#29 Gentle Nudge: Assume Positive Intent

In this episode of the 'Be the Sun, Not the Salt' podcast, hosts Dr. Harry Cohen and Connie Fontaine delve into Chapter 8, 'Assume Positive Intent,' from Harry's book. We discuss the profound impact of interpreting others' actions positively rather than jumping to negative conclusions. Through personal anecdotes and practical examples, we’ll explore how shifting one's perspective can improve overall life experience and interpersonal relationships. Try practicing this mindset to foster a more positive and empathetic daily life. 

Don't forget to share and subscribe for more insights on heliotropic living!

Links & Resources

Be the Sun, Not the Salt - book

To explore the book, or for more episodes, information, tips and tools to live a more heliotropic life, visit us at bethesunnotthesalt.com and find us on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and TikTok.

Transcript

Harry Cohen: Welcome to be the sun, not the salt, I'm Dr. Harry Cohen joined by my cohost. Connie Fontaine, our chief super spreader. And we're going to get into more of the chapters.

Connie Fontaine: I'm not a doctor for sure. But I, what I love doing is exactly what we are doing. And that's super spreading these big ideas. These mini episodes have been, I mean, you see it, you hear it in our voice. We laugh. We talk about it. It's, it's these delightful nudgy reminders for us and for everyone, um, to work at being our best self a little bit more every day.

And chapter eight, assume positive intent has been my, if I have a game changer of all the 30 chapters, this has been my game changer chapter. Um, I wish I would have known it. Um, I guess we always know this stuff. I wish I would have understood the power of it in my work, my young work world and not made assumptions about what [00:01:00] people were doing and why they were doing it and behind my back.

And there was always, there was always something that was stirring up drama and it didn't need to be. So let's talk about assume positive intent, one of the more popular chapters.

Harry Cohen: I love what you said. It was stirring up drama and it didn't need to be the, it is us. Okay. We, this is the beauty of this material. It is always us. It comes back to us this morning for this podcast, this recording. I was on at nine o'clock and for three minutes, I was assuming negative intent. How come, how come Connie's late?

How come? Oh, wait, I looked in the, the, the, I had the time wrong. And it was. It was such a beautiful example. Why didn't I immediately cut you some slack? I would like to cut you the same slack. I want you to cut me. I'm late plenty of times. And it was such a beautiful reminder. My point is that it's not knowing this.

It's practicing. This is doing this. I know this con, but [00:02:00] I wouldn't able, I wasn't took me 180 seconds. To get back to, oh, come 

Connie Fontaine: Well, and that we'll let you get to that one in this little foreshadowing for the chapter on pet peeves. That's Harry's number one pet peeve. Not him being late, but other people being late. So 

Harry Cohen: oh, oh, other people. other people, other people. 

Connie Fontaine: pointed out like what I said about drama, the drama was in, in within me, it was the ride home thinking about all those things.

They, they really meant this. They said, whatever. And I think what I've, what I've used, I'm a much calmer driver. I have always been a Detroit driver. I am. I probably still, I'm really good at it. I just don't get mad at it anymore. I used to, you know, get frustrated with people. It is. Now I, Always assume there's something wrong.

There's something wrong in their day, something wrong with a medical event, and it just completely changes the tone of my drive.

Harry Cohen: So that last point is the whole point. Please get the beauty of this. It changes your experience of life, not just of the drive of [00:03:00] everything. Like, oh my God, as soon as I shifted my own perspective about their intent. Let me assume positive intent. They just made a mistake or they don't know any better or there's or something else is going.

It changes my experience of life in that moment and it's available to me. I do have to practice it because I often assume negative intent and that's not good. I'm not proud of that, but I'll, I'll quickly cop an attitude that there are no good Nick. in some form or fashion, and it's just plain wrong. I can do this for the rest of my life. Assume positive 

Connie Fontaine: because you want to cut them the same slack that you want them to cut you. That's the way you say it in the book,

Harry Cohen: I do want to cut them the same slack when I, you know, oops, I cut somebody off on the highway. I sometimes will raise my hand like, oops, sorry, like they understand that this is oops, sorry, I didn't see them there. And, [00:04:00] and there, but for the grace of God, go I, anytime somebody behaves in a way I'm like, Oh, the practice is.

I wonder what that's about.

Connie Fontaine: right? I wonder what that's about. And I think that's the, my favorite little tidbit we've talked about is be curious, not judgmental. And that helps a lot because if you, if you literally say, I wonder what that's about instead of what an idiot definitely changes the way you look at it. And I don't, I'm trying to come up with an example.

I don't know if you have one where you, you really were glad you cut somebody some slack because. You were wrong. They weren't doing something you thought they were doing. I'm trying to come up with one that I've experienced because it does, it's almost like it smacks you in the face and says, Well, thank God I didn't react negatively.

Harry Cohen: Well, man, they're almost always rewardingly good because the reward is in the immediate feeling that I have, which is what am I getting all pissy about? Why, why am I doing that to [00:05:00] myself? And you know, we have a judgy reflex, we have a judgmental side of ourselves, which is unpleasant. It is pretty damn awful to live with this judgy mind of ours.

I'm putting, I'm saying ours because I can hear it. So you don't, I don't have to say 

Connie Fontaine: Yeah, I think about numerous instances as we've launched the podcast and as we're growing, we're getting this attention from people that have a lot of followers and, you know, people that we want to include on the podcast and it's quick to assume sometimes, oh, they haven't responded. Oh, they must not love us.

Oh, they don't want to. And I think we've found that that's not always the case. People are busy. People get caught up in life. And so I think those are, those are some of the things and it doesn't benefit you to just assume the worst and to take it personally.

Harry Cohen: It never benefits us to assume the worst. So again, the practice of this for me is to, how can I [00:06:00] assume some kind of good? And operate from that place and my, my encouragement is to welcome everybody with their stories of how working with this. This isn't just, Oh yeah, I know this. We all know it, but the working of it is the work and in the work in itself is the joy of, Ooh, I did it. I let the person merge in front of me. Let me try and articulate this. What value is it to not lose your cool in your car by yourself? Well, it doesn't affect anybody. Yes, it does. It affects you. And again, neurons that fire together, wire together. The more you do that, the more huffy and puffy you get, which is unpleasant to be around. So if you can practice all by yourself, assuming positive intent, your life is better and anybody who's around you whose life is better, even if you're alone in the car,

Connie Fontaine: Yeah. And if you, I mean, trust your gut, if something feels weird or unsafe or, but we're not saying that we're just saying, it's just, you know, be curious about that person that just [00:07:00] seems to be acting kind of, well, I, how about text me later? Let me know what, let me know where you assumed positive intent.

Well, actually already did. You knew I wasn't really late. You knew I 

Harry Cohen: Oh no, this morning I did it this morning with, with you literally took me, but I'm disappointed in a tongue in cheek, took me 180 seconds. How come I couldn't do it 

Connie Fontaine: Well, that's Thermite, but that's what we talk about all the time. We practice this every day. We talk about it. We, it's our work. It's what we do. And yet we still practice and work at it every 

Harry Cohen: Yeah. 

Connie Fontaine: Well, hopefully this nudges you, somebody today, that's listening to assume positive intent. Hopefully it helps maybe change your drive, change your day, the way you walk in the door and at the end of the day, let us know if this, if this was something that inspired you, please pass it along to others to inspire and follow us so that you get notified every time we drop a new episode.

Thanks for listening.