#67 How Do I... Handle Criticism Without Getting Defensive?

Ever feel that sting when someone gives you criticism, even when you know it’s supposed to help? In this “How Do I…” episode of Be the Sun, Not the Salt, Dr. Harry Cohen and Connie Fontaine take on the surprisingly tough (and super common) challenge of handling feedback without letting defensiveness take over.

Here’s what you’ll hear:

• Why even the kindest of us can get prickly when criticism comes our way
• Simple moves that can turn a tough conversation into a personal growth moment
• Real talk about the magic of pausing, breathing, and saying “thank you” (even when it’s hard)
• How to spot the gold in critical feedback, without letting a single comment ruin your whole day
• What to do when feedback feels overwhelming, and how to come back to the conversation when you’re ready
• Why gratitude - genuine, not forced - leaves both sides feeling respected and seen
• Thoughtful ways to ask questions and clarify so you actually get value from what you hear
• Practical reminders that you don’t have to have the perfect reaction in the moment (and that’s okay)

If you’re working on being less reactive and more open, or just want a little encouragement to take feedback in stride, this episode is for you.

(This mini “How Do I…” episode is perfect for anyone who’s ever bristled at feedback, wants to show up as their best self, or just needs a little help finding the lessons in critique.) 

Want more? Get a copy of the book here.

To explore the book, or for more episodes, information, tips and tools to live a more heliotropic life, visit us at bethesunnotthesalt.com and find us on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and TikTok.

Transcript

[00:00:00] 

This is Pillow. Talk with Alan. All remember that? I do remember that. Pillow talk. Good morning and welcome. 

Okay. Hello, 

Dr. Harry Cohen: Welcome to our Be the Sun, not the Salt podcast. I am Dr. Harry Cohen. I'm joined by my co-host and chief super spreader, Connie Fontaine. And this is another in our series, how, how, how, how do I practice Being More Heliotropic, more Be the Sun, not the salt in all kinds of circumstances. And today's topic is how do I handle criticism or feedback without becoming defensive?

Connie Fontaine: This is a doozy. I mean, this is one for me. I think I've been working on this topic for, I don't know. Since I was born, uh, you know, I think this is, I think, a tendency to, to [00:01:00] take things personally to, for feelings to get hurt when you are really committed to an idea or a thought. And so I, I love walking through different techniques and tips because I've grown over the years, but I got a ways to go.

Dr. Harry Cohen: And that is all of our jobs. We all got a ways to go. The reason we all get a little bit defensive when we get feedback that's critical or, or. Actual criticism is because we're wired that way, you're not gonna get around it. It's, we're wired to protect ourselves. So if you cut yourself some slack and, and remember that you're gonna be a little bit defensive, you can become a little bit less defensive and maybe even not at all.

And take in the nugget of wisdom, the kernel of truth, the tiny bit of useful data. That someone is trying to give you. So here are some ways that we have learned to be helpful in taking in the nuggets of wisdom that [00:02:00] someone's trying to give us.

Connie Fontaine: I dunno about you, but so since I've already owned up to the fact that this is me, the best one I've learned so far is to take a beat and to

Dr. Harry Cohen: Yeah. Yeah.

Connie Fontaine: it's a breath or a smile, a pause to let yourself make sure that. You're not letting it rise up inside you, um, and start getting defensive right away. And I have also found that if I say, wow, thank you, if I say something positive first, that completely sets me onto the right track for being able to listen, um, and acknowledge the feedback, thoughts, whatever they are coming towards.

Dr. Harry Cohen: And I wanna underline that five times, thank you and mean it. And when I say thank you and mean it, that means really say, I really appreciate you telling me that. It's not hard, it's not that easy to do. It's hard to give somebody direct. Critical feedback, especially when the motive is pure and you're not trying, somebody's not trying to take a pound of flesh from you and it, and you wanna acknowledge the fact that you do really appreciate the fact that they said it [00:03:00] to you.

So say thank you with more than just thanks, but really I appreciate the fact that you're telling me that it's not easy for you to say it. So let's see if I can, you know, hear what you're saying, take what you're trying to give me, get better from it, et cetera, et cetera. So really thank you. I wanna underline that one.

Connie Fontaine: Well, and I think that's the, to realize that getting feedback or criticism, if you're gonna take it that way, is important because it's on that person's mind and you're better off knowing

Dr. Harry Cohen: Yeah.

Connie Fontaine: knowing. And I think that's the, that's the other element of it, is to be appreciate. It's a gift that you get when you get, especially if it's feedback around performance

Dr. Harry Cohen: Okay.

Connie Fontaine: or how you're making other people feel. I think that's, that's a gift, because

Dr. Harry Cohen: Totally

Connie Fontaine: around not knowing how you're making people feel?

Dr. Harry Cohen: right. So knowing that it's a gift, knowing that you're not gonna be defensive because you're really working at that, and then trying to squeeze out what's really useful about what I'm hearing when I say useful, as in, you know, there's some truth to it and it'll make you better [00:04:00] in some form or fashion.

So you can ask for clarifying questions and examples and more. How do I do this? When does this show up? How often have you seen it? Um, just so you can really dig for the goal that, that that's there. You're really looking for something to make you better. Many years ago, I, I'll never forget it, I got some feedback after giving a presentation, 50 people in a room of executives, and they all gave written feedback and one fellow wrote, he's not that smart to be that arrogant.

And what was so great about that particular line outta 50 people, that was the one negative one that I picked out is that, that, that I do have a little arrogance that is never helpful when I'm presenting and, and it was just forever useful to me. So I'm just saying that there's gold.

Connie Fontaine: like arrogance to somebody. And I think

Dr. Harry Cohen: Yeah.

Connie Fontaine: you mentioned is perspective.

Dr. Harry Cohen: Mm-hmm.

Connie Fontaine: you zoned in on one out of 50.[00:05:00] 

Dr. Harry Cohen: Mm-hmm.

Connie Fontaine: And you'd remember that one. You probably don't remember what the other 49 said.

Dr. Harry Cohen: Oh,

Connie Fontaine: perspective on feedback too, that this is, this is one person,

Dr. Harry Cohen: yep.

Connie Fontaine: of feedback.

It's important to listen to. Um, but also just don't take this as, you know, an indictment on your whole day.

Dr. Harry Cohen: Not only I agree with you a thousand percent. It's not, it's not an indictment on you or your whole day. And yet the whole point of this is we all wanna get better. And when you get practiced at receiving feedback, well, you literally are modeling. I'm a work in progress and every single one of us is a work in progress.

And you model it for the world and for yourself. Thank you for that. I can get better with that. I'm going to get better with that and welcome it for the next time. It makes everybody feel great when you can practice receiving feedback. Really well. Make it a goal of, or, I know I wanna. Receive [00:06:00] feedback.

Well, uh, just doing this podcast for example, we have a producer who constantly tells us, yeah, could you redo that? Could you say it more, better, differently? And I love it because it gives us a chance to try it again and try saying it to be more effective because our mission is to try and be better at this craft.

Connie Fontaine: Yes, and it, and we always receive that feedback well too, because there's specificity, which is

Dr. Harry Cohen: Yeah.

Connie Fontaine: the other piece of receiving feedback is in the moment you have to find that ability to listen well enough, but also ask clarifying questions.

Dr. Harry Cohen: Mm-hmm.

Connie Fontaine: tell me more about that specifically? How did that come about? How did I make you feel? Is it the first time that you've noticed this? Um, anything that gives you the whole picture, because it's easier to walk away from a conversation like that if you've got some actionable results that you

Dr. Harry Cohen: Yeah.

Connie Fontaine: strive towards.

Dr. Harry Cohen: Yep. Making the concrete for [00:07:00] yourself so that you're again, looking for something that I can use, that I can integrate, that I can immediately deploy. Thank you very much. So I wouldn't, I wouldn't go to town on. Why the person is telling you that. 'cause your mind can go nuts on telling stories on why this person is telling you that I don't trust their motive,

Connie Fontaine: Right?

Dr. Harry Cohen: et cetera.

Just take it in and and mo and move on. Right.

Connie Fontaine: Long as

Dr. Harry Cohen: Don't.

Connie Fontaine: as you know what they're telling you, but you're right, no questioning the motive because that, that would just defeat the purpose. And I think at the end of that conversation, acknowledging it, thanking them. There's a couple of things that, a couple of reasons I do it. One is 'cause I want, no matter how I looked or felt, if I allowed it to show at all, I want them to know I appreciated it. I wanna

Dr. Harry Cohen: Yep.

Connie Fontaine: for being willing to have that kind of conversation and it, and it helps cover any other things that I might have said or felt or during the conversation, I want them to know. I truly appreciate the [00:08:00] feedback,

Dr. Harry Cohen: Yep.

Connie Fontaine: that, that ends the conversation on a high note, no matter how you're still feeling inside, if you've gotta walk away and do some re renu hello remuneration on it, um, that's okay too.

And I think you've said this to me before, you could say, you know what, I need to. Think more about this, I'd love to come back and chat about it again if

Dr. Harry Cohen: Yeah.

Connie Fontaine: have the conversation in that moment.

Dr. Harry Cohen: And if That's a really great point, Connie, which is, if you need to say, let me think about what you just said. That's a lot to take in. I wanna get back to you on that. Again, I appreciate you telling me that, but before I respond, I want really wanna think about it. Lovely thing to say, if you can pull that off.

Connie Fontaine: Yeah, because if you can't be genuine and authentic in the moment. least that is a genuine and authentic response still.

Dr. Harry Cohen: that's all we're looking for. We're looking a, to be better human beings. 'cause all of us are work in progress, and B, we're doing it together. We're doing it with each other. We're doing it with and for each other. So the person who's telling you that [00:09:00] has got enough love to tell you it again, thank them.

Connie Fontaine: Thank them. That's a great way to end, I think. If you have any thoughts on this topic or anyone you'd love to share this with, please do. In the meantime, thanks for listening.