The Hearts Hello

Who Would You Be If You Stopped Asking for Permission?

• Keona T. Ellerbe • Season 2 • Episode 43

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Have you been shrinking yourself to make others comfortable? Dimming your light to fit in? Saying yes when every part of your being screams no? You're not alone.

Welcome to the very first video episode of my podcast journey, where I'm pulling back the curtain on transformation and authenticity. For years, I served as a redesign coach, helping others navigate their journeys while silently struggling with my own. My turning point? Cutting off my locks after ten years—a physical manifestation of shedding the trauma, stress, and expectations I'd been carrying.

Your hair holds your story. Mine held marriages, career transitions, childbirth, and hardships. When I finally cut it all off, I didn't recognize myself—because I was meeting the person I was always meant to be. This journey taught me that authenticity isn't about never changing; it's about stopping the performance and embracing who you already are.

We've all been taught to perform rather than just be. Remember being called to sing or dance at family gatherings? Those moments trained us to seek validation through performance rather than presence. Over time, we edit ourselves until our truth feels like a threat. But what if being full of yourself isn't selfish, but sacred?

Today, I challenge you with homework: What parts of yourself have you been apologizing for? What would it feel like to stop? Who would you be if you stopped asking for permission? Take up space this week in one way that feels brave—speak up, launch the thing, wear the outfit. If your voice shakes, use it anyway. You are the permission you've been waiting for.

Subscribe and join me on this journey of showing up authentically, without editing, without perfect lighting or equipment—just real conversations about finding our way back to ourselves.

Speaker 1:

All right, youtube. So we are going to try this out for the first time. You hear me. I have been doing my podcast for the last two years and it has been audio only, and so you all are going to come along on this journey with me as I figure out all of these things about YouTube and the good thing about it is, as I figure things out, I'm going to share it with you, because I feel like there are so many of you all who have stories, have things that need to be shared, have things that need to be shared, but you're unsure how to start a podcast. You're unsure about how even to put yourself out there enough to start your own YouTube channel, and when I say this is indeed a stretch because, well, we'll get into that, all right.

Speaker 1:

So what I want to share with you all is just a little bit about myself. My name is Kiana Talena, and I'm here as a servant. I'm here as your guide through this journey that we call life, but I believe that we are all on this journey together. I believe that it is an adventure that we all are traveling. Some of us are further along, some of us have taken a break, some of us don't feel like traveling at all, and if any of those are you, you're in the right place, because today I'm going to talk about how we just have to show up sometimes and be the true and authentic version of ourselves, regardless of who may want to hear it.

Speaker 1:

Someone is waiting on your testimony, and so my story kind of started with you know, I thought it was my transition from me going from a head full of locks and at some point I will share this picture with you all to cutting off my back and sides, to completely just cutting it off and having my natural hair. Yes, I may have braids right now, but I cut my locks off y'all. And when I say that, my locks were down my back for 10 plus years. But what I didn't realize is that your hair holds a story. Your hair has gone through every stress of life that you've had, and so in that time span I've had children, I had gone through a transition at work, I was going through not the best marriage, and so your hair begins to tell that story. And so your hair begins to tell that story. And a lot of people say that, oh, when a woman cuts her hair, she's getting ready to shake some things up. And it was true, but I didn't realize how true it was until I actually sketched out my timeline from when I cut my hair to, or when I had my hair to when I cut my back and sides, to when I completely cut it off.

Speaker 1:

But what I also did not realize is that in that process, before I even cut my back and sides, it was some years that I was beginning to cry out and didn't even realize it. See, I wrote my first book called 10 Steps to Breathe the Life in your Redesign. So as I was helping you all process and get through things of life, there was a quiet whisper that was happening down on the inside of me, a quiet whisper that was crying out for help. But I didn't know how to ask for help for myself. I knew how to show up and be the redesign coach at that time. I knew how to get people from where they were to where it was that they were trying to go. All the time I was the one that needed help.

Speaker 1:

Is there anyone else out there? Who you are, regardless of what you may have been going through in your life, you still found a way to show up for everyone else when you were the person that needed the help. You're in the right place because we're going to talk about it. We are going to talk about how, when there begins to be a stirring down on the inside of you and know, that doesn't mean for you to go even harder in who you are designed to help. That means you're now the person that needs to help or ask for help, and you need to find the language to know that it's OK when you need help too.

Speaker 1:

So today, this is just the introduction to me. This is an introduction so that you realize that you are not the only person who has gone through something. Yes, I've gone through bankruptcy. Yes, I've gone through repossession. Yes, I've gone through divorce. Yes, I've gone through being laid off. Yes, I've gone through my credit being garbage. Yes, I've gone through and had the opportunity to have my credit score at 800.

Speaker 1:

I have gone through every step of life and I sometimes question God why did you have me to go through it? And now I realized it's because I am brave enough to share those moments that most of us would hide from. I'm brave enough to share that. Guilt is not going to hold my tongue. Shame is not going to hold my tongue, that it is my time and your time too. So, if any of this is beginning to resonate with you, I have a question for you, and that question is what does it mean to be?

Speaker 1:

You See, let's start with the truth. Y'all See, most of us were taught to perform, but we never learned how to just be. Remember when families would all get together and maybe come on out here and sing that song, come on out here and do that dance. Those were beginning to be the times where we were learning to perform through life and not just be who we were called to be and not just be who we were called to be. And so we learned how to shrink, we learned how to code switch, we learned how to silence our ideas. We were told that we were too loud, too emotional, too much or not enough. Am I the only person that would? In class, they would say, oh, kiana's a great student, she does talk too much. And so that was considered to be a bad thing.

Speaker 1:

And now here I am, using my voice as a weapon, using my voice to help transform lives, using my voice to go to places that I have never been before. Because some of you all are going to hear me, and I'm in the United States and you're going to be in countries and continents that I have never stepped foot on yet, but that is also a sign for you that someone is needing your testimony. So, over time, we begin to edit ourselves until the truth felt like a threat. But what if I told you, being full of yourself isn't selfish, it's sacred, it's your offering to a world, it's your birthright. Will you make the decision that you will begin to show up as who you were called to be, that you will begin to show up as who you were called to be?

Speaker 1:

Like I said, for me it didn't resonate until a couple of weeks ago, if I'm being completely honest, what that transformation process was of me cutting my hair. It was shedding all of those things that I thought I needed to be, how I needed to show up, all of the trauma that took place in my life, that was now living in my locks. And so, yes, it took some time for me to even recognize my own self when I cut my hair, because when you've had something for so long, you begin to live with that. That becomes your identity, and so being able to cut it all off and for a while it was just black, and then I went to some color and then at some point I ended up getting my hair blown out. But it was through these processes that I was realizing that I was trying to come back home to the person that I was called to be. And so when you hear me say Kiana, talena, kiana is my first name, talena is my middle name, kiana meaning God's gracious gift, and Talena meaning a place where treasure is kept. So I'm realizing that I am uniquely made.

Speaker 1:

I'm realizing that all of these years, when I was trying to fit into a box of what people wanted me to be, there was this cry for help that I didn't realize that I needed to say that I needed help too, just as I was trying to help everyone else. Is this just for me, or is this resonating with you as well? So the beginning of that cry was me writing that book. Yes, it helped so many other people, but I needed to hear that for myself. So I wrote the first book 10 Steps to Breathe Life into your Redesign. I wrote the second book, which was Nightly Reminders, and then my third book I just recently released, which is a children's book, which is called Dear God, will you Be my Friend? And I'll get into that as I begin to peel back some of these layers to you all so that you understand how I've gotten to this place and how your healing process is going to look different. Each version of you is going to have a different healing that is going to take place for you to get to the next level.

Speaker 1:

So your healing never stops, because your journey never stops as long as you have breath in your body. You are going through a healing process. So you being authentic doesn't mean you never grow. It means you stop hiding who you already are, who you already are. And so sometimes you will hear people say you know, write your letter of who you need to apologize to. Can I share with you that the very first person you need to write the letter to is to yourself, because you have to apologize for you not showing up for you. I still have to talk to the little Kiana on the inside of me when I can feel her beginning to rev up. So you have to recognize in you that you have to apologize to you for not knowing there were some things that we just did out of habit. There were some patterns that we were just going through life. But when you know better, you do better. So, as we're going on this journey together, I need you to get real with you.

Speaker 1:

And so, apologizing for who you are, it doesn't always sound like I'm sorry. It sounds like shrinking in rooms where you should have stood tall. Shrinking in rooms where you should have stood tall. It looks like you dimming your own joy so that others feel, so that others don't feel uncomfortable. It could be you not posting that idea or that video because you were afraid of being judged, laughing at jokes that you didn't find fun, or saying yes when every part of your body was screaming no See, we do this because we've internalized the idea that our truth is inconvenient, that we're the only one who doesn't get a chance to say no.

Speaker 1:

Because if we say no, then what is? What are they going to think about me? Then maybe they won't want to hang around me anymore, maybe they won't want me to come, and but if I show up and do more and give more and be more, then then I'm going to fit in, and then, when you realize that you sit down, you are completely exhausted and burnt out. So I want to speak this over you today, that your voice doesn't need permission, your truth isn't too much and your presence is not up for negotiation. Y'all we are here, and when I say y'all because we are all going through this process together. None of us have arrived, and if anyone tells you anything different, they're lying to themselves. Just the note that you have to lie to yourself first before you can even lie to anyone else. So just think about that. Even when you are beginning to part your lips to say a lot, you got a lot of you first.

Speaker 1:

So I need you to choose your authenticity. I need you to figure out what it looks like to live unapologetically, out what it looks like to live unapologetically. And here are going to be your steps to kind of help you. The very first thing is you're going to have to know your values, and when you're clear on what matters to you, it's easier to say no without guilt and yes without regret. Number two practice your self-validation. Stop waiting for others to clap for you and affirm you. Affirm you first. Stand in the mirror and say to yourself I am not here to shrink to fit, I am not here to perform, I am here to be. This is going to be a big one. Take up space. Take up space, as much space as you need on purpose. You don't have to walk in the room to be anyone else except for you, but you do have to take up space. So that idea that you've been sitting on, share it, that part of yourself that you've been hiding, reveal it, that opinion you're scared to say speak it.

Speaker 1:

Number four let go of the outcome. You're not going to know how the story ends. Let it go. Just be in your moments. I like to say, be where your feet are, enjoy every moment. And not everyone will understand your becoming, and that's okay. Not everyone will understand when you say no, and that's okay. Not everyone will understand your purpose, because they were not there when God gave it to you, and that's okay, because authenticity isn't about pleasing the room, it's about honoring your soul. Yeah, I'm so excited that I pressed play today. I'm so excited that you get this opportunity to see the real, the raw version of how this channel is going to become.

Speaker 1:

Yes, you have so many people who will send this out to be edited and, just like my podcast, I do not edit, and the same thing will apply here. So you will see me trying to find the words. You may hear me stumble every now and then. You may hear a um and a uh every now and then, because in real life, you do not have the opportunity to edit. Yes, you can go forward and say what you may have wished, that you said, but to go back and to take something out and to add something in and to do no, we're not doing that Because, see, most of the time when you get into all of the nuances of why you're not telling your story, is because you feel like you don't have the right camera, you don't have the right audio, you don't have the right lighting, you don't have all of these grandiose things that so many others may have, and you can work up to that point, but until then, press play.

Speaker 1:

Work up to that point, but until then, press play. Just what I'm doing. I sat down on my couch, I set up this tripod, I have my laptop here with my notes and I'm here talking to you. So here's your homework, and I need you to get a journal because we do homework here, we don't just get and spend time with each other, and you listen to my voice and all of now, we're going to do work Because, in order for the true and authentic version of us to show up, there are going to be some things that we have to unlearn, there are going to be some mindset shifts that are going to have to take place, and there's going to have to be some work that needs to be done when this episode is finished.

Speaker 1:

So, the very first thing is I need you to, in your journal, write what parts of yourself have you been apologizing for? That's one. Number two what would it feel like to stop? Number three who would you be if you stopped asking for permission? We're no longer doing that. We're not asking for permission to show up to be who we were already called to be, and that person is absolutely amazing. Okay, got it.

Speaker 1:

So y'all, I'm excited. I'm excited that you get a chance to see this version of me. I'm excited that you get a chance to come along on this journey with me, and as episodes begin to, more and more episodes come out, you'll begin to see and hear how I got to this place and why this is so important for me. Yes, I'm beginning to tear up, because I decided to bet on me today, I had to get out of my head and say that enough is enough, that, yes, I was still hiding from me. So, yeah, thank you for showing up for you.

Speaker 1:

Thank you for being the best version of you today. Thank you for showing up even when you felt heavy. Thank you for showing up even when the tears fell. Thank you for showing up even when the tears fail. Thank you, and I need you to know that you don't owe anyone an explanation for being who you are. You owe yourself the chance to finally be so. This week, I challenge you to take up space, and that's one way, in one way that feels brave to you. Speak up, say no, wear the thing, launch the thing, share the story, and if your voice shakes, that's OK, use it anyway, because you, my love, you are the permission. All right, until next time. Bye.