#77 How Do I... Not Be the Salt?

What if the most powerful thing you did today was simply not say the snarky comment in your head? In this “How Do I…” episode of Be the Sun, Not the Salt, Dr. Harry Cohen and Connie Fontaine zoom in on the often-overlooked half of the heliotropic equation: learning how not to be the salt in big moments and tiny, everyday interactions. 

Here’s what you’ll hear:

• Why even one sarcastic eye-roll or extra “unnecessary sentence” can hit five times harder than a kind word. 
• How noticing what you don’t say or do can quietly transform your relationships at home and at work. 
• A simple 1% mindset that makes “being less salty” feel doable instead of daunting. 
• How tiny choices (biting your tongue, skipping gossip, resisting that jab) compound over time like behavioral interest. 
• The ripple effect of snark, gossip, and subtle disrespect when other people are watching and absorbing your energy. 
• Encouragement to apologize when needed, but to need those apologies less often as you practice. 

If you want to lower the emotional “toxicity level” you bring into rooms, conversations, and relationships, this episode offers clear, concrete nudges to help you be just a little less salty and a lot more intentional.

To explore the book, or for more episodes, information, tips and tools to live a more heliotropic life, visit us at bethesunnotthesalt.com and find us on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and TikTok.

Transcript

[00:00:00] 

Dr. Harry Cohen: Welcome to the next one in our series. How, how, how. How can I not be the salt in all circumstances? And I'm joined by my chief super spreader, Connie Fontaine. And we were just talking about this very simple topic. I can't wait to get into it. Connie?

Connie Fontaine (2): Well, I think, yeah, e, everyone always wants to talk about how to be the sun and how I was sunny today. It's so much easier to talk about the sun, and yet we've talked about this so often. We would never call you the book Be the Sun. The book is Be the Sun, not the Salt, because being not the salt is as important, if not more important than being the sun.

Dr. Harry Cohen: And if we could just leave the world with that little message and people got that it would be powerful because being salty in our words or [00:01:00] deeds or even our thoughts. It is really corrosive and toxic, and the tiniest things make a negative difference.

Connie Fontaine (2): Mm-hmm.

Dr. Harry Cohen: Just before we started. We were talking about something and I was going on and on and on about something that you, Connie said.

I know it was like, it was like five sentences that I did not need to say. It was salt on your roots. Now, you didn't say anything other than I know, but I got it in the split second. I don't need to add the five more sentences because

Connie Fontaine (2): it. 'cause you practice it

Dr. Harry Cohen: Well, yeah.

Connie Fontaine (2): we know it and we talk about it. I agree.

Dr. Harry Cohen: I caught myself. This one is profound for me that one of the greatest things that I have learned of late last, I don't know, several years.

What I don't say, don't think and don't do is fantastic. When I know it's not gonna be helpful, it's not gonna be necessary, and it'll only make somebody [00:02:00] upset even though it's true and I shut up. God do I love that? I've learned it.

Connie Fontaine (2): Well, and I think one of the things that I, we don't express often enough is the level. It's, it's so much more toxic that it's like five times your impact in a negative situation. You're five times more impactful with that negative than you are with a positive. And the way I always boil it down, and I think of a leader or a wife, uh, you know, if, if you're usually really great. Um, but you, every fourth, fifth time you're sprinkling in something snarky. Um, making fun of somebody, ignoring them. Roll your eyes, whatever it may be. that negates all the other good stuff you've done in the week.

that visual for me is to remind a manager, yeah, it does matter that you, that you screwed up. I know you're normally a nice guy, but yeah, it, you just ruined the rest. You ruined the week by being a jerk on Thursday,

Dr. Harry Cohen: Yeah, I know that I don't wanna be a jerk on Thursday. I know that I can be a jerk [00:03:00] on Thursday.

Connie Fontaine (2): Mm-hmm.

Dr. Harry Cohen: that my work in this area is to identify. And call out to myself. I don't need to announce it to the world. I didn't say the snarky thing. I was thinking it.

Connie Fontaine (2): Right?

Dr. Harry Cohen: I was thinking it for sure, but I give myself a lot of credit for not saying it.

The number of times that I don't say something tiny and unnecessary and salty to my wife or to my grown kids is remarkable. And what it also means is that I used to say that stuff.

Connie Fontaine (2): Right. And it does get easier if you practice just like everything else we talk about. And I think, I do think to a fault sometimes we talk more about, well, when you do screw up, you know, apologize, well do the next right thing. All of that is important and that's hard. That's, you gotta practice that too. But we also owe it to ourselves and to everyone around us to be salty less often.

Dr. Harry Cohen: Yeah, that's it.

Connie Fontaine (2): [00:04:00] Apologize less. Do it when you need to, but you should have to apologize less and less if you practice being more heliotropic.

Dr. Harry Cohen: Right, and that 1% that I'm going for 1% less salty, what's better? 1% less salty or 1% more sunny? Yes.

Dr Harry Cohen: I

Dr. Harry Cohen: like, I like being 1% less salty. Just literally don't say or do the thing that is going to make somebody else feel crappy. That would be easy to not do or do. That's the key. It's like, yeah, it'd be easy to say it.

I know. Don't

Connie Fontaine (2): right. So, so if you think about it in the moment and you can, the practice becomes partly like that would be five times harder on that person than it would be if I did something nice that in terms of energy level and the way you make them feel, that's. That's a pretty good way to start filtering yourself or myself.

Dr. Harry Cohen: exactly.

Connie Fontaine (2): the way I do it. It's about me, That's in this case too, it's not, it's not just about everybody else. It's about all of us little.

Dr. Harry Cohen: You betcha, and [00:05:00] that is a worthy goal. Just refrain from thinking, saying, and doing the salty thing just a little bit more. You know? Con, consider yourself victorious.

Connie Fontaine (2): That's right. And then 1% that obviously comes from James Clear it's if you can, if you can continue to make those 1% improvements, they obviously add up into much bigger than 1%.

Dr. Harry Cohen: And, and this is what I was thinking about lately. It might be overkill, but compound interest. If you put a dollar a day. Away. It grows over time. And the same is true with these compound behaviors. If you refrain from saying a snarky thing every single day that you used to say, lo and behold, you'll eventually become a lot less salty.

So.

Connie Fontaine (2): about the impact you have on others? You know, I think you know that, that whole idea of who sees it as well and who experiences it as well. If you are saying something snarky in front [00:06:00] of 1, 5, 10, 25 people, and each one of those take it away, with how they feel and how they may treat somebody else because of it.

I mean, that's a pretty big impact you can have on people positively or negatively.

Dr. Harry Cohen: So next time you see people you know, gossiping and talking. crap about somebody else. Just refrain from joining in, even though it would be easy to do it, you know, easy to join in the, yeah. You know what else is, you know what else? Just don't.

Connie Fontaine (2): Right, so salt is toxic. That's the idea here. You cannot minimize the impact you're having on other people just because you don't feel like it today. So salt is toxic. Let's all work hard at being less salty. When we make a mistake, we can try and correct it, do the next right thing, but in the meantime, let's be that 1% better today. Thanks for listening.