#68 How Do I... Support Someone Through Illness or Loss?

When someone you care about is facing illness or loss, it’s easy to feel unsure about what to say or do. In this “How Do I…” episode of Be the Sun, Not the Salt, Dr. Harry Cohen and Connie Fontaine open up about the small, thoughtful ways we can support people during life’s hardest chapters—without overthinking or making it about us.

Here’s what you’ll hear:

• Why “just being there” often means more than grand gestures (and what that looks like in real life)
• The gift of listening without advice or platitudes, and how it helps build trust
• How to check in gently and let someone know you’re thinking of them, even when words feel inadequate
• A few big “don’ts” we often put on the people we want to help without realizing it
• How embracing small, specific acts of kindness are often better than grand gestures
• Why appreciating the chance to show up as a caregiver or friend is a powerful reframing for both people
• Real reminders that a little humility can go a long way

If you’re looking for practical, heart-centered ways to support loved ones through the messiness of illness or grief, this episode shares the guidance, encouragement, and honest perspective you need.

Tune in for gentle wisdom and stories to keep you grounded, and connected, when it matters most.

To explore the book, or for more episodes, information, tips and tools to live a more heliotropic life, visit us at bethesunnotthesalt.com and find us on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and TikTok.

Transcript

[00:00:00] 

Dr. Harry Cohen: Welcome, welcome to another one of our series in How, how, how, how do I, in this case, support someone through illness or loss? Connie?

Connie Fontaine: Well, when you think about illness or loss, those are like two very big categories. They, there's some similarities. just providing somebody some support. I mean, as you know, I'm going through a little bit myself as you get into this stage of life with some elder care concerns.

Dr. Harry Cohen: So any insights, lessons, wisdoms that you can pass on to our team? Anyone who's listening, I got a bunch.

Connie Fontaine: Yeah, well good. Well, 'cause I could use this as a therapy session today, but, but also I think the things I've started to learn and apply the, the be the Sun work towards. My day to day experiences so far is [00:01:00] to not catastrophize everything, for one, um, to start looking forward into the future and trying to have a plan for exactly how I'm gonna handle every element of this journey. Trying not to do that because as a planner, that's my first take is, okay, well how I'm gonna do this? And it gonna be a once a month visit? How am I gonna get down to Florida? Those are all the things that are going through my brain and trying to bring it down into a smaller little subset of time and. Commitment is helping a little bit.

Dr. Harry Cohen: So my counsel around this stuff first for myself and for you and for anyone is. Do the bare minimum and don't lay a trip on yourself on you could do more. 'cause we

Connie Fontaine: Mm-hmm.

Dr. Harry Cohen: are compassionate people with empathy, we think and know and it's true. I could do more. Yes you can. So please be compassionate with yourself and do only what you can today.

Just try and focus on, well, what can I do today for him or for her?[00:02:00] 

Connie Fontaine: Mm-hmm.

Dr. Harry Cohen: who lost his 91-year-old father, and now this was a. Terrible month long horror show. And then he finally passed. But my neighbor was really, he was really, really struggling and we made a commitment, my wife and I, Saturday night to have him over and just listened to him and he cried and he shared, and he lamented.

Connie Fontaine: Hmm.

Dr. Harry Cohen: And I know enough to shut up and just listen. Don't offer advice, don't talk about the future. There's so many things I could say about, and remember. And remember, and I slipped into it a couple times, but mostly we were really good. Be there. Offer a good listening ear and think of just today. It was Saturday night and of course it was great.

He sent us a beautiful note of thanks. 'cause I know that this is really, really simple and important.

Connie Fontaine: Right?

Dr. Harry Cohen: overthink it. So for you, don't think about what you're gonna need to do for grace in the future. I know your mind goes there. How [00:03:00] about just today? And if you keep it that simple, Connie, it'll be helpful today, tomorrow, you can deal with it tomorrow.

You got plenty to do tomorrow. But keeping it simple and the smaller is better. A text, a kind word, hand on the shoulder, hug a listening ear. Hey, just so you know, I'm there for you.

Connie Fontaine: right.

Dr. Harry Cohen: I've gotten really good at this 'cause I've, I've learned. Through others loss and illness. Smaller is better. Hey, thinking of you text.

Connie Fontaine: Mm-hmm.

Dr. Harry Cohen: I'm not bothering you by letting you know I'm thinking of you. I, I even,

Connie Fontaine: the important thing you just

Dr. Harry Cohen: I.

Connie Fontaine: too, and we've talked about this in other contexts, is the ability to listen and ask questions if you're not getting the right information. I think, um, and we have this risk of doing this with children, we have the risk of doing as with people we don't think understand the consequences or even as people get older, and [00:04:00] to give advice without being, without somebody wanting it, is pretty detrimental to the relationship.

Dr. Harry Cohen: The only thing that I, I agree with you a thousand percent. The only thing that I usually say when someone is grieving is the simple truth. 'cause I find it helpful. Grief is not a linear process. Don't let anybody tell you it goes through four stages and that it's not linear, it circular. Allow yourself to feel whatever, and then I shut up and man, I know that I can get talky with advice.

C. My better self is just there with them, letting them know, Hey, I got your back an illness. The dear colleague whose son was in the ICU for like a month with so much unknown when your, when your kid is in the ICU,

Connie Fontaine: Hmm.

Dr. Harry Cohen: it's really hard because the ICU is the worst place to be. You can't sleep. It's horrible.

The unknowns are all around you and. [00:05:00] All I did was check in with him

Connie Fontaine: Mm-hmm.

Dr. Harry Cohen: appreciated it, and I don't mind that I was good at that. So just remember to check in with people. God, I've gone through difficult times and when people are there for me, it's that simple.

Connie Fontaine: Right. You remember something we learned from Brad Aronson, that opportunity. And don't, don't just say to somebody, you actually put something on them. If you're, if someone's grieving or going through something difficult and you say, just let me know what I can do to help. Not helpful.

Dr. Harry Cohen: Right,

Connie Fontaine: given them another job.

Dr. Harry Cohen: right.

Connie Fontaine: by the way, you've not shown any real compassion for what they're going through.

Dr. Harry Cohen: Yep. And the, the main thing is, what you just said is don't, um, lay more trips on them. Don't ask them to do more work. What, whatever that work might be. Emotional work or psychological.

Connie Fontaine: them.

Dr. Harry Cohen: Mm-hmm.

Connie Fontaine: for them, or say, would it be helpful if I. Blah, blah, blah.

Dr. Harry Cohen: Exactly.

Connie Fontaine: that was kind, that was a big learning for me because I think it's kind of a [00:06:00] natural reaction is you don't wanna impose and you want them to know you care. And I think that was a really good no-no to learn.

Dr. Harry Cohen: Also, I like when I can do it because it brings out the best in me. My wife had an injury recently while we were traveling and it just forced me in the best possible way. Okay, caregiver role, step up and see if you can get the Academy Award for the best possible caregiver you can be not looking for the award, but okay.

Let's see if I can really be a good caregiver. It, I love the opportunity to be a caregiver, to be helpful. To just force myself to, okay, this isn't about me at all. So I, I like the opportunity.

Connie Fontaine: like something

Dr. Harry Cohen: Oh.

Connie Fontaine: would be helpful that was like not helpful? I

Dr. Harry Cohen: Um, less is more.

Connie Fontaine: Okay.

Dr. Harry Cohen: have to do a lot, but you gotta be there. Just check. Is this, is, would this be helpful? Okay. Uh, you okay? All [00:07:00] right. How about this? Anything I can do good. Um, look for opportunities to let, let me help you get, get dressed. Let me help you get undressed. Um, and keeping it simple.

Don't overthink it. And don't make a big deal about it. That's a huge lesson. Um, a friend of mine shared that I told this story, we had a great experience while traveling, even though she broke her arm. And one of the things that was so wonderful is that we, both of us were determined to have a great experience, even though ostensibly from the outside, like, oh my God, it wasn't, oh my God.

It was, oh. Okay, this is what we got. Let's see if we can make it great. And we did. I like that lesson. No matter what happens to us and around us, what's required of me, let this circumstance bring out the best in me.

Connie Fontaine: Yeah, if I could reiterate anything that you, you said that set felt so [00:08:00] good was asking questions,

Dr. Harry Cohen: Mm-hmm.

Connie Fontaine: about that a little bit, but that reality of it's so easy to get, like you're just trying to be helpful and you just keep going and going and let me just pick this up for you. Let me put your leg over here.

Let me do, and I think that question, would this be helpful? Um,

Dr. Harry Cohen: It's sad.

Connie Fontaine: patient in the way you ask. I think that's, I think that's a big lesson. Sounds simple, but probably hard to do in the moment sometimes.

Dr. Harry Cohen: I, I think if you can remember that if you're a human being and a community, which you are. That the opportunity to be there for someone who's going through a difficult time, whether it's a loss or an illness or an injury, is so cool that we get the opportunity to be a helpful caregiver. It is fantastic, and if you accept that role, it's a really cool role.

To play well. So, you know, embrace it, own it. Be grateful for the opportunity that you have, the capacity to be a helpful soul. And I, I find it [00:09:00] just uplifting.

Connie Fontaine: Well, I think for us and for anyone who's listening, this gives us an opportunity when someone isn't asking questions to, to maybe redirect and reframe and just say, you know, it would be really helpful to me as if you asked what would be helpful and when it would be helpful instead of, you know, trying very hard to be helpful.

'cause it's not always that way.

Dr. Harry Cohen: Remember, um, we're gonna be there. So constantly look for opportunities to practice being your best self around the person who's going through the difficult time. It's such a gift. Mm-hmm.

Connie Fontaine: So let's be our best selves. And I think you start, we started out coaching me a little bit, like, be good to yourself while you're trying to be your best version of yourself, but also let's look to what that person needs, um, and not make it about you.

Dr. Harry Cohen: Love it.

Connie Fontaine: It's a great way to wrap that one up. So this one, if you get inspired by any of this, if you've got any good stories for us, we'd love to hear from you.

Otherwise, thank you for listening and have a great day. 

[00:10:00]