#66 How Do I... Teach My Children to Be Heliotropic?

Ever wonder how to help the children in your life grow into positive, compassionate, and resilient individuals… the kind of people who naturally bring light to those around them? In this “How Do I…” episode of Be the Sun, Not the Salt, Dr. Harry Cohen and Connie Fontaine dig into what it really takes to teach kids to be heliotropic.

Here’s what you’ll hear:

• Why modeling positivity and practicing it yourself is the foundation when raising children who radiate warmth and kindness
• Honest reflections on the messy journey of parenting, including moments we wish we could redo and how to keep improving no matter your kids’ ages
• The surprising ways everyday moments shape how children see themselves and others
• What it means to show up authentically as a parent—even when you don’t have all the answers
• How to navigate the tricky balance of encouragement, boundaries, and emotional honesty
• Insights about the “salt on the roots” metaphor and what it means for your unique family dynamics
• Why apologizing and cleaning up when you mess up is one of the best lessons you can pass on
• How little acts of recognition can have outsized impact on a child’s confidence and character

If you’re curious about raising kids who don’t just survive but thrive with warmth and resilience, this mini-episode offers real talk, gentle guidance, and moments of humor to help you be a little sun, not the salt in your home and your heart.

To explore the book, or for more episodes, information, tips and tools to live a more heliotropic life, visit us at bethesunnotthesalt.com and find us on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and TikTok.

Transcript

[00:00:00] 

Dr. Harry Cohen: Okay, good time. Are you ready? 

Connie Fontaine: We are ready.

Dr. Harry Cohen: Welcome to our Be the Sun, not the Salt podcast. My name is Dr. Harry Cohen, and I'm joined by Connie Fontaine, my chief Super spreader. And this is another episode in our series. How Do I, how, how, how do I Practice Being Heliotropic and all kinds of different circumstances.

This particular topic is how do I model or teach my children to be heliotropic? 

Connie Fontaine: Yeah, this came from a listener and it was a special request, and at first we thought, well, obvious, right? But it, it's hard just like it's hard to practice ourselves. So we think this is a juicy one, and I think this becomes, whether it's for, you know, your friend Dick with being a grandparent, being a parent, I think it's, it's about a lot about modeling [00:01:00] and practicing it ourselves.

Dr. Harry Cohen: The whole kit and caboodle is modeling it and practicing it and owning that. We're all a work in progress period. So it doesn't matter what age your children are and everybody has to face this, whether they have kids or are around kids. Our job is to be heliotropic. Period. As best as as we can. And forgive yourself when you're not.

And then try your best to do it again in the next moment. 

Connie Fontaine: I know we're not supposed to live with regret. Do you, do you think about a story 

Dr. Harry Cohen: Oh. 

Connie Fontaine: were little? Are there things we could have? I know I could have done things 

Dr. Harry Cohen: Oh my God. it's great that they don't remember some of the stuff that I did. I.

was such a jerk when I would lose my cool at varying ages. 'cause my kids are now 33 and they're fraternal twin boys. And the way they treated each other at various ages was [00:02:00] awful. And of course I would.

You know, come to the rescue of the victim who was being, who was being, you know, harassed by the other one. And they would yell and do terrible things. Not that terrible, but in my mind, stupid things 

Connie Fontaine: Mm-hmm. 

Dr. Harry Cohen: one that was perpetrating to the, to the victim. 

Connie Fontaine: Sure.

Dr. Harry Cohen: it was just, I mean, oh my God, Connie, it's, it was embarrassing how I behaved and thank God they don't remember it.

But the cool part for me is that I can really work on being a good parent now, even though they're grown adults and man, is it, it requires the same level of attention, but I'm a lot wiser now. Mostly it's shut up. Mostly it's say less, listen more and say what would be perhaps helpful. 

Connie Fontaine: Right. Well, I think, you know, it's so easy to make it, it's such a big topic, right? There are so many different, you know, situations and things that you could experience where you feel like you've lost your temper or something. But if you think about it in [00:03:00] just the simple form of be the sun, not the salt, what is gonna provide that?

Comfort, warmth, safety, nourishment in the moment. 

Dr. Harry Cohen: Yeah. 

How do you want 

Connie Fontaine: your child to feel and, and watch you feel in a moment? Um, how do you They're they're observing the way you're treating other people and how you light people up. So it's almost like, take our little metaphor and apply it that way.

I, I, my one funny story, I know. When our daughter was in kindergarten, Jackie, she's 34 now, and a mom. And we were standing on the playground as, as school was letting out and I was picking up, I was dressed in a suit, I was, you know, coming from work. And a mom came up and said, you know, I'd love to have Jackie come over and play.

And Jackie looked up and said, well, we're really, really busy, so we're gonna have to check the calendar and get back to you. And I thought, what the heck? Five years old. So obviously that's the kind of modeling behavior I was giving is that we're really busy people and we'll, we'll let you know.

Dr. Harry Cohen: Yeah, we'll have to check our calendar. A little 5-year-old, you know, hands on. 

Connie Fontaine: So, so that modeling of feeling busy, [00:04:00] rushing out the door, that's another one. Boy, come on, come on, come on. We gotta go. Get your shoes. Get your shoes. We're gonna be late. We're gonna be late. That level of gotta get going is, is another example of how did I want them to feel? Well, I wanted them to feel pressured, um, under duress.

Uh, so they would fulfill on my timeline so I could get to work on time. That's not a really good way to do things.

Dr. Harry Cohen: Here's a tip for parents. At every age, you can continually practice this and it never ends, and you can get better at it. I know that I'm better as a father now than 10 years ago, 20 years ago, 30 years ago, and I'm not done. And maybe in 10 years I'll be even better. And if I'm lucky enough to be a grandparent one day, I hope to be a great grandparent.

Not literally, but a, a, a. Very good. 

Connie Fontaine: You might be both. 

Dr. Harry Cohen: Yeah. 

Connie Fontaine: might be both. Well talk about adult children. I mean, being a parent as an of adult children can sometimes be harder 'cause the rules are not written anywhere for sure. Mm-hmm.

Dr. Harry Cohen: and as far as I'm [00:05:00] concerned, we make the rules, but follow the wisdom of the ancients, which is keep your cool, bring out their best. Remember, they're separate and wonderful human beings, and my job doesn't change. I want to be a positive influence in their lives no matter what. So they. Are made better by my relat, my, my relationship with them and me too.

So I'm I, God, I'm never, ever done with this and I'm looking for more ways to be a better father at this age. It doesn't get old for me. 

Connie Fontaine: Yeah, I mean for me it's a very specific, um, trying to make sure I know exactly what salt on roots for them is. And it's different for both of our, our kids. So Jackie's 34, she's married, she's got kids. Brian's single is 31. Um, different lifestyles, and guess what? They don't usually want my opinion, 

Dr. Harry Cohen: Mm-hmm. 

Connie Fontaine: unless they ask for it.

And for, you know, Brian especially, he doesn't, that's one of those things I have to ask. Do [00:06:00] you want my thoughts on that? And I know that it's salt on his roots, so the minute it starts to come out, I just stop. And that's hard for me. 

Dr. Harry Cohen: Yeah. 

Connie Fontaine: I know better. Of

Dr. Harry Cohen: Yes. Well, th this is our lifelong work, 

 So do it again. Do it again. Do it again. 

Connie Fontaine: Yep.

Dr. Harry Cohen: the beauty of this work, this material is we get to do it over again the next moment, whatever came out of our mouth, whatever we did or didn't do, or said or didn't say, great. So go clean it up.

And I love that we get to clean it up every single day, um, to try and be a little bit better. 

Connie Fontaine: Well, and I think that's to your point on that with, as a parent, it's okay to apologize to your child. I, you know, we talk a lot about, you know, learning to apologize well and doing the next right thing. We practice it ourselves all the time trying to get better and to apologize and tell your child, I mommy shouldn't have done that.

Dr. Harry Cohen: Yeah. 

Connie Fontaine: sorry that I yelled, I'm sorry that I did whatever. And by the way, hold me accountable. I don't wanna do that again. [00:07:00] 

Dr. Harry Cohen: Yeah. 

Connie Fontaine: and I think that alone, talk about modeling good behavior. That's a good way to teach kids to that. It's 

Dr. Harry Cohen: E 

Connie Fontaine: to be wrong long as you fix it.

Dr. Harry Cohen: exactly. Know that you're wrong. Acknowledge that you're wrong. Apologize. Well try and fix it. Be vulnerable. Enlist them in the journey. We're all in the process of becoming better human beings. You two, me too. 

Connie Fontaine: Mm-hmm. 

Dr. Harry Cohen: Nobody writes a book. No. Nobody tells you how to parent. There's no rule rules other than, you know, try and bring out the best in them and don't make them.

You know, hate life in themselves, but there's, 

Connie Fontaine: Yep.

Dr. Harry Cohen: know, remember the village metaphor. Use a lot of resources, friends, family, relatives, and wise sages to help you raise your kids while you're raising yourself. 

Connie Fontaine: Well, and I think we, we've talked about the difference between empathy and compassion and, and the, the, you know, compassion is also about doing something about, how you're [00:08:00] feeling about that person. And I think one, one of the most important things to model is that with children is to show that you care about people.

It's, it's the small. Tokens of, you know, whether you're feeding someone who's homeless, whether you're taking care of somebody who's injured, whatever it is, but making sure that they see that you're, you're compassionate, not angry. You know, we, we've talked about different situations with people in our lives where you can't hold a grudge, and boy, if you're gonna hold a grudge in front of your kids, that's probably one of the worst examples you can set.

Dr. Harry Cohen: Yeah, and holding grudges is really stupid and 

that's 

Connie Fontaine: a big one. So I think what we're saying is modeling for our kids is probably what we're trying to do for ourselves and each other. We, we do this, you, you know, we catch each other when the one's being negative or 

Dr. Harry Cohen: Yeah. 

Connie Fontaine: compassionate about somebody.

And I think that's what we're we're saying is modeling those around you. And, and our kids obviously are the most important places to start. And the kids in your life, it's not 

Dr. Harry Cohen: Yeah, 

Connie Fontaine: about having your own children, it's about who can you empower, what children can you influence and what people around you, you can make a difference with.[00:09:00] 

Dr. Harry Cohen: so here's one thing I wanna end with, which is when you see someone's kid, whether it's yours or anyone else's kid, and you see some them doing something absolutely wonderful, make sure you say it out loud, pure and simple. I love the way you did that. It's not small And I want to call it out.

Connie Fontaine: And you see their little faces light up and you realize, yep. I just, I did a good thing. 

Dr. Harry Cohen: You bet. 

Connie Fontaine: I love that. Would love to hear some other stories about how you've done it. We know colleagues of ours read the book with their kids. They, they plan out different life events with the children , whatever activity your family likes to do, we'd love to hear about it.

Thanks for listening. I.