Over Eating: The Problem Beneath the Problem

In the past, every time you have gone on a diet, you have solved a problem, but the reason you gained the weight back, is you solved the wrong problem.

You might need to stop over eating in the evenings, this is the problem, yes, but the deeper problem to be solved is WHY you over eat in the evenings.

Going on a diet for 3 weeks, taking away all flour, sugar, and alcohol isn't going to solve this.

This is what I do, I help you fix the REAL problem, the problem beneath the problem.  

Only then can your weight loss be permanent.

Enjoy.

Interested in working with me? Find my website here: https://courtneygraycoaching.com/workwithme

Transcript

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Music. Welcome to Modern body, modern life, the podcast for women who want to lose weight permanently, feel in control around food and learn how to stop obsessing about their body and food, a modern way of thinking about your weight, your body and your life includes mindset. I'm body and life coach, Courtney Gray, and each week I'm going to teach you the mindset tools that are necessary for changing the way you eat forever. We will uncover why you're eating when you said you were going to stop, what to do when you're really craving something, and how important it is to decide what you want to believe is possible for you, I believe we can get in the best shape of our lives at any age, a modern body, a modern life, all starts in your mind, and when you learn how to manage that, losing weight permanently becomes so much easier. Welcome to the Podcast, episode 55 over eating the problem beneath the problem. I just got back late, late, late last night from visiting one of my best friends. She lives in Jersey City, and we not only explored a little bit of Jersey City, but we went into New York City, and we it was a, just a really a long weekend with her, and it was magical. Besides the fact that I just love her and I don't see her enough because we are literally on opposite coasts of the United States, I just absolutely miss her so much. Seeing her. I mean, we Marco Polo throughout the day, but I just miss being around her and her energy and her just her wisdom and our conversations. Because I don't know if you are a Marco Polo person, but when I Marco Polo with someone, it's it kind of, in a way, is a one sided conversation. I talk at her, and then she talks at me. I'm so grateful for Marco Polo, but there's nothing like having a real time conversation with luxurious amounts of time to have it. And I told her, I said, I've never actually been to New York City in the Christmas during the Christmas time, and so I really wanted to do that. And so she was just the, not only the just the most amazing friend, but she was such a great host. She knows all the subways and the ferries and the schedules and this how to get to here and there. And sometimes I felt like I was a little kid following her mom through the through the streets of New York City. It was so fun. And we went to the Rockettes and saw the Rockettes dance at Radio City Music Hall. And we went and saw the tree, and we went to a Broadway show and went to dinner with about five of her really good friends. And that was so fun to meet women who she's talked about so often that I got to now meet and spend and share a meal with, and that was so fun, and, and, but my, probably my most favorite thing was just being with her and all the conversation, we talk non stop. So I just had such a great time. So is there anyone in your life that you need to go? Okay, I need to see this person, and I need to make time to be with them. I can think of a few other friends that lately I've been like, I really need to set set aside time to go be with them. Life is too short. I encourage you to do that. We never regret that right at the end of our lives, we're never going to look back and think about the TV shows we watched and the food we ate, but we're going to think about the experiences and the conversations and the friendships. So really, really glad I gave myself that gift. So let me talk about overeating and the problem beneath the problem. And first I want to talk about my definition of overeating. Because sometimes I think sometimes, when people hear overeating, they think of someone like binging or someone just sitting down and just eating. Yeah, I mean, I guess maybe binging or maybe just sitting down and having way more. But I think of overeating is just eating in a way that is not helping you reach your goals. When I was weighing more than I wanted to weigh, which was usually around 12 pounds, I wasn't I didn't sit down and eat so much to where I was stuffed all the time. Occasionally I did. But I was overeating in the way I can say that is I was eating in a way that was not helping me live in a body that I wanted to live in. And so maybe some nights that was just three extra cookies at the end of the day. Maybe that was just too much avocado. Maybe that was just snacking too much. It's if you're getting more calories than your body needs, and it's not allowing you to live in a body that you feel like you and that you are really proud to be living in. To me, you're probably overeating, and so there's no shame with it. So that's the first thing I want to say, is when I'm talking about overeating, there's no shame in it. And I think that if you listen to the podcast last week, I talked. About accepting your body and losing weight at the same time. And I talked really about how you have to accept your body right now, where you're at right now, if you're 50 pounds more than you want to be, if you are haven't run or even walked in a long time, and you feel like you're out of shape, can you accept yourself right now. And so when I say overeating, can you actually say, Yeah, I'm overeating. I'm eating in a way that is not serving me, and it's okay. And can we love ourselves and say we are, not only do we love ourselves, but we're amazing and lovable and beautiful and all the things right now? And let's go. Let's go now. So that's my definition of overeating. It's not a problem, except for that. It is creating a body that you don't want to be in. And so it's time to get going. On the surface, the problem, if we think about hashtag, the problem is you're eating more than your body needs. This might be more quantity, like maybe you have to be radically honest with yourself here, this might be more quantity, it might be more calories, it might be more of a specific thing, like fat or sugar or alcohol. You need to be the one that is radically honest and really tells yourself this is what it is for me and most of my clients and most of the people I coach and even have consultations with, they know. They know right off the bat where they're going wrong. But if you feel like I don't really know, then I always say, You know what? Track your food for a week. Track your your food in either My Fitness Pal, I like using macros first, track your food and see what is really going on. You will be amazed at the clarity you get. In fact, I think I have a podcast from a few months ago about tracking from curiosity. I think that could be I know that's one of the things I teach my clients in my program, but I think I did a podcast on tracking as well, so you can look back and see if that's there. But if you really don't know, then track. But most of you, most of you that are listening, you girl that are listening. You're successful, you're educated, you are extremely intelligent, and all you need to do is step into radical honesty. And you know, you know what you need to do. For me, it wasn't really snacking during the day. It wasn't breakfast and lunch. Those were pretty rote for me, same thing most days. It was right before dinner, dinner and after dinner for me and everyone has a different story with what it is for them, but really being radically honest and with yourself of what it is for you, where you are overeating. And so here's what I will say, is, if you're not where you want to be good, if you can actually say that I'm not where I want to be good, let's go. I mean, step number one is admitting to yourself. All right, enough shenanigans. It's like, okay. It's like, imagine yourself raising your hand, okay, I'm not where I want to be good. There's so much power in admitting to that. And even if it doesn't feel good to be there, it's so powerful to admit you don't want to be there anymore. You're still amazing, worthy of love, beautiful, all the things, if we can move on from a place of you accepting that you're not where you want to be, but you're still lovely, and you're still valuable, wonderful. A lot of people are stuck in the surface level problem. This is where you're at when you're doing a diet, eating more than your body needs, probably more quantity. Maybe it's calories. Whatever you decide is your thing of why you're what the actual overeating problem is. You're aware that you need, need to consume less in order to weigh less. But they don't go deeper. This is from the space where they might say, okay, yeah, I think I'm just getting too much food. I think I'm snacking. Great. Great that you're honest with yourself. You're like, I think once I cut out the snacking, if I can become a woman that doesn't snack, I can lose weight forever, beautiful, like you're in a great place, if you just admit to that. But a lot of people stay at this surface level, and they just go on a diet and they think, I'm just gonna cut out snacking. Now, listen, cutting out snacking is a beautiful idea, but we need to go deeper. The surface area problem is the snacking, but we need to get to the root problem of why you're snacking. And again, this is what you don't get when you go on a diet. If you never get to the problem underneath the problem, the why underneath the snacking, you're not going to be able to fix the problem under the problem. Why are you snacking and eating more than your body needs? So think about the last time you went on a diet. Did you actually say to yourself, Why am I overeating? Like, why am I eating in the evenings, which is so common for people, why am I doing that? And yes, I know you're probably going to say your partner overeats too. It just sounds so fun. Bridgerton isn't quite as exciting without a bowl of popcorn, for sure. I mean, all those things I think are true you also love. The taste of it for sure, but why? What happens when you take it away? That is the problem under the problem. This is the work we do in my program. This is the problem we solve. We've got to go deeper. We got to get to the problem under the problem. Because at the surface level, going on a diet for three weeks makes so much sense. I just need to stop snacking at night. I just need to get rid of all the candy in my house. I just need to stop drinking during the week. It makes so much sense, except for that you're not really solving the problem, and it will work temporarily. You're gonna be able to lose seven pounds just cutting out drinking during the week, right? We've all done this before. Solved for the surface level problem, but it's a temporary fix, and it's not even like a fix. I consider it more of a band aid. The problem beneath the surface level problem is why you're eating more than your body needs, why you make a decision to eat better and then throw the decision out the window. The real problem is not an overeating problem, it's an avoiding feeling problem. I'm going to say that again, because this is like the heavy hitter sentence of the podcast. This is the one I have underlined in my notes. The real problem is not an overeating problem. It's an avoiding feeling problem. We eat to avoid feeling negative emotions. Now let's think about it. When I say that, you probably are like, Yes, I get it. Stress eating. We always go to stress. It's that classic example. I had an exhausting day. I need a glass of wine. I'm going to just sit here and have chips and salsa or chips and guacamole. Yes, that is overeating. Yes, that is emotional eating. But again, we need to go deeper, because I don't know about you, I don't, I don't feel like stress runs my life. Does stress run your life? Maybe it does. Maybe it doesn't. There are so many other negative emotions you could be eating to avoid, and a quick Google search will actually help you understand so many of the negative emotions that you might be eating to avoid, feeling desperate, feeling anxious, which is different than stress people feel like they're different. You'd have to know for you What is different with anxious or stressed? Frustration, fear, loneliness, depression, panic, panicky, panicked, jealousy, guilt, bitterness, resentment, disappointment, disgust, sadness, anger. I mean, there's so many, so when we think of emotional eating, and so often we go to stress, we're not going deep enough. We're not figuring out what is really going on with us, and that means we're not solving it, and that means we're not going to be able to stop eating to avoid it. So if you can think about your overeating and really start to understand your overeating, oh, okay, this is where I'm overeating. And then the next step is, why am I overeating? And then get past the whole I love, you know, I love samoa cookies. I love a margarita. Okay, yes, totally. But deeper than that, why? If we take it away, why? Why are we eating and then what emotions are you trying to avoid? And I'll tell you a little secret. I just told, I just told one of my new clients this, we're not gonna really find out what emotions we're avoiding or trying to get out of until we take the food away. You take the food away, and that's when all of a sudden, you feel, ooh, this doesn't feel good. What is it? What am I actually feeling? And that is what you're trying to escape by introducing that food. So let me give you some examples that I hear time and time and time again. You're with your family and friends you've told yourself that you're not going to drink, for example. So let me give you some popular examples of all of this negative emotions and trying to get out of the negative emotions and the deep problem here we have, like the problem underneath the problem. And so one of the biggest things that a lot of people experience as people pleasing with food. And so put yourself into where you know you people please. Maybe you are at a family event. It is the holiday, so we're seeing a lot of family members that we a lot of times during the year, don't see very much. And so you're at a family event, and someone comes up to you and says, Oh, hey, I got you a piece of pie, or I got you a drink, whatever it is for you. And you had decided that you weren't going to have that. So a lot comes up for you. First of all, you probably want whatever they're handing to you. That's always hard too. We have to acknowledge that we want it, but then if you say no to it, you're going to this is what you're telling yourself. You're going to make them feel bad. COVID. Maybe you're smaller than them, and you're going to make them feel like you're judging their body and they shouldn't be eating it either. Maybe you're going to make them feel bad, because maybe they made the pie and you're like rejecting their food. Maybe you always, usually, over the holidays, celebrate cocktails with them, and now you're not drinking and they're going to question you on it, and it's going to make you feel there's so many different with all those, even little intricate examples, there so many feelings of guilt and insecurity and shame and frustration, all of these emotions come up, and the fastest way to not feel those emotions is to take whatever they're giving you and immediately start eating it. So can you see how the problem is not necessarily the cake or the drink or the ear or even your cousin. The problem is your unwillingness to feel in the moment that negative emotion. And you might be like, Well, yeah, Courtney, why would I want to feel negative emotion? It's horrible. Yeah, it is horrible, except for that you're already feeling negative emotion because you're not living in the body you want to be in. We got to always remember that, yes, I am asking of you, and I tell my clients this all the time. I'm asking you to be willing to feel negative emotion because you already are actually feeling negative emotion. I just want you to be intentional with the negative emotion you're feeling. I'm taking a little break to let you know, if you are loving the podcast, you have to grab my free course lose weight for the last time the mindset and strategy you've been missing this free course is available right now. It is for women who are tired of dieting only to gain the weight back. It is for women who want to lose weight permanently and feel like themselves again. I spent years wanting to lose weight every morning. I would promise to eat better that day, and then by four o'clock, I would completely change my mind. I would think I don't care. It wasn't worth it. I should just love myself. I'm getting older. This is normal, that my body is changing, and it shouldn't matter, but it did matter, and it did matter to me. I lost weight permanently by learning how to feel and control around food, eat better consistently and follow through. And this course will help you do the same. So the link to get immediate access to this free course is in the show notes. It's also on my website, at Courtney Gray coaching.com you are going to love it. Now, back to the show. So here's another example. This is my own example. If you've been if you're a huge fan of the podcast, you've heard me talk about it. For me, boredom is a huge trigger, and when I feel bored, I eat to get out of boredom. So you might be thinking, well, what's the big deal with boredom? Courtney, that's like, not that bad. It's not that bad. But for me, when I'm bored, it goes into a whole bunch of other negative emotions. When I'm bored, then I tell myself, I should have more hobbies, like that's literally my primitive brain. I'm bored, and all of a sudden, primitive brain goes you either two things, I should have more hobbies. I should be working. And so then there's that guilt, and then there's that insecurity, and then I start thinking that I should be living a bigger life, and I should be, you know, think I compare myself to my girlfriend that lives close to the city and does all this fun stuff and all of that. And what is the fastest way to not only get out of the boredom and then the guilt and the shit all that, making cookies or going to the store and getting a pint of ice cream totally solves the problem. So the problem that needs to be solved is, can I allow myself to feel boredom? Can I really, while I'm feeling that boredom, can I dive in and find the truth? Is there any truth in any of it? Should I be working more No, that's that's not truthful. Okay, what else am I thinking I should have more hobbies? Should I have more hot Is there truth in that? Do I want more hobbies? Maybe I do. What's keeping me from that? Can you see what happens when you start opening yourself up to feeling something and then diving into it? This is what made me start taking tennis lessons again. I saw the truth in that I should have more hobbies. Hmm, should is never a great word. Do I want more hobbies? I sat there on the couch. Do I want more hobbies? I paused the TV. I'm feeling, I'm feeling all this. I'm feeling like making cookies. Wait a minute, what am I feeling? I'm feeling a little bored. Why am I feeling bored? Okay, I think I'm feeling bored because my my primitive brain is telling me I should be working. Nope, we've decided not to work. What else is coming up? I should have more hobbies. Life should be better than TV. Do I want to be watching this show now? I do. Okay, I'm watching this show. I want to, but I'm going to pause it for a second. What else I should have more hobbies? Well, should is a horrible thing to say to myself. But do I want more hobbies? I do? What other hobbies do I want? I love playing tennis. Why am I not playing tennis? Well, it's been really cold outside. Hmm, do I want to bundle up, baby? Do I want to buy a new jacket, a covering for my ears? And do I want to play tennis in the winter? It is possible for me. Do you see how you can change your life when you are willing and. Initially, to feel the feeling and not eat from that place. All of a sudden, I think, you know what? I want to play tennis, even in the winter. I need to get some warmer clothes. What else do I want to do in the winter? You know what? I really miss Heather. I really want to go visit her. And you know what I've always wanted to see New York at Christmas time? You know, can we afford that? Does that fit in our budget right now? Do I have time for that? Is life? Am I too busy right now? Or is life too short? Can you see how so much goodness comes from me being willing to not eat the cookies or go get the ice cream and to be sitting with the boredom? Here's another thing that can happen for you. You can a lot of my clients, especially clients that work at home. Well, I'm going to talk about my clients that work at home, and then I'm going to talk about my clients that work at the hospital, because I have a lot of doctors and nurses that I coach. So you're working from home, and you finished a project, and now there's another, you know, another project you are getting ready to go into and for a lot of people. And again, let's slow this down and really figure out I deal with this all the time because I work from home. You finish a project, and then there's this space where you have to do something else. Maybe you have to start doing some audits. Maybe you have to contact some customers. Maybe you need to email some customers. Maybe you need to do a podcast, whatever is. There's a moment where you're done with one thing and you have to go to another, and task switching can be a little disruptive. All of a sudden you're like, I don't know exactly what to say to that customer, or what podcast am I doing. And I don't really want to be doing this. Think about how many times we thought that about our job, even even those of us that really like our jobs. I don't really want to be doing this right now. Maybe I could do it later, and then all of a sudden, what will make everything better in that moment? Going to the kitchen for a snack. Going to the kitchen for a snack takes us out of the pain of that moment of task switching. So for a lot of my clients when they really allow themselves to Okay? I said I wasn't gonna snack in between, in between my work day, in between my meals. And now I'm sitting here and there's a.