#47 Gentle Nudge: Decide What Matters Most

What really matters—and what’s just noise? In this episode of Be the Sun, Not the Salt, Dr. Harry Cohen and Connie Fontaine invite you to hit pause and reflect with Chapter 25: “Decide What Matters Most.” If you’ve ever felt torn between speaking up or letting something go, this gentle nudge is for you.

What’s the Big Idea?

• Discover how to spot the difference between life’s real priorities and those little annoyances that try to steal your peace.
• Hear how Harry and Connie navigate tricky moments in family, work, and everyday life.
• Get inspired to build your own “green room” of trusted voices, so you can check your perspective before reacting.
• Walk away with a powerful question to ask yourself next time you’re caught in the moment (it might just change your day).

You won’t get a list of dos and don’ts here—just relatable stories, practical wisdom, and a few surprising insights that will have you examining what’s truly important. Whether you’re looking for tips on prioritization, self-reflection, or simply want to show up as your best self, this episode is packed with inspiration (and a little Victor Hugo for good measure).

Ready to focus on what matters most? Hit play and join us for a conversation that might just change the way you see your day.

(Mini-episode, maximum perspective—perfect for your next walk, coffee break, or moment of reflection!)

Reference Links:

Be the Sun, Not the Salt book

Tim Storey podcast episode: Miracle Mentality: Using Your Gifts

To explore the book, or for more episodes, information, tips and tools to live a more heliotropic life, visit us at bethesunnotthesalt.com and find us on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and TikTok.

Transcript

​[00:00:00] 

Harry Cohen: Welcome. My name is Dr. Harry Cohen. I'm the author of be the sun, not the salt. And we are continuing in our gentle nudge series. I'm joined by my cohost of our be the sun, not the salt podcast chief super spreader, Connie Fontaine.

Connie Fontaine: this is, chapter 25 Decide what matters most And today is a good one because there's so many good nuggets in this little chapter that we want to share 

Harry Cohen: So what nuggets stood out for you?

Connie Fontaine: So, you know what, Nugget, in reflecting back, and I think for listeners, this is really important, the practice of just, this is not a book you read and walk away from. You kind of look at it, you come back to it. So in preparing today, what was really important to remember is, yes, something could be really important, but sometimes in the moment, it's okay to walk away and address it later. So just take a beat. And I think that was a good one this morning for me to be reminded of.

Harry Cohen: Where did you have to walk away from?[00:01:00] 

Connie Fontaine: Um, no, it was a reminder that. I don't, sometimes it's like, well, I can't walk away from this. This is so important that I address this, with this person. And I probably this weekend I walked away a bunch of times and I was feeling mad that I was walking away cause it was important to me. But the fact is, oh wait, that was okay.

 I didn't address it in the moment. I addressed it later and it worked out better because of that.

Harry Cohen: Yeah, because I think you were remembering what matters and, and, you know, it's certainly easier with age. You know, those of us who have decades of life experience know don't make a mountain out of a molehill, learn to see it in its proper perspective. We do know what matters most, you know, and that is.

Man, oh man, helpful as hell and I'm still learning it through life experiences and remembering what matters most is true for our whole lives.

Connie Fontaine: Mm

Harry Cohen: I [00:02:00] hope I can keep remembering what matters in a given day because, you know, crumbs on the counter or, a cupboard left open,

Connie Fontaine: hmm. 

Harry Cohen: doesn't make, just close the cupboard.

Just wipe it down, just wipe down the counter. So, um, it's helpful. It's helpful for me.

Connie Fontaine: Yeah, I think the big stuff, you know, I think we've we talk a lot about, relationships and whether it's employees, whether it's friends, family, I think adult children can be sometimes the most challenging relationship because there's this this This newness of how you relate to each other.

And, uh, I find I often just in a stream of consciousness, we'll say something that I think is either helpful or I just think is kind of obvious that I would say as a mom. And the difference is it's not, it can be interpreted so differently, um, by them. And I, I think it's important because I'm the mom and I want them to live their best lives.

I think it's important to say it and it's, it's not important. to them [00:03:00] in the moment because they don't need that. They don't necessarily at least feel they need it.

Harry Cohen: This whole category of how to parent adult children

is a whole world that I'm not a grandparent. But if I were, I would imagine I would be challenged to discover, well, wait a minute. What to say, what not to say about my children's parenting. I don't have to, I don't, I don't get to do that yet. I hope I do one day, Connie.

I know you do, but I certainly have grown children. They're 33 and I have learned and I'm still learning. Wait a minute. Comment on what I think will make the most. Good here. And I have to remember that doesn't matter. Don't say anything.

Connie Fontaine: No, it is true. And it comes out sometimes it's so innocent and it's never a not never. It's likely to me that I'm thinking I'm being helpful. So again, in the relationship, I continue when I apologize because I do the next [00:04:00] right thing and apologize for inserting myself or saying something that wasn't fair. Um, and yet. I also ask for forgiveness and help to say, just remember this is, this is a new moment for me as a grandmother. I don't have the right to tell you just because, and I think that's helpful too. Um, and I think that for me, knowing that my relationship with my kids is, and my husband are the most important things to me, remembering that I want them to feel good and have their best day and their best self, I think is what drives me to continue to work towards that.

Harry Cohen: And that remembering that in terms of remembering what matters most is very clarifying. One of the things that I love about these chapters and this one in particular is that it's very focusing. Hold on a second. What matters? Oh, right. And I can answer that. And it's just a helpful nudge on my left shoulder saying, Hey buddy, Is this worth a discussion?

Maybe [00:05:00] not.

Should I talk about this, address this? Let me think. Yes.

Or, no, it's not necessary. I find it just helpful as hell.

Connie Fontaine: I think in the chapter you call it, um, being the person with the long fuse, And it's that, that ability to stop and do what you just did. Okay, how do I, how do I want this to come across? Does this matter? Does it matter, but maybe not in the moment? Does it not just have to be addressed later, maybe? at a time where things aren't as, you know, contentious, I think those little pieces of advice are the most important parts of this chapter is yes, know who you are, what matters most to you and who you want to be in the moment. but again, it, it's in the moment. This doesn't mean it's going away.

 you can ignore it if it doesn't matter most, but if it matters, you can take it on later

Harry Cohen: Yeah, and I like the question, and you're the only one, we are the only people who can answer that question. The answer is not for us to give to anyone. The answer is for us to ask ourselves and answer it. [00:06:00] That's okay. If you can't answer it, give some more time because you need to know. We need to know. I need 

Connie Fontaine: How do you go through that decision process,

Harry Cohen: I ask myself, I either keep it to myself, reflect on it, contemplate it, come up with the answer and act, or I'll talk it over with someone, an intimate, my wife, a dear friend, a colleague. Let me ask something. Should I, you think I should say something about this? It was a small thing, but um, let me get your bounce.

Here's what I think. What do you think? I like all of those strategies. My own contemplation. And asking a trusted colleague, what do you think?

And I don't mind reflecting on it.

Connie Fontaine: That, that's great advice because I, as you know, if you care a lot about what people think and what, it's not necessarily a good thing. I care often what people think of me, what people think in this situation. I can, you know, often just assume somebody is, is reacting in a way because [00:07:00] of what I think they, they mean. And when I ask you, you're very practical. No, I, I just don't think that's important. And

so, um, if you're, if you're not able to make that decision, I think it's a great idea to ask somebody that you trust.

Harry Cohen: Yeah. There's lots of examples of this where, you know, remember who's in your green room, remember who's in your corner, you know, remember to keep good company so that you have a group of people around you, your own personal board of directors, people, you can run it by and say, Hey, uh, am I making a mountain out of mole Hill here?

Uh, yeah, I think it's important, I think you should talk about it. Or, maybe not.

Connie Fontaine: Those, um, those references you just made, that was out of our Tim Story podcast. those couple of different lines stuck with me too. Who do you, who's in your corner, refers to like the boxing ring. who's that corner man who's not only gonna see things you don't see, sees you at your best and sees you at your worst, but is able to tell you and cheer you on, most importantly.

Harry Cohen: Let's keep doing it. [00:08:00] Um, 

Connie Fontaine: So if you're interested in that, you can learn more on the Tim Story podcast. We'll reference that in the show notes, Anything else on decide what matters most?

Harry Cohen: I think we can learn from when we get stupid. In other words, when we get caught up in thinking that something matters, when in fact it doesn't. I think that's helpful as hell. I think learning from So, when we make our mistakes is a good reminder, oh wait, that one doesn't matter, I'm not, I'm going to let that one go next time.

So, I don't mind the mistakes, they're sometimes painful, but, I think that's another helpful reminder to, to help us remember.

Connie Fontaine: Yep. What? Try not to do that again, especially with that person.

I'd say that's a good, good tip. in the chapter, there's a Victor Hugo quote that I thought sums all this up. It's change your opinions, keep your principles, change your leaves, keep intact your roots. Love [00:09:00] that. It's a good wrap up for this chapter. Just again, decide what matters most ask yourself over and over again. And if you need someone in your corner, um, to bounce it off of, I think that would be a great next step. So. good discussion, a good inspiration for all of us. Hopefully it inspired some additional thinking for you. Please pass this along, invite others to join you on this. Be the sun, not the salt journey. Thank you for listening.