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The Rejuvenating Health Podcast
Join Women's Health Nurse Practitioner, Lindsey VanSchoyck for a weekly dose of Precision Medicine as she addresses the hot-button topics specific to Women's Health, Fitness and Nutrition, interviews expert guests and hosts round table discussions with the team of dedicated functional health care specialists.
The Rejuvenating Health Podcast
E133 | His Side: What Men Hear When You Try To Explain Your Health Journey
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Real talk, zero fluff: when a woman decides to change her body, her hormones, and her confidence, the relationship shifts. We invited Lindsey’s husband, Matt, to unpack what many men won’t say out loud: why your transformation can feel intimidating, how pride and problem-solving get in the way of support, and what actually helps a couple grow together instead of apart.
Matt shares their early story, recovering from eating disorders, leaving the military, opening a CrossFit gym and the moment a bag of Cheetos became a wake-up call to rise with his wife rather than watch from the couch. We get specific about the sticky parts: how to talk about investing in a health program without a money fight, what details men listen for (process, value, outcomes), and why translating goals into shared benefits, energy, intimacy, presence, creates buy-in. You’ll hear how to set boundaries around routines and food without shaming each other, plus a simple question that reduces conflict fast: “Do you want solutions or support?”
We also go deeper into the male mindset. Matt names the quiet fear:“Am I enough?” that can make growth feel like a threat and shows how reframing comparison turns it into a shared win. He’s clear on what men actually care about: and you might be surprised to hear what that really is. Tune in for that and so much more inside the mind of a man on this episode of the Rejuvenating Health Podcast.
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Setting The Stage: A Man’s View
SPEAKER_03Lindsay. And we have a special guest today that we're very excited about, and one that this is an episode that we wanted to do for a little while, but we have Lindsay's husband on board today, Matt Van Choyc. And we want to get a man's perspective on a couple of things. We talk a lot about, you know, women's health and hormones and mindset and all the things, but we want to zoom out and kind of see what this journey looks like, this health journey from a man's perspective. So we're gonna we're gonna get a look at that today. I'm very excited.
SPEAKER_01I'm nervous.
SPEAKER_02I'm kind of nervous too. Who knows what's gonna come out? But I mean, like when women start changing their bodies, right? Whether it's losing weight or healing their hormones or getting stronger, you know, just boosting their confidence, it definitely affects their confidence and can affect their relationship and even how they communicate with their partner. Um that this is definitely, I think as I've grown and like and gave a lot of confidence, I know it's definitely changed our relationship. Like we've had talks about this before. Like when we first got married, I was just I feel like timid, no confident girl that and now is not the case. And I'm sure Matt can speak on that. Yeah.
Matt’s Backstory And Their Early Years
SPEAKER_03So Matt, why don't you uh introduce yourself to the listeners, kind of give us some insight on um kind of what what you do currently, and um, you know, we're excited to hear, we're we're excited to hear from you. Don't be nervous, we won't bite.
SPEAKER_00Okay.
SPEAKER_01Well, I I know her. Um I'm Matt Van Shoyc. Uh Lindsay and I have been married for 16 years. Got that number right? Yes 16 years? Yeah, yeah, 16 years. Um I run a CrossFit gym called CrossFit Final Call here in my hometown or our hometown, Robinson, Illinois. Um we opened the gym in, I mean, originally it was 2017 when we were running classes out of our garage and opened our first like official location in 2018. Um and I I I mean that's that's what I do now. I've been through several iterations of things that I've done. Um, I've done some business mentoring, some online coaching, some mindset coaching, uh just lots of different stuff. Um so Lindsay and I have kind of been through quite a bit uh over the last 16 years. I mean, like she said when when we first got together, uh I think both of us were. Am I okay to start getting into this?
SPEAKER_04Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01Okay. I think both of us were in a place where we needed the strength of the other person. Is that fair?
SPEAKER_02Yeah, that's fair. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. I mean Lindsay was Lindsay was going through some um eating disorder stuff that she was recovering from. I was dealing with a lot of like PTSD type stuff, uh, definitely like some alcohol problems. And I I think that's kind of what made us gel so well together was you know, where where I was weak, she was strong, where she was weak, I was strong, and we really complimented each other in that way. Um But yeah, she was a very, very timid soul when we first got together. And I think that like there was there was like a part of me that that needed that, like um, I needed to take care of like a puppy. You know, like I needed that puppy to take care of.
SPEAKER_03Um, because at that time, if you if you were in a situation where you were still growing and navigating challenges that you were having, if you were to have a woman that came in that was already very self-assured of herself, that would have been a big challenge for you. You know, you needed to be able to be in that in that leadership role in that way at that time.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, yeah, for sure. I mean, she if I I mean we have just grown, I think both of us have just grown and changed so much over the last 16 years. I I don't know. I mean, I think if I would have met Lindsay today, being the man that I was back then, I would have been super intimidated by her.
Why Women Change And What Men Hear
SPEAKER_03Of course. Look at it, she's a boss. So I wanna I wanna start with the why behind why women start their journey and kind of how that looks from a male's perspective, right? So women come into rejuvenating health or they reach out to us saying things like, you know, I want to lose weight, I don't feel comfortable in my body anymore. But as we talked about on the previous episode, getting deeper rooted into the why behind that, what's underneath of it, is usually something more like, I want to feel confident again, like you said, right? Speaks of that confidence or a lot of times it's I want to feel desired, maybe by my partner. And so, Matt, when you hear that from a woman, right, what does it sound like to a man when a man hears something like that?
SPEAKER_00Um man, I you know, it's been a it's wow, that is a crazy question.
SPEAKER_03Well, I know, right? Like Lindsay's been through a couple iterations of wanting to make changes, right? And so even recently, where she she's had another, you know, transition into this season of life and she has made more changes, right? And that was something that she wanted to do. And I'm assuming you guys had conversations around while that was in process. What did that feel like for you to witness that or to hear her say that she wanted to change?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I think I I can I can see how a lot of guys would be um intimidated by that, by their their spouse wanting to make these big changes in in her life. Um, because it kind of makes you wonder like, okay, well, what does that mean about me? Like, where where do I fit into that? Um and I think that part of what has made Lindsay and I work so well together was that I learned early that we need to change and we need to grow together. So I can remember very clearly when Lindsay and I first got together, like she was a runner. She would go out and just like run forever and just run, run, run. And I wasn't doing anything. So I'd gotten out of the army and I got super lazy. And I was like, it's literally this is what happened. She was going out for a run. I was sitting on the couch with a bag of Cheetos on my belly, and I'm like, I'm like munching down on these Cheetos, probably watching a football game. And uh she says, I'm gonna go for a run. I'm like, okay, have a good time, you know? And as soon as the door closed, it like it was like the door slammed in my face, and I was like, hey dude, like you should probably do something to take care of yourself too. Um and that was that was a really early realization for me was that it wasn't necessarily that I was trying to keep up with her, but I wanted to grow with her because I knew that's what she was trying to do. So if you're scared to grow, or if you're scared to make those changes for yourself, like it's you're gonna have a hard time when you're when your wife comes to you and says, Hey, I want to do this thing. So I would challenge any dude to look inwardly when his wife comes to him and says, Hey, this is something that I'm thinking about doing, or something um that I feel like I need to do. Take a moment of self-reflection and and kind of gauge, like, hey, where am I at with this stuff? Maybe this is something that I need to do for myself as well.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, like leaning into that mirror, right? Because anytime we're triggered by someone else's behavior, it's usually because it's saying something about ourselves or we're making it mean something about ourselves, and we may not have awareness around that. I want to speak specifically to uh the aesthetic piece of this, right? Because that's something that's important to a lot of women. But I I don't think that most women know that the same things that we care about are not the same things that men care about as far as uh external validation, right? So, so like when women say that they want to change their body and men are hearing that, right? Like the things that you would imagine that um women would want to change as far as like, oh, like I'm not comfortable with my belly, or like I don't like the way that I look in these jeans, or you know, things like that. What are the things that men hear and they're like, oh, that just like I don't get it. That doesn't sound like I can't understand.
Intimidation, Growth, And Growing Together
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Um I mean, I don't know that I've ever dealt with any like body image issues necessarily. Like I've been bigger, I've been smaller than I am right now, and it's never like body composition has never been like a this huge goal for me personally. And I think a lot of guys probably go through that. Like, I don't really care how I look in the mirror as long as my wife is happy, kind of a thing, you know. Um and I don't know, I I think deep down somewhere though, those guys know that hey, I don't I don't look good, these jeans are tight, like I don't feel as good as I used to, you know, 20 years ago or 10 years ago or five years ago. And um there I think there can be a little bit of fear that creeps in for a man when he hears his wife talking about, hey, I wanna I wanna get thin or or I wanna lose weight and you know I wanna I wanna carry a little bit of muscle, like she's she wants to look good, you know? And well, what happens if she starts looking too good? Like if she you know, if she starts looking too good, is she gonna is she gonna like step away from me? You know?
SPEAKER_02So Yeah, I think like I mean I I I mean I don't know that we've ever had this conversation, but like obviously my body has changed a lot in the last year. And I don't think Matt and I I don't like we didn't sit down and have a conversation a year ago that was like, hey, I I really want to change the aesthetics of my body, right? And if I would have had that conversation with him, I I think he would have understood, but I think he would have been like, wow, you look fine, right?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, uh for sure. Like I'm super happy with you no matter how you look.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Like I it doesn't make it doesn't make a difference to me what size your jeans are. It doesn't make a difference to me what size t-shirt you wear. Like that's not the I mean, don't get me wrong. I like it. Okay. I do, but that's not like the determining factor for me of like how important you are to me.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, so I guess oh if I would have gone to you and been like, you know, I'm not super happy with how my body looks, I want to spend money on this program. You I would have just done it because that's how I am. So this is a probably different conversation than most women have. But a lot of women are like, my partner doesn't get it. Like he rolled his eyes when he said I'm starting this program. Like from a man's point of view, like, why is I guess do you because it's something that you should be able to do on your own.
SPEAKER_01Because like we fix, we're it's like ingrained in me to go and solve my own problems. Like I don't want someone else, I don't want someone else to help me figure out how to work out. Like I don't want someone else to help me do what I don't want someone else to help me cut down the tree. Like I want to do that on my own. You know what I'm saying? Like, if that's a change that needs to be made, like I can do that. And I think that that is in our nature, we're just wired to be problem solvers. I mean, that that's certainly a problem that Lindsay and I run into constantly is she comes to me to just let go and and talk about things, and I'm like, okay, well, what's going on here? What's going on there? Like, and I want to help her solve those problems. Like, I don't want her to go to someone else to help her solve that problem. So I I you know, I don't know. I think, you know, when I think about the gym, I've had several women that would come and join the gym and then go home and talk to their husband, and their husband would be like, Well, why don't you just work out with me?
SPEAKER_04Mm-hmm.
SPEAKER_01You know, like I can take care, I can, I can help you with, and I'm gonna say right now, that's a terrible idea. Like I I've tried to coach I've tried to coach Lindsay before, and it just it never goes well.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, and so this could it could be uncovering, right? And this is this is gonna be the case with anything, but it's gonna uncover uh probably deeply rooted relationship dynamics that need to come to the surface anyway.
SPEAKER_01So I I think like at the at the like kind of the base level of all of this, like when a when a woman is worried, and man, I don't know, I don't I don't want to ruffle too many feathers here, but I think I'm going to ruffle them.
SPEAKER_03We're here to ruffle feathers.
Aesthetics, Body Image, And Male Fears
SPEAKER_01I think I feel like if you can't go to your husband and say, Hey, this is something that I really want, this is something that I really need, and he doesn't get on board with that, there are definitely deeper relationship issues that you guys have that you need to deal with. Um and I'm not saying that Lindsay and I are a perfect couple, but like I'm not gonna stop her from trying to better herself. Like, that's just selfish to me.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, but it's a time for you to be able to be in that place, right? So, like what you were speaking to before, there could be multiple ways that a man could get triggered in that conversation that he may not even be aware of. One of like what you just spoke to of if you need a solution to a problem, why are you not asking me? What does that say about me if I'm not the one that you come to to solve your problem? And B, also, what does that mean about me if I'm not having the discipline or I'm not trying to better myself? Am I um being called forward? And sometimes that doesn't feel very good.
SPEAKER_01No, it doesn't. And I, you know, that that for a man is a completely different issue because we do walk around all the time thinking, like, I'm the man, I can do this, I don't need anyone's help. And the truth is that's not true. Like, you cannot go through this life alone. And I mean, I so I'm a Christian and I believe that my strength comes from Christ, and I know that every time that I try to go out and do it on my own and just leave Jesus to the side, that's when I fail. But every time I walk the path that Jesus has laid out for me and we walk side by side down that thing, I know that that is where I'm the strongest. And I know that that's true also with my wife. When when I separate myself from her and try to do this on my own, I typically don't come out so successful. Um but when she and I are partnered in whatever it is that we're doing, it's almost always successful. And and success is you know defined differently for everybody, and I guess it depends on what it is that you're trying to accomplish, how you would define success. But always working together is better than working apart from one another. And that's a um it's an ego issue, it's uh it's a pride issue for a lot of men, and letting go of your pride is a really, really challenging lifelong process.
SPEAKER_03For us all, not just for men. For us all for sure.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_03What do you think? So um another that leads me to a question that I think is important, right? So when it comes to the way that a man views that conversation, a woman comes to him and says, There's something that I want to change. Essentially, I'm uh expressing a problem that I have. I feel that I found a solution that is outside of you, which may trigger something in you. And it's also gonna be a big financial investment that may impact us both, right? But it's something that's important to me. Most of the time, men are not viewing that the same as women because women are tying the emotional ROI to it, and men are seeing, like, okay, just you know, the budget, the time investment, like the fact that we could do this ourselves, right? Like that we could solve for this. So, what would be information that would be helpful for a woman to bring to the table in broaching this conversation with her partner? What does a man need to hear essentially to be like, okay, I can I can get on board with this. I understand. What is the information that he needs?
Programs, Money, And Making The Case
SPEAKER_01Yeah, so I know that I always hear Lindsay better when she approaches me with logic and process. Like if she can logically walk me through like how this purchase and what like what result this is gonna lead to, and like how that's gonna happen, like that helps me wrap my head around what's going on. Um, so I I think maybe understanding some of the details of of what the program is or what it is that she's gonna do, rather than just coming to me and saying, hey, this thing's gonna cost five thousand dollars or whatever, right? Like, I'm like, whoa, wait a minute. What do you mean? Well, okay, well, what comes along with that$5,000? Because I guarantee you there are dudes walking around that have ten thousand dollar AR-15s in in their closet, right? And they've spent all of this money on this stuff, but they can tell you about every little detail of it and how that little detail um makes the what what's the word that I'm looking for here? It's not the cost, it's the uh the value stack. It makes yeah, it makes the value of that gun, like this is why it costs that much, because this thing does that, and that thing does that.
SPEAKER_03They can substantiate it.
SPEAKER_01Right. Yeah, right, yeah.
SPEAKER_03Okay, and then it needs to be in your language, right? So because there's two the two factors at play here, women don't see things that way. Like we know that we see that emotionally, yeah. It's a exactly it's like I don't care about any of the any of the hows, right? I need to know what is gonna happen. I just need the outcome, I need it to be the solution to the problem that I'm portraying. Men are like, I need to know all the hows and the whys and all the everything that's included so I can substantiate it. So knowing that if a woman's going and saying, okay, these are all the things that I'm getting with this program, still, I think a man is gonna be like, I don't know. Well, why is the output that you yeah.
SPEAKER_01Why do you need that? Like, why do you need why do you need that thing? Why do you need it to be like that? I mean, yeah.
SPEAKER_03So how could what outcome could be m both important to the man and the woman in that relationship?
SPEAKER_01Well, I can I can tell you like really quickly, if my if Lindsay comes to me and she says, Hey, I'm gonna join this program, and at the end of this program, we're gonna have more sex, or you're gonna see me naked more often, or whatever that is, like, okay, sign me up. You know what I mean?
SPEAKER_03Like, that's true. Yeah, so that's important, right? Because we have to keep that in mind. If we're going to our husbands and we're like, okay, so I'm gonna do this program, and um, I I just don't feel good about myself right now, and I'm gonna I'm gonna feel more confident and um it's gonna be about six months, but it costs$7,000. And he's like, What the fuck are you talking about? Right?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, why why are you doing that?
unknownRight.
SPEAKER_01Well, because at the end of this program, you're gonna see me in my bikini out by the pool more often, or we're gonna spend more time alone. I'm like, oh yeah, I want to.
SPEAKER_03And that requires vulnerability too, right? Being able to say, like, maybe you see me differently than I see myself right now, but when I see myself in a way that I'm more comfortable, I am gonna be able to show up differently when we're together, you know, yeah. I'm gonna be able to feel more comfortable in my skin to be able to be more intimate with you in ways that right now I'm not, I might not be comfortable being. And if you haven't had that conversation, right, to your point earlier, if you haven't had the conversation, if your partner doesn't know that you're uncomfortable in your skin when you're together or when you're being intimate, or even when it's non-sexual physical intimacy, right? How many women have you heard Lindsay say, like, oh, you know, I don't even want my partner to touch me or like wrap his hands around me because I don't want him to touch my belly, right? If your husband doesn't know that, then he's not gonna understand.
SPEAKER_01See, I didn't even know that was a thing. What what you just said, like I didn't even know that was a thing. Like it would have never it would have never in a million years occurred to me that I could make Lindsay uncomfortable just by wrapping my arms.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. And how many women have that experience and never say anything?
SPEAKER_01You have to remember we're really dumb. Like we're dumb. I mean, it's true. It just is. We like we just don't think like that.
SPEAKER_02And just don't have the body image issues. Like men, like most men just don't have the body image issues that women.
SPEAKER_00But you have to break it down in chapter and verse.
SPEAKER_03Look at the you know, the gold standard of what a woman's body is supposed to look like as portrayed by cultural norms. It's like that's not happening as much for men. It does happen, and there are definitely men that feel a certain kind of way about it, and I totally understand that. I don't want to diminish that, but for women, it's by and far significantly more outweighed as to what is acceptable as the like an aesthetic and versus what is not.
Support Vs. Solutions: Speaking Clearly
SPEAKER_01Well, I I here I can tell you this like it would make a big difference to me if Lindsay walked up and like sat me down and told me about all of the ways that she feels bad about herself and like all of the things that just make her not not even want to go outside. You know what I'm saying? Like that I would have I it just would not occur to me that those are even issues. Like, I think Lindsay knows this. I have a really hard time when she was going through her eating disorder stuff. Like, I just can't wrap my head around how that happens to someone. Like, I love I love food. You know what I mean? Like, I'm there's like I it just doesn't make sense to me in in my manly brain how how you can do that to yourself. And I don't know, I don't know that that's something that I'll ever really truly understand, but I can I can get on her emotional level when she talks about the way that it made her feel because I don't want my wife to feel bad. Like I don't I don't want her to be sad or upset or depressed or any of those things. So knowing knowing those things about her would make a big difference for me too. But like it would have to be like a real intimate conversation, and you're gonna have to lay it out for me chapter and verse. Like you cannot expect that I'm going to understand anything that comes out of your mouth. Like you're gonna have to explain it to me like you're talking to a toddler because otherwise I won't get it.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, but I think as a woman, I don't need you to understand all of it, right?
SPEAKER_01I need you to do if you want the money.
SPEAKER_02Okay, we got past the money issue. Um, but I need you to support it, right? And I think yeah, the I I feel like there's a huge disconnect in women and men that from women in our program that the men say they're gonna support their wife, but the support isn't there for sure. So, like, as a woman, how do you have that conversation with your man, with your husband that I need you to support me through? That's right. Like it's like for we know that this isn't an issue for me. Like, I can order pizza for the kids every freaking night and not touch a piece of it. But for most women, that is not the case, right?
SPEAKER_03And so it's yeah, and so if their husbands coming around with like, hey, let's have movie night and we're gonna, you know, he's got a huge bowl of chips or like, you know, whatever, whatever's happening, puppy chow, whatever people are snacking on, right? It's like popcorn. If that's always present, it's like, hey, we're gonna have, you know, Ben and Jerry's pints while while we watch Netflix, like that's very difficult if that's always the present environment. But to Matt's point, what he said earlier is important, right? It's like you have to ask for the support, yeah, and you have to be specific about what it is that you need.
SPEAKER_01Understanding helps me support.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_01You know, you know what I'm saying? Like we were Wendy, we were having uh conversation in the car last night on the way to Gunners football game, and you're telling me about this stuff that's going on, and I like have to like dick to try to understand so that I can figure out how to support. Because like you just come at me with all of these emotions and like, dude, I don't get it.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. But I think as a woman, like we I struggle with that. Like, I I don't want to sit here and explain why it's bothering me. Like, I just want to like, but then it is hard for you to support.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, like I I don't get it. Like, I'm just like, well, quit feeling that way. Like, why is that so hard?
Boundaries At Home And Environment
SPEAKER_03Yeah, and I I I think sometimes we can come to a stalemate where it's like I want to feel understood and seen, and the other person is trying to solve for a problem. And it's like we're just not speaking each other's language to be able to come to a mutual understanding. And so if I could shift the goal a little bit, right, to be like, okay, can I help him to see my perspective and also give the caveat up front? Like, I'm not looking for a solution, right? Like, I don't need to solve for this problem right now. I just again be specific about what you want and what you need and be able to start getting comfortable voicing that. I need you to validate my experience. I need you to make it make me feel like I'm not alone in this, that I'm not crazy, that there's nothing wrong with me for feeling this way. That's what I need right now. That's what support feels like for me right now.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, and I think that, you know, on our side, we can do a much better job of recognizing how uh quick we are to problem solve, and that that is not always what you're looking for from us. And like there, there have been times, you know, when I've had to ask Lindsay, like, hey, are you do you want me to help you solve a problem right now? Or are you just trying to talk to me? Or like, are you looking for like a like a mentor in this thing? Like, how is it like where is this conversation going?
SPEAKER_03Because that's clarify.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, that really helps me to know where what my role in this conversation that we're about to have is. Um, otherwise, a dude, I promise you, is just gonna be quick to start solving.
SPEAKER_00Like, here's the problem, here's the solution, here's the problem, here's the solution.
SPEAKER_03Let's backtrack to like the supportive environment really quick, because I do I do want to call attention to something that is does happen more prevalently, prevalently than not, and it's not the case in your household, right? But let's say Lindsay did have a hard time resisting indulgences and it started to negatively impact you, right? Because you enjoy ice cream, ice cream's not having a negative effect on you. She has a hard time abstaining from ice cream when you have it around her, and she's like, hey, Matt, it would really mean a lot to me if you wouldn't eat ice cream until after I go to bed because I have a hard time not having it. It's really not a part of my program right now. It's not helping me. I don't feel good when I eat it, and I'm trying not to have it as often. And you're like, well, what the fuck? Like, I want to have ice cream when we're watching TV. Like, if it starts to negatively impact you or have to cause a change in your behavior, how do you process that? How do you how do you navigate that conversation?
SPEAKER_02So I think we can flip this, I think we can flip this into our life though, because it might not be food, but I am very anal about my routines, right?
SPEAKER_03No.
SPEAKER_02And so it does affect Matt, right? To the point where like I am gonna go to the gym at 5 a.m. I don't give a shit what you have going on, you're gonna have to take care of the kids. Like, and I'm very selfish and anal in that way. So we don't have the food situation, but I am very anal in my routine and stuff like that, and it does affect Matt. I don't know what the question is there.
SPEAKER_03So, Matt, what is your what is your side of that, like your perspective, and what is a way that you guys um are able to not have that be a a source of conflict continuously?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I mean, well, I think first of all, you have to recognize that if you are married, you're going to have conflict.
SPEAKER_04Period.
SPEAKER_01It's gonna happen. So learning to navigate conflict in general is like the first step in like this whole thing. Um, but yeah, I mean, for for our case specifically, I it does get frustrating sometimes. Um I think more than anything, I get frustrated with your bedtime.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
Discipline, Leadership, And Ego
SPEAKER_01Like it's it's not it's not it's not the getting up early in the morning and going to the gym. It's the crashing out at 6 45. Like that's gonna happen, period, no matter what. Um and it did take some time for me to adjust, and I think the harder part about it was that I'm not like a super Morning type person. Like I I you know, I stay up later in the evenings. Like I go to bed at like 10 o'clock. Um, and I look at that period of time between let's call it 8 30 and 10, where I'm just kind of like hanging out by myself in the house. Like I use that time now for you know my own personal development, getting into my Bible, reading books, or whatever it is. So I found ways to fill that time for myself. Um, but there was a long time where I would get really frustrated, like, yo, we could be hanging out together at this time. So I think I think for us it's more about just being really intentional with our time together when we do have it, and me recognizing that that's not about me. It's not about me, it's about her. And if that's what she needs to do to feel good about herself, to make sure that she's doing the things that are gonna help drive her forward in the direction that she's going, I that's the thing that I want to support. Like I want her to feel good, I want her to be happy, I want her to be healthy because I know that when Lindsay is happy and healthy and feels supported, then she contributes back to the family.
SPEAKER_03Yes. Yes, so you can recognize the net benefit for both of you in the end.
SPEAKER_01Right. But it you have to take an unselfish point of view because initially you're gonna make it about you. What do you mean I can't have any ice cream? Like, you can't tell me I can't have this, but you know, if you can think longer term about this thing and take a little bit of ownership and responsibility in it, like it might not be your fault, but it is your responsibility as the man of the house to make sure that everyone is taken care of in the way that that they need to be taken care of. And in this season, this is the way that my wife needs to be taken care of or looked after, and this is the role that I play in that thing. Well, that's just your job as the man of the house, dude.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, and uh the um the discipline I think says a lot, right? Like there's something that is that's a non-negotiable for me and a partner. And part of it is because I have a lot of discipline. I don't have as much discipline as Lindsay does, but I'm I'm very, very disciplined, right? Discipline in a man shows me the way that you lead. If you do not have the discipline to care for yourself, then how the hell are you gonna care for me or a family? Right. And so that again, another trigger that could potentially come up when someone draws a boundary that's asking you to change your behavior. It's like, can you reflect and say, okay, where is this behavior rooted to begin with? And am I feeling a certain kind of way about, you know, what does this say about me if I have to change it?
SPEAKER_01Well, I think you you're kind of getting to the root of every man's fear is the qu the question of am I enough? Right? Am I am I am I enough as a father? Am I enough as a husband? Am I enough as the leader of the family? And when the wife is the one that has to start doing things that make you probe yourself in that way, that's a scary thing to go through as as a as a man, as as the leader of a household. Because then that question rises to the surface.
SPEAKER_03You know, I think that's really important though, Matt, and I'd like you to speak to that more because I I would say that most women do not realize that that is the thought pattern that comes up for most men because we associate that that thinking of I'm not enough to be something that women struggle with and not something that men struggle with. So I'd like you to elaborate on that a little bit, please.
Am I Enough: Masculinity And Pressure
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I mean, I you know, we are tasked to be the protect the protector and the the provider, the spiritual leader of the home. Um everything that happens under my roof is my it's that's my kingdom, that's my domain, that's that is my area of responsibility, it's my area of operation, is what I would call it, right? Like everything that happens here is is is my my responsibility. And if something is out of line with um, I'm not I'm not quite sure how to say this. If something is out of line, then I'm almost immediately going to come back to myself and go, whoa, whoa, how did this thing get there? Right? Like what have I missed in my leadership or my ability to lead my family in order for this thing to be happening? And then you're then you then you find yourself laying in bed at night when everyone's asleep. I mean, maybe it's 7.15 and the room is dark, and um you you start to you start to go through all of those places of your area of responsibility, and you go, well, okay, if well if I'm missing here, you know, if my wife isn't happy, if my wife doesn't feel good about herself, like that's part of my job, is to help her be happy, is to help her feel good about herself. Like, I'm not saying that I'm responsible, like it's not my job to make you happy, but it is part of my responsibility. I don't know if that there's a good separation there. I think you have to find your own way to be happy, but I can support you in that, and I can be a part of that that happiness. Um yeah, I mean it can be a really scary thing when when your masculinity gets put up to the test like that, because every guy is going to think of his masculinity in that way. Like, I'm not okay, if if things are falling apart in this corner of the of my life and things are falling apart in that corner of my life, well, what does that mean? Am I am I man enough to be able to do this job? And that's it.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, and some people don't handle that pressure very well.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_03I think uh I think that's important for women to have that understanding, and sometimes that's not always shown to us. Like a lot of times, a lot of the women that I work with uh will start to see their partner as the villain in their story, right? Because of experiences that really have been miscommunicated. And I do an exercise a lot called like rose-colored lenses, right? And if like if you could be really intentional about the way that you see your partner and choosing to see them through rose-colored lenses when you're going into interaction with them. So I would challenge women of this, right? If you are struggling to talk to your partner about something that you want to change in yourself because it feels too vulnerable or you feel like they'll make fun of you, or you know, whatever it is, whatever the challenge is. If you were to take what Matt just said into consideration around the weight that men hold in that responsibility of their home and their marriage and their family, and recognize that that weight feels really heavy either way, right? Either I'm not rising to the occasion and that weight feels uh extremely heavy, or I am rising to the occasion and the weight is still there, right? Because then I have to maintain it. So it's heavy either way for men. I don't think we consider that. But if we could take that as the foundation that we start from coming into the conversation, I think we can um set the stage for much more potential for understanding from both people.
SPEAKER_02I mean, like when whenever either person in the relationship goes on a transformation journey, it's gonna affect the other person, right? And you either I mean, Matt and I have seen this talk like he'll rise up and then I'll have to rise up. Like it's constantly but that is the beauty and being in a relationship too, is pushing each other to get better. But if you and we've had to learn that and grow through that in our marriage, right? Like there's been times when one of us is like skyrocketing and the other one feels like they're getting left behind, right? Yeah, but if if you low than that of like I'm getting left behind type of scenario, then you're not helping your relationship at all. It's like, okay, well, how can I rise up a little bit to support my partner and kind of how can we work through this and grow together? Because we've been through tons of periods that of that in our marriage.
Comparison Traps And Shared Wins
SPEAKER_01Yeah, how much comparison do you think happens there? Right? Where like Lindsay's Lindsay's taken off and she's doing this crazy thing with rejuvenating health, and I'm just running this little podunk gym here in the middle of nowhere, Illinois. You know what I'm saying? And like when you s when you start to compare like how much money does rejuvenating make versus how much money does CrossFit Final Call make, well, there's a pretty significant difference there. And if that's and if that's where I'm putting my worth is in how much money she's making versus how much money I'm making, well, that's definitely gonna take a hit. Like my my my manhood doesn't like that, but it's not about that, right? It's about seeing each other excel in the place that you or or the place that they're in. So God has put Lindsay in a place with rejuvenating health to be able to reach all of these thousands and thousands of women, and she is excelling in that place. God has put me in a place in the middle of the cornfield where I have my hands on these 75 or 80 people, and even though it's not this great big number, I'm able to make an impact in these people's lives that's gonna last generations, right? So it's not like I think that that comparison game can get in the way a little bit too.
SPEAKER_03For sure. It's all about the story that you tell yourself about it, right? Because it's like I could either compare those metrics, which that's like comparing apples to oranges, like you said, right? Or I could say, we're both on really amazing entrepreneurial journeys, and which is the biggest exercise in personal development that you'll ever undergo, right? And we're both able to witness each other's growth and challenge each other in healthy ways. Yeah, like when someone's up here, can I pull the other person up as opposed to you know shying away from that?
SPEAKER_01Yeah. And and I can imagine as or if I think back to the that day when I was eating these Cheetos on the couch when Lindsay was going out for that run, I was playing that comparison game in my head. You know, like here's this lady that's like crazy fit and she's healthy and she's doing all this stuff to take care of herself. And here I am, like, I can literally feel myself getting fatter with every bite that I take. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Well, if I And how easy would it have been to take a deeper dive into the couch and the Cheetos, right? To retreat and be like, you know, this doesn't feel good, and I'm gonna keep avoiding it.
SPEAKER_01Yep. Yeah. And and but there was a this moment where I'm like, you should probably like, she might leave you if you stay like that. You know, and that was I'll I'll be honest with you, that was a big shift in my head where I was like, okay, she's doing this thing. I'm afraid that I'm gonna lose this woman if she gets too far away from me in that. And I think that is a real thing that men are gonna deal with also. Like, is my wife gonna get too hot for me?
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Like for real. I mean, I I I will I bet you that almost every guy is asking, well, you I can't you can't get too good looking. You can't lose too much weight because then you might run away from me. And that's again a pride and an ego issue that the man needs to learn to deal with inside of himself before he projects that onto his wife.
SPEAKER_03Yes, for sure. For sure. So just to kind of bring it home, I want to I want you to talk about what men don't care about versus what they do care about, to summarize it when it comes to like what women want to want to see in their body image, right? Like, do men care about abs?
SPEAKER_01Oh no, it's hard for me to say that because my wife has awesome abs.
SPEAKER_02Um Okay, but not always.
SPEAKER_01It would I it would not make a difference for me if if Lindsay had abs or not. It's again, it's not it's not necessarily it's not her physical appearance. I mean, that is part of the attraction, but that's not why I love my wife.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Right? So whether she has abs or whether she doesn't have abs, I'm still going to love my wife.
SPEAKER_03Would you ever know the number on the scale if she didn't tell you?
SPEAKER_01No. No, I have no idea. Yeah, and I wouldn't have any idea what size pants she wears or like I I don't know any of that stuff. Like every time I have to, like, if if I'm gonna buy Lindsay clothes for Christmas, like I have to ask her what size do you wear? Yeah, you know what I mean? Like, I have no idea, and I don't care. It doesn't make a difference to me. I don't even know what it means if I'm being 100% honest with you.
What Men Actually Care About
SPEAKER_03Well, because our sizes are completely different than you.
SPEAKER_02They change at every brand, too.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, yeah. Like I it doesn't, it it's just a number to me.
SPEAKER_03What do you care about? What's the most important thing?
SPEAKER_01I think the most important thing to me is for Lindsay to know that she is loved and that there's nothing that she could ever do that would ever change that. And I promise I'm not trying to win brownie points here. Um there's there's no success so big or failure so so big that would change the the way that I feel about her. There's no pants size, there's no abs, there's there's nothing that she can do to change the way that I feel about her.
SPEAKER_03And how important would it be for her to be able to see herself through that lens?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, right. I mean, it's that's kind of um, you know, to I I'm gonna go back to my faith here, and I think that for a lot of men this is something to start to wrap your head around is that um surrender to the Father and learning to love the way that He loves you and seeing yourself in that way that He loves you, and then giving that love to all of the people around you and learning to love them in that way. And that's not a way like a lot of you're not gonna walk up to a dude, most dudes, and they're gonna be like, I am loved. You know what I'm saying? Like that's not gonna be but honestly, that should be the way that we see ourselves, especially as as uh a man of faith. Like I see myself as loved by my father, and the same love that he gives me is the love that I want to give everyone else in my life. I'm never gonna be able to do it the way that he does.
SPEAKER_03But you can only give it if you do see yourself that way, right?
SPEAKER_01But you can only give it when you see yourself that way. Yeah, yeah. And that's the place as a man that we have to surrender ourselves to. And that's a really challenging task.
Takeaways And Closing Notes
SPEAKER_03Yes. Ooh, we got deep today. All right, so overall, I think we touched on some really great points around um getting the male perspective about what's important, what isn't important. Things that are uh be worth creating awareness around in your relationship if they're a struggle point for communication, and being able to bridge that gap is really, really important to be able to just have these conversations and ask the support you need and be specific and explain it in a way that you're speaking the other person's language. So all those are super, super great points. Thank you, Matt, so much for coming on today and for joining us and for sharing. It was it was really, really great.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, happy to be here. Thanks for having me.
SPEAKER_02All right, bye, ladies.
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