#75 How Do I... Practice Self Compassion When I Make a Mistake?

Ever replay something you did and think, “Wow, I am the absolute worst”? In this “How Do I…” episode of Be the Sun, Not the Salt, Dr. Harry Cohen and Connie Fontaine get real about what it means to practice self-compassion when you mess up, from small everyday slip-ups to the big, public, ego-bruising kind. 

Here’s what you’ll hear:

• Why beating yourself up is usually just a bad habit in disguise, not deep truth about who you are. 
• How to catch that harsh inner voice in the act and swap it for something kinder and more helpful. 
• Simple phrases and little mindset shifts that can turn “I’m an idiot” moments into “Okay, oops, what now?” moments. 
• The power of laughing at yourself, using your own name, and even smiling on purpose when you want to cringe. 
• What to do when the mistake is not private but public, and your ego feels like it has been hit by a truck. 
• How honest acknowledgment, clean apologies, and “start again” energy can actually increase trust with other people. 
• Gentle reminders that mistakes are where the practice happens and that you can be the sun to yourself, not just everyone else. 

If you are tired of being your own harshest critic and want practical, real-world ways to treat yourself with more warmth when you blow it, this episode offers relatable stories and small, doable shifts you can try right away. 

Useful Links:

The Ethan Kross episode

To explore the book, or for more episodes, information, tips and tools to live a more heliotropic life, visit us at bethesunnotthesalt.com and find us on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and TikTok.

Transcript

[00:00:00] 

Dr. Harry Cohen: Welcome to our Be the Sun, not the Salt podcast. This is another in our series. How, how, how, how do I practice? Being the son and not the salt. I'm joined by my chief super spreader, Connie Fontaine, topic is, how do I practice self-compassion when I make a mistake con? 

Connie Fontaine: that's saying that you actually make mistakes. I think that's the first part of this. Right, and I, I think one of the things I enjoy, we got some feedback too recently from a coworker that said they're really enjoying these. This, how do I series? Because they're just gentle reminders and that everybody can relate to each one of these and so can we.

And he said, you can tell that you guys are actually talking through your own stuff, um, on the fly. So it's part of what I love about this is that this is a tough one. Sometimes it it, because I do have, for me, I hold myself to [00:01:00] such a high standard that if I feel like I've, especially if I feel like I've let somebody down, that's a hard one for me. 

Dr. Harry Cohen: Mm-hmm. love practicing compassion and self-compassion, 

Connie Fontaine: Right. 

Dr. Harry Cohen: practice is the key word there. Practice, 

Connie Fontaine: Mm-hmm. 

Dr. Harry Cohen: practice, It's not about getting it right all the time, it's about not getting it right. Allows you to get it right. So when you find yourself being mean and unkind to yourself 

Connie Fontaine: Mm-hmm. 

Dr. Harry Cohen: words that you speak to yourself, you'll hear it.

If you listen, you idiot. What a jerk. I can't believe you did that. 

Connie Fontaine: Yeah. 

Dr. Harry Cohen: I swear, 

Connie Fontaine: Yeah. 

Dr. Harry Cohen: I won't say 

Connie Fontaine: Yourself. 

Dr. Harry Cohen: won't. I swear out literally out loud 

Connie Fontaine: Yeah. 

Dr. Harry Cohen: a mistake. 

Connie Fontaine: are not alone. 

Dr. Harry Cohen: I swear at myself in the most pejorative manner. I won't. demonstrate it. You can imagine it, 

Connie Fontaine: Yeah. 

Dr. Harry Cohen: like, dude, 

Connie Fontaine: Why? 

Dr. Harry Cohen: say that to anybody. 

Connie Fontaine: Why would you talk to yourself in a [00:02:00] way that you wouldn't talk to other people? That's right. 

Dr. Harry Cohen: a bad habit. 

Connie Fontaine: Yeah. Don't you think even that whole grunting groan, like, Ugh, sighing, moaning, It's like it's the same thing. It gives you that negative feeling inside that just kind of exudes itself and it just continues. 

Dr. Harry Cohen: In my view of this anyway, people can argue with me all they want. I just think it's a bad habit. 

Connie Fontaine: Yep. 

Dr. Harry Cohen: I say a ba, just a bad habit, that's no more and no less than a crappy, unhealthy, unhelpful thing that humans do, that the habit itself is the problem, not well. you need to look deeply into your with your mother.

No, I think it's a bad habit and like all bad habits. 

Connie Fontaine: Right. 

Dr. Harry Cohen: learn to not do it. And that's what I mean, self-compassion, which is oh, bad habit, like picking your nose, bad habit, 

you know? 

Connie Fontaine: we don't need to help anyone with that. Yeah, no, I agree. you started with something [00:03:00] small, but those are, I think that's a really great way. 'cause I think you immediately start to think about some of the big mistakes, but it's the little things that if we can practice that and learn to stop moaning and groaning and swearing at ourselves for dropping something, I think that will then get easier to tackle the big stuff. 

Dr. Harry Cohen: Well, I know it has for me, this is not theoretical con. I know that I exude less negative expressions because I've been working on it 

Connie Fontaine: Right? 

Dr. Harry Cohen: I know of its damage. 

Connie Fontaine: Mm-hmm. 

Dr. Harry Cohen: like when you discover that something's really not good for you, you go, really? I didn't know that. Yeah, well it ain't good for you.

Ain't good for you or anyone else. So my a aware, like learning and awareness of that has helped me, propelled me, nudged me, and I hope this does to say, don't be so nasty and mean to yourself. This be the sun, not the salt metaphor is just as important. For ourselves, what we say kindly and sweetly to [00:04:00] ourselves when we make a mistake.

Have a couple of words ready to go in 

Connie Fontaine: Yeah, do. So 

Dr. Harry Cohen: say.

Connie Fontaine: we've talked about this. So here's mine. So I have had this, I've two or three times I've spilled an entire 32. Ounce glass of water in the morning. 'cause I fill it up. I'm doing too many things at once. And there was, and I was that person. Swear, get frustrated. Oh my God, how long is this gonna take to clean up?

And now it is. Anything like that? Huh? Well con that's good. Let's take it. I mean, I just, it's a completely different mindset now. It's like, Hmm, I did it again. It's all right. Fix it. Fine. Laughing at myself, I think is the way I'm, I'm handling it.

Dr. Harry Cohen: I love laughing at yourself, your own laughter at yourself, but what you notice, what you did, this is take right from the page of Ethan Cross's, you know, managing and regulating our emotions. This is distanced self-talk. 

Connie Fontaine: Mm-hmm. 

Dr. Harry Cohen: con, using your own name 

Connie Fontaine: Yep. 

Dr. Harry Cohen: own [00:05:00] self-talk to 

Connie Fontaine: Yep. 

Dr. Harry Cohen: Hey, let it go, dude. You got it.

Let it go, dude. Come on, Harry. Come on. Con. Those are beautiful ways. Ready to roll. 

Connie Fontaine: Mm-hmm. 

Dr. Harry Cohen: our pocket. Oh, well. Oh, well. At least it wasn't. Oh, well

Connie Fontaine: Yeah, you're right. Ethan Cross, if you're, if you're listening and you haven't listened to the Ethan Cross episode, that's a doozy. So go back and I'd listened to that one for all kinds of challenges in life. That's, so that, that was a really good reference point. The other one is, and I don't know. where this came from, I'm sure there's lots of research and, but just smiling.

I am very, that's one habit I picked up that's been very helpful to Me over the years is smiling when I'm feeling down, smiling, when I feel like I'm starting to feel anxiety build up for me. It helps me a lot that in that physical reaction changes the way I feel physiologically.

Dr. Harry Cohen: Me too. I love it. And do it a lot deliberately. I once got accused, how come you smile so much? And you know the answer is well. 'cause I know how good it is for me 

Connie Fontaine: Yeah. Feels good. It [00:06:00] feels good. 

Dr. Harry Cohen: I, didn't, I didn't say that, but I was thinking it. Another one that I do is, oh, well, oh, well, 

Connie Fontaine: oh, well, we go, yep. 

Dr. Harry Cohen: oopsie, 

Connie Fontaine: Start again. Let's start again. Yep. 

Dr. Harry Cohen: start again.

Oh, 

Connie Fontaine: Yeah, 

Dr. Harry Cohen: no big deal. Ferris wheel. 

Connie Fontaine: I like that. 

Dr. Harry Cohen: it to myself, I say it out loud. I, I literally lean into. Okay, what's the next thing I gotta do? What's the next right thing that I can do? are how we learn. Embrace them, welcome them. As long as they're not tragic. Nobody died. got hurt. let's just give this an opportunity for us to practice loving self-compassion better than we already do.

We already know how important it is. Let's lean into this one and cut ourselves some slack.

Connie Fontaine: So the stuff we've been talking about is the easy stuff. Nobody sees me spill my [00:07:00] water. Nobody sees me trip over something in the house. So we've practiced that. Let's say we're good at that. What about in when it gets harder, it's more public. You make a mistake, whether it's a work mistake, a personal mistake, I mean that those get a little harder sometimes to, you know, have some compassion for yourself. 

Dr. Harry Cohen: It is true. I just know that my ego is my enemy, not my friend. And so whatever it's about, it's about ego looking 

Connie Fontaine: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. 

Dr. Harry Cohen: whatever. Smart, 

Connie Fontaine: Right. 

Dr. Harry Cohen: together, 

Connie Fontaine: Yeah. 

Dr. Harry Cohen: it is, it's all ego. So what helps me? Is to know that my ego's been bruised, and that's okay.

Again, cut myself some slack. Remember this as a practice that I'm doing something very deliberately when I make a public error. 

Connie Fontaine: Mm-hmm. 

Dr. Harry Cohen: I'm doing is practicing publicly acknowledging, yeah, man, I screwed up. 

Connie Fontaine: Yep. 

Dr. Harry Cohen: about that. For all you who can [00:08:00] see me, I screwed up and I'm okay with it. you guys are 'cause I am.

Connie Fontaine: Yeah. I think that deliberateness, the intentional acknowledgement helps not just you but the people around you. Be comfortable with it and realize that you realize it and that you feel a certain way, whether it's feel bad, feel embarrassed, feel whatever. Acknowledge the emotion and I, I get, for me, it helps me know that people around me are looking at me like, it's okay.

You're usually the hardest critic on yourself versus other people. Um, and whether if it's impacting somebody else, an immediate apology, if You know how to apologize for the what you did well. If you haven't processed it yet enough, you might have to say, I'm not sure how that happened. I need to get back to you on that.

But making the point and not just walking away and hiding from it, um, that's the easiest way in the moment, but a lot harder to deal with later. So. So I agree. I, but that took a while. I think when I was younger, early in my career, I think I felt [00:09:00] it was a little tougher to, to call it out as a mistake if nobody else noticed yet.

But what a great gift And

how people respect you if you call out a mistake before they even notice it. I'm really sorry I did this. You're gonna hear something about it. Um, let me tell you what I think I need to do about it next. 

Dr. Harry Cohen: and I like what you said because. You know, you made the mistake. A lot of times people say, oh, it's no big deal. And not be a big deal to them, but it. is to you and that your standard, my standard is good enough and I'm okay with that, including my own self-compassion. So I don't, I'm gonna to make mistakes in my life and I hope I can continue to practice self-compassion when I do not.

If I do, 'cause I'm gonna.

Connie Fontaine: That's right. I think we all are, and I think that's why these Nudgey reminders are good for You and I, they're good for those that follow us and listen to, and follow along with this how to series. I love it. Um, and I think that's one of the good reminders for each of us, just this is, this is [00:10:00] something to practice.

We're all gonna make mistakes. So thanks for another great session. Harry, this was a, this was a good one. And thanks for listening everybody.

Dr. Harry Cohen: You are welcome.