#59 How Do I... Support My Partner During Difficult Times?

Ever wonder how to support your partner when life takes a tough turn? In this short “How Do I…” episode of Be the Sun, Not the Salt, Dr. Harry Cohen and Connie Fontaine get honest about the art of showing up for someone you love… especially when you’re both going through it.

Here’s what you’ll hear:

• Real-world approaches for recognizing what your partner needs (even when their style is way different from yours)
• The power of small gestures, from acts of service to words of praise, to lighten someone’s load
• How to stay flexible and thoughtful when your own stress is running high
• Creative ideas for supporting each other (without keeping score or stepping on toes)
• Simple reminders that sometimes the best help is just listening, pitching in, or finding tiny ways to make things easier

Whether you’re a natural fixer, a talker, or someone who prefers quiet support, this episode dives into the messy, meaningful work of strengthening relationships during tough times. It’s all about being intentional, learning your partner’s “love language,” and knowing that helping is sometimes as basic as making the bed or tackling a chore.

(This is a mini “How Do I…” episode, perfect for anyone looking to boost their partnership, practice emotional intelligence, and bring more kindness to their everyday life.) 

To explore the book, or for more episodes, information, tips and tools to live a more heliotropic life, visit us at bethesunnotthesalt.com and find us on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and TikTok.

Transcript

[00:00:00] 

Connie Fontaine: Welcome. My name is Harry Cohen and this is the Be the Sun, not the Salt podcast. I'm joined by my chief super spreader, Connie Fontaine, and this is in our series of How, how, how, how do I. We practice being heliotropic, being our best selves in different circumstances. And today, Connie, what's our topic today?

Today we're gonna talk about how do I support my partner through difficult times, and as you and I were preparing for it, we were talking about how do we support each other when we're both going through a difficult time as well. So let's dig into this, this topic around supporting our partner.

Harry Cohen: And so in the context of how, how, how. I have learned so many simple and easy ways to do this. It's not enough to know what to do. It's the doing that makes the difference. First and foremost, I have to feel empathy, which is different than [00:01:00] compassion, which is so do something about it. If I can feel her struggling suffering, having a difficult time. I've gotta understand it and feel it. That's number one. Number two, I gotta do something about it. And that can mean anything. Saying something, not saying something

Connie Fontaine: Mm-hmm.

Harry Cohen: or doing something. Is there anything you need for me to do for you today? Is there anything else?

Um, you know, the five love languages are very, very handy.

Connie Fontaine: Yeah.

Harry Cohen: of service, quality, time, physical touch, words of praise, and. Um, what's the fifth?

Connie Fontaine: Oh, we'll have to look that one up.

Harry Cohen: No, no, no. I know it. Um, gifts stuff. So I know for Jan, she loves acts of service. She likes me doing stuff for her. Words of praise are, are also good, but I gotta tell you, it's so easy to do and easy not to do.

So that's what.

Connie Fontaine: to ask the question, and I think having empathy is one thing, especially when you've been with [00:02:00] a partner for a long time, you know them very well. It doesn't mean you know what they need in the moment. And I think asking the question versus making an assumption of how you would wanna have, have them react to your difficult time.

Harry Cohen: Absolutely, and that that great suggestion is what is it? Is there anything that I can do for you and genuinely mean it? Now, if you do know. What would make them feel better during the difficult time? Do it. Or again, what I said about not saying stuff, I can't tell you how powerful it is to not say stuff.

And, and that's a way of being supportive, being there, you know, tone of voice, how you doing, checking in, letting her know in my case, that I am there for her. During the difficult time, and I'll tell you an insight that I had of recent, which is she ain't me, duh. So

Connie Fontaine: Right.

Harry Cohen: how she deals with difficulty is not the same as how I [00:03:00] do or would.

And understanding that, giving her space to deal with stuff her own way, accepting it is hugely important. I gotta tell you, you know, you know this 45 years of marriage teaches you a lot, but you don't need 45 years. You can learn and do this. Instantly.

Connie Fontaine: Right. And I think for me, sometimes, not saying anything is so hard because I wanna help, I wanna support and, and glen's quieter. So my husband, we've been married 35 years and he will be much more self-reflective for quite a bit of time, but letting him know that I'm there. And continuing to check in in a non-invasive way.

It took me a while to figure out how to do

Harry Cohen: Mm-hmm.

Connie Fontaine: But when it can become really challenging for me is when we're both going through either the same challenge or typical challenges at the same time. And I think that's where you have a, I have a tendency to maybe forget this isn't how he wants to be treated.

This is what I wanna do. I wanna talk about it. Let's reflect on it again and [00:04:00] again.

Harry Cohen: That that point is huge. He ain't you. And you gotta remember that. I've gotten very good. I'm very proud of this in a good way of supporting Jan when we. Go through difficult times together. 'cause I know I can do it. I've done it. I've been there for both of us. And man, oh man, it feels really good to know.

Uh oh. More is required of you. None of this. 50 50. I'm ready to give a hundred. I'll carry her if that's what

Connie Fontaine: for you is to step back and say, okay, I need to step it up right now, not worry about myself. Worry about her.

Harry Cohen: big time not, that one's not hard for me.

Connie Fontaine: it's not hard for you. That's good.

Harry Cohen: Yeah, I mean like, uh oh, this one requires a whole lot of, um, my extra effort and I'm good with that. 'cause I know I can do it. I know I'm capable of it and it feels a good, you know, like a, a sense of strength. But that's my job, that's my purpose, that's my role. It's my [00:05:00] mission if I'm a partner here and, and she's needing more help.

I am all in on being that helper, not, how come you're not helping me? I don't go there. Thank God I don't go there.

Connie Fontaine: I think for me to stay quiet, one of the opportunities is I do all the little things around that I know he would appreciate. Like, let's make sure the bed is made before he goes back upstairs. Let's make sure the dishwasher's clean up so he doesn't feel like that's on him, because he's such a giver when it comes to taking care of things around the house.

So trying to do all those things and remove a burden that I know exists in his mind. Um, and I think that's one of the ways I've learned to take care of it without talking.

Harry Cohen: I love what you said. The doing, doing the little things or not doing the little things is huge and the little things are, are completely dependent on your relationship with the person. Whatever little things they are, do them. I love that. You know today's chapter, remember who you are. I love being [00:06:00] a great spouse and I'm not done being a great spouse, and I've become a better spouse who I am.

I can show up in this world as a great spouse and man. Oh man, I have been a lousy spouse. We don't need to talk about that, but I can.

Connie Fontaine: It's not.

Harry Cohen: No, but I, I know, I know the difference.

Connie Fontaine: I know what you mean. Well, and I think as I reflect on everything we're talking about this, this relates to everyone in your life that you're close to, these same principles are, you know, as work partners, you and I find that opportunity to, to be there for each other.

Harry Cohen: Yeah.

Connie Fontaine: has to be quiet and sometimes it has to be talked about.

But

Harry Cohen: Yeah,

Connie Fontaine: learned over the period of time working together what the other one needs when they're, when they're struggling. So sometimes it's just the ability to be a little late

Harry Cohen: yeah.

Connie Fontaine: check out a little early, and we

Harry Cohen: Yeah.

Connie Fontaine: that. I'm more of a calendar manager. Um, so I, I get a little freakish if the calendar's starting to go awry.

So we, we take care of each other that way. I, so I think, think of this with your friends, your family, and especially your partner as you reflect on how to take care of [00:07:00] each other. Thanks for listening.