#40 Gentle Nudge: Make Your Motive Clear & Clean

Ever had someone say one thing but mean something totally different? 🙃 In this episode of Be the Sun, Not the Salt, Dr. Harry Cohen and Connie Fontaine dive into Chapter 19: “Make Your Motive Clear and Clean”—a gentle nudge to check your intentions before you speak or act.

Key takeaways:

• 💡 Say what you mean, mean what you say—but don’t say it mean: The golden rule of clear communication.
• 🧹 Check your motives: Are you being passive-aggressive or trying to “win”? Time for a little self-reflection!
• 🧠 Trust your gut: Why we can often sense when someone’s motives aren’t pure—and how to avoid being that person.

Harry shares stories about catching himself before making sarcastic comments (we’ve all been there!) and explains why even well-intentioned words can land badly if we’re not careful. Connie highlights how being upfront and kind creates trust—and why beating around the bush can make people uneasy.

Perfect for anyone who wants to communicate with more honesty and kindness! Tune in for practical tips, relatable laughs, and a reminder to keep your motives as clean as your words. 🌟

(Mini-episode, major impact—great for your next coffee break!)

Links & Resources

Be the Sun, Not the Salt - book

To explore the book, or for more episodes, information, tips and tools to live a more heliotropic life, visit us at bethesunnotthesalt.com and find us on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and TikTok.

Transcript

 [00:00:00] 

Harry Cohen: welcome back to our series, gentle Nudges, where we dig into each chapter of the book, be the Sun, not the Salt, and Explore what it means more deeply. Today's chapter is chapter 19.

Make your Motive clear and clean.

Connie Fontaine: my favorite, call out in this chapter is the one, and I use this all the time, say what you mean and mean what you say, but don't say it mean, and that's the first part of being the, the mode of being clear and clean.

Harry Cohen: And the thing about make your motive clear and clean is you have to look inside to discover for

yourself. Why am I about to say or do whatever the thing is

and whether you can say it out loud. Hey, listen. I just want to make sure you understand what I was trying to say earlier

is a no, I wanna make sure you understand it.

It's [00:01:00] not, I think you didn't hear it right, so I'm gonna say it in a way that's not exactly what I mean, and that's the part that it takes a little bit of inner work I love. Doing it because oftentimes I'll not say something I'm about to say because it's, you know, my motive isn't clean. I do, I want to, I, I'm a little irritated and I want to say it in a way that makes 'em feel just a smidgen dad, uh, passive aggressively.

I don't do it a lot, but just enough to go, no, no, don't do that.

Connie Fontaine: Well, I think that's the, the part you and I were just talking about earlier today was, you know, this is about, the work is about me, us it is not about the other person. So the, if your motive has something to do with trying to make the other person feel a certain way, negatively, then that clearly isn't that a, a nice motive.

Harry Cohen: Yeah, it's an unclean motive, and that's all we mean by unclean is you're trying to, you know, give him a little [00:02:00] shot, a little sarcastic. Um, I was talking this morning and I read these chapters to remind myself this morning I'm meeting with an electrician who's been, you know, three months. Behind in a job and, and instead of saying nice of you to show up and do this work, just don't say anything.

Connie Fontaine: Yeah. Sometimes there is no nice way to say it. So just say hi.

Harry Cohen: Exactly.

Just say hi. I was talking with a dear friend and he said, sometimes we can tell when someone else's motive is impure

and there's a switch that goes on inside. Like, you know, you're saying one thing, but I don't feel like you're totally clean about it and that. Inner sensing that we

have is, I think everybody has it.

Connie Fontaine: Well, I think we do that around their podcast work when we're talking about different guests. We'd love to have on, I think we hold each other accountable now. Why do we want them on? Are they truly a heliotropic person or do we just want them on because they're famous? And I think that that's one of those [00:03:00] examples of, no, no, no, this is, this is important.

We're bringing important, um, words and. People in front of the world and we wanna make sure that our motives are, are pure and clean when we're doing that.

Harry Cohen: Exactly. Literally, I was talking about this particular guest and he said, well, why are you asking him to be on? And it, it had to be. No, because his, his work would help a ton of people, not because of his fame.

So I think that's exactly right. I also think that we can do a better job of listening when we think someone's motive is impure and check it.

Hey, can I just ask you, um, why you want me to do that?

Or are you saying that because of this and that way people can get it?

Connie Fontaine: Yep. I mean the, the, the [00:04:00] suspicion, I think one of the, you know, sometimes if I feel like I'm, I'm, I'm trying to save someone's feelings or I'm trying to beat around the bush a little because I'm trying to make it a nice way. And that just even people sensing that can make the rest of it not feel like a trustworthy, you know, interaction.

And I think that's been really important for me to understand.

Harry Cohen: Right on. I mean, the whole beating around the Bush business is, is like, why are you doing that? Well, I didn't, and don't just say, just say what you wanna say. That's back to what you said at the beginning. Say what you mean, mean what you say. And don't say it mean. It's simple enough for us to keep practicing that.

Connie Fontaine: Right. And I think there was a, there's a Gandhi quote that's in this, um, this chapter that's really important to remember because it says, the moment there's suspicion about a person's motives, everything he does becomes tainted. And you, you can see it sometimes in meetings, and I think about it from a work perspective.

Often the minute you start to kind of go, Hmm, what's that guy up to? Or What's that woman? Start, it can taint the rest of the meeting and you don't [00:05:00] wanna be that person. So again, the work is about me. I wanna make sure that when I'm in a group setting, that I'm always putting my best foot forward so that it doesn't taint any part of the discussion.

Harry Cohen: One more thing I want to add about this chapter specifically, and I didn't write it in the book, and that is if your intentions are pure and it doesn't, then it doesn't matter. It's not exactly true. I can have pure intention, but it can land in a way that makes somebody else feel bad, and I have to own that.

I have to, I can't say well. I didn't mean

for you to feel bad, and that wasn't my intention for, but if it does, you know, land poorly, I gotta say, I'm sorry.

Pure and 

Connie Fontaine: reminder. Yeah. What is, what chapter? Refer back to chapter: Apologize Well. 

Harry Cohen: Mm-hmm. 

Connie Fontaine: So hopefully today this is, inspired you to think about things a little bit differently. And if you like today's session, please like, share and subscribe and we'd love to see more of you here. Thank you.[00:06:00]