#31 Gentle Nudge: Don't Hang with Cilantro

In this episode of the 'Be the Sun, Not the Salt' podcast, hosts Dr. Harry Cohen and Connie Fontaine explore Chapter 10, 'Don't Hang with Cilantro,' from Harry's book. (Did you know cilantro tastes like soap to some people?) This chapter highlights the importance of being and surrounding oneself with good company. We’ll discuss maintaining healthy boundaries to protect ourselves from negative influences, and share practical advice on limiting contact with toxic individuals and finding common ground to improve difficult relationships. We’ll also go over the types of people we SHOULD surround ourselves with - the ones who are like the sun on our leaves. Tune in for some powerful reminders on how to live your best life.

Links & Resources

Be the Sun, Not the Salt - book

To explore the book, or for more episodes, information, tips and tools to live a more heliotropic life, visit us at bethesunnotthesalt.com and find us on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and TikTok.

Transcript

Harry Cohen: welcome to the, be the sun, not the salt podcast. I'm Dr. Harry Cohn author of be the sun, not the salt. I'm joined by my co host Connie Fontaine, all things be the sun, not the salt chief super spreader. We're going to get into the chapters today's. Chapter Connie, take 

Connie Fontaine: Yeah. So these mini episodes are a lot of fun for all of us. It's a good nudgey reminder for us every day. And we'll We've actually Harry's restarted this practice back in January, but picking up the book and using it as a tool that we intended it to be like, and you can pick up chapter 10 on the 10th of the month and just work your way through the book or pick it up randomly.

So we're excited to take you through chapter 10, which is don't hang with cilantro. Probably one of the chapters that make people smile when you're on a news broadcast, we've seen people pick it up. Dr. Cohen, like what does this mean? Let's talk about Don't Hang With [00:01:00] Cilantro.

Harry Cohen: So the beauty and simplicity of this simple idea is be good company and keep good company, which is the more profound point, which we'll get into then don't hang with cilantro, which means don't hang with bad company. Don't be around people who salt your roots, deplete you, make you feel bad. The metaphor is that there are some people. Amongst the population who have a genetic, they have a gene that makes cilantro taste like soap. So they can't and shouldn't eat food with cilantro. Don't eat it. Okay, the metaphor is certain people, whether they are relatives or people, trigger you so badly. and or make you feel so bad about yourself that you really shouldn't hang out with them even though they might be a family member. And so the idea [00:02:00] is to protect your roots, draw some healthy boundaries, To not allow people to make you feel horrible about yourself.

Connie Fontaine: And I think this is, I don't know if we've ever talked about this, but what sounds interesting to me is I wouldn't feed somebody Something with cilantro in it. If I know they have that gene so it can, you can extend that metaphor to say, why would you feed somebody? Why would you bring a guest or a loved one into a conversation that they don't want to be part of?

If it's a topic they don't want to be part of, you know, obviously we're in the political season. What? Why draw people in? If you know it's cilantro to them?

Harry Cohen: That's, that's being respectful and mindful and thoughtful and considerate. This notion that there is such a thing as good and bad company, I think is really profound because it's a

reminder for us, A, I want to be good company and B, [00:03:00] I don't want to be bad company. Cilantro, the way you're describing that, and I can, and it's very helpful for me when I am around some people trying to think of somebody right now, I can't in the moment where like, I got to get away from him or her now that I'm thinking about it, there is someone that they talk a lot now that for me is This particular person is cilantro for me. It's like, after a couple of minutes, it's like, Oh my God, this could be 10. And I know that I want to limit my contact. Now, this isn't a close person, but it's someone that I can run into. And I know that I'm going to limit my contact with him. A friend of mine articulated this great notion, paying attention. Which is to give your attention. You're paying this precious thing, your attention [00:04:00] to someone. Do you really want to be hanging with this person? And if the answer is, well, I need to, okay, then limit your time with this person, 

Connie Fontaine: What do you, what do you do? So if somebody says, well, this is a coworker, I have no choice. How do I, I mean, they're cilantro. They just walk in the room and I'm like, Oh, cringe.

Harry Cohen: great question. And it's a real, and it's sometimes a real problem. I'm not disputing it. You have to limit your time with. That doesn't mean, well, I can't, I work right next to her, you know, that we always go out to lunch and yeah, as best you can healthy boundary. When I say healthy boundary, it's like a door in a bathroom or a door in a bedroom. 

You can close it. Can I have

some privacy? Do you mind if I need some 

space? All of the ways

that we can say, no, I think I'm going to stay right here. You guys go to lunch by yourself, whatever it is. Hey, you want to come to the bar? These are the things you have to do to protect your roots. That's a

healthy. 

Connie Fontaine: I got some advice from somebody once at Ford. Um, so I'm very high up that. [00:05:00] It helped me in a situation where I was leading somebody that literally drove me crazy because this person was a male chauvinist. He was, um, he was so sarcastic and condescending to me and everyone around him. And the advice was when you have to work with somebody you don't like, find something about them.

One thing that you like about this person. And for me, as a leader, I needed to meet weekly with this person. And what I found was I loved the fact that he was a family man. I would start every conversation, every meeting with, how are the kids? What'd you guys do this weekend? And that changed the whole tone of the meeting because then he was in a good mood.

He was talking about something that mattered to him. I felt good because I was like, okay. I'm all right with this guy. We got through meetings and it changed the, it changed the trajectory of our relationship, but it also just made me feel better that I wasn't disliking somebody so intently. So I, that's one piece of advice that I got once that has worked.

[00:06:00] Wonders for me,

Harry Cohen: I love it. I love that you figured out how to get there and you started to feel better in the relationship, which is the point. And you yourself were being good company because I can imagine by the way you describe that, that you brought out the best in him that allowed you to feel better. You yourself were being good company. In that exchange. Good for 

Connie Fontaine: right? And as we talk about all those good things, we do make us feel better, make the person feel better. And quite frankly, it made an impact on the team because they saw that there is a relationship. There is a way to bring the best out of this person. You know, I think this, this brings me back to Tim's story too.

And I think that our podcast with him was so, first of all, he was such a warm, genuine guy. If people haven't listened to that one, I think they'd enjoy it, but he also had such great insights and you and I both love the metaphor about, or the analogy of that. [00:07:00] The, the corner man, the green room, those two, you know, so surround yourself with the people who do lift you up, the people who celebrate you and are willing to give you the hard truths as well.

Harry Cohen: That's the most important thing. Remember be good company. Keep good company.

Connie Fontaine: So there you go. So everybody hang with somebody really great for you today. Don't hang with cilantro. Eat cilantro. Don't hang with cilantro. If you liked this episode, please share it with somebody that you care about. Please follow us so that you get alerted when we drop something new. And thank you for listening.