#46 Gentle Nudge: Remember Who You Are

Ever catch yourself feeling a little off your game? 🤔 In this episode of Be the Sun, Not the Salt, Dr. Harry Cohen and Connie Fontaine explore Chapter 24: “Remember Who You Are” - your gentle nudge to reconnect with your best self, live authentically, and shine a little brighter every day.

Why does remembering who you are matter?

• 🌟 Identity shapes action: As James Clear puts it in Atomic Habits, every action you take is a vote for the person you want to become. When you act in line with your core values, everything else flows.
• 🧘‍♂️ Be heliotropic: Showing up as your true, positive self not only uplifts you but everyone around you-a triple win for personal growth, mindfulness, and positive relationships.
• 💡 Small moments, big impact: From picking up litter to pausing before a snarky comment, the little choices you make each day reinforce who you are and who you want to be.

Harry and Connie get real about the challenge of consistency-why it’s easy to know what your best self would do, but not always easy to do it. They break down the “five-to-one rule” (how negative moments sting way more than positive ones), and share practical stories about patience, mindfulness, and the magic of even the smallest acts of kindness.

Your gentle nudge: Next time you’re in a tough spot, ask yourself: “What would my best, most heliotropic self do right now?” Then do that. It’s simple, powerful, and the secret to living a sunnier, more fulfilling life.

Perfect for anyone searching for inspiration on personal growth, living authentically, mindfulness, and how to be your best self-even on the tough days. Tune in for heartfelt stories, actionable wisdom, and your weekly reminder to remember who you are and shine bright! 🌞

(Mini-episode, maximum impact-perfect for your next coffee break, commute, or mindful moment!)

Reference Links

Be the Sun, Not the Salt book

James Clear’s book, Atomic Habits

To explore the book, or for more episodes, information, tips and tools to live a more heliotropic life, visit us at bethesunnotthesalt.com and find us on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and TikTok.

Transcript

Harry Cohen: [00:00:00] Welcome. My name is Dr. Harry Cohen and I am the author of Be the Sun, Not the Salt. And this is our Gentle Nudge series. I'm joined by my co host Connie Fontaine, chief super spreader.

Connie Fontaine: thanks. Harry is today back at it with a chapter 24, which I know is one of your favorites. Maybe your absolute favorite 24 is remember who you are.

Harry Cohen: The reason it's my favorite is that it covers everything. If we can, when we can remember, well who am I? Fill in the blank. And then act in accordance with who you are. Consistent with your values. Everything else flows to be heliotropic. Most people think of themselves as a good person. Well, what would a good person do?

[00:01:00] And then all of the behaviors that a good person does is what it means to be heliotropic. So all we got to do is remember, Oh, right. I am that.

Connie Fontaine: I think especially if you start out, whether you're in a situation or you wake up just feeling a little, maybe not yourself. That's when it's most important to start with a quick, Oh, got to check in with myself here. Remember who I am and I need to make today a good day.

Harry Cohen: And this, I read somewhere, I can't remember where, but our identity is extremely powerful in predicting what we do. And, James Clear talks about, James Clear who wrote Atomic Habits, he talks about every action is in the service of the person you want to become. So what we do literally is an expression of who we are.

So you can go either way. Both work. What you do reinforces who you are. Who you are and who you are reinforces what you do. [00:02:00] So you can't lose by remembering who am I. 

Connie Fontaine: Yeah. the bullet in the book says if you see yourself as a heliotropic person, then the rest is easy.

Harry Cohen: Yeah. 

Connie Fontaine: I mean, we've talked about it lately. Is it easy? It's easy to know. whether or not it's always easy to do, I think is the difference.

Harry Cohen: right. And part of this, the, the, paradox of easy is, and this is my most recent insight that a colleague shared, because this is so easy. It's easy to not do,

and that's the, the beauty of, oh my God, I could pick up that piece of litter or not. Okay, well, who are you? Are you a person who picks up litter sometimes , you know.

Connie Fontaine: Yeah. You can't just be a sometimes good person. when you're, when you are heliotropic and people know you as heliotropic, the minute you have a, Kind of a tough day. And we were talking yesterday about the five to one rule that I think is so interesting.

So does it really matter if you're [00:03:00] usually heliotropic and then you're a big jerk in front of a bunch of people?

Well, it does matter, and even being a little jerk in front of people, what I'm most amazed by, it's the little things that we do and don't do that are the opposite of how we want to be. That the opportunity for us to be less salty or more sunny is just constantly around us, Yeah. So go further into the five to one rule. So that is, that's basically, you can be a really good human. And then

Harry Cohen: Well, if you are your worst self in a moment, it's five times worse than being your best self. What I mean by that is the negative expressions of ourselves sting and last longer on others than the equal positive. Hey, nice job. [00:04:00] Hey, that was a terrible job. The hey, that was a terrible job is tougher on us, than hey, nice job.

Connie Fontaine: Tougher in, I like what you said, it lasts longer too. People tend to remember those stinging moments for sure. 

Harry Cohen: ever talked to somebody after a difficult performance review, most people will remember the bad stuff. They won't remember anything good.

in the difficult performance review. So that's just how we're wired. Knowing that is fine. Just if you remember who you are. Oh, that's right.

I'm a really good person trying to be an even better person. Then act in accordance with that. Period.

Connie Fontaine: Yep, ask yourself, you're going into that situation and you're thinking twice about it. Ask yourself, what would a heliotropic person do? What would I do at my very best?

Harry Cohen: Period. You ask that question, answer it, behave accordingly. You can't go wrong. And when we screw up, just do the next right thing.

Connie Fontaine: Which could be any one of things.

I think of being [00:05:00] at your very best and I think being at your very worst. actually we've experienced ourselves. when you're at your very worst, that immediacy of the amount of time it takes to apologize is important, but most important is at least get to that, do the next right thing.

Harry Cohen: Period.

Connie Fontaine: Harry, who are you when you're at your very best?

Harry Cohen: I'm a good person who's thoughtful and considerate and wants to uplift others.

Connie Fontaine: That's good. And do, is that something you work at every day? 

Harry Cohen: I do have to because I can get self absorbed, I can get unconscious of others, I can become unaware, and I have to be reminded internally and externally, oh that's right, let other people Get their food before I start digging in. Typical example of, wait a minute,I actually never learned it early in my training in my family.

When the food came, you started eating it. It wasn't until I was in corporate settings [00:06:00] and watching people. Wait a minute, what are they waiting for? But that's just, just another example of being mindful and considerate of others. Hold the door. don't interrupt. don't make. Snarky comments that you're thinking.

one of my insights is not saying stuff is as victorious as saying stuff. You know what I mean? Like not saying the negative thing that you're thinking, even though it's true.

So Connie, who are you when you are at your best?

Connie Fontaine: When I'm at my best, I take the time to smile, pause, ask questions, talk to everybody, whether it's in the grocery store line, whether it's the delivery guy, whether it's my waitress, and making sure that my interactions make somebody feel better than when they approached me.

Harry Cohen: Wonderful. I mean, isn't that beautiful? More of that.

Connie Fontaine: More of that. Feels, everybody feels good when that happens.

Harry Cohen: The cool part about [00:07:00] that is you feel good. The server feels good. And if I'm just sitting there watching it, I feel 

Connie Fontaine: around you. 

Harry Cohen: It's a triple win.

Connie Fontaine: I'll take that. Triple win.

and that's why we talk about this, these Gentle Nudge series are good for us too. I mean, these are the reminders for us, who are we, who do we want to be? We want to be our best version of ourself and it isn't always easy.

Harry Cohen: And I'm not done. I'm never going to be done. I met a fellow recently who he was talking about a guy who left the company that he was working with because he was a person who, yeah, I got nothing to learn. I'm 50. I'm, I am who I am. I'm not going to be any different.

Connie Fontaine: Mm hmm.

Harry Cohen: that's quite an identity.

I'm not going to be any different. Well then I guess you are.

Connie Fontaine: Yeah, I think about how much I have evolved in the last 10 years. I mean, I think for me, and I have these revelations around being my best self, and I share them pretty openly with you and with others. and I [00:08:00] realized that my impatience to get from A to Z often comes across as if I don't care, and yet learning to pause, even if in the inside, I am just aching to get moving, to at least body language, sit back. Take a deep breath and listen, and I've really had, I've continued to work at that and I know that it makes a difference in my relationships.

Harry Cohen: It's as simple and as hard as that example. Impatience. Who likes to be around somebody who's impatient? Nobody. So, knowing that impatience is a quality that is off putting and quite salty, we all can work on being more patient. Period.

Connie Fontaine: Always in a rush. I mean, I think we, as a young working mother, I think I was always in a rush to get from A to B. We always felt late. You know, they stay that can create anxiety in your children. And I think what it does is it creates this anxiety in ourselves as well, to [00:09:00] always feel like you're late.

Harry Cohen: That's right. And if you, if you are aware of it, you, you could, your kid might ask, Hey, mom, are you feeling anxious about getting to the place? And if you were in a moment of awareness, you'd go, actually, I am. Thank you for pointing that out because that's really your anxiety about being late is driving, you know, it's interwoven with your impatience and you know, you think you're going to be,

Connie Fontaine: For sure. 

Harry Cohen: all of it is yucky.

Connie Fontaine: All of it is yucky. So let's not be yucky today. let's all work towards being our best selves and who we are. and hopefully this Gentle Nudge series made you think a little bit more about who you want to be today, how you're going to show up in the world. If you enjoyed it, please share it. Hope you're subscribing and following and, and, listening along with the podcast. Thanks and have a great day.