The Hearts Hello

Beyond "It Is What It Is"

• Keona T. Ellerbe • Season 3 • Episode 6

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That seemingly innocent phrase—"it is what it is"—might be the most dangerous thing you say all day. Far from being a sign of mature acceptance, those five words often mark the moment we stop advocating for ourselves and start adjusting to what drains us.

Listen closely to what happens in your body when you say it: shoulders drop not in relief but surrender, breath shallows, tone flattens, eyes lower. Your nervous system literally checks out. We've normalized this phrase in our relationships, careers, health journeys, and self-perception, using it as an exit ramp from confronting difficult truths. But what if this verbal shrug isn't peaceful acceptance but the beginning of emotional detachment?

The real question isn't whether things are what they are—it's whether they should stay that way. Your weight, habits, mindset, voice—none of these are fixed realities unless you declare them to be. Next-level thinking requires growth and solution-finding, not settling for clichés. Try replacing "it is what it is" with something truer: "I haven't made peace with this yet" or "This isn't it, but I'm working on what is." These alternatives acknowledge both your current reality and your desire for something different.

This episode challenges you to track when you use this phrase, notice what you're really feeling, and practice saying one truer thing instead. Because reclaiming your life doesn't always start with a big move—sometimes it starts with telling yourself the truth. You're not stuck; you're working on it. And that distinction makes all the difference.

Speaker 1:

Let me ask you something. Would you say it is what it is? Is really just your way of accepting something you don't even want? Like, really, for real, sit with that. Is it peace or is it a quiet defeat? Is it maturity or is it fear dressed up as emotional intelligence?

Speaker 1:

Because, if we're being honest, a lot of us are living under a phrase we didn't mean to build a life around. We say it is what it is when we don't have the words, when we're tired of fighting, when the thing we're facing feels too layered to fix. But what if I told you that phrase is often the beginning of emotional detachment? Told you that phrase is often the beginning of emotional detachment the moment we stop advocating for ourselves and start adjusting to, honestly, what drains us. See, I need you to listen to what your body does when you say it. Like, think about it. The last time that you may have said it is what it is, your shoulders drop, not in relief, but in surrender. Your breath shallows, your tone goes flat, you might even lower your eyes. It's subtle, but your nervous system clocked out the moment you did. It is what it is. Doesn't feel like power, it feels like passive survival. And so somewhere along the way, we made this phrase normal. We use it in relationships we don't want to be in anymore. We use it at a job we outgrew years ago. We even say it about ourselves.

Speaker 1:

Sometimes people will say it is what it is about their weight, about their habits, about their mindset, about their voice. It can't be fixed and that you aren't willing to do the necessary steps in order to get to a place where you're not just agreeing with. It is what it is. See your weight. You can do something about your habits. You can change your mindset. You can begin to grow your voice. You can begin to use it. Set. You can begin to grow your voice. You can begin to use it.

Speaker 1:

And so the people that even say oh, I've just been this way since who knows when. Well, why? At what point do we begin to ask ourselves questions about the things that we begin to say out of our mouths? Because it should never be. You should never be okay with saying out of your mouth. It just is what it is.

Speaker 1:

When you have the ability to figure out how to fix it, there is always a way to fix it. But are you willing to put in the work to figure out what the solution may be. See, it's you accepting it and most of the time you just might be too worn down to challenge it. So here's what I want you to do next time it is what it is. It starts to rise up. I need you to do next time it is what it is, starts to rise up, I need you to pause, catch it, ask yourself what am I trying to move past without processing what part of me is asking to be felt, not dismissed? Is this really what I believe or just what I've gotten used to surviving?

Speaker 1:

See, this one sentence, this one reflex, can become a pattern of silence, and silence over time sounds like self-abandonment. So I need us to get to a place where we're not just saying cute little catchphrases, because if you are someone who has been listening to this podcast for over two years, then you know we are here to put in the work. We are doing things in order to get us to the next level, and next level thinking requires us to grow. Next level thinking requires us to do something different. Next level thinking requires us to figure out the solution and not just say little, understanding that there is life or death in the power of the tongue, and so the things that you say out of your mouth you are now in agreement with, even if it sounds cliche-ish and cute. So let's not just stop with the questions that we need to ask ourselves. Let's finish the sentence, because it is what it is until it isn't. But until it isn't what? Kiana I know that's what you're saying, I know, I know Until it isn't fair, until it isn't aligned, until it isn't love, until it isn't safe, until it isn't you.

Speaker 1:

Sometimes your spirit realizes before your mind does that isn't it, this isn't it. And when that awareness hits, that's not breakdown, that's not breakdown, that's your breakthrough knocking. So are you going to answer the knock or not? Because either you can be on one side of the door trying to figure out how to get to the other, when your body, your brain, your heart is telling you that I need something different. So instead of saying it is what it is, I need you to say this instead. I haven't made peace with it yet. This isn't sitting right and I'm still figuring out why this isn't it, but I'm working on what is. I'm not settled and that matters to me because, friend, language matters and the words you use can either close the door on your healing or keep space open for something different to enter. So maybe maybe you don't need to fix it all today. Maybe all you need is to stop pretending it is what it is, means you're okay.

Speaker 1:

Because reestablishing doesn't always start with a big move. Sometimes it starts with telling yourself the truth, that you want more, that you're tired of tolerating, that your body, your boundaries, your becoming deserves more respect than the phrase allows. More respect than the phrase allows. It is what it is until you notice what it's doing to you. And the moment you do, that's when everything changes, brick by brick, boundary by boundary, word by word. You're not stuck, you're working on it. You're working on where it is that you say that you want to go, because I know that words have power. I know that you are looking to be the best version of yourself. I know that you want something different for this season that you are entering.

Speaker 1:

I know that, although that's what you may be feeling, that's not what you mean. You thought I paused because I forgot. You thought that I wasn't going to give you homework. Did you think that I was going to end this episode and not give you work that you needed to do. You have lied to yourself because you knew it was coming. So here's my challenge for you this week, and it's going to come in three parts, right? So take some time to really write this down, because faith without works is dead. We are here to actually do the work, not just hear it.

Speaker 1:

So for the next three days, I need you to track every time you think or say it is what it is, oh well, whatever, or any version of emotional bypass, and I need you to make note of where were you? Who were you talking to? What were you really feeling in that moment? Why? Because awareness always comes before authority. The second part is each time you catch yourself about to shrug or dismiss, pause and finish this real sentence. It is what it is until blank, let it be real, messy, emotional it could be. It is what it is until I realize I deserve better. It is what it is until this feels like it's costing me too much. It is what it is until I stop betraying myself to be understood. See, this is where honesty begins to rewire the way that we speak and what we tolerate.

Speaker 1:

Third part Say one truer thing, choose one situation where you usually stay silent or say the safe thing, and then this week, say one truer thing Not to be dramatic, not to make a scene, but to show up as yourself. So this could sound like I'm not okay with that actually. So this could sound like I'm not okay with that actually. This isn't working for me anymore. I'm realizing I want more than this. Why? Because every time you say something truer, you take back ground that silence tried to steal. You got it. So if this stirred something in you, don't silence it. Send this episode to the version of you who needed this five years ago, or to the friend who's been living in the shrug zone. We're done with numbness. We're done with tolerating. We're done with default settings. You are not what is. And this is not the end. Until next time.