The Rejuvenating Health Podcast

E147 | When Blame Feels Safe And Change Feels Scary

Rejuvenating Health Season 2 Episode 147

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0:00 | 27:38

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Tired, inflamed, foggy... and your labs still look “fine”? We’ve been there. Today we pull back the curtain on why the brain under chronic stress craves a single villain and how that hunt can keep you stuck when real healing requires layers. As a women’s health nurse practitioner and a mindset coach, we blend clinical insight with nervous system work to explain how allostatic load, disrupted sleep, under-eating, caffeine reliance, people pleasing, and relentless pace stack into the symptoms you feel every day.

We dig into the neuroscience of stress. What shifts in the amygdala, hippocampus, and prefrontal cortex do to decision making and emotional regulation, and why those changes push us toward black-and-white answers. You’ll hear candid personal stories about comparative suffering and the hidden costs of minimizing your own experience. Most importantly, we show why even a “perfect” protocol can stall if your body doesn’t feel safe, and how to pair smart labs, nutrition, and hormones with boundaries, breath, and better rest so your physiology finally gets the signal to heal.

You’ll leave with practical tools you can use today: a two-column self-audit to identify where you’re abandoning yourself, a symptom translator to uncover what your body is asking for, a 90-second breath practice to downshift your stress response, and a simple seven-day anchor experiment across sleep, blood sugar, nervous system, and boundaries. No shame, no magic bullets—just clear steps to move from blame to agency and build momentum one anchor at a time.

If this resonated, share it with a friend stuck in the “what’s wrong with me” loop, then hit follow, leave a quick review, and tell us which anchor you’re testing this week. Your feedback helps more women find the tools and the safety that they need to heal.

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Welcome And The “Smoking Gun” Trap

SPEAKER_00

Any views, thoughts, and opinions expressed on the Rejuvenating Health podcast are solely those of the speakers and are intended as such. Please consult your trusted healthcare practitioner for medical advice. Let's go, girls.

SPEAKER_02

Welcome back to the Rejuvenating Health Podcast. I'm Lakin, your mindset coach, pattern caller outer, and I'm gonna lovingly ask you some questions about your nervous system and what it avoids. And I am joined here with Lindsay today, our women's health nurse practitioner.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, and I live uh in the lab world and symptoms and cycles and hormones and gut health. And I also often see that women want um one single answer to everything. They think that it this one thing is gonna fix all of their problems.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, so that's what we're gonna talk about today. Um, is a woman that we see a lot, right? Like you're exhausted, you're inflamed, you're frustrated, and you're usually desperate for a smoking gun, like something to point the finger at, right? It's like just tell me what it is. Is it my thyroid? Is it my cortisol? Is it my estrogen? Is it candida? Is it parasites? Like they need the villain. Like, give me the villain. Who can I point the finger at?

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, and sometimes sometimes there is one thing, right? Like sometimes I'll look at labs and I'm like, oh my gosh, this is it. Like, this is the clear thing that's doing it, doing everything. And we can absolutely treat that and treat what we find. But I literally cringe when I get lab work back and I'm like, ugh, there's like really like nothing dramatic going on here, right? Like, there's nothing that's super alarming. Your cortisol isn't five, your insulin isn't 30, your T3 isn't two, your CRP isn't 10, and they leave the call, and I'm like, they are gonna be pissed when they get off this call. And there is validity. Like I know they feel like trash, right? But when there's not a smoking gun as to why they feel like trash, they get angry.

Why We Crave A Single Villain

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. Yeah, because that was like we're hedging our bets on this big thing. It's like it has to be this because nothing else can explain it, right? So that's what we're gonna unpack today. We want to talk about why the brain craves a villain, why supplements and HRT can be helpful and sometimes still not touch the root cause of the issue, which is why we incorporate all the things that we do in our program, how mindset and chronic stress and trauma can show up as real physical symptoms, even though we're not taught that necessarily, and what to do when there isn't an a direct answer to point at.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. So, I mean, just quick note I'm not your medical provider. This is not medical advice, it's education. Always work with someone on your individualized care. Um, but generally we can give you definite education, right?

SPEAKER_02

Yes, yeah. So let's talk about the smoking gun trap, right? Like naming the obvious. The smoking gun, it feels comforting, right? It gives us an answer.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, it's like there's something right in front of you. You can put structure around it, it gives you direction, like it gives you a clear-cut plan. This is what's wrong, this is what I'm gonna do to fix it. And like, here are the steps.

SPEAKER_02

And it gives you something even deeper. It gives you relief from self-trust. Like you get to outsource that. And that's something that uh is really important because we don't tend to lean on our self-trust or our intuition or listening to our body. We're taught to repress that and kind of put it to the side and be like, oh no, just push through anyway. Because if there's a villain in your blood work, you don't have to look at the places that you've been abandoning yourself, right? You don't have to grieve, you don't have to set boundaries, you don't have to feel anger that you've been repressing, you know, for the last decade. You just get to say, oh, well, now we look at supplements and treatment and like hope that that fixes the thing. And I don't want to look at all this other deep stuff that I've been avoiding.

SPEAKER_00

Or or even the lifestyle stuff. Like they see a smoking gun and they're like, Oh, I don't have to focus on my sleep, or I don't have to weight train, or I don't have to eat 25 grams of fiber. But yeah, like that smoking gun gives you someone else to blame. And I'm not saying that this is your fault. Please do not take that, but whenever there's not that smoking gun there, I think that that's what hurt, that's what like stings the most as you're like, ooh, I have to look at something deeper.

SPEAKER_02

Right, right. And we see this constantly. Like a client will say something like, Well, I, you know, before they get their lab work back, you know, I'm hoping that my lab shows something because if there's nothing wrong, then that means it's me, right? Like there's nothing else to point the finger at. And that sentence in itself could be, you know, a whole episode, but just the fact that, you know, if I'm not able to externalize blame on anything else, then that requires me to turn the mirror back and like look at myself.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, and then that gets translated into a story of I'm broken, there's something wrong with me. Instead of like, okay, well, my body's just been coping with something.

Stress, Trauma, And Brain Changes

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, exactly. And the smoking gun lets your nervous system avoid the scarier truth, which is like you might have to change things in your life and not just your protocol, right? Like both and like there may be a good amount of things that have to change, and there's gonna be different variables, and there's gonna be a time period where you might have to test some things to see what actually works. And that's cause that creates time and change, which are two things that people don't necessarily love to deal with.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. So let's put a little bit of science behind this and why this villain feels safe, feels safe, right? So under chronic stress, your brain becomes more threat-focused, right? It becomes more rigid, it becomes more black and white, it takes out all the gray, it takes out all the ambiguity of it, right?

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, because when you're in survival mode, your brain does not like maybe that's an option.

SPEAKER_00

Right. And so trauma, chronic stress, they can they can literally impact your brain function and structure. I was listening to something the other day about how like abused, if you're if there's abuse at all in your younger age, like you are like 10 times more likely to get chronic disease and all of that type of stuff. Because there's areas involved in fear processing and memory and decision making, right? Like your amygdala, your hippocampus, your free continent cortex, like trauma and chronic stress can literally damage those areas of your of your brain, essentially.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, it's wiring your brain accordingly. So essentially, when your nervous system is running on high alert all the time, it's harder to access the part of your brain that can tolerate nuance or uncertainty or healing, right? Because those those areas are not online because essentially your brain's like, oh, we don't have time for that. We have to keep you safe.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, and you might not feel like that has given you chronic stress, but it has, which that's gonna dysregulate your HPA access, right? So that stress response system, which influences your cortisol, our buzzword from last year, um, your immune signaling, your inflammation, your energy, your mood, all of those things.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. And when you're dysregulated, your brain becomes like a detective, right? Not like not a calm one, not like uh not like a smooth detective, but like a chaotic one, like one that's always chasing after you know something to blame. Like if I can just identify the villain, then I can finally relax then.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. I mean, and there's also the concept of allostatic load, which basically the wear and tear on your body from prolonged stress, right? Your body can only tolerate being under prolonged stress for so long, which is why we see adrenal fatigue when, and that's when your menstrual cycles shut down, your thyroid shuts down, your digestion system shuts down, right? And so it's linked downstream impacts across cardiovascular disease and metabolic health and immune systems, and like you cannot live that way forever without expecting some type of chronic disease to develop.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, it's literally like that saying, you know, the straw that broke the camel's back. Like it's not that one straw, it's literally all the ones that came before it and this compound effect over time, like all this weight bearing that we're doing for a period of time under this stress or under this environmental load. And the urge to find the one thing to point the finger at, like, that's not necessarily dramatic. It's just your nervous system trying to create certainty in a situation so that it can feel safe.

Allostatic Load And Stacked Drivers

SPEAKER_00

But the problem is, is like your body isn't simple like that, right? And symptoms a lot of times come from stacks of things, right? So a lot of times this like you're listening to this and you're like, I don't have any underlying trauma. Like nothing bad happened to me when I was growing up. Like I don't have any of that stuff, but it's the small things, right? Like it's the small things across sleep, nourishment, stress, some trauma maybe that happened a long time ago that you don't even think matters. The the boundaries that you are incapable of holding, the lack of movement, your blood sugar, your inflammation, like all of these things stacked upon each other are what causes a lot of these issues.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. And we have to be careful here because like when people hear, you know, mindset effects symptoms, they think that we mean like it's all in your head. And that that's not what we're saying.

SPEAKER_00

No, like your symptoms are real. We hear you that you're tired and that you have no energy and that you feel like crap and that you're gaining weight. Like we know these are not in your head, right?

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, and what we're saying is like your brain and your body are not separate departments, right? Like everything's a uh everything works in tandem, it's all one system.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, and that well, so that traumatic stress it doesn't even have to be traumatic, right? Like just the chronic stress of of something, right, is associated with like real neurobiological changes. And those changes can affect emotional regulation, impulse control, like how safe the world feels in your body. So I think I'm like the prime example of this, right? So whenever I my history of my eating disorder, right? When I went to treatment, um, I was in treatment with all these women that had had these terrible things happen, right? Been raped or sexual abuse or physical abuse or whatever. And I I'm constantly like, I don't understand why I have an eating disorder. Like nothing bad happened to me, right? Like I grew up in a loving family. We were not hurting for anything, had a great mom and dad. But looking back now that I'm older, I'm like, okay, my parents got divorced when I was two. So I had some like abandonment stuff, right? Not on purpose from any of my parents, but my dad lived a million miles away from me, right? My mom, love her to death, tried to be my best friend instead of a mom. So there's no boundaries in that relationship. I was like forced into the popular friend group where there was like constant bullying and putting down, right? So just because you don't have some traumatic event happen, those small things add up. And all of those things like changed some type of neurochemistry in my brain that caused me to deal with that was my coping mechanism, right? Yeah. And it it was a way to make my body feel safe, essentially.

SPEAKER_02

Yes. And it's funny because we'll do this a lot, like that comparative suffering never benefits anybody, right? So by you comparing your story to these other women that you were in treatment with and minimizing your circumstances, right? And saying, like, well, I don't even deserve to be here. Like, what's my problem if they're if they had these big experiences, right? Did that help you at all? No. No.

unknown

Right.

It’s Not “All In Your Head”

SPEAKER_02

If anything, it probably introduced more shame into the situation, which made your body feel less safe. And so it's like comparing trauma doesn't serve anybody. And to me, like trauma is up to perception, right? Trauma is an opinion, essentially. I work with women all the time who one woman's experience of something that was highly traumatic would be something that would just be like a random Tuesday to somebody else, right? Because it's the way that it impacts you and the way that you um create a story around it or the meaning that you make out of it. And so it's always unique to each person. Similarly, people will be really surprised that children that grew up in the same household, right? Even twins that grew up in the same household with the same set of parents during the same time will have very different childhood experiences and they'll have different moments that they perceived as trauma, where one may perceive the same circumstance as trauma and the other one was like, Oh, I don't even remember, that's not even a thing. Like that wasn't a blip on the radar, right? But that's where it's important to remember like each one is unique and nothing is less than or insignificant. It it all matters because it's all creating patterns in your brain. And so we said when we say like trauma isn't just a mental event, we mean like your body learned patterns, your nervous system learned patterns, and your stress response learned patterns. And these patterns are what's living out in your adult life currently.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, and like those patterns can show up as pain, they can show up as fatigue. Like for me, a lot of it was gut health issues. Um, it can show up as cravings, like you're overeating. Yes, like I get it, right? It can show up as inflammation, but it's not because you're weak. Uh a lot of times it is because your body is trying to protect you from something.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. And this is why some women can have the like perfect protocol, right? They're doing all the right things. They really are. They're they're eating the right amount of protein, they're working out during the week, they're getting their steps in, they're hydrating, they're sleeping, all the things, and still feel stuck because the protocol is operating on the assumption that your nervous system is neutral. And for a lot of women, their nervous system is in constant negotiation with safety, right? So if my body doesn't feel safe, no protocol that I put in place is going to um is going to insert that safety until I can start to regulate my nervous system around it because I'm it's performative in a sense.

SPEAKER_00

So right now in rejuvenating, we have roughly 375 women that we're working with. How many of them are nervous system neutral?

SPEAKER_01

I have maybe encountered two. Right? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

I mean, we sit here, but we're probably not nervous system neutral either.

SPEAKER_02

No, like we're not saying it's wrong, but like Yeah, with all the tools that I have and all the practices that I can implement, like my nervous system is not neutral. I'm constantly negotiating with my nervous system to get to a place of safety or neutrality, right? And it's like, again, that's based on lived experiences and patterns.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. So there's there's a two-lane truth here, guys. There's labs and there's life, right? And so here's the reframe that we want you to take. It's not supplements or emotional work, it's not a functional medicine program or working with Lakin on mindset. It's not labs or nothing. It's it is both. It's both. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, because you can absolutely need support when it comes to nutrients, hormone optimization, gut repair, blood sugar stabilization, all the things. And also, if you're living in resentment or people pleasing or survival mode, like your body will keep telling the truth of that pattern over and over and over again.

Personal Stories And Comparative Suffering

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, and and your labs sometimes don't show the villain because the villain is the environment your nervous system is living in. It's it's the not enough sleep, it's the too much caffeine, it's the under-eating and then nighttime snacking, it's the hit class that you're doing fasted at 3 a.m. It's the running 15 miles a day because you're a cardio bunny. It's the caring for everyone but yourself, the lack of boundaries that you have, the literally like never turning off, never taking any time to go outside and go on a walk, right?

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. And a lot of those are like physical manifestations or a result of an internal dialogue, like a story that's on repeat that says, you know, I can't slow down, or I don't get to slow down, or I have to do it all, or if I'm rest, I'm lazy, or my needs are not important, or they're inconvenient, right? Or they come last, or you know, any of these things that most women like live on on replay as the soundtrack in the background is like that story is going to create physiology over time.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, exactly. So what okay, I did a lab review, right? And you met with me, or our client met with me, and there's not a smoking gun. Like, there's not a clear villain. What do you do?

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. So when you catch yourself obsessing over a diagnosis, I want you to ask, you know, what feeling do I think the diagnosis will give me? Right? Like, is it relief? Is it permission to do something for myself? Is it proof that I need? Is it validation? Is it a reason to stop blaming yourself? Like there's something that you're looking for in that.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. And then once you like literally think about that for a minute, right? Write it down and then ask, can I give myself some of that now? Right? Because you don't need blood work for permission to rest. You don't need a diagnosis to set boundaries. Like you don't need those things.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. So we were gonna do like a two-column check, right? This just takes a couple of minutes. Like grab a piece of paper, two columns. Column A is what I'm trying to fix. This could be the symptoms, right? Like fatigue, weight, anxiety, bloating, gut issues, brain fog, whatever it is. Column B, where I'm abandoning myself. And this takes some honesty, right? When you're doing this audit. But if you are looking at sleep or saying yes when I mean no, or skipping meals, or overworking, avoiding emotions. Am I coping with doom scrolling? Am I drinking to decompress? Like, where are the areas that I'm not that I'm not taking care of myself?

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, and it's not shame. Like it's not to shame you, it's to literally locate leverage. Like I'm sitting here thinking, like, okay, if I did this right now, what would I be trying to fix? Okay, well, my gut has been a mess for the last like two weeks. Like way more gurgly gut than I normally have, right? Well, where am I abandoning myself? Like, I'm working it from 4 a.m. until 7 p.m.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, so overwhelming.

SPEAKER_00

It's not a shame thing, like it's just being honest. Like, uh, okay, yep, that's what I'm doing. I'm have like a heightened nervous system all day long. I gotta shut that down.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. Yeah. For me, it's like fatigue and brain fog. And I know for me, it's like my sleep's been off, right? If I'm being honest with myself, like I've not been good about getting myself to bed on time, and that's also linked to overworking, right? Like I'll get down with my day and then be like, oh, I just can get a couple more things done, you know, before I go to bed. And I used to have a very firm rule about the laptop goes away before dinner time and it's not coming back out. And I've gotten very lax with that, right? So I'm abandoning myself something that I felt was very aligned for me and it was it was very effective and getting my bedtime routine on point. And now I'm abandoning that. And now the consequences are like that physical manifestation.

Protocols Fail When Safety Is Missing

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, yeah. So I I like I think the point in us telling you like we're not perfect, like guys, like we struggle with this too. We just know how to then address it, essentially. How to fix how to the tools to help ourselves, right?

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, like something else you can do is like a symptom translator, essentially, right? So it's like looking at pick one symptom and then finish the sentence. Like if my body wasn't being dramatic and it was being honest, it would say, uh, I'm tired of carrying everyone else's stuff, right? Like I don't feel safe when I slow down, or I feel guilty when I slow down. Um I'm grieving and I keep trying to avoid it, right? Like there's something that feels doesn't feel good for me and I don't want to, I don't want to feel it. I'm trying to avoid it or outrun it. Like those are things that come up, but it doesn't feel good to feel them. And if we're really being honest about, okay, what's driving these symptoms? And if if I just told my body that you didn't just have to push through and you're allowed to feel what you're feeling, what would it say? It would probably say one of those things.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. And then, you know, once you do that, then we can find a way to support that message, both medically and emotionally and behaviorally, right? Like just acknowledging that is a huge first step. And then you can try to help remedy it, right?

unknown

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

And there's this like you can also do a 90 second regulation before you fix anything. Like all As women, all we want to do is fix, fix, fix, fix, fix, fix, right? So before you go like researching another supplement stack at 11:30 to fix your digestion or your fatigue or your whatever, do this. Inhale for four, exhale for eight, and repeat that for six breaths, right? Because what that does is that slow exhale downshifts the stress response and it helps bring that free frontal cortex back online. You can make a decision from clarity, not from you panicking and researching the next thing that Instagram shows you on an Instagram reel.

Labs And Life: The Both-And Reframe

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. And then when you have that clarity, then you have the space to actually ask like, what would the next step that would actually serve me look like, right? Not from a place of intensity, but from a place that is where I'm clear and downregulated. And people want to shit on the breath all the time. Like people are very resistant to just implementing breathing practices. But I posted about this like a week or so ago. The breath is undefeated, ladies. Like it literally works if you are intentional with it and you practice it and you and you want it to work, right? If you're like, oh my gosh, this doesn't work. Like, no, that's not gonna work because you're already shitting on it, right? But it's like if you're intentional about it and you're really and you really like um take your time with it, I can't tell you the number of times that clients have told me, oh my gosh, I did that breathing thing that we were talking about, or that we practiced in session, and it actually really helped a lot. I'm like, oh yeah, it's weird, like it's crazy. And there's been so many times where, trust me, I used to be like, that shit doesn't work, it's woo-woo, like it does, you know, it doesn't take the stress away. And I cannot name a time that I have implemented a breathing practice or just started to slow down my breath low and slow, or been um intentional about my exhale in a moment that I'm triggered or in high stress, that it has not been beneficial. So just try it.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. So if you're listening and you've had blood work done, it can a hundred percent not be from us. I know you've had blood work done when your doctor has told you everything's fine, right? Which if it's conventional medicine, there probably is something in your blood work and your doctor just didn't test the right thing. So that's another side note and tangent. But if your labs don't give you a clear target, don't spiral, kind of run this seven-day experiment and see how you feel, right? So you pick one thing from each category. So you pick a sleep anchor, right? It could be a consistent bedtime window. I'm gonna go to bed consistently between nine and ten o'clock every night, right? Pick a blood sugar anchor. I'm gonna anchor my morning every day with protein at breakfast, 30 to 40 grams.

SPEAKER_02

Pick a some people might just be having breakfast.

SPEAKER_00

Yes, yes, yes.

unknown

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Pick a nervous system anchor. I'm gonna walk outside barefoot. I'm gonna get morning sun and light. I'm gonna do six breaths a day, four in, eight out, right? Pick a boundary anchor, one that you can actually say no to, right? Like one that you're not setting yourself up for failure.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, yeah. And then like the win isn't perfection in this, right? The win is like, okay, like I started responding to my body instead of instead of fighting my body all the time. Like I'm actually listening and like tuning into what's happening internally, as opposed to being like, well, if like if the metrics, if everything external outside of me says that nothing's wrong with me, then I'm just broken and I don't know how and I'll just keep pushing through no matter what, not feel what's coming up. Like, no, like trust yourself, feel what you're feeling. Yeah, listen. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, so blame can feel really protective until it keeps you stuck, right? And that's just what we want to name today. So a villain story can hand off that responsibility, but it also hands off the power in the situation, like you're out forcing your power.

SPEAKER_00

And sometimes there is a very, very clear clinical driver, right? And we can look and we can test and we can treat. But when there isn't this neat smoking gun, it doesn't mean that nothing is wrong. It just often means that you need a different kind of support. And that includes supporting with your nervous system and your lifestyle, right? Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. So I want you to think like if my symptoms are messengers, because that's really all that they are, right? It's sending up signals and flags to your body to be like, hello, hello, excuse me. What boundary truth or need have I been avoiding that my body's trying to tell me about?

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. So your action plan is to pick one anchor for the next seven days and track how you feel. So pick an anchor from energy, mood, craving, sleep, digestion, whatever, and track how you feel with it.

When Labs Don’t Show A Target

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. And if it's at home, please share it with a friend. I know that you know somebody that is stuck in the endless what's wrong with me loop. And if you are in our community, please reach out and let us know how you liked it. Please rate and review the podcast. Give us five stars. If you are so inclined, we'd really appreciate that. And we will see you next time.

SPEAKER_00

Bye, ladies.