#71 How Do I... Age Without Becoming My Worst Self?

Ever wonder why some people get grumpier, judgier, and more insufferable as they age and vow never to become that person? In this hilariously honest "How Do I…" episode of *Be the Sun, Not the Salt*, Dr. Harry Cohen and Connie Fontaine get real about the aging process and their mission to become wise, not just old (and cranky).

Here's what you'll hear:  

• Harry's confession about being a "wisdom dispensary machine" and why his son basically told him to zip it during a life coaching moment  
• Connie's cookie incident with her eight-months-pregnant daughter (spoiler: it involved immediate regret)  
• Why Harry dreams of being the Dalai Lama everyone wants to invite over, not the boring enlightenment guy who drones on about chia seeds  
• The "advice machine" epidemic plaguing well-meaning older people everywhere (and how to shut yours off)  
• How Harry's 77-year-old sister is learning to bite her tongue at soccer games (thanks, Mel Robbins!)  
• Their pledge to be the kind of people their kids actually want to hang out with, not the kind they tolerate out of obligation  
• The art of saying "You're right, I'm sorry" without adding seventeen justifications  

If you're committed to aging like fine wine instead of sour milk, this episode is your guide to becoming the cool elder everyone hopes you'll be, not the one they avoid at family gatherings.

Tune in for laughs, wisdom, and a healthy dose of self-awareness about the fine art of growing older without becoming insufferable.

To explore the book, or for more episodes, information, tips and tools to live a more heliotropic life, visit us at bethesunnotthesalt.com and find us on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and TikTok.

Transcript

[00:00:00] 

Dr. Harry Cohen: So welcome to our series. How, how, how, how do I? In this case, how do I or we age gracefully and become more wise as we age and, and not, you know, more the worst versions of ourselves as we age.

Connie Fontaine: and we, we normally talk about aging gracefully in the physical space, and you and I talk, we talk a lot about our breakfast and what kind of chia seeds and all the good stuff we're eating in the morning and how can I get up? I, my exercise now is about how quick can I get up off the ground? That's a, that's a grandmother's like necessity, but this time we were talking and it was about how do we age and be nice people and more enlightened as we age.

Dr. Harry Cohen: And be people that people wanna be around. The young people wanna be around. Our children wanna be around. Perhaps our grandchildren wanna be around. People wanna be around and not like some people that we know as they age, they [00:01:00] become the worst versions of themselves and we don't wanna be that we wanna become great.

I have some,

Connie Fontaine: my, go

Dr. Harry Cohen: I have some thoughts about that.

Connie Fontaine: I'm sure you do. Well, I told you 'cause my hypothesis is that, and this is of course based just on experience, that people as they age, people around me, their worst traits get

Dr. Harry Cohen: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Connie Fontaine: It's, I don't know if it's, they don't notice it or they just say whatever. This is who I am.

Dr. Harry Cohen: because of that, I don't wanna be that person. I personally, I, I don't want to think about talking about those other people. I wanna be the person that my kids say, you know, dad, you're a lot better and funner and cooler and wiser to be around. I love being around you. Now, they might not say that, but it'll, it'll show up in different ways and I really do.

I think they're the best barometer that the canary in the coal mine to show me. You know what? I am aging gracefully. They like to be around me. And I want to be that person [00:02:00] for everyone.

Connie Fontaine: this our Pledge to our Children episode? I pledge that I am gonna be my best version of myself as I

Dr. Harry Cohen: And if they ever watch this.

Connie Fontaine: make you miserable if possible.

Dr. Harry Cohen: if they ever watch this, I hope that they say good job when we're doing it well. And hey, dad, remember that episode? You, you're doing just the opposite. You're talking too much. You're talking about your, your whatnot. That I find interesting what's 

Connie Fontaine: the 

Dr. Harry Cohen: I, 

Connie Fontaine: thing that, that you would say is if you, if you just let it all go, what would be the worst trait that would keep getting

Dr. Harry Cohen: oh, um, being a advice machine.

Connie Fontaine: Oh, see, that's me too though.

Dr. Harry Cohen: Uh, it's not pleasant.

Connie Fontaine: I'll come up with a second one, but let's talk about that one first.

Dr. Harry Cohen: I'll tell you another one, which would be, um, focused on diet, exercise and aging longevity stuff, which gets boring for people to listen to. IE what my diet, exercise, and [00:03:00] gratitude practices are all about.

Connie Fontaine: Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Dr. Harry Cohen: I was saying to my one son recently. Um, you should focus on, uh, contribution goals. Not just achievement goals, because research and he said, is this, what, is this what you talk about to other people when you're coaching them?

Now that was code for, you know, you know, it's not helpful dad. And that's what I mean by, you know, I gotta be really mindful of my wisdom dispensary machine

Connie Fontaine: Mm-hmm.

Dr. Harry Cohen: I wanna be, I was joking with you earlier, I wanna be the, the Dalai Lama. I wanna be an enlightened being that people wanna invite over. Not like, oh my God, he's so there.

You know, he's,

Connie Fontaine: about his

Dr. Harry Cohen: yeah. Or his, his enlightenment practice. He's so boring and, and honestly, the ability to. Maintain and keep a healthy, interactive conversation going is a skill that I could get better [00:04:00] at. That means asking questions. Asking questions that are relevant to the people you're talking with and for, and involving people.

'cause I often get lazy and let other people carry the conversation. That's not helpful. So I, I, I got plenty to work on and I'm excited about aging gracefully to be a person that somebody wants to invite over.

Connie Fontaine: Mm-hmm. I think that's good. So on the advice machine thing, I think that's one of the things I've got because it can be very overt. Or can be that accidental stuff. You know, some, my family was visiting, a couple of kids were over this weekend and somebody said, Hey, you wanna, you want a cookie? And I said, oh no, I'm not eating stuff like that right now.

I mean, ugh.

Dr. Harry Cohen: The whole,

Connie Fontaine: like,

Dr. Harry Cohen: right? Yeah.

Connie Fontaine: for that as this, as her pregnant eight month pregnant self said, Hmm,

Dr. Harry Cohen: E

Connie Fontaine: judgy. And I was like, what did it

Dr. Harry Cohen: You're going to eat all that sugar. You know, it's really not good for you. That, that kind of,

Connie Fontaine: you?

Dr. Harry Cohen: right. So my, my, uh, older sister and I were chatting this morning. She's 77. She had a [00:05:00] great insight. She called me to thank me for the advice I gave to her, but it's just as true for me. And she was at a soccer game with her.

Grandchildren and one of the kids was not doing something and it was irritating her. And she so wanted to give, give advice about how the kid was behaving and she shut up and she was proud of the fact that she shut up and she was quoting Mel Robbins, let them, let them do their thing. It's not your place to say it.

I said, Maddie, I'm so proud of you. Good job. This is our work. You see stuff that you know makes you crazy. Just shut up and walk away, and she was really great about it. I wanna get better at that too. We see stuff that bugs us. You don't have to comment on the cookie. Do you want that cookie? No. Thanks.

Connie Fontaine: Well, and, and again, that you do some of it's accidental. You know, something came outta my mouth about, you know, I knew it was wrong, I won't say, but some parental thing that was happening, and I knew it was wrong, and I said something more overt. And my daughter said to me that you're being judgmental.

And it took me a, it took [00:06:00] me longer than it should have to just say, I'm sorry. You're right. I was like, well, I'm trying. And then I was like, Nope, you're, I'm sorry. You're right.

Dr. Harry Cohen: I love,

Connie Fontaine: judging you in that moment. Nothing

Dr. Harry Cohen: that.

Connie Fontaine: needed to be

Dr. Harry Cohen: It,

Connie Fontaine: I didn't agree with you. I'm not gonna pretend I agree with you now, but you're right.

I'm

Dr. Harry Cohen: it was beautiful, Connie, that one, I mean, may our kids listen to this and may we be become less judgmental. As we age, more accepting and more helpful, and literally more being the sun in our interactions with our grown kids and grandkids, and anyone else around us. That is my wish and hope. Let's lean into that and praise the daylights out of one another when we do it right, and be willing, like you were when someone corrects us to go, oh, you're right.

Thank you.

Connie Fontaine: You right. Quick tip. And that's, I mean, what it all adds up to. And it's funny, it's the practice of

Dr. Harry Cohen: That's right.

Connie Fontaine: it's, we're gonna have to work harder at it as we age based on what we've seen in terms of other people in their aging. We have to work harder at being the best version of ourself if we have [00:07:00] an ache, a pain, um, so much wisdom, we can't help but share it.

All those things are gonna happen to us, and I think we're gonna work harder at it, um, despite the, the effort we already put into it Now.

Dr. Harry Cohen: Uh, if I'm lucky enough to be a grandparent one day, I hope to win the gold medal as the very best grandparent there ever was.

Connie Fontaine: Oh no, you won't be able to do that because, you know, already has it. Me.

Dr. Harry Cohen: May it always be so.

Connie Fontaine: lot of fun. I think that this is, um, this is one of those things where we love because we challenge each other to be our best version of ourself. And as life changes, uh, the way we practice needs to change. And I guess I'd challenge all of our listeners, what's that thing?

What's that thing that you're going to possibly be worse at as you age? And let's, and let's kind of nip that one in the bud. Thanks for listening.