The Hearts Hello

You Are Not the Lies You've Been Told

• Keona T. Ellerbe • Season 2 • Episode 37

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The most powerful transformation often begins with a challenging question: What if the version of yourself you've been protecting was never really you at all? 

In this soul-stirring exploration, we dive deep into the process of unlearning the lies we've internalized throughout our lives. From childhood messages to cultural expectations, we've collected beliefs that shape how we show up, settle for less, and silence our authentic selves. These false narratives become so familiar that we mistake them for truths – creating identities like "the fixer," "the overachiever," or "the strong one" that might have once kept us safe, but now keep us small.

The journey of unlearning is more challenging than learning because these lies feel true when they've been reinforced by repeated relationships, rejections, and shame. But there's freedom in naming these falsehoods – "I must be strong all the time," "my worth is tied to my productivity," "I have to do it all alone," and perhaps most deceptively, "I love hard." Each of these beliefs can be replaced with liberating truths that allow us to show up authentically.

This episode isn't just about identifying what's holding you back – it's about deciding who you are now, beyond the survival mechanisms you once needed. Your purpose has no expiration date, your healing doesn't need to follow anyone else's timeline, and your growth often comes through movement, not before it. Take this invitation to journal about one lie you're releasing and the truth you're embracing instead. Your authentic self is waiting just beyond the stories you've outgrown.

Speaker 1:

All right. So, for those of you all who have been listening to this show for some time now, I just want to say thank you. And then to our new listeners, those heart seekers who have decided to join us on this adventure, we call life, as we are showing up as our most authentic version of ourselves. Our most authentic version of ourselves, welcome this episode. We are going to be unlearning the lies that we have believed about ourselves, and you'll notice that in my episodes, in my messages, I'm always going to refer to us as we us, because I believe that we are traveling through life together and we've never completely arrived, because each level that we get to requires a different version of ourselves. So one thing that I may have mastered in another version of me is not going to be the same level of awareness, is not going to be the same level of who I need to become in order to get to where I need to be Got it. So, again, we are going to be unlearning the lies that we have believed about ourselves. To be unlearning the lies that we have believed about ourselves. It's interesting, because what if the version of you, of us, that we've been protecting, was never really who we are at all. So in this episode, we're going to be pulling back the layers and exposing the silent beliefs that have shaped how we show up, settle and silence ourselves, because I believe that it is time for us to unlearn the lies, confront the false narratives and rediscover the truth of who we are, without the shame I shared with you all last week that I shared with you all last week that there's times in our lives that we have to go through a quiet shift and in that quiet shift, sometimes we have to sit with ourselves, sometimes we have to face who we see in the mirror and we have to be okay with where we are going in this season of our lives. With where we are going in this season of our lives, I share with you all that I got to a place where I felt like I was just going through the motions and I wasn't truly present in what it was that I was doing.

Speaker 1:

Yes, I was accomplishing things, but it was just me checking off the box. It was like I just became a robot in my own life and I had to realize that sometimes we can show up just out of a habit of us doing it. But are we really present? Are we being where our feet are? And the answer for me was no. So I had to sit and I had to fast and I had to pray and I had to ask for clarity of what season that I was in.

Speaker 1:

And in this particular season of my life, I realized that I need help. I realized that I cannot do it all on my own. And, yes, it's cool where you know, sometimes you're running around with this cape on and it looks like you are checking off all of the boxes and you're looking like you're doing all of the work, but deep down inside you are completely burnt out and realizing that I needed help and asking for the help that I needed help and asking for the help that I needed. Now, for those of you all who know me personally, I am the person who will bring every bag in the house at one time because I don't want to have to keep going back to the car. But in this season, y'all, this assignment that I'm on, this purpose assignment that I'm on, it's not a solo trip. This is going to require some work. This is going to require some different brains in the room to help me accomplish all that God has given me, and so I want you to take some time. Although this was about last week's episode, I need you to really hone in on what season are you in in your life, because that is going to help us in this episode as we unlearn the lies that we have believed about ourselves, like I just shared with you.

Speaker 1:

I felt like I could do it all by myself, and, yes, I can pat myself on the back and say that I can wear numerous hats at one time, and I can knock things out the park even last minute if I procrastinated and not done what I knew I was supposed to do. But this season, this level that I'm on now, is requiring excellence. It is requiring me to master one thing and not just have my hand in a thousand pots, and so I had to be okay with unlearning the lie that I had to do it all by myself, because I can't and I don't want to. How about that? Not only is it that I cannot, but I don't want to. I want to be able to bring people into what it is that I'm building, because it's not about me, and so I need you to take some time to personally reflect on a moment when you realize that you have been living under someone else's definition of enough. That moment felt like a crack in your armor, but it felt like freedom. So take a moment to think about what that was, what that is, because you're going to need to get that energy from that space in order for you to move into where you're getting ready to go.

Speaker 1:

You know, sometimes, when I think back on just life in general, and where do these lies come from? Their childhood messages, some that were spoken and unspoken. It could be cultural, relational, religious. Cultural relational religious. I grew up in a household where the women in the church didn't wear pants and they didn't have earrings and they didn't wear makeup. Who told you that? Where in the Bible can you show me that? That's there? Or I had to just look at you know all of the things that my mom was able to accomplish and, yes, she may have done it gracefully, but I am sure that there were times when she just didn't have it in her. But she never showed that emotion.

Speaker 1:

And I wonder for me, when I got older, did I take on that trait of not saying and not expressing my emotion, although I had it? I learned how to bottle it all up, I learned how to become a pressure cooker, and by the time I said something, it had been. Months had gone by, and at that point I'm enraged, I'm crying, I can barely get out what it is that I need to say. But that was a lie, that I have been told, that you don't show emotion, that you just hold it all in. And so we have to begin to think about what silence taught us, and sometimes the loudest lie is the one that we learned when no one said a word.

Speaker 1:

You know, there are some false identities that we may have picked up. The fixer is that you, the overachiever, the quiet one, the strong one, the peacemaker, we begin to shape our identity around what keeps us safe, even if it's suffocating, and so we have to get to a place where we understand those things, we recognize them, and then we have to dive into how those lies became truths that we lived by. And so why unlearning is harder than learning? It's because those lies feel true when they get reinforced by our repeated relationships, our rejection, our silence, our shame. And we have to ask the question how we begin to protect ourselves from the lie, to avoid the pain. What is it that we begin to do so that we don't feel those things, and most of the time, we begin to overcompensate in that space.

Speaker 1:

So I have a question for you what belief about yourself feels true, but you know that it isn't from God? You're going to have to ask yourself that question and then sit with it. Don't try to rush through that moment, because you need to figure out. What is it that you believe about yourself? That is true, that you believe is true, that's not true. And the easiest way to figure out if it is indeed is true or not, test it against the word of God. For those of you all who are believers, test it against the word. And if you cannot find it in the word, it is not true.

Speaker 1:

I like to say it this way that the enemy can only throw thoughts. His playground is our mind, and so if we understand that and if we know that all of these things that are going on in our brain, that we have began to believe is true about ourselves, that is not true. So you're going to have to unlearn that and then relearn it. So there are going to be some signs. When you're unlearning, you feel lost, you start asking who am I without this. You feel guilt for choosing peace. See the discomfort of releasing false comfort. It throws your whole system off because you're used to telling yourself this lie. But I'm going to give you a gift of awareness. It's going to be the moment you name the lie and you loosen its grip. I'll say that again your gift is going to be awareness that the moment you name the lie, you loosen its grip. So an affirmation that you can say to that is I released the pressure to be who I had to be, just to survive.

Speaker 1:

We're not surviving anymore. We are thriving because in order for us to get to the next level, in order for us to be the authentic version that we need to be, to step into this person that we want to be, deserve to be, desire to be, we have to thrive. And so the truth that we have to replace With that lie is One can be that I'm too much. That's the lie. You're going to have to replace that with I'm just enough for the people who are for me. Another one could be I always mess things up. Replace it with I'm learning and growing. Another one could be I need to earn love. We're going to have to replace that as love is who I am. See, the work is not to deny what happened. The work is to decide who we are now. So, before we close, I'm just going to go through a list, and these are questions that you're going to have to ask yourself if any of these hit home for you and if these are some of the things that you have been saying to yourself.

Speaker 1:

I have to be strong all the time. See, this lie teaches you to suppress your emotions and to carry more than you should. So in unlearning that it's strength in silence. Strength is knowing when to rest, to speak up or to ask for help. Number two I'm not allowed to change. See, some people stay stuck because they feel obligated to stay consistent with the version of themselves. Others are used to Unlearning, that is, you're allowed to outgrow roles, beliefs and people and people. Number three that my worth is tied to my productivity. See, this one, even for me, runs deep, because if, most of the time, even when you rest, even when you pause, even when you're just being Number four, if I speak up, I'll lose love. Y'all so many stay silent, shrink themselves or become people pleasers to avoid conflict.

Speaker 1:

You're going to have to unlearn, to learn.

Speaker 1:

Real love can handle your truth. Number five I have to have it all figured out before I start. Lie, lie, lie, lie, lie, lie. Oh my gosh, that's a lie. That's the one that I am still even learning, because we feel like perfectionism is. It is one of the biggest traps that keep people stuck in procrastination. No one asked you to be perfect. No one. You told yourself that it had to be perfect. You told yourself that it wasn't enough. You told yourself that someone was going to think a certain way because it looks a certain way or because you sound a certain way. Oh gosh, unlearn to learn that clarity often comes through movement, not before it. Number six this is just how I am Y'all. That's a defense mechanism that makes you feel and hold on to habits, trauma, responses and limiting beliefs about your identity.

Speaker 1:

Unlearn to learn your past may have shaped you, but it doesn't have to define you. Number seven I'm too old, it's too late, too far behind If y'all could see me really pointing and moving my head, because that's how y'all look when you say that. But age, timing and comparison can trick people into settling for less than what they deserve. So you're going to have to unlearn to learn that your journey does not need to look like anyone else's. Purpose has no expiration date. Number eight I have to do it all alone. Do you Remember my example of trying to bring everything into the house at one time, girl? Why can't you just go back out? Why do you have to feel like you got to do it all by yourself? Hyper independence is often a trauma response. So unlearning to learn needing support doesn't make you weak, it makes you wise.

Speaker 1:

Number nine I should be over this by now. Sometimes you're not, and it's okay, and you're going to cry through it. And when you think that you're over it, you're going to cry again, and you're going to cry again. See, this thought leads to shame and self-judgment during your healing process. Everyone is going to heal differently, and don't allow anyone to tell you any different. Oh, get over it. No. So unlearn to learn that healing is not linear. You're not late, you're layered. And number 10, my mistakes define me. Regret, shame, guilt can become a heavy lens through which people view their whole identity.

Speaker 1:

Unlearn to learn that you are more than your worst moments. Growth is proof that you're not that person anymore, y'all. And then this one right here, this one right here. This is the bonus, but this is one that people I hear people say all the time, and even one that I have said out my own mouth oh, I love heart. Huh, often said with pride, but sometimes it's covering for overextending, overgiving and accepting crumbs just to feel close to someone. Nah, not anymore. Nope, no, thank you. Return the sender.

Speaker 1:

Unlearn to learn that love isn't meant to deplete you. The goal isn't to love hard, it's to love well, with boundaries, balance and self-respect. With boundaries, balance and self-respect. So, y'all, I want us to get to a place where we are thriving, where we are growing, where we are being the true and authentic version of ourselves and we can show up and be proud about it. So I invite you to journal on this prompt this week what's one lie that I'm releasing this week and what truth am I replacing it with? I'll say it again what one lie am I releasing this week and what truth am I replacing it with? Y'all go ahead and DM me truth if this episode spoke to you, and I'll send you a resource to guide you through your unlearning journey. All right, until next time.