108. Attachment in Friendships: Why It Hurts So Bad to Be the Friend Who Always Reaches Out | Coaching Call with Cordelia (Part 4)

Why do adult friendships feel so much harder than they used to… and why does it still sting when you’re the one who keeps reaching out?

In this fourth live coaching session with Cordelia, we unpack the hidden attachment wound behind adult friendship struggles. We talk about the longing for a core group, the ache of feeling left out, and the subtle ways we dismiss our own strengths when connection doesn’t look the way we imagined it would. We explore how loneliness in adulthood can activate deeper beliefs like I’m not enough, and how those same beliefs show up in your job, your confidence, and your willingness to start over.

This conversation is about more than friendships. It’s about agency. It’s about choosing to go anyway. It’s about learning how to stop taking other people’s limitations personally and start building a life that aligns with who you actually are.

You might want to listen if:

• You crave a core group of friends but feel like you’re always the one making the effort
• You feel lonely even though you technically “have friends”
• You struggle with taking dismissal or rejection personally
• You’re afraid to start over at work because you secretly fear you’re not enough
• You want to feel more secure and agentic in your relationships instead of stuck or powerless
  
  

Want more of Cordelia’s story? Check out her other coaching sessions below.

• Part 1: https://www.buzzsprout.com/2253591/episodes/18288326 
• Part 2: https://www.buzzsprout.com/2253591/episodes/18457312 
• Part 3: https://www.buzzsprout.com/2253591/episodes/18576189 
• Part 4: https://www.buzzsprout.com/2253591/episodes/18729603 
• Part 5: 

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DISCLAIMER:  Speak Honest podcast content is informational, not professional or medical advice. Jenn is an ICF relationship coach, not a licensed therapist. Consult health professionals for specific concerns. Client opinions do not reflect Speak Honest’s stance. We aim for accuracy but are not liable for errors or outcomes from this information. 

Transcript

Welcome And Session Framing

SPEAKER_01 0:05

Hello, and welcome to Speak Honest. I am your host and certified relationship coach, Jennifer Noble. It has been my passion for over a decade to help women like you heal. What's been holding you back from having the relationship you deserve? Are you struggling with a relationship where you can't seem to voice your emotions, needs, and boundaries without having it blow up in your face? Then you have found the right podcast, my friend. Get ready for practical tips, empowering truths, and honest conversations. Now, let's dive in. Hello, ladies, and welcome back to another episode of Speak Honest. I'm Jen Noble, your go-to relationship coach and author of Dance of Attachment, and today we are stepping back into another live coaching session with Cordelia. Now, this is our fourth session together, which means you're not just hearing a snapshot of her life. You're hearing the progression in her healing, the layers and the rewiring happening in real time. And I love that you get to witness this because what you're going to hear today is not someone who is figuring it all out. You're going to hear someone catching herself, someone noticing where she dismisses her own strengths, someone realizing where she turns longing into logic so she doesn't have to feel the ache underneath it. We start with friendship, that deep desire for a core group, the text thread, the brunch crew, the women you can call when you're overwhelmed and you just need someone to sit across from you and say, hey, I got you. And we also talk about the heartbreak when it doesn't look like what you think it's going to look like. When you're the one extending the invite, when you're the one who keeps putting yourself out there, when you go to the concert alone and there's a group of girls next to you linking arms and laughing. What does that feel like? If you've ever felt that pang in your stomach of why don't I have that? Then this episode will hit for you. But we don't just stay in the pain. We explore what it's teaching her. We talk about agency, about choosing to go anyways, about the secure behavior doesn't mean you don't feel lonely. It means you feel it and you still show up for your life anyways. And when we pivot into work, into exhaustion and into the fear of starting over, into what happens when years of being dismissed create the subtle nervous system belief that I'm not enough. We unpack how that belief gets activated in job searching, in interviews, or in being ignored or overlooked. And we begin the process of helping her define what she actually wants instead of just reacting to what's available. And if you want support like this, if you want to unpack your own attachment wounds in real time, then I want to invite you to come and join us inside of the Speak Honest Academy. You can head to SpeakHonestacademy.com or you can go and scroll down and click on the link in the show notes. We have live group coaching calls every week, nervous system regulation work, and a community of women who are learning how to move from victim positioning into agency together. And as you're listening today, I want you to notice this. Where are you dismissing your own strengths? Where are you taking someone else's behavior and making it mean something about your worth? And where in your life are you being invited to choose anyways? Now, let's dive in. Hello, Cordelia. Welcome back. I'm so excited to have you. Now, we were chatting a little bit before we got started about some things that was going on with your life, and we thought, oh my God, let's like get this going now so we can share what's happening with everyone else. But we were talking about friendships, weren't we? Like girly friendships, besties, all of that, your superpower and being able to make friends and all these things, but also kind of the heartbreak or the hurt of not having it how it used to be. So talk me through a little bit more about your desire for these friendship groups and all this stuff.

SPEAKER_00 4:04

Okay, yes, there is a logical what you see on TV is not reality. However, to a degree, there is. Like, okay, yes, you're not gonna always meet your bestie every Sunday morning for coffee and brunch and all of that stuff. Like, that's not a normal thing in reality. However, they're always there for each other. And you know, whether it's three or four of them, there's always that connection, and they've been through thick and thin together over the years, whether it's relationships and families and all of these things. And I feel like for me, I've at times might have had a friend sort of like that, but people grow, people change, and you don't always maintain those friendships. And I've always wanted that core group that you know, you send up the message to the group, and it's like, hey guys, they're the three company Mrs. Roper party this Saturday afternoon where we all get to dress up like Mrs. Roper. Like, tell me that's not utterly hilarious, and let's just go be silly because it's a free event. You just gotta dress up like this is roper. I'm like, I just I think it's hilarious. So I extend into one person, and she was able to get a bunch of people to want to go. I find very often I extend an invite, and most of the time people have other plans or they don't want to go, or lots of things. And I reconnected with an old friend recently. She was in town, and we're talking about friends. And she said, back when we knew each other, which was gosh, at least 15 plus years ago that we had met, she was even back then, you were really good at like making friends. And part of me dismissed it, I guess, when I said, Well, I had to, I'd be alone. And I didn't realize it was a dismissive statement. I guess part of it is as people move on, and sometimes you're not part of that moving on. I looked at it as okay, I'm alone. Well, what do I want to do about that? So I would join groups, or I would go to different kinds of events and see if I could meet people. And sometimes you do, sometimes you don't. Sometimes you only talk to these people at the events, which is fine. It can be entertaining even for those moments, but I still long for connectivity.

Choosing To Go Anyway

SPEAKER_01 6:33

Yeah. Something you said in there earlier, and we that's what kind of what we were talking about before, which was, well, I had to do this because otherwise I'd be alone. And I wanted to challenge that thought process for us because there's so many things that other people could be doing to not be alone, and that's not one of them. So in fact, this idea that you have still consistently put yourself out there, even though you've had consistent rejection, is a really great sign of something you're really good at. And instead of us dismissing it as saying, like, well, I have to, otherwise I'd be alone, feel that feeling of that, saying, like, well, I'd have to, like, oh, you're a really good cook. You know, someone says, Oh my God, you're like a really good cook. And you're like, well, I had to, otherwise I'll go hungry. Like, no, no, you can actually go dig stuff out of the trash. You can go beg for food somewhere else. You didn't have to learn how to cook. And so by taking that skill and actually dismissing it, like you said, it can actually put a hamper on our nervous system. So I wanted to really bring that up as both to you so we could talk about it, and also a learning lesson for anyone listening to really say, if you have this skill, this superpower, this kind of great thing, be like, oh, wait a second, let me not dismiss that. Let me not actually put that down. Let me be like, yeah, fuck yeah, I'm good at this. Yeah, let's do this. And that is something you're good at. And you're right. You have this passion for friendship groups, and you could see where all that is. And you could see how you want the crew and the girlies, and you want to go out and you want to have the fun times. You're very playful, you're very fun, you like to go do fun events. That's not everybody. A lot of people love staying home. A lot of people love just being by themselves. A lot of people like to just go read a book. So, what does this teach us about you? What does this tell us about Cordelia? Um, tell us, hey, this is important to you, right? That's what we look at. Instead of dismissing it, let's look at it and really go towards it and say, okay, this is what I want. Great. So let's get you there. Yes. How's that landing as I say that?

SPEAKER_00 8:25

I never really realized that I would finish the statement with such a dismissive statement. And I think I did it as of I don't know if I want to say justification or a defensive mechanism, maybe because the logic was if I don't do this, I'm gonna be alone. But you're right. Why do you finish that statement with that statement? Yeah. It kind of is like a yin and yang, and you're kind of countering it out.

SPEAKER_01 8:56

Yeah, I was gonna ask, like, do you think it's difficult to accept that that's a skill that you have? Is it hard to receive that compliment?

From Pain To Agency

SPEAKER_00 9:04

That's a great point. And I think maybe it is. Only the sense that I don't really have long-term friendships that I've known for a long time. Like, I am friends with somebody I kind of grew up with, and we text all the time random stuff, mostly cat videos or random conversations. We don't ever hang out. She is mostly an introvert, and occasionally we'll go for a walk. I've seen her once this year, I've seen her twice in like the last 10 years. It is what it is, and I don't dismiss it. She's probably the only one I know, but I accept that as it is of having known her for so long. I miss those friends that, like I said, you know, you might go for brunch with, or you might go to a this is rover party, or the ones that you just go have a coffee with and just I just need some support. I'm just feeling a little overwhelmed today.

Work Exhaustion And Being Overlooked

SPEAKER_01 10:05

That right there is exactly it. I was thinking the whole time as you're talking, I'm like, I wonder what your friendships bring to you. Right? That's how we can like look towards what we want and see, like, oh, I wonder what this is bringing. And the way you just said that, like someone to have coffee with, because you just need some support. Yep. And that's beautiful. Now, we talk in the program a lot about our needs, right? And support is 100% a need that we have. But what is that thing that we do talk about often in terms of how do we get our needs met from other people? What do we have to do first? I'm quizzing you. We have to meet our own needs. Yes, yes, yes. And that's how we build those friendships up more. So I wanted to really, really talk about this because the thing is, is I feel you deeply. In fact, just recently, this is what got me thinking about this. I went to a Taylor Tomlinson concert. Uh, it's not a concert, she's a comedian, right? Do you know Taylor Tomlinson at all? Anyone that knows her. I love the girl. She's great, she's hilarious. She's a comedian. She had like a late night show for a while. She's very funny. She talks about mental health and religious trauma shit that she went through. So I feel her deeply. And I went to go see her. I got these tickets, so excited. Wanted to take my bestie. My best friend was gonna surprise her, all of this stuff. Reached out to her, but it's like, gonna surprise her. And she's like, Oh, I already have plans. My brain started wrapping itself around did I not tell her fast enough? Is she making this up? Does she just not want to go with this? This is literally my best friend. Like, this is like my person. And I'm still questioning myself as a perfect, like what I'm trying to say is like someone I consider myself very secure. The point here is like these feelings happen all the time. And then what happened? I was like, okay, fine, I'll just go ask another girlfriend. She was busy. And so I asked another girlfriend. She couldn't do it. I asked another girlfriend who didn't even know who she was, and she's like, hey, could I let you know later? And I was like, no, I kind of want to know now. So I said no to that one. I ended up taking my husband. Great, wonderful. So glad I have someone I can go with. I'm very happy. Except I get there to this event, and in front of me is a group of women giggling and laughing and drinking and hiding drinks in their purses. You know that feeling, and like taking the wine boxes out and like sipping it and having some vodka in our water bottle, and they're cracking me up. And I felt pain. I did. Because I missed that. And I wanted a big girly group to go do a big girly thing. Having your girls with you is so important. But here's the difference, and this is what I really wanted to talk about. In that moment, in the past, I would have let it affect me. And to the effect of let it get me down. I would have made it mean something bad about me. I don't have any friends. I'm not good enough. I'm never gonna have friends. Why can't I keep friends like that? All of this stuff. And instead, I was like, oh my God, this is teaching me what I want. I have been doing so much towards my book and my business and my podcast and my family. I've actually kind of been neglecting my friends a little bit. Now, this isn't necessarily what you're doing, Cordelia, but I'm just kind of showcasing how we can use these painful feelings to point us in the direction of what's important to us. It was in that moment that I realized I miss my friends. And I hadn't been putting the investment into them or myself to kind of get that going. So I sat down in that moment, like afterwards and did my little, you know, nightly meditation and my somatic suggestion that I do. And I was like, okay, what's going on inside of me? What am I making this mean? And then I thought, okay, what am I gonna do? So in this moment, my goal now, because I actually am really busy, so I can't do it right now. My goal in October is to start reaching out to more people and create those friendship bonds again and see where this takes me. Now, I want us to stop down here in this moment and kind of ask you, what are you taking away from my story? Like what's resonating with you as I speak?

SPEAKER_00 13:45

Well, okay, you said there are days when literally no one is around and you can't help but feel like you're alone. You need to understand that that's not necessarily your fault. Yeah. That's the thing is to understand. And it's funny when you said that about watching the girls at the concert. That's exactly what happened to me when I went to Cindy Lauper last year. Yes. And I knew when I was going that I didn't know if anybody was coming with me. Like, we didn't pre-buy tickets, which was fine. I bought a ticket at the last minute, but I thought at least one of my cousins was gonna come with me. Originally, another one was gonna come. And at the last minute, no one wanted to go for whatever reason, which was fine. I'm like, well, and I had a moment of like, I don't know if I want to go now because nobody wants to go. But then part of me was I literally booked a flight here with that main intention. Is that really what I want to do? Like just stay home now and then miss out on this concert. I'm like, well, I guess go by myself, and that kind of an event I've never done by myself. Always felt weird. But exactly the same thing. All the girls beside me were all like linking arms and singing and dancing together, and I'm just standing there by myself. But I stood up, I sang along, I joined along with as much as I could, just taking in somebody who I loved since I was little. I didn't even understand half of what she was saying back then because I was so young, but she just had this energy that I loved and this playfulness.

Redefining Job Wants

SPEAKER_01 15:33

And I was like, these are my choices, enjoy it or don't enjoy it. Yeah, let's right there, because I want you to capitalize on this feeling with anything else in your life, because what you just did right there is ridiculously secure. Like that is that's that's it. That's the work. And and knowing that we have that choice of like, well, I can choose not to go. There's pros and cons to that. I can choose to go, there's pros and cons to that. And you made a choice. It's within that agency, right? That agentic positioning, as we say, right? It's within those choices that we actually live our fulfilled life because you get the choice. And you get to feel the sadness of not having your girls there. Yes. That's okay. Like that's part of it. So if we take this, I'm gonna transition it just slightly kind of back to what our topics are typically, which is about your work and stuff. If we take this feeling inside of you, this empowered feeling of knowing you have a choice, and we take it into other areas of your life, where else can you find your agency?

SPEAKER_00 16:35

Well, I'm sure you could take that into all aspects of your life. Your work, your family. But how about you specifically? Where can we take it for you? I guess when I look at this, like it's not your fault. There's nothing wrong with you. Those are really big statements. And I think what's happened when it comes to work environment is that I know it's not my fault. I know I've done nothing wrong. But when you get dismissed regularly or ignored, it just feels powerless and exhausting and hurtful. And I take it personally.

Academy Invitation And Reflection Prompts

SPEAKER_01 17:27

Yeah, and that's such a fair thing, and that's what we want to work on is the taking it personal. Because in those moments when somebody dismisses us or ignores us, we still have the ability to say, that's not about us, that's about them. And then we can make the choices of saying, well, if that's how they're going to treat me, then I'm going to say no more often, or I'm going to leave that environment. This goes back to friendships, relationships, jobs. If we are in a place with people that are not understanding our power, you know, like what we have to offer, why are we there? Why do we stay? And then why do we allow that to dictate what we're going to do moving forward? These people over here who ignored you and dismissed you, they're actively holding you back from going and getting another job because you're afraid that people over here in the future will act like them. Do you see the power that has on us?

SPEAKER_00 18:29

Yeah.

Live Coaching Starts

SPEAKER_01 18:29

And just like the power you had in going to the Cindy Lauper concert, which by the way, again, beautiful job. I totally feel that pain like in my stomach for you. Like, because I know what that feels like. But like in those moments of going there, anyways, and making that choice, that's power. You didn't let other people decide for you what you're doing. You went and had a good time. Yes. Could it have been better with people? Absolutely. And can we hold space for that? Yes, because you know what I believe that in having space for both feelings, the pain and the pleasure, right? Having both of those things. So can you go into a new job and still have dickheads that are dismissing you and ignoring you and crossing your boundaries? Yeah, honestly, that's probably gonna happen for the rest of your life in a job because that's what managers and bosses are like. But what's preventing us from just saying, no, I'm not gonna let this in? That's what I want to get us to. Somewhere there's a disconnect between over here with your ability. You got such a secure way about yourself with friend groups, truly. So many other people in your situation would stop putting themselves out there, would stop, you know, engaging with people, would stop going to networking events. There is an active weight holding you down for your job that I don't see in your social life. And that makes me excited for you because it means we're not just in like a big massive depression and everything sucks. Like you see like the light in you in so many places. And that's what I want us to pull out so we can take that power, whatever that feeling is, that somatic feeling inside of your body. And how do we get you to feel that when you're job searching? All right. How is this landing with you right now? Anything coming up for you?

SPEAKER_00 20:15

I feel like it's kind of mixed here. Part of it is how I describe this. I mean, you know, I come from parents of the generation that you get a job, you stay there forever, whatever, or you just when that ends, you go find something else right away, kind of thing. But you don't really you ignore all of that stuff, even if it bugs you. You just do the job, just go to work. And there's a part of me, I think, that has always had a little bit of fear, like fear starting over. Yes, there's a logical I need a new job, but it's like you know, you almost get comfortable in where you're at. It's familiar, it becomes easy in a way. The idea starting over between the process of finding the job and then learning the job, it can be a little scary.

SPEAKER_01 21:12

Yeah, it is scary. Let's dig into that a little bit. That fear of starting over. Tell me what's scary about it.

SPEAKER_00 21:20

A few things. The world now is a little bit better, but there was a time when I was, you know, in my career, like 25 plus years, whatever, that if you were going through different jobs every two, three years, that you're not a reliable employee. So there was always that stigma and judgment would come from that when you weren't in jobs for very long. Now I feel people are much more open to that. You're just like, I was just looking for a new opportunity to utilize my skills. And people are much more open to that, which is good. So it makes that sense a little less oh good intimidating to deal with.

SPEAKER_01 21:57

That's actually beautiful. What you did right there, just for like a quick learning. Lesson was you immediately equilibrated. Beautiful job. You brought up the fear. You like, it came up and you brought it up. You're like, well, you know, I would be perceived as unreliable. I would be judged for not being in jobs for a very long time. And also that's changing now. It's not as scary to me. Right there, you just rewired something. Beautiful job. That was beautiful equilibration. That was equilibration in the moment naturally. And you did it without me even having to ask you to reframe anything. So ooh, great job.

SPEAKER_00 22:25

It shows what you're teaching me.

SPEAKER_01 22:28

It shows what I'm getting out of the program, though, right? Yeah, look at that. Like it came so naturally. Good. Give me more fears. I want to hear them all. I want to hear even the tiniest things. It's like, it's just too hard. I don't want to do it. Right. I don't care. Like I want to hear all of it.

Validating The Friendship Skill

SPEAKER_00 22:41

Oh, it is hard. It is, it is hard. It's exhausting. It's draining. Yeah. I spent quite a bit of time this morning actually, not officially job hunting, but I was on LinkedIn and I was looking at all of these things, these recruiters, these how to find jobs, all these tidbits. So I put a whole bunch of screenshots. And I want to print them off. Even though I know I have them in my phone, I just sometimes would like the paint the visual sometimes helps a little bit more. And it was like, here, here's how to use Chat GPT for this. Here's an AI prompt for this. This is what they're actually asking for when they say, you know, why do you want this job? Like they don't want you to say I was born and raised. And I'm like, well, no, I wouldn't say that. But I did challenge one recruiter, and I'm interested to see her response. She said something about how she was. I know it's an AI resume when you say, Hi, so-and-so, I saw your posting on XYZ. I'm qualified for the job because of my current job at blah, blah, blah. And I wrote her a comment and I said, Well, in all fairness, what makes that AI? Because as far as I've ever been told in job hunting, that's exactly what you're supposed to say. So I'm intrigued to hear why she thinks that's automatically an AI-generated resume. Yeah. That is tailoring your resume to what you want. You're greeting the person, you're telling them you want this specific job that they're posting and what skills you have. Yeah. So if you're gonna throw away my resume and you think it's AI generated when it's not, that's I I want to understand that further because in my job hunting, I don't want to be dismissed because they assume that it's an AI resume when it's actually me putting in the work to explain why I want this job.

SPEAKER_01 24:33

And this makes a lot of sense. And one of the things you said about one of your fears of starting over was exhaustion. And I think this makes a lot of sense because if you are going around and trying to find all of this information and you're going here's the thing. Here's one way we can absolutely fight this exhaustion is let's be mindful of where we're putting our energy towards. Who is this woman? What is she even like trying to sell or trying to do or trying to it's out there right now, there's 20 different ways for like, let's say for me example, there's 20 different ways for me to run a podcast. And if I'm online or I'm on Instagram or TikTok or something like that, it's gonna say something like, This way of podcasting is dead. Don't do it this way anymore. And then someone else would be like, This is the only way that you could podcast, right? And then someone else is gonna say, Oh, you have to do the tried and true method of podcasting. They're all wrong and they're all right at the same time, right? So this woman, regardless of who she is, she does or doesn't know what she's talking about. She's just trying to be relevant out there online. I get it. I do the same thing. But my point here is, is for you, you are so passionate about wanting to contact her, to comment to her, to challenge her. What does that teach you about you? That I'm spicy? I mean, yes, you are spicy, but yes. That teaches you that you don't agree with her.

SPEAKER_00 25:52

Yeah. Good. And I wanted to comment because I want to hear her logic. It's not gonna stop me. I'm not gonna be like, okay, well, that's it. Now what do I do? I'm intrigued. Yes. Okay, I'll take it whether I agree with it or not. But like and you're right, she's not the end-all and only person out there.

Meeting Your Own Need For Support

SPEAKER_01 26:12

And I know you know that, but what's helpful in our exhaustion of this like fear of starting over, right? So I want us to come back to what our process was looking at. What are the fears of starting over? That's one of the big fears that you have. And one of those was exhaustion. Well, one of those exhaustions is sometimes just feeling like you're pulled in 20 different directions. And one of the things that I really want to work on with us is staying on a clear path. And listen, ADHD brain, right? We got this. But like this is this is our, this is our battle to fight all the time. And so when we're out there and we see something online and it goes against what we believe, what I want you to visualize inside of yourself is thinking, oh my God, thank you for showing me that this is passionate to me. And so write your resumes the way you want to write your resumes. Don't listen to whatever it is that someone else is saying unless they say something that feels right to you. Even anything I say, all the time I tell you guys, make sure you go get it from other sources. I'm just human doing my best to understand, you know, all the shit that's thrown at me, condense it into something, and like be able to give it out to people. But I do things wrong all the time. And I don't even necessarily, even the advice or the help or the coaching I give you, listen or don't listen to it. I am not the expert of your life. You are. So if I say something and you have resistance to it, follow that resistance. The same with her and the same. And the reason I say this is because I think this will help our exhaustion. I think if we can start seeing of like, oh, wait, hold on, I'm getting pulled in different directions again. Let me ground myself to come towards what is my goal. So, with that said, what is your goal this week? Last week's goal was we were like haystacking your job search, right? We were going like swipe left, swipe right, swipe left, swipe right really quick. Yes. I think you also wanted to understand why and what you wanted, right? What it what to put your energy towards.

SPEAKER_00 28:09

Yes. And I'm actually glad you brought that up again because I kind of forgot that we talked about it, but at the same time, it's funny. At the same time, I sort of had that conversation with people at the event I was at on Saturday. Great. Tell me about it. So it's actually interesting. I think we'll have these conversations, and you know, I might make the odd note, and sometimes it sticks with me. It's like, okay, Jen and I physically discuss this. And sometimes I think what it is is that you just planted the seed in my head. So then I was talking to some people, and I often say it's hard to explain what I'm looking for because I don't even a hundred percent know. But then some people I was talking to on a weekend, there is no formal verbiage for it, but made up some phrases, kind of like a mix of like a project manager and a coordinator and the sales coordinator, kind of a an amalgamation of all of those things, is what we came up with. And I realize there's no official title, so it's just finding things that integrate those things because I like helping with the customers, I like being the developing those relationships and helping and helping to talk them through things sometimes, but I don't want to be the salesperson, I don't want to do the cold calls, beautiful, and I like following up on old leads. Like I've done very well at a couple of jobs where it was okay, maybe we should and I said it. Let's follow up on some old leads and see where that happens. And it generated business. I get a kick out of that. Great. And I think that's kind of what I want. And part of the reason I want remote is so I can continue to work on my health and give me some time to pursue other things, like some volunteer opportunities and put my energy other places other than just the job.

The Concert Story And Reframing

SPEAKER_01 30:06

Look at that. Look at how you figured that out. Look at what you want. You want to work in customer service, but you don't want to do sales. And you want to do more ways of talking to people and integrating the way that you are. See, look, you what is your superpower? We just started this conversation with that. Your superpower is talking to people and bringing them in. So, like, it makes total look at this. Is what your skills are. This is why it's so good to get to know who we are, to know our needs, to know our identity, to know our values, to know our wants, our desires, our boundaries. Because when you figure that part out, now I want you to have this like written down somewhere. Like, I would love for one of your pieces of homework this week is to have a list so you can look at it every night before you. Because I want us, I you know, I don't like the word manifesting. I don't agree with it in the way like people talk about it. It's not like magic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But what the science behind this concept of manifestation or prayer or energy or whatever it is that people talk about, right? It's your reticular activating system. So if we want to get into like really good science, that's what it is. So we're gonna reticulate it. That's not a right word, but we're gonna make it up today. What we're gonna do is focus on it. It's the red car thing again, right? I'm gonna give you a hundred dollars for every red car that you see this week. And it's that. I want you to write this down. Uh, you say, I want to work with people. So let's let's do a quick list as we're wrapping up here. Well, what does this list look like to you? Do you have like a piece of paper or a note in your hand right now? Yeah. Great. Yep. I want to work with people. I'm gonna just say some stuff out for you. Tell me what feels like in your body if it resonates or not. Like I want to work with people. Do you want to work on a computer inputting like data, or do you want to work with people? Which one is that for you?

SPEAKER_00 31:51

Great question. My sales coordinator jobs that I've always loved, or whatever. It was a bit of both. Like sometimes I could go visit customers, and sometimes I did stuff on the computer or phone. I like okay, you know, actually that's great. As I talk out loud, I like the diversity. I don't mind going to visit customers, I don't mind being the middleman. There were times I used to offer, okay, let me go drop off the sample to the customer so then I can get to know them a little bit more face to face and start that relationship a little bit further.

SPEAKER_01 32:23

So are you typically like a customer service rep of some sort? Is that like what your job is?

SPEAKER_00 32:27

Well, no, like a sales coordinator. So I work with the customers because like the sales will maybe generate the interest, and I'm either helping answer questions or helping them like they're working on a project and they might need alternatives. So I'll help them find that or find like I was in flooring, and some people would be like, Okay, well, this is what I want. I'm sorry, you're looking at 12 to 14 weeks, it's gotta come from Europe. Okay, I can't wait that long. So I would go into the books and I would find something similar that could be more local. I enjoyed helping them find that thing, or if they needed accessories to match. Okay, let me check my warehouse first. Maybe I have something. Or, you know, okay, according to the book, this is the number. Let me check the system to see what we could do to help find you. I don't have the exact one, but I have an alternative. What do you think about this?

SPEAKER_01 33:22

Okay, beautiful. And it sounds sounds like you're working with people then in this regard.

SPEAKER_00 33:26

Yes. Okay. Yes. And so then what would happen was I would turn around and go to my sales or bathroom, go heads up, we have this conversation. This is what we're doing instead. Blah, blah, blah. So then that's one last thing for them to deal with while they're out there working in the business. I handled some of that internal stuff.

SPEAKER_01 33:43

This is great. This is great. Maybe we can even look at this more next week. We can do some questions. I have an idea in my head of sending you some journal prompts that maybe I want you to work on this week. Some questions that just say, like, what kind of impact do you want to have? Where do you see yourself in five years? What challenges? What are you naturally good at? Right. Just like those normal, stupid shit questions, but you know that they're beneficial. Like those kind of same kind of questions that I ask you guys in the program when we talk about our needs, like, what are you spending your money on? What do you think about all the time? I want us to get clear because if I am asking you this question right now, do you want to work with people or not? And we just spent five minutes on the answer, we're not there yet. And that's the challenge that I want us to get to is I want you to know yourself so well that you're essentially marketing yourself to not only others, but to yourself. You know what it is that you want. It's like, yes, I want to work with people in a condensed category. And also I want to be able to create spreadsheets or whatever it is that you do, right? Because I don't know what you do necessarily.

SPEAKER_00 34:42

Yes. And I guess the reason I went on my little tangent, also, though, was in my head, I heard it as do you want to work with people? In my head, I heard it as like face-to-face all the time. And so I think I wanted to clarify that. So that's kind of why I went on my little tangent. Beautiful is that yes, I want to work with people, but in you're right, that's the word condensed.

Agency As A Practice

SPEAKER_01 35:04

Yeah, almost like we're gonna elevator pitch all your wants. Okay, right? Because if we can elevator pitch your desires in your mind and have them written out somewhere, then what we're gonna do is start attracting, right, that particular activating system. We're gonna start attracting those things towards you because you're gonna start focusing on those things. So if I ask a question, anyone, right? You're in any interview and someone asks a question, it's like, oh, you know, how well do you work with people? You wanna have that quick elevator pitch thing. And the way we get there, it's not just something I'm like, we can't just create it for you. Like I can't, I could write you a script and you could memorize it, but that's not hitting you in your soul. That's not hitting you in your somatics. I want you to know yourself so well that I could ask any question and you turn it right back around to the exact thing that you want. That's the goal here. So I could say, hey, do you want to work with people? And you'd be like, oh, I love working with people. I want to be able to do it on the phone, and I'm gonna be able to still spend some time of my day getting my paperwork done. Bam. The more we know ourselves, the more we attract what we want. Because if we don't know what we want, then we're just waiting for someone else out there to kind of throw it at us. And then what where does it get us? And this goes back to the start of our conversation. The pain in my chest of not having my girlfriends with me on that day, it teaches me what I want now. So it teaches me what I'm gonna go out there. So someone says, What kind of friendships do you want? I don't know. I just like, you know, I want like the friendships I see on TV. No, what does that mean? Oh, I want to have a group of friends that I can call on so we can go to Cindy Lopper, right? Whatever it is. Okay, great. Let me start building my life towards that process to get us there. That's how we take back the control of our lives. That is the way we go into, we we move out of victim positioning, which is like, you know, things happen to me. And we move into agentic positioning, which is I make things happen. Instead of things happen to me, I make things happen. So this week, I'm going to send you a Google Doc with some questions. And I want you to look them over, plant some seeds, see if you can fill them out, kind of like how we do in the program. Fill it out, share it with me if you want to, so I can take a look. And then anything you don't get through, maybe next week we just go through some of those questions together and we start really formulating who are you? What do you want? And how does it make you feel? All right, how's that sound? I like that actually.

SPEAKER_00 37:33

That's kind of exciting. And I love that in your program that you're using Google Sheets versus, oh, just email this back to me when you're done or whatever. Because of the interaction it allows.

Taking Agency Into Work

SPEAKER_01 37:46

Yeah, that's one of my favorite things. I'm glad you see that. Thank you. Thank you so much. I stole it from another group I was in. She did it. And I was like, this is brilliant. It is brilliant, but that's why we learned. It is brilliant. Because then you can go back and forth. Every time you like add a question or you add to it, and you can like leave a comment for me or tag me, I get to come in and immediately see where you're at. And that's the best part. So yeah. All right. So your goals for next week is to go over the journal, start planting some seeds, see how much you can get done with it. Even if you just pick one question a day and just journal about it every night for 10 or 15 minutes, this is your homework. And then what I want to know is are you sitting down to do this at night and your whole body shuts down? Are you resisting it? Do you know what I mean? Like I want to know all the stuff going on in your body. But if I had my way with you, if I could have whatever it is I could have you do, whatever it is I say, I would want you to go down the list of questions, so be in different categories, and then pick one a day at nighttime or first thing in the morning, whenever you like to journal, spend 10 or 15 minutes with yourself just writing about it, whether it be written word, talking it out, typing it out, whatever it is. I want you to spend time with it, thinking about it properly. And that's all. That's all I want you to do because one tiny question a day is enough to get us to someplace in the next seven days when I see you next week. All right. Okay. Perfect. All right. I will send you those in a little bit. Otherwise, do you have any questions or anything else you want to go over before we wrap up?

SPEAKER_00 39:18

I realize in like five minutes we can't solve this. It's an ongoing thing. I'm fully aware of it. I just want to touch it briefly one more time. Those who dismiss you and ignore you and are making you feel crappy and taking it personally. I really want to work on that. Because I think that is also a huge thing of what drove me to my nervous breakdown. Was it had been ongoing for years, and then it it was a bit of a roller coaster ride. There were some times it was good, it was fine, but then it just felt like a pin cushion. And they kept sticking more and more and more pins at me. And I was just like, oh my god, like it's not my fault. It is not my job for XYZ. And I would just start to spiral. It did. It made me feel like I'm not enough.

Fear Of Starting Over

Rewiring Through Equilibration

SPEAKER_01 40:10

Well, that's your wound. That's what we want to work on. Right there. It's the orange bush. I'll do that quickly. Yeah. Right. Someone can't tell you something you don't already believe about yourself. That's just the facts. That's just the truth. That's just the science of it. And so this belief of saying right there, I love how you pulled it out yourself. Because I was like, oh, what are you making it mean? And you said what I'm making it mean is I'm not enough. That would be where we would start. We would do a somatic repetition around, I am enough. And we would do it for 21 days. And we would do it through the system that we do. And that will absolutely start to help you ease up when somebody says, you didn't do something, you'd be like, oh, I'm I'm good actually. I know I did enough. Because in my mind, I know I did because I know myself. I know who I am. And I don't believe that about myself. Because if you're in an environment and people keep calling you an orange bush, you would just think they're weird. Right? You would just be like, what are you talking about? I'm not. What if they like literally, you know, just kept calling you a different name or, you know, just like saying something about you know in your heart of hearts it's just not you, and you're like just constantly trying to correct them. You're like, no, no, no, my name's Cordelia. Thanks. You know, like they're like, okay, yeah, thanks, Carrie. And you're like, no, no, my name's Cordelia. Does it like get to you after a while? And you're like, I don't feel seen here. This is ridiculous. Sure. But in those moments of when you leave that job because they can't get your name right, you would know in your heart of hearts it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with their inability to learn a freaking name. And it's the same thing. They don't see you for who you are because we don't see ourselves for who we are. As soon as we do, as soon as we figure that shit out, oh, everything changes. So let's keep working through that. I'll be sure to pick that back up again next week with the I'm not enough, or we can even go through it a little bit in homework help because we are starting our next cohort soon. So maybe this cohort, we start some somatic repetition with you. That would be fun. That'd be lovely, actually. Maybe we could try it. That would be really good. We haven't done it really yet too much, right? We've been easing our toes in, so that's really good. All right, beautiful. All right, well, that's us for today. Thank you so much, Cordelia, and I will speak with you next week, okay? That sounds amazing. Looking forward. Take care. Bye. If you listened closely, what you just heard was not just a conversation about friendships or job hunting. You heard attachment in motion. You heard what it sounds like when someone catches their own dismissal. When someone realizes, oh, I'm making this mean that I'm not enough. You heard the shift from this keeps happening to me, into, wait a second, where is my agency in this? And that, ladies, is the work. Cordelia felt the sting of being left out, and she felt the exhaustion of starting over. I get that. The feeling of frustration of being dismissed over and over again. But listen, none of that makes her weak. None of that makes her inherently insecure. It just makes her human. The secure move was not that she didn't feel lonely at the concert. The secure move was that she went anyways. The secure move was that she started defining what she actually wants in a job instead of just scrambling to avoid rejection. The secure move is catching the belief of I'm not enough and being willing to work on it. And that's what I want you to take with you. Secure attachment is not the absence of pain, it is the presence of agency. So as you move through your week, I want you to notice a few things. Where are you dismissing a strength because it feels safer to minimize yourself? Where are you taking someone else's limitations and internalizing them as proof that you are not? Enough. And where in your life are you being invited to choose, anyways, even if you wish someone else was choosing you first? Now, if this episode resonated with you, if you heard yourself in Cordelia, this is exactly the kind of work we do inside of the Speak Honest Academy. We don't just talk about attachment theory, we practice it. We regulate your nervous system in real time and we unpack the beliefs underneath the behaviors. We move from victim positioning into agency together. And you can head to speakonestacademy.com or you can click on the link in the show notes if you want to join us. We have live group coaching twice a week. We practice our regulation techniques together. We do somatic affirmation work and we do this all together in a room full of women who are done making other people's behavior mean something about their worth. Because listen, you don't have to do this alone anymore. I want to help you through this. And if you want to try out the Speak Honest Academy just to see what it is at first, then I want to honor that. Go ahead and use the code SECURESTART, all one word, when you're checking out. And I want you to try out the Speak Honest Academy so you can see what you can actually do in the short amount of time you have with us. All right, ladies, I will speak with you all next week. Take care. As we wrap up today's conversation, always remember that healing is a journey, not a destination. And it is an honor to be a part of your healing journey. If you want to dig deeper into the topics we covered today, be sure to head over to our show notes where you can find all of the valuable information mentioned in today's episode right there. And please remember to rate, review, and subscribe if you enjoyed today's podcast. Your feedback means the world to us and helps others discover our podcast. Until next time, remember to speak up and speak honest.