in. Yes, all of these things begin to creep in. But what is it that we can do? One, to recognize where did those thoughts come from? And then, two, how can we move past it? Because too many people are leaving this earth completely full when they should be empty. Dr Miles Monroe said that the graveyard is the richest place on earth. Why? Because so many people have gotten into our heads and I'm talking about ourselves when now we have talked ourselves out of what we know to do. We know what to do, but we just don't know how to move our feet. And so, yes, I understand that helping others is so fulfilling, because now we have seen what was just a thought at one point for them has come to this full-grown child, this full-grown project that they now have manifested, which is amazing.

Speaker 1:

But what is it about us where we feel like we have to help everyone else before we help ourselves? Is it that we feel like our self-worth is tied to the helping, that need for that external validation? Is it the fear of disappointing others and that weight of their expectation? Or maybe it's the perfectionism and the high standards that we strive to put on ourselves? Y'all, we have to find a way to be able to move forward and to do both, because, as I said in the beginning, we're not just here for ourselves. We have been put on this earth to be able to serve others. That is the reason why each one of us has been given these different gifts, talents and abilities, because we're here to serve. But we have to be able to find a way to do both, and we have to find a way to make sure that we're putting us in a position first, before we are able to help someone else.

Speaker 1:

Because if we're trying to pour out of an empty cup, what is it that the person we're trying to help, what are they receiving? They're receiving half of us. They're receiving a version of us that could be a quarter. But what if? Just what, if let's go down this rabbit hole for a minute, that we took the time to figure out what exactly we're supposed to do, we have scheduled it, we are doing the work and then, when we show up to help someone else, they get a thousand percent of what we have. Why? Because we have filled up our own cups. We have learned how to encourage ourselves. We have learned that it's important for us to make sure that we are good first. And so, yeah, I'm going to go ahead and say it's not selfish. It's not selfish to put yourself first. It would be considered selfish to not put yourself first. Again, I just have to keep reiterating the fact that, yes, we have to make sure that others in our lives are taken care of, but we can't show up and give them a hundred percent when we're at fifteen. We can't show up and give them a hundred percent when we're at negative fifteen. We have to be the best versions of ourselves so that when we give ourselves to others in these projects and these tasks that they have assigned to us, that we can show up and be excellent in that assignment.

Speaker 1:

You all, I hope that you're getting something from this and I hope that you're hearing my passion behind what I'm trying to relate to you today, because it's personal for me. It's personal for me because I know what it feels like to not be able to say no. I know what it feels like to have the weight on my shoulders of feeling like I need to help everyone else, but I was actually the person that needed help. I understand that those who have this helper's dilemma sometimes don't want to ask others for help, but why is it that it's okay for everyone else to ask you for help, but you can't ask anyone else for help? You have to be in a position to be vulnerable enough to share with others that you need help. You have to be able to speak up for you. No one else is coming to your defense except for you. So if you're burnt out, that's because you weren't able to speak up for you and tell someone no. So what are some ways that we can overcome this motivation gap and this support gap so that we can explore that same level of support and encouragement that we give to others towards our own goals.

Speaker 1:

The very first thing that we need to do is set clear boundaries. Let me slow that down a little more. Set clear boundaries. Yeah, I was the absolute worst, with boundaries being 100, I had no boundaries. If you would call me, regardless of what time you needed me, oh, I'm trying to figure out how to knock this out for you. What is it that you need? Okay, I got it. There were no boundaries. And so, in order for us to show up the way that we need to, we have to establish boundaries between the rollers that help her and our personal time. So that's going to require you to sit down and figure out what are your personal times first, not the times that you're able to help others. You have to set, just like being on the plane, they said, put your mask on first. So you're going to have to take the time to sit down and figure out what days will you be doing what for you first, and then, after you've established that when people reach out to you for whatever it is, that they need. You already know when you have the availability to do so. So that's going to be the first thing Set clear boundaries.

Speaker 1:

The second thing is practice self-compassion. When you're helping someone else, you're able to treat them with a level of kindness and understanding that sometimes we don't grant ourselves. We have to treat ourselves with that same level and acknowledge our own needs and feelings, without judgment. We can be the hardest critics on ourselves. So, yeah, we have to practice that same level of self-compassion towards someone else. Practice it with yourself.

Speaker 1:

The third thing in us motivating ourselves, we're going to have to challenge the negative thoughts. Challenge the negative thoughts, y'all. We are our worst critics. We are our worst critics Half of the time. No one has to say anything to us. We have so many thoughts swirling in our head about what we can do, what we can't do. If we go this route, what will happen If we go that route? What will happen? How about you just go straight? How about you not even try to figure it out? Just go, put one foot in front of the other and just walk. See where it leads. You See what happens if we can just counter those negative thoughts. Because if there's constantly negative thoughts swirling around in your head, you'll never do the very thing that you know that you're supposed to.

Speaker 1:

The fourth thing is going to be and I talked about it a little earlier practice saying no, no, no, nah, nope, ain't gonna happen. No, thank you. Whichever one you choose, practice saying no it's a complete sentence. Again, it goes based on your boundaries. So when you say no to something or when you say yes I'm sorry when you say yes to something, that means you have to say no to something else. What exactly are you saying yes to that is causing you to have to say no to something else? I know that it's hard to say no to the people that you care about. I know it's hard when the people that you love the most come to you and they're in this dire emergency. Everything they have is an emergency. Let me tell you something their emergency is not your emergency. I had to learn that. But when you set up those boundaries, they will begin to recognize oh wait, I can't call Keana and say, hey, this is what I need for her to do and think that she's gonna knock it out right then. And there, no, keana has boundaries, and so if you call me, then I'm going to tell you when I can get it back to you. You're not going to dictate to me when you need it back, because if that were the case, then you can do it. So practice saying no, no, no, nah, nope. Which apple works best for you?

Speaker 1:

The fifth thing is going to be embrace your vulnerability. You don't have to ask for help. Recognize that seeking help and support is a sign of strength and not weakness. I know, I know it's hard to be able to ask people for help when you feel like you can just do everything on your own. Well, let me ask you this question How's that working out for you? How is feeling like you can do everything and then doing everything working out for you? You're burnt out. You're tired. I know you are. I have been there. Ask for help. I know that there have been people who have let you down in the past. I know that there have been people who have lied and said that they could do. I get it, but in order for you to get to that next level, you're going to have to ask for help.

Speaker 1:

The next thing is going to be set your personal goals. Get out your calendar, write out what it is that you would like to do. Set those milestones and get to work. You can't measure what you can't see. The word says that write the vision and make it plain that he who sees it can run. So if you have everything in your head about what you need to do with this project assignment, this calling that you have, that's the reason why nothing is getting done, because you're all in your head. Nothing has been written down on paper. This is the reason why you're so far in advance. You're five years, ten years down the road and you haven't even given the business a name yet. Write it out Again. You can't measure what you can't see.

Speaker 1:

The next thing you're going to have to do is check in regularly. Check that calendar that you're writing everything down in. Check off to see what you did. Check off to see what you didn't do. Check to see what needs to be done. Are there things that need to be tweaked? Are there dates that need to be moved? It's okay, give yourself some grace.

Speaker 1:

You don't have to try to do it all, but the thing about it is you have to be doing something, not just busy work. No, no, no, no, no. You're going to have to be doing some work, work towards the actual goal that you have set. So check in. Check in not just with what you're supposed to be doing. Check in with you mentally, check in with you emotionally, check in with your heart, y'all. This is the reason why practicing mindfulness is so important, because you have to sit down and be quiet and still with you. If your heart isn't right, your mind isn't right. If your mind isn't right, your body is out of alignment. You have to be in a position, in a posture to always be knowing what's going on with you, even if that just means closing your eyes for a quick second to just breathe, y'all.

Speaker 1:

I'm excited about where we are going, and I say we because this is all a journey. We're motivating each other. I'm not just on here as your coach, I'm journeying through this life with you. What I know, you'll know, and hopefully, if there are some things that I may have missed that you can enlighten me, you can share with me.

Speaker 1:

Another thing that we don't do, that we should be doing, is celebrating our achievements. If you're starting a business, celebrate the fact that you did the LLC. Celebrate the fact that you did a little more than you've done in the past. If you're writing a book, celebrate the fact that, hey, you know if you want to be self-publishing or not. Those small milestones, those small goals do you see how all of the things that I've just talked about go into these? These, all of these things work together. They're all part of the puzzle, but you're going to have to get the pieces in order to complete the puzzle, y'all.

Speaker 1:

I want to tell you a story so bad about puzzles. Maybe I'll talk about it another time, but what I will say is that border pieces go on the outside. They go on the outside of the puzzle. I'm excited, y'all. I'm so excited about this journey. I'm so excited about you overcoming the helper's dilemma.

Speaker 1:

Yes, it requires patience, yes, it requires self-compassion, but I'm here to tell you that you got this. I'm here to tell you that you are not an imposter. I'm here to tell you that you are not a fraud, that you can believe in your achievements because they are a result of your skills, abilities and competencies. You are amazing, those same people that you've helped. Imagine if you take all of what you've learned in helping them. And you help you, because when you are helping you, you become the best version of yourself for everyone else.

Speaker 1:

So when you're pouring out, you now have a cup that is full, that is running over to be able to help someone else. Some people are just going to get the residual of all of the work that you're getting ready to pour out. Sometimes your cup is going to be overflowing where you don't even need to tilt it. People are going to just be able to walk up to you and be able to catch some of the overflow that you have. But you're going to have to get the work. You're going to have to recognize the feelings that you have.

Speaker 1:

I get it. Self-doubt can come up, I get it. I also get that when you focus on your accomplishments, when you're seeking positive feedback and you're practicing self-compassion, you're embracing the challenges as an opportunity for growth and you and by nurturing ourselves authentically, all of this is about you being authentic. All of this is about you walking into the best version of you. You're able to break free from the old patterns and help you navigate through the helper's dilemma. How? With grace and intention. So I thank you for joining me on this adventure of the Hearts. Hello Show. We're together. We're going to embrace vulnerability, learn from each other and spread love. One heart felt hello at a time.