#72 How Do I... Deal with Negative People Without Becoming Negative Myself?

Ever walked away from a conversation feeling like you just inhaled a face full of secondhand negativity? In this episode of Be the Sun, Not the Salt, Dr. Harry Cohen and Connie Fontaine tackle the all-too-common challenge of keeping your own energy bright when the people around you are stuck in a raincloud.

Here’s what you’ll hear:

• Why negativity really is like secondhand smoke (and how to avoid grabbing a “cigarette”)
• The hidden traps of commiseration and why “ain’t it awful?” can pull you into the gloom
• Smart ways to empathize, listen, and validate… without accidentally joining the Negativity Olympics
• Body language hacks to keep your posture upbeat even when the mood is not
• How to “pour sun on the leaves” of someone struggling, and when a smile might not be the right move
• Honesty about the fine line between uplifting and toxic positivity, plus the art of gentle redirection
• Their practical “word tracks” for shifting the convo from what’s wrong to what’s possible
• Why the world will never run out of negatoids, and strategies to protect your boundaries without adding to the salt

If you want to show up as a positive force, but without denying reality or making anyone feel steamrolled, this episode offers validation, sharp advice, and a reminder that you don’t have to “catch” someone else’s gloomy mood.

This mini “How Do I…” episode is a must-listen for anyone navigating family dynamics, workplace drama, or moments when the energy in the room desperately needs a dose of sunshine.

To explore the book, or for more episodes, information, tips and tools to live a more heliotropic life, visit us at bethesunnotthesalt.com and find us on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and TikTok.

Transcript

[00:00:00] 

Dr. Harry Cohen: welcome. My name is Dr. Harry Cohen, and this is Be the Sun, not the Salt. This is another in our series. How, how, how, how do I show up as my best self? How do I practice being the sun and not the salt in a variety of circumstances?

I'm joined by my co-host, Connie Fontaine, chief super spreader, and today we're gonna be talking about how do I handle myself when I'm with other people that are quite negative and I'm not gonna go down that dark road myself.

Connie Fontaine: Right, how do I not kinda get that same vibe and start being negative myself?

Dr. Harry Cohen: Yeah, and there's so many ways to do it, but it starts with our intention from the get go. I. Experience negativity, like secondhand [00:01:00] smoke. Oh, it doesn't smell very good, and I am not gonna ask the person, Hey, can I have a cigarette? I'm gonna protect my roots in.

Connie Fontaine: just that negativity, please. Yeah.

Dr. Harry Cohen: E. Exactly. I don't wanna let it get in me. I don't wanna breathe it in, and I certainly don't want to let someone else's negativity affect me.

And I start from that posture and I know the things that I think, say and do will make it better or worse.

Connie Fontaine: Right. For, for a lot of us, I mean, commiseration is. Sometimes feels like it's a loving act, you know, to, to allow somebody to be negative and continue to be negative. And if you add fuel to that, you start to feel the same way as the person who's, who's you're looking at saying, wow, this person's really negative.

Dr. Harry Cohen: And what we can do with that insight is have a word track ready in our pocket. Wow. That has been very frustrating. That sounds really [00:02:00] tough. Sounds like you're going through a really difficult time. Uh, what do you think might help. What could you do as opposed to what can't you do? You know? Listen, without absorbing, you don't have to take it in.

You can empathize, but not join in the phrase you were just talking about. Yeah, I know. Ain't it awful? I hate it too. Don't go there. So you can think stuff, but you don't have to say it, and you certainly don't have to do stuff that will make it worse.

Connie Fontaine: what about posture? You know, just even your body language. It's do smile. Let's

Dr. Harry Cohen: Boy,

Connie Fontaine: not take on that same physical appearance of anger and frustration. Let's smile, sit tall, lean forward, listen,

Dr. Harry Cohen: Yep.

Connie Fontaine: attentive and caring, but you don't have to. It's like, don't hang with cilantro like

Dr. Harry Cohen: Yep.

Connie Fontaine: this is, sometimes there's people just like that. Other times it's someone you care about and you wanna make them feel heard, at least,

Dr. Harry Cohen: And making them [00:03:00] feel heard is deeply important by just listening to them but not joining in the negativity yourself. You can show a lot of respect by listening, but remember, keeping your energy, our own energy up and as positive and as uplifting is possible, is our goal. So what comes out of our mouth, what we say and what we do matters a lot.

And we can control the energy in the room by being the more dominant force of positivity that is a fact. Energy changes in a, in a conversation or in a group setting based on how people behave and what they say. And therefore it's up to us. To change that energy, turn it into something uplifting. Lots of ways to do that.

Connie Fontaine: I think that one of the ways is just to even picture the cover of the book, be the Sun, not the Salt. And you know, how do you put sun on the leaves of a person? Um, and that warmth and [00:04:00] energy and nutrition. And I think that's the way I look at it too. And sometimes it, it is a serious topic, so maybe smiling isn't the right one, but being the kind of positive light that the person needs in the moment and be the best you can be.

Dr. Harry Cohen: And that's very, very deliberate on our part. When you said, think about be the sun, not the salt, that's the only mantra that I carry to remind me am I being uplifting in this circumstance or not in the face of anyone's negativity, what am I being in this? Conversation in this group, what's coming outta me?

'cause I wanna be the son. I wanna poor le poor son on their leaves by saying something or doing something that will be perceived and experienced as kind, thoughtful, uplifting, and good.

Connie Fontaine: Right,

Dr. Harry Cohen: And that includes saying something or not saying so.

Connie Fontaine: right. Well, even if you agree, I think that you know. I have a personal situation right now. I, I would very much agree with whoever wants to address the situation [00:05:00] and talk about how tough it is and how negative it is, but it doesn't mean using the same words. I think, you know, you mentioned it. Yes, I agree.

It is not, has not been fun to live with, and the way I like to approach it is I think trying to shift that energy into the positive side of what we're living with versus just the negative side of it.

Dr. Harry Cohen: It's, it's a delicate process to shift from negative when someone wants to complain and focus on the glass half full because you can be accused of toxic positivity, which is in fact salt on roots. You're not acknowledging the truth of the glass half empty. You know, all you wanna do is talk about the positive, so gently and delicately and appropriately, um, move the conversation.

Towards the facts, acknowledge feelings, and then talk about facts

Connie Fontaine: Mm-hmm.

Dr. Harry Cohen: and we gotta, I mean, I'm forever wanting, wanting to work on this for myself to, not to be [00:06:00] toxically positive, but to be a person who influences the energy in a conversation in an uplifting way. And I'm never done with this. And frankly, I'd like for people to.

To own this as a forever challenge. How do you be a force of good in the world and not succumb to other people's negativity? Protect your roots. Protect your boundaries. Protect how you show up in the world. Just because somebody else smokes doesn't mean that you are going to join in that habit.

Connie Fontaine: Yeah. And to your point, I, I do feel, um, like someone's being. Overly or toxically positive to me if they don't acknowledge my feelings first. So if I say something's really bothering me and I haven't caught myself yet, and that person says, oh yeah, but think about it this way. Or, oh, are you kidding?

You have so many blessings and you think you didn't hear me, did

Dr. Harry Cohen: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Connie Fontaine: you know, I think one of your first points, acknowledge it. Acknowledge, yes, that must be very [00:07:00] difficult. That must be really hard for you. And I think asking a question, is there anything you've tried

Dr. Harry Cohen: Mm-hmm.

Connie Fontaine: You know, to move on beyond that, maybe even a suggestion if they're willing and interested in, in, you know, having some other opinions,

Dr. Harry Cohen: You know, I get this question a lot, you know, how do you deal with OIDs and, and one of the things that I think of is with compassion and empathy and remembering. I don't wanna be like that.

Connie Fontaine: right?

Dr. Harry Cohen: I, I look at people who are often negative. Go, man, oh man, do I do that? Yeah, you do. Sometimes don't go there. You know what I mean?

Connie Fontaine: that are OIDs that I think of, and then there's people that are just going through a tough time and

Dr. Harry Cohen: Also.

Connie Fontaine: know, it's, it's negative,

Dr. Harry Cohen: Mm-hmm.

Connie Fontaine: you support 'em in that and, and bring them to something that this is not a permanent situation.

Dr. Harry Cohen: Right.

Connie Fontaine: something we can move beyond. How can I help?

Dr. Harry Cohen: I will say that if you do find yourself in the presence of negatoids a lot, you might wanna change your environment,

Connie Fontaine: for sure. [00:08:00] That's

Dr. Harry Cohen: so, so we'll keep talking about this. Our job is to be the light. Our job is to be as uplifting and as helpful, and as heliotropic as possible. So focusing on our behavior. Our thoughts, our words, and our deeds.

Let's see if we can make a difference with the other people in our world who are going through difficult times and or are negative.

Connie Fontaine: right. We'd love to hear from listeners. What's your strategy? How have you dealt with that? Who are the people? Of that you've been able to help turn around and has it made a difference for you? So thanks for listening.

Dr. Harry Cohen: