#80 This is about YOU (This is about ME)

Ever catch yourself thinking, “They should really listen to this podcast” or “If only they would read the book”? In this “whole shebang” episode of Be the Sun, Not the Salt, Dr. Harry Cohen and Connie Fontaine cut straight to the heart of the practice: this work is about you (or me), not fixing everyone else.

Here’s what you’ll hear:

• Why focusing on other people’s saltiness pulls you right into judgment, blame, and your own bad habits.
• How getting triggered by someone’s behavior is the signal you have work to do on your own reactions, not theirs.
• The gift of frustration as a cue to pause, regulate emotions, and choose “act, not react” instead of frothy annoyance.
• How rereading chapters, asking “How can I be my best self today?” and the “prehab” mindset prepare you for anything life throws at you.
• Real stories of letting go of “how come?” spirals, handling cancer diagnoses with gratitude, and turning treatment rooms into places of appreciation.
• A reminder that you control your state of mind and body, no matter what others do or don’t do.

This is the episode that ties it all together: stop pointing fingers outward and turn the energy toward becoming more of your best self every day. Perfect for a reset or anyone who needs the “kit and caboodle” in one listen.

Helpful Links:

• Be the Sun, Not the Salt book by Dr. Harry Cohen (read a chapter daily for your prehab practice)
• Ethan Kross episode on emotional regulation (distanced self-talk, cooling your jets, and metabolizing triggers)

To explore the book, or for more episodes, information, tips and tools to live a more heliotropic life, visit us at bethesunnotthesalt.com and find us on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and TikTok.

Transcript

[00:00:00] 

Dr. Harry Cohen: Welcome to our Be the Sun, not the Salt podcast. My name is Dr. Harry Cohen and I'm joined by my chief super spreader, Connie Fontaine. And this podcast is the whole shebang. This is it in a nutshell.

Connie Fontaine: You know, we've had, we, I think we've said that before, and yet without this episode or this topic, I think we would've missed, a real opportunity because I find myself slipping into this often. And the topic is really, you can't, you're not being the sun and being heliotropic if you're focused on other people and their behaviors. This is all about me when we talk about be the sun, not the salt, it's about me. Being my best version of myself, and we're asking listeners to think about that as well.

Dr. Harry Cohen: Literally, this is about you. Or as Connie would say, this is about me. You know, when [00:01:00] I am working on being the sun and not the salt, when I am deliberately and intentionally trying to be a positive energizer and a heliotropic person and not being salty. That's plenty for me to work on. When I start focusing and pointing my finger and thinking that this is about someone else.

You know, he or she really is quite salty. They could really use this book, this material. They should listen to this. We are missing the point. 'cause then we're in a blame, judgmental space. Mentally that's not the point. The focus is how, how, how can I be more heliotropic? 'cause I already am, how can I be less salty?

'cause I am sometimes to myself or to other people. And if people, if I, if people who are listening to this, remember, oh, right. This is about me. You can relax and say, I [00:02:00] got plenty to work on. Because immediately when we're judging and focusing on how other people should be listening to this or should be doing this, we miss the whole point.

Of course they should , but they ain't 

Connie Fontaine: Well, and if, and if you are focused on someone else's behavior, it's real easy to slip into your own bad habits. Or I'm gonna say, if I am focused on other people's behaviors, then I have the tendency to slip into our bad habits. And, and that was the point of this episode for us, is to stop talking about other people and what they do, but talk about ourselves.

Dr. Harry Cohen: And that last point, which you made, which is when you're thinking, talking, focusing on other people's behaviors, transgressions. We literally are being judgmental. You? No, no, no. I'm just, I'm not being judgemental, I'm being observant. I'm just being objective about their behavior really. You have any charge there?

Were you triggered by your ne negative behavior? Oh no. Not at all. I'm merely commenting. No, you were triggered and your being triggered is why [00:03:00] you have plenty to work on .

Connie Fontaine: Mm-hmm.

Dr. Harry Cohen: I am amazed, Connie, that at my late age in life that I still get triggered. What do I mean by triggered? Somebody does something and it gets me a little bit riled up inside.

When I say riled up, I'm not gonna do anything

Connie Fontaine: Mm-hmm.

that nasty, but I'm, a little bit, frothy right.

Dr. Harry Cohen: annoyed on the continuum of irritated, annoyed, angry. You know, what am I getting? What am I losing my equanimity for over him? Her doing that, not doing that, and I still do. I'm amazed.

I still do and great. All that means is, well then young man, you got more work to do. Yeah, I guess I do.

Connie Fontaine: Don't we all? Well, and you hear it? I say it often. Oh, I'm so frustrated. That person. They're so frustrating. And the reality is the minute you say, I am so frustrated, you feel it. It just becomes this contagion in your body of, Ugh. I'm gonna tell them. I'm gonna show them. They're so stupid. Yeah.[00:04:00] 

Dr. Harry Cohen: And this, this really goes back to that Ethan Cross episode we did about emotional regulation because everyone gets frustrated. So I shouldn't be so hard on myself when I get triggered slash frustrated. If I get frustrated, it should cue me to, uh, oh, something's going on. Now how do I. Cool my jets, calm myself down.

Take a step back and metabolize process. Think through and act, not react. That's the gift of this material. Whoa, I can do that. So more better now.

Connie Fontaine: Yeah. Speaking of gifts, I think Ethan Cross's episode was a real gift to the world. Um, he's, I mean, I know the books, there's everything out there, but this was a nice little digestible, um, point of view that I even used with somebody yesterday, um, in a conversation. I said, now, think back. Has this ever.

Caused you a problem before, is it going to in the [00:05:00] future? And I realized that what I was doing was taking 'em through the Ethan Cross, you know, points of view of these are ways you can handle this kind of stress. And so if you haven't listened to that episode as our listeners, please do. It's, it's a, a true gift.

Dr. Harry Cohen: And E even listening to any of our episodes and or rereading the chapters, which I do every morning to think about how can I apply this today for myself? And I don't always have an easy answer, and sometimes I really have to think about. Geez, how am I going to apply that The other day it was assumed positive intent and someone didn't do something that I thought they should, and I had a, a bit of a how come thing going on for quite some time until it I know, I know I did.

And it, and it, I dunno, it took me, I don't know, an hour or so to really let it go and, okay, maybe I can get it down for a [00:06:00] minute, or 10 seconds .

Connie Fontaine: do, I, I mean, we talk about that. I, we do. We have gotten those down. I, I speak for myself. I know that was very purposeful and one that you were very clear with me. Why are you letting that, and this is a specific situation I'm thinking of dragging your whole day down. Uh, gee, I don't know. 'Cause it's so bad. I'm so frustrated. It's like, well, it's not changing, so why? So it goes back to the easy control, what you can control. Um, but I like where you were headed. If this is an episode, that's the whole shebang. Then what it is, is how can I be the best version of myself? How can I practice this every day?

Dr. Harry Cohen: And that's how can I be the best version of myself every day? How about that? Is the kit in the caboodle, the whole shebang? Now, if you ask yourself, if we ask ourselves that, however we answer it, the answer is you're correct. In

Connie Fontaine: Mm-hmm.

Dr. Harry Cohen: other words , If you, if anyone listening says, well, how can I be my best self [00:07:00] today?

Whatever comes out of your mouth and whatever you do is the answer. Good. You got it. I didn't tell you whatever you just said. You know, I guess I should not say this snarky thing that I think way to go. I guess I should compliment someone who deserves it. 'cause it'll light them up. Way to go. That's the whole shebang.

Ask that question to yourself. How can I. Be my best self or more of my best self today . Mm.

Connie Fontaine: So Harry, everything you just said reminds me of your newly coined term prehab, which I love. Which means get ready. Be ready. Don't just wait for the worst things to happen.

Dr. Harry Cohen: This work is prehab. What do you mean? The more we, I work at this. The more I'm prepared when quote unquote, bad stuff happens, bad stuff of any kind. Small bad stuff. Tiny, tiny things. Like someone cuts you off on the highway, not no [00:08:00] big deal. Ferris wheel or big stuff, oh my God, just south the tragedy but bad.

You know what I mean? And. This work. So prepares us for when that occurs. I just recently got a, a, a what some people would call a a, a bad diagnosis. Okay. I'll just tell you, I have a type of cancer that recurs. It's a good cancer. It recurs. That's why you have to get it checked. And when they find it. They cut it out.

It's a, it's a, again, a good cancer. So when I got the recent diagnosis of, oh, it's back, great. That's why we do this. We can schedule your surgery accordingly. Awesome. I know that, I know that from this material. Many Years ago when I first got cancer, I was practicing this stuff when I would go and get treatment and I would be giving out the book and feeling like a million bucks while having cancer treatment. Well, how is that possible [00:09:00] Because of this material? Because it's what am I there for? I so appreciate the people taking care of me, and I would tell them that. I wouldn't have done done that before . is a good thing, so that no matter what happens to us, we're prepared in the prehab way.

Like okay, good thing I've been doing my exercises. 'cause I can be in a great state of mind and body.

Connie Fontaine: Yep. That's the analogy is I, we exercise so that our body's healthier so we can, we can heal faster. You fall, you're less likely to hurt yourself. It's, it's that prehab of our minds, um, that allows us to be strong and ready for those kinds of, you know, potential conflicts or things that happen.

Dr. Harry Cohen: exactly. And if you, if we can keep thinking about this as prehab and we are working at preparing for no matter what life throws at us, man, what a great way to live, period. In the present for the future, don't worry about the past. We got all what's ahead of us. [00:10:00] Use this, carry it with you. Use this mindset, this material, this stuff, however way you do, and ask yourself that question that you pose, which is, how can I be my best self today, no matter what in this, what anyone would say objectively difficult circumstance.

Connie Fontaine: It's all about me. Meaning it's not about Connie, but each one of us needs to look at our own self and reflect. This is about how I go through the world. Yes, there are people that are gonna do things we don't like. It doesn't mean we get to reflect on them. It's. Not worth it. It's not worth the time.

Reflect on how you're gonna react and, and the prehab that we've been doing through all of these episodes has certainly made my ability, my muscle, um, that I've created for myself and my reactions has gotten a lot stronger.

Dr. Harry Cohen: Love this.

Connie Fontaine: So for everyone listening, it's about you to think about how you personally can, react in the world a little better. And what's your prehab? Is it reading a chapter every day? Is it [00:11:00] listening to a random episode every day? We love to have you follow along and be the best version of yourself along with the work that we're doing to be the best version of ourselves.

Thank you for listening.