They Should Know Is Not a Process: The Key of Clarity

We say it all the time: “They should know.” They should know what hurts us. They should know what we need. They should know when they’ve crossed a boundary. They should know how to love us.

But…do they?

Audit season at work reminded me of something: just because something is obvious to the person who knows the process doesn’t mean it’s obvious to the person trying to understand it.

And maybe we do the same thing with ourselves.

In this episode of The Hearts Hello, we’re uncovering another key: clarity. We’re talking about the assumptions we make in relationships, friendships, families, and workplaces—and why being known requires our participation.

But before you can explain yourself to someone else, there’s an even deeper question:

How well do you understand you?

This week’s homework is a personal audit: How do I explain me?

Because clarity tells you what you need. Communication allows you to express it. Discernment shows you what someone does with that information. And boundaries help you decide what happens next.

Heartseekers, we’re building a key ring.

#TheHeartsHello #HumanCenteredCompliance #TheKeysSeries #KeyOfClarity #ClarityIsKey #KnowYourself #SelfAwareness #Communication #HealthyBoundaries #Relationships #PersonalGrowth #Heartseekers #EmotionalIntelligence #SelfDiscovery #HumanCompliance

Transcript

The Mind Reading Trap

SPEAKER_00 0:53

Hey. Alright, so have you ever been mad at somebody for not knowing something about you that you never actually told them? No, like genuinely irritated. Saying to yourself, they should know what I like, they should know what I don't like, they should know what I need, they should know that that hurt my feelings, they should know me better than that. Okay, but how? Like, how are they supposed to know? Because here's the question that I had to sit with this week. How well could you explain you to someone who has never been you? Not what you do, not your job title, not I'm a mother, I'm a friend, I'm a partner, I'm this, I'm that, nah. How do you work? See what makes you feel loved? What makes you pull away? What crosses the line for you? What does support actually look like to you? What do you need when you're overwhelmed? What makes you feel safe enough to open up? And here's a bigger question: Do you actually know the answers? Or have you been expecting everybody else to figure them out? Because I think sometimes we have people failing tests we never gave them the study guide for. And then we're frustrated when they get the wrong answers. Oh my gosh. See, and the wild part is something happening at work during audit season made me realize that I've seen this exact same thing professionally. So I'm in the middle of audit season at work, and if you've ever been through an audit, then you know audits will have you explaining things that you don't even think about anymore. Somebody will ask, Okay, so how do you do this? And you're sitting there thinking, how do I do it? Like, I just do it. Because you've done it so many times that you don't even necessarily think about every individual step. Like, I know where to go, I know what I'm looking for, I know where the information comes from, I know what happens next, I know

Audit Season Teaches A Lesson

SPEAKER_00 3:08

who owns what. It becomes automatic to you. But here's the problem: see, the auditor doesn't know what I know. They haven't been sitting in my seat, they don't know the conversations that happened six months ago, they don't know the history, they don't know why we do step three before step four. They only know what I can show them and what I can explain to them. And I can't look at an auditor and say, Well, you should know. Like, no. My job is to explain it as if the person sitting across from me never seen this process before. And that's when it hit me. We're still talking about keys, right? And I told you when we started this series that every key isn't necessarily going to look like a key. See, sometimes the key is a characteristic, sometimes it's a conversation, sometimes it's a decision, sometimes it's something you've learned through an experience, and sometimes the key is clarity. Because what if we took that same audit principle and applied it to our lives? What if the people around us don't know nearly as much about us as we think they do? So think about how often we say, my partner should know. My friends should know, my children should know, my co-workers should know. We've been working together for years. They should just know. Like we've been friends forever. She knows me. We've been together all this time. He knows me. He knows how I am. But does he? Does she? Do they? Or have you confused having access to us with actually understanding us? Because those are two very different things. See, someone can know you and still not know how you need to be loved. Someone can work beside you each and every day and still not know how you process information. Someone can be your friend for 20 years and still not know that something they say crossed the boundary. See, someone can love you deeply and still not understand what you need from them in a particular moment. And sometimes we make people audit us. We give them the small pieces of evidence and expect them to reconstruct the entire process. Well, I said this. They saw what happened the last time. They know what I have been through. I stopped talking, so they should have known I was upset. I thought they would have picked up on it. Maybe.

Access Does Not Mean Understanding

SPEAKER_00 5:48

Or maybe not. Because if we want people to know, sometimes we have to tell them. And I know somebody just said, but I shouldn't have to tell somebody everything. I know, I already know. And I know you moving your head and you tell, yeah, I know you. No, you shouldn't. And I want to make the distinction very clear that we're not talking about teaching grown people basic human decency. No, I'm not talking about that. We're not talking about explaining why disrespect is disrespectful. We're not talking about repeatedly explaining the same boundary to somebody who understands it perfectly well and they just simply choose not to honor it. See, that's different. I'm talking about the things that are specific to you. See, nobody can come into your life with your instruction manual. They don't automatically know what support looks like for you. They don't automatically know what makes you feel appreciated, or what causes you to shut down, or

Clarity Versus Basic Decency

SPEAKER_00 6:58

what you're sensitive about. See, they don't automatically know what you need when you're overwhelmed, or how you receive correction, or automatically know how you handle conflict. And for me, a really big one, if I'm telling on myself, your tone and how you talk to me is a clear indication of what you're going to get back from me. See, you gotta check how you talk to me. You have to check how you sound to me, because it you may not mean it in a certain way, but your tone can cause me to shut down. But if someone doesn't know that or you haven't explained, hey, I don't I don't care for when you talk like that to me, they don't know. Because that's where the conversation gets interesting. See, we spend a lot of time talking about how other people don't understand us, but how well do we understand ourselves? See, if somebody asks you what makes you feel supported, could you answer it? What does respect look like to you? What makes you feel loved? What causes you to shut down? How do you prefer someone to approach you when there's conflict? What do you need when you're disappointed? What does friendship mean to you? What does partnership mean to you? What are your non-negotiables? What makes you feel safe? What makes you feel seen? What makes you feel like somebody really knows you? Could you explain you? See, not who people think you are, not

Do You Know Your Needs

SPEAKER_00 8:43

your resume, not your accomplishments, not what do you do for everybody else? No, not the version of yourself that you've learned to present to the world. You. Because maybe one of the reasons you're struggling to explain to other people is that we've never sat still long enough to understand ourselves, and now we're expecting somebody else to interpret something we haven't even defined. See, that's an audit finding right there. Because think about it. How can I hold somebody accountable to a requirement I never established? How can I be angry because you crossed the boundary I never communicated? Now, once I've told you, that's different. Once I've said, hey, hey, hey, that doesn't work for me. Please don't speak to me like that. See, when this happens, I need this. This is something that's important to me. I don't like when you do that. Hey, that hurt me. See, once I've clearly communicated the boundary and you continue crossing it, see and now, we're no longer dealing with the lack of clarity. We're dealing with the lack of respect. And those require two completely different responses. See, that's why clarity is such an important key because clarity doesn't just help other people understand you. Clarity helps you understand what you're actually dealing with. See, is this person intentionally disregarding me? Or did they genuinely not know? Have I communicated the expectation, or have I been silently expecting them to figure it out? Did I say it? Or did I hint at it? Did I communicate it? Or did I change my energy, get quiet, pull back, and expect them to know why? Oh, yeah, that was my hand is raised all the way for that one. Because sometimes we're writing people up for violations against policies they've never received. I know it hit it hit different, right? But it's true, and I think our relationships would look very different if we learned to distinguish between they don't care about me and they don't know. They didn't know. Because those aren't always the same thing. But here's the other side of clarity that I don't want us to miss. See, this isn't only about correcting people. Tell people the good stuff too. Tell somebody, I really appreciate it when you do that. See, that made me feel seen. Or I love when you called just to check on me. Or when you did that, that meant more than you probably realized. Or I love spending time with you. I feel safe talking to you. That is one of the things that I love about you. See, why are we making people guess about that too? See, we assume people know they're appreciated, we assume our children know we're proud of them. We assume our friends know how important they are. We assume our partners know what they do

Clarity For Connection Too

SPEAKER_00 12:23

that makes us happy. We assume the people we love know we love them. But those first three letters in that word, assume, hmm, kind of makes you that when you don't share that clarity, peace with other people. See, we have to tell them. Because if clarity is the key, clarity isn't only for correction, clarity is also for connection. And maybe that's something that we tend to overlook. You know, we get really clear about something when something goes wrong. Oh, now we have words, or now we've got paragraphs, now we've got bullet points, now we remember dates, we've pulling out receipts. But what if we became just as intentional about communicating what is going right? What if somebody didn't have to lose you to understand what they meant to you? What if somebody didn't have to cross a boundary before learning where the boundary was? What if we stopped making the people in our lives collect evidence and build a case about who we are? What if we actually help them know us? And that requires vulnerability. Because explaining yourself means allowing yourself to be known. And I wonder if some of us are more comfortable being misunderstood than we realize. Because if I'm misunderstood, I can always say, well, they should have known. But if I clearly tell you what I need, now I've exposed something. I've told you what matters to me, I've told you what hurts, I've told you what makes me feel loved, I've told you what makes me feel safe. I told you where the line is. See, I've given you information about me, and that's vulnerable. But here's what I'm learning. Being known requires participation. So you cannot spend

Vulnerability And Being Known

SPEAKER_00 14:38

your entire life waiting for somebody to figure you out. And that just brings me right back to our key series. Because we've been talking about doors, we've been talking about locks, we've been talking about testing handles, we've been talking about discernment, we've been asking what key has been hidden inside this experience. And maybe sometimes the person standing on the other side of the door doesn't know how to open it. Maybe you've been waiting for them to have a key that you never gave them. Think about that. You've been standing behind the door saying, if they really knew me, they'd know how to get in. And if they're standing on the other side thinking, I don't know what she needs from me. I don't know what he wants me to do. I don't know what I'm supposed to say. I don't know how to reach them. And maybe the key isn't them figuring it out. Maybe the key is you saying, Here, this is how you reach me. This is what matters to me. This is what I need. This doesn't work for me. This makes me feel loved. This is something I'm still learning about myself. Here's the key. But there's something else we have to understand that giving someone the key does not guarantee that they're going to use it. And I think that's important because communication isn't manipulation. See, I don't communicate clearly so that I can force you to respond the way I want you to respond. See, I communicate clearly so that you have accurate information. And then I pay attention to what you do with it. Because I can communicate clearly, and somebody can still choose to not meet me there. But now I know something. There's a difference between someone not knowing how to access you and somebody having the key and repeatedly choosing not to use it. And that's where another one of our keys comes back into the conversation.

Giving The Key Is Not Control

SPEAKER_00 16:48

We talked about it, discernment. See how these keys work together? Clarity tells me what I need, communication allows me to express it, and discernment helps me pay attention to what you do with the information. And boundaries, they help me determine what I do next. See heart seekers, we're building a key ring. These aren't random conversations, these keys work together, and that's why this week's homework, you know it, isn't about everybody else. See, I don't want you leaving this episode thinking, yep, so-and-so really needs to communicate better. No, ma'am. No, sir. This week we're auditing ourselves, and I want you to sit with one question. How do I explain me? Now imagine someone genuinely wants to know you. They want to know how to love you, how to support you, how to work with you, how to communicate with you, how to be in a relationship with you. What would you tell them? Start here. I feel most supported when. I feel loved when. I feel respected when. When I'm overwhelmed, I tend to. When I'm hurt, I need. When we're in conflict, it helps when.

Homework Write Your Personal Manual

SPEAKER_00 18:23

Something people often misunderstand about me, is something that makes me feel appreciated, is something I wish people closest to me understood about me, is something I'm learning about myself right now is, and don't rush through it, because you might discover something interesting. You may start writing and realize, I don't know. And guess what? That's okay. Actually, that's information. Because maybe before you can explain you to somebody else, you need to meet you. Maybe there's a door inside of you that you've been standing in front of or waiting for somebody else to unlock. And the key has been in your hand the whole time. Self-awareness, clarity, language, the ability to say, This is me. This is what matters to me, this is where I'm growing. This is what I need. This is what I will no longer accept. This is what makes me light up. This is how you love me well. Not a list of demands, not as a set of rules somebody has to follow perfectly, but as an invitation. See, if you want to know me, let me help you know me. Because heart seekers, they should know is not a communication. That's not communication. They've been around me long enough. It's not clarity. If they loved me, they'd figure it out. Isn't always fair. Sometimes people genuinely don't know. So tell them. Tell them what you appreciate, tell them what hurt, tell them where the boundary is. Tell them what makes you smile. Tell them what makes you feel seen. Give the people who genuinely want to know you the opportunity to actually know you. And then pay attention to what they do with the key. Because clarity is key. But what somebody does once you hand it to them, that's the information. So before you ask why somebody doesn't understand you, ask yourself how well do I understand me? And then ask the harder question. Could I explain me to somebody who has never been me? That's it. Know yourself, name it, communicate it. And then watch what happens when you finally hand them the key. Alright. Till next time.