#21 Gentle Nudge: Respect People's Feelings

Today we have a new "Gentle Nudge" mini-episode, where we take a deep dive into each chapter, breaking down each tip into actionable examples so that we can each practice being our best selves in new ways. In this episode of 'Be the Sun, Not the Salt,' co-hosts Dr. Harry Cohen and Connie Fontaine explore the vital importance of respecting others and their feelings. From the famous Maya Angelou quote about the lasting impact of how we make others feel, through personal anecdotes and practical advice, they emphasize the significant influence our behavior has on both personal and professional relationships. The discussion includes insights on managing negative emotions, the efficacy of simple gestures like smiling, and strategies for delivering constructive feedback without diminishing others. We can all practice self-awareness and intentional respect to uplift those around us!

Please be sure to share and subscribe if you found this useful on your journey to heliotropic living!

Links & Resources

Be the Sun, Not the Salt - book

To explore the book, or for more episodes, information, tips and tools to live a more heliotropic life, visit us at bethesunnotthesalt.com and find us on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and TikTok.

Transcript

Gentle Nudge: Respect People’s Feelings

​[00:00:00] 

Dr. Harry Cohen: Welcome to the be the sun, not the salt podcast. I'm Dr. Harry Cohen author be the sun, not the salt. And I'm here with my co host Connie Fontaine for another special episode where we dig into the work of being our best selves through the tips and tricks that we get to practice every single day.

Connie Fontaine: It's the fun work that we get to do for ourselves and for others for sure. Yet today is going to be fun because this is a big one. This is a lofty one. I think this is chapter three, respect others, respect people's feelings. first question is why does it matter? 

Dr. Harry Cohen: It's the kit and the caboodle. There's a little quote that we put in this chapter. It's the famous Maya Angelou quote. I've learned that people will forget what you said. People will forget what you did. But people will never forget how you made them feel. I [00:01:00] literally wrote this chapter, a client told me one of the most helpful things that I suggested was to think about the way he makes people feel when they leave his office.

And I'm in that office as we speak. You ask me, why is it so important? Because that's it, how we show up in the world influences other people's feelings about themselves, feelings about us, feelings about the world. We really do. Infect and affect other people. So how we make people feel is really important, personally, professionally, and every other way 

Connie Fontaine: And especially because toxic being the salt for somebody. Has huge impact not just on that person, but everyone around them, too.

Dr. Harry Cohen: That's on the negative side. The salt side is huge. When we make people feel bad, they don't forget it, and it's five times worse than when we make them feel great. So what's [00:02:00] better? Making 'em feel great or not making 'em feel bad. Both

Connie Fontaine: Mm 

Dr. Harry Cohen: to what I love is you can go either direction, you can really focus on not making people feel bad, excellent.

Or you can focus on making people feel great.

And there's so many ways that we can do that

Connie Fontaine: Yeah, we were in a conversation with somebody so but usually most days I'm really good with my team But every once in a while, like I just blow I just can't help it What do you say to that person? 

Dr. Harry Cohen: They can't, they shouldn't. It's not okay. You can't hit your kids. You can't lose your temper. It's really important for you to remember that. Don't give yourself permission to be nasty, rude, disrespectful, or unkind for whatever reason. I'm really tired. I'm sorry I bit your head off. Oh, that's great that you said I'm sorry for biting my head off, but don't bite my head off.

And if you think that [00:03:00] everybody bites people's heads off from time to time, you're wrong. No, they don't.

Connie Fontaine: And if you think just because you're usually a good leader, if you could just do that once in a while, it's not going to make an impact. That's not true.

Dr. Harry Cohen: It's totally not true. And as I said before, when we are this way, it does sting and it's. Worse than you think.

Connie Fontaine: What would you say to somebody that said I've learned through years of therapy or years of experience that I can only control how I feel, my actions, and how I feel. I can't control other people.

Dr. Harry Cohen: Ah! It's technically true, but not helpful or wise. Because you, if you aspire to make people feel uplifted, and you aspire to not make people feel depleted, you will influence how they feel.

Connie Fontaine: And I think. [00:04:00] At least in my experience, when I make someone feel good, even though I really didn't feel like making that effort, I always feel better. I walk out of the room feeling better too. And so I think that's the other thing to remember is respecting other people's feelings is good for everyone around them.

And the person that's actually being really conscious about it and intentional.

Dr. Harry Cohen: There's no downside. None. And back to simplicity's sake, you're doing one of two things. You're either making somebody feel good, or you're making somebody feel bad. Which one is it?

Connie Fontaine: And if you notice it, what do you do? How do you turn that around? If you can tell you're making someone feel something uncomfortable, angry, can you turn that around in the moment?

Dr. Harry Cohen: In the moment, you can begin to turn it around. But it depends on how far you've gone down the road of making somebody feel bad. You can't just, hey, I'm sorry, and expect them to just recover immediately. If you've been, okay, let's say, You spend five minutes losing your cool about something with someone, and you notice, oh, I went way further than I [00:05:00] should have.

They're feeling really bad, and you go, Oh, I'm sorry. they need time to recover from your Beating.

you do your best to say, Wait a minute. I was just inadvertently and unintentionally and unconsciously making somebody feel bad. So do something about It.

Connie Fontaine: I think of respect and one of the elements of the chapter is this real simple idea about smiling at a stranger and see what happens. I'm going to talk about a smile.

Dr. Harry Cohen: So the cool part about that little idea we put these little quotes in every chapter, smile at a stranger and see what happens is both so easy to do and so empirical in terms of what it does for the other person. It's easy And therefore, we can do it. Now, I just read something recently that was brilliant.

It was, smile at a stranger long enough to see the color of their eyes. Now, [00:06:00] I thought that was just a, cool challenge. To literally, deliberately, make somebody feel good 

Connie Fontaine: I think when you mentioned that I could immediately, I felt, Ooh, maybe I'd be uncomfortable doing that. And yet I know when I feel best is when I actually have that acknowledgement because I know I'm rushing sometimes when I'm doing it. And I think that to tie a smile and respect together is really important because you think about someone homeless, somebody who's in a job that's in a great deep service to you making that effort shows respect, shows that you respect them.

Thank you.

Dr. Harry Cohen: I love how powerful it is. When you see that it has that effect, it evokes a smile in return nine times out of ten. What's that about? How does a perfect stranger. Smile back at you. Because you smiled at them. It's fun.

Connie Fontaine: Yeah. you do a lot of executive coaching and one of the things that I think there's a misnomer people feel like you can't give feedback or hold [00:07:00] people accountable and still make them feel okay. What do you tell people about giving feedback and making sure their feelings are respected

Dr. Harry Cohen: It's effortful, purposeful, deliberate, and it takes conscious intention to do what you're suggesting. It's not as simple as you just tell them and they know that your motive is okay. No, you gotta work at it and practice your own, ways of speaking to someone in a way that holds them accountable and still lets them know that wasn't cool.

What they did. I use word tracks, but word tracks aren't the secret. They're just a handle that I use. Listen, buddy, I want the best for and from you. You got to know that the reason I'm telling you this is so that I get the best from you. And that's what we're after. So I'm not trying to make you feel bad, although you might, I really don't want you to feel bad.

I want you to get the point I'm trying to make. So [00:08:00] I like that as an artful practice forever, which is we can all get better at that.

Connie Fontaine: and making people feel bad isn't good in any situation, whether it's professional, like you were just talking about personal, taking that minute to think about how that person's going to feel when you walk away, I think is the key that you're pointing us all towards.

Dr. Harry Cohen: And when you finish the conversation and you're looking at their face, You can see if you have any doubt. Are you doing okay? I know this might've been hard for you, but I want to know how you're doing, what are you thinking? So you can ask to see how it landed.

Connie Fontaine: That's an important point. Don't just assume it did. Okay. Cause not everyone gives you the facial feedback. Like I do everything wears on my face and not everybody does. And especially as people are trying to ingest something they're comfortable with or they're unhappy with or maybe they didn't hear it and they're afraid to ask you to say it again.

I think that question you just said would solve all of those. It would get to the [00:09:00] situation that you could have with any of those different concerns. That's great. Anything else you want to cover around respect people's feelings?

Dr. Harry Cohen: Try and keep it simple for yourself as you do this, we go through life and if you think about it, you're going to be more self aware and you can only be self aware. By seeing how you are with others. So others are the vehicle for you to see how am I doing with this? And I think this right up until we all go is great work.

All of us can get better at this idea of uplifting others and not depleting others. So I guess I'm repeating myself, but that's all I got. 

Connie Fontaine: Yeah, I think even if we're generally good human beings, we can all be a little bit better every day, especially in those hardest situations. thanks [00:10:00] for picking this one apart for us. This respect people's feelings is an important basis of everything we talk about.

We love a lot of our guests play into this and how they do their role best and why there's such mentions in this area for us. we hope this was helpful to you. We would love to hear from you. If you've got a nugget for us that you got out of today's session, but also please follow us, share this content if you think that it'll be helpful for others and we'll look forward to joining you again soon.

Thanks for listening.