When You're One Bite Away From Giving In....What to do.

You know that moment—you’re in front of the food, debating whether to give up or stay on track. Today’s episode is all about that moment and what to do when it hits.

I scrapped my original episode because I woke up at 4am knowing I needed to talk about this instead. This is the real-time, behind-the-scenes coaching I give my clients when they come to me saying, “I messed up again.”

🔥 What You’ll Learn:

• Why “messing up” doesn’t mean you’re failing
• How to handle that moment when you want to say, “screw it”
• The 3-step process to stay on track—without being perfect
• Why planning ahead matters (and what it means for your brain)
• How to shift from guilt to control

💭 Real Talk Coaching Questions:

• Were you actually glad you gave in?
• What feelings were you avoiding?
• Can you allow discomfort and still make a powerful choice?

If you’re ready to stop starting over—this episode is for you.

Interested in speaking with me about how we can work together? Click here to head to my website: https://www.modernbodymodernlife.com/ and schedule a free consultation with me.

Transcript

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Foreign Welcome to Modern body, modern life. The podcast for women who want to lose weight permanently feel in control around food and learn how to stop obsessing about their body and food a modern way of thinking about your weight, your body and your life includes mindset. I'm body and life coach Courtney Gray, and each week I'm going to teach you the mindset tools that are necessary for changing the way you eat forever. We will uncover why you're eating when you said you were going to stop, what to do when you're really craving something, and how important it is to decide what you want to believe is possible for you, I believe we can get in the best shape of our lives at any age, a modern body, a modern life, all starts in your mind, and when you learn how to manage that, losing weight permanently becomes so much easier. Welcome to the podcast. Episode 91 when you're one bite away from giving in. You know, we've all been there when you're standing in front of the food and you've got the two of you haggling over what you're going to do, are you going to give up? Are you going to keep going? Oh, that's we're going to dive in today. I actually had another podcast planned for today, but it was even recorded and uploaded all the things. But then at 4am I woke up this morning and I'm like, I think I want to do something different. This happens more and more all the time. I think it's because I just recorded that transformation series, those three podcasts that were a little bit longer and the very teaching heavy, and I think I wanted to do something a little bit more casual. I think I want to do something that gives you an idea of what it's like actually, on a week to week basis, like what I coach my clients through. There's a curriculum that I take my clients through. They have access to a portal with all these videos and a workbook and all of these processes. But I also love talking about when they come to a coaching call and they say, Oh, this weekend, I was a bit of a mess. And that's kind of the sneak peek I want to give you on this podcast of like, what that's like to coach with me, and what I'm going to say and what questions I'm going to ask you, and how I'm going to walk you through your mess ups, because in my program, that is what will happen sometimes. What keeps people from working with me is they think they're going to mess up or not do the work and give up when that is literally what my program is going to teach you, is how to become a woman that can mess up but then get right back on track, how to become a woman that doesn't just say, Screw it, I'm done. I don't want to do that anymore. How you can actually not be perfect and still get in your best shape health ever. So if you decide to join me in August, you're going to mess up in my program like a little part of you is even going to be embarrassed. There's going to be a little part of you that's like, Oh my gosh. I don't want to tell Courtney I did this. I paid for this program, and I'm working with her, and I don't want her to think this would be that is so normal, and then we're going to talk about it. Every time one of my clients comes and says, you know, I just real. This has been a really hard week. I'm like, Great, let's talk about it. I'm never going to be like, Oh, really, what's what's happening? So let's talk about it. So if you are listening in real time, this is the last week to join my august group coaching program. If you have not joined yet and you are thinking about it, if you've been thinking about it, I have a special invitation for you. I am hosting a virtual open house this Wednesday, on August 6, at 5pm Pacific time, I am going to be there on Zoom between five and six for the full hour, and I'm going to be drinking my herbal hot tea, and I'm going to be available if you have any questions for me. So I thought I would just say really quick, some of the women that have come to these virtual open houses before they've come to say, I've already signed up, and I'm so excited. And I just wanted to tell you, I'm so excited and amazing. They've come because they're my past clients. Just wanted to say hello to me, because we love each other. Amazing. I've had women come and say, you know, I just wanted to this has been amazing. I've had about three women say this. I just wanted to make sure that it really was you in the world of AI and the world of people having programs, but then having employees run their programs and and, you know, just so many we just, there's just so much. Like, is this really? How do I describe it? My sister and I are always saying that, like, well, you just can't trust anything you see anymore. You can't trust if this is what someone has written. You can't trust if this is what someone is saying. You can't trust if that video is real. And so, knowing that you're coming to a virtual open house where I'm literally in my home studio and you can come talk with me, just for some people, they really like that security of knowing it really is me, it's it's me. I've had some people say they want to ask a question because of their age. I've had some women say, you know, I'm 70 5am. I too old for this group? I've had some women say, I'm 40 2am. I too young for this group? I've had some women say, you know, I'm really only going to be able to be at half the calls because I work every other week. Do you think it's even worth it for me to join? Totally, hell yes. That's a great question. So I say hell yes. Or they're saying I've already done I've had some clients say, you know, I've already done a group. Would it be silly for me to join again? I feel like I could use the work again. No, totally join. Whatever questions you have for me, are great questions, and I will talk you through it and see if it if you feel like it's going to be worth it for you. So there is a link. If you're on my email list, you'll get a link on today, Tuesday, you'll get a link that that gives you the the Zoom link to join me. There's one on my website, Courtney, great coaching. There's one in the show notes, and there's one also on Instagram in my bio. So there's going to be a link to join me if you'd love to join me and just ask me a question, say hello at any point in time for this virtual open house. Okay, now on to the podcast. I want to talk about what happens when you are in the moment and you all of a sudden, start changing your mind with the decision you've made. And I'm gonna give lots of different examples, but I want you to think, going into this podcast, I want you to think of an example the last time you were somewhere. Maybe it was a wedding, maybe it was a funeral, maybe it was dinner out with girlfriends. Maybe you're out your partner, maybe you're out to lunch, maybe you're with co worker. It doesn't matter. Think about the last time you kind of had intended to do better than you had done, and then you kind of got the buckets, or you said, Screw it, or you just basically gave up in the moment. And then, usually afterwards, if you're like me, you're like, what we did, it again. Think about that moment. Think about a specific moment as you go throughout this podcast. We can think of really like a general we can think generally of what we usually do, but a lot of times it's really helpful for you to think of a specific moment. So one of the things I'll tell you is, when I'm coaching my clients, they'll sometimes come to me and say, I was a mess this weekend, I get it, but I say, give me a moment. Lunch on Saturday, lunch on Sunday, dinner like we need to dive into that exact moment. In order to really understand why you behave in a certain way, why you eat or drink in a certain way, we need to really dive into each of those moments. And you'll find consistency in each of those moments. And when you solve for the why of each of those moments, you get better and better and better at actually behaving in a way that is future focused from your authentic you Okay, so when my clients come to me and they say, I was a mess again, I say, Give me specifics, a specific moment what happened? I always tell them before they go into that moment, they go into being at home alone, when they usually have their partner there, and they know that that's a triggering time for them, going into the weekend, going into a party, whatever it is, I always tell them to decide ahead of time what their plan is. You've heard me talk about protocols. I teach my clients how to create a protocol, which is basically a food plan or a drink plan or a workout plan, whatever. It just kind of fancy. It's kind of fancy. So I like saying protocol, you need to decide ahead of time. Why? The reason we decide ahead of time is we are starting to understand our brain and being able to manage our brain, I also say it like manage our minds. So when you are deciding ahead of time what you want, you are using a different area of your brain, the prefrontal cortex is the area of the brain you're using, and this prefrontal cortex is the you that really wants you to win. It's you that wants you to live your best life. If you were one of the hundreds of people that went to my control shift webinar last week or watched the replay I talked about this in depth, right? When we talk about we want to feel like we're in control, but there's two of us, right? We've got the very future focused prefrontal cortex, authentic badass. You right? If we are living from her, we are fucking living a good life. But then there is the you that is the primitive brain pleasure in the moment give me all the dopamine I don't want to worry about this anymore. You. That is what most people are living from that is the person that just wants to sit on the couch, watch Netflix, scroll on, tick tock and eat popcorn and candy at the same time. There's always both of you in your head in every moment, we need to get you shifting to the more authentic future focused part of you. So in that moment, you feel in real, true, authentic control. And so this is why we plan ahead of time. So then in the moment when you try to tell yourself, it doesn't matter, I don't care about this, you can say, wait a minute, there is a part of me. There are two of me, and there is a part of me that does care, because she just. Decided three hours ago that we were going to do this differently. See, for most people, all they do is acknowledge the primitive brain part of them in the moment. And this is what I used to do. I used to literally just think I changed my mind. But no, when I started realizing, oh my god, I'm sitting here in front of the calamari, I haven't changed my mind. I'm just literally diving into the primitive brain part of me. I'm not even seeing that. There's another part of me. And when you create a protocol, when you decide ahead of time, you're able to increase your awareness to go, Wait a minute. Courtney, I can't lie to myself and tell myself that I don't care anymore, because I do care. I'm just not listening to the part of me that cares. And so you've probably heard me talk before that. I have a three step process that my clients work on for three to six months, depending on whether they work with me, privately or in a group. And this three step process I'm going to walk you through really quickly is a process that will help you get control in the moment. So the first step in this process is embracing the two Ds, D as in dog, the first D is embracing desire. And so when you're in the moment and all of a sudden you want that extra Margarita, or you want that calamari, or you want some of that bread, can it be okay? I used to be tortured, like, in order to not eat it, I had to not want it. In order to not eat it, I had to not want it, when all of a sudden I was like, You know what? What if it's okay that I want the cookie? What if it's okay that I want the bread? It smells amazing. Can that be okay? Can I be a normal human being? I don't have to not want it in order to stick to my plan. So that's the first thing, embracing the desire, and then the second D, embracing discomfort. And it's the discomfort of the back and forth and negotiations. You might call it food noise. You might call it mental gymnastics. You might call it anything in that moment that you wish would stop. What if it's okay that that's uncomfortable for now? Because here's what I will tell you, if you get better and better and better at doing this work, it gets less uncomfortable. And so when my clients start this process, at first it is uncomfortable. They're trying to do something new. They're trying to want a cookie and not eat it. Their brain is telling them they should just eat the cookie. What does it matter? Screw Courtney, all these kind of things, and that's uncomfortable. But after a while you start doing this, it's it's just not as uncomfortable anymore. Everything I'm teaching that I'm talking walking my clients through, that I'm teaching you how I walk them through, the more and more they do this with me. It just gets easier and easier and easier. And you have to remember, please, remember, sometimes people will hear me talking about this and they'll be like, Oh, I had a client the other day. Say, tell me it gets easier. And I say, it does get easier. And I said, but remember the reason you came to me in the first place is you've been in pain mentally for a long time, and she goes, I know. And I said, so let's not pretend that, oh, this work is so hard. It was so easy before. No, it wasn't easy before. Before you were still 20 pounds up and still frustrated, and getting dressed was horrible, and you didn't like getting naked all of that. So we're really just swapping discomfort for a while, until it all gets more comfortable, because the more you do this work, then you not only lose weight, it all gets so much easier. So embracing the two Ds, you're going to embrace desire, you're going to embrace discomfort. This is what I walk my clients through, when I remind them how to do this work, and then I remind them. I say to them, Hey, did you give yourself a moment? And what I mean when I say that is, is so often my clients will come to me, and I should note this too, especially in the beginning, when my clients work with me, when I say, what happened, they always go, I don't know, always, and that's okay. And I teach them, I go, well, we need to go deeper than that. We need to go deeper than just like I don't know. We have to really take ourselves back to that moment and think what happened, what was, what were you going through in that moment? And so in the moment, you have to give yourself a moment. And one of the best moments to give yourself the best space, to get away from all of this and figure it out, is to go to the ladies room all the events I described, barbecue, wedding, funeral. It doesn't matter what event you're at. Go to the ladies room to give yourself a moment. Get away from the people pleasing. Get away from the food. Get away from your partner saying, oh my gosh, just live a little. It doesn't matter. You've been so good all week. You're already down 10 pounds. Get away from all the shenanigans, and take a moment and go into the ladies room, go into the stall and put your hand on your chest very firmly. And this sounds sounds really corny. I know it does, but put your hand on your chest and talk to yourself in your own head and say, This is what it sounds like. Courtney, you're fine. We've got this. Yes. There is a part of you that really wants the pasta, the food that the alcohol, whatever it is right now, there's a part of you that wants that yes, but we must acknowledge that there is a part of you that actually wants something else, because we planned on not having that Margarita, we planned on not having the bread, we planned on not eating the pizza, just getting a salad with chicken. We've got to see that there is two sides of us here. Sometimes my clients will tell me when they're vulnerable with me, and they'll say, I'm I get almost angry like this. They'll say, I they have these thoughts like this isn't fair. Why do I have to do this. This is uncomfortable, whatever, and they'll get angry and resentful and frustrated for all the reasons. And it's so important to see that. Oh, and when you have your hand on your chest, you can be in the bathroom and you can say, What am I feeling? I'm feeling resentful to myself, like I don't want to why am I even doing this? Why can't I just not care? I can't tell you how many times I've had that thought, why can't I just not care in the moment, in the moment in front of the food. I didn't want to care, but then once I got out of that situation, I always cared. And so have a conversation with yourself in that moment. And you can also do step number one, embrace the desire, embrace the discomfort, and then in that moment, in that bathroom stall, decide what you want more. That's the third step. Decide what you want more. Yes, your primitive brain wants the food, but the true, authentic future focused you, the one that wants to be healthy, the one that wants to take yourself seriously, the one that wants to like herself more, feel more joy and comfort in her body. Decide what you want more from her. What does she want more? She wants to feel proud after you leave that event. She wants to feel more in control. She wants to feel like she's stronger. She wants to lose weight. She wants to do this permanently. She wants to feel like she's in control of her body and mind and her eating. She wants to not think about this so much. Now, one of the things you might be thinking about right now is Courtney, I know you say that you help people feel in control and not think about this so much. Yes, definitely. But you have to do the work first. I've had some clients say, I know you said, I'm not going to be thinking be thinking about it, but I'm thinking about it so much more. I'm like, yeah, yeah, exactly. We have to do the work, right? If you want to become a doctor, you have to immerse yourself into all the schooling it takes to become a doctor, then to eventually be able to be a doctor and have it be easy. So yes, you will think about it less. Yes, you will feel in control. But for now, you really need to lock in and decide what you want more in that moment. It might be simple things. I know for me, I always sleep better when I eat the way my future focused, authentic self decides I'm going to eat. It's just a little thing. Just a little thing. I know I'm going to sleep better. I mean, I'm going to feel better in the morning. I know for there was a time in my life when I was taking probably twice a week, like a sleep aid, and the only reason I was taking a sleep aid is because I was drinking caffeine later in the day, and I can't do that and sleep well, and I was eating chocolate too late at night, and that would always make me not sleep well. Or, you know, I was eating pizza. Pizza doesn't make me sleep well. My kids always make fun of me. I have bad dreams whenever I used to eat pizza. And so it got to a point where I was like, You know what? I think I wanted to stop the shenanigans of sleep aids, because I want to be a person who doesn't need caffeine later in the day it doesn't need to have chocolate later on in the end. I'm not saying I never do any of these things, but I got out of the habit of doing these things because I wanted to sleep better more often. I wanted to wake up the next morning and not feel like I wasn't myself. But I walk my clients through this process, I remind them how to do it, and sometimes they have different iterations of these processes. I've had clients, after a while, I'll say, Did you do the three step process? So sometimes they'll come on and they'll say, You know what I did really well. And I'll say, amazing. What did you do? I did the three step process. But I had a client, Christine, who I just loved. She lost, I want to say 15 pounds. I can't remember. 15, maybe more, maybe 17. I can't remember. And she told me, she goes. You know, I don't even have to do all three steps anymore. I just do step number three. And I said, Oh, fascinating. Tell me she goes. I just immediately am like, whoa. What do I want more here? I'm like, Oh, beautiful. So see, it got easier for her. So let's dive into this. If my clients tells me that they did stick to their protocol, if they did it, I say, amazing. How did you do that? Instead of just a Oh, yeah, you know, I yeah, I mean, I don't know. No, we need to really figure out. How did you do that, right? It's so important to know how it worked. It's so important to know why it worked. What did you do? It's great question to ask yourself, Are you glad? Are you glad? Glad you stuck to your protocol. You're gonna say yes, but it's so important to really think about it. Were you glad? Because so often, especially when women start working with me, at first, when they do well, they kind of negate it. When they don't do well, it's like, I'm a mess. I knew I would do this. Life is over sometimes. But then when they do well, they're like, Yeah, well, I mean, it was just one day and well, we negate our good processes. And so are you glad? Yes, be glad. Like, celebrate yourself. Be so glad. Did you still have fun? This is a big question to ask yourself, very important question to ask yourself, did you still have fun? Because oftentimes we have this thought error that we can't have fun and eat better for the rest of our lives, that we're going to be like giving up fun by doing this. And that's just not true. And I will tell you at first, sometimes your answer might be like, it would have been more fun to have that extra drink. It would have been more fun to be able to have all the food, and I get that, but you will find, the more and more you do this, you're gonna say, yeah, I really did have fun, because not only was I proud of myself, but I'm actually feeling better in my clothes than I felt in five years. And that is fun. And then another question you can ask yourself is, how could it have been more fun? I love the thought of being at an event and looking around and going, who can I connect with that I haven't connected with in a while? Who can I go say, Hey, how are you I've been thinking about you again. It's not about the food and drink anyway. So how could it have been more fun? Oftentimes, we think it was that Margarita, but it's not the margarita. What else could it have been when my clients come to a call and say they messed up? First of all, I'm always like, amazing. Tell me amazing. Great. Okay, let's go. My energy is always, let's go. What happened? And again, they're going to be like, I kind of just No, let's go deeper. What happened? Sometimes they'll say, Oh, I just changed my mind. No, no, what happened? Like, let's dive into that moment. What really to really help you understand yourself in that moment. We really need to increase your awareness so you understand what's going on with you. We don't know what feelings are driving your actions until you take the food away. So let me say that again, or let me explain that in a different way. If you did not do well, if you had promised yourself that you were going to eat in a certain way, you created a protocol, and then in the moment you gave up that plan, there were feelings that you did not want to feel. For example, maybe you say to me, okay, I wasn't going to eat. But then I just felt so guilty because my three girlfriends were there, and we've all been trying to lose weight, and I'm the only one that has lost weight, and they were looking at me, and they were commenting, telling me how proud they were of me, but I just felt guilty eating the way I had said I was going to eat. Okay, so in that moment when you give up your plan, it's because you are unwilling to feel guilty. You would rather people please and get rid of the guilt than feel that guilt. And then in addition, you get the delicious food. So it's a double whammy of pleasure. You get the delicious food, and then in that moment, the guilt goes away. I would coach you to understand that the only reason you feel guilt is you are having a thought, and that thought is optional. There's some kind of thought there. If you imagine you out there with your girlfriends having dinner, there is a thought like they think that I'm boasting, or they think I'm bragging, or they're going to think I'm too much by eating a certain way that really resonates with my goals the or I'm going to hurt their feelings. I'm going to make them feel like they're doing it wrong if I'm eating the way I planned to eat, and now I've made them uncomfortable, which then makes me uncomfortable. That is optional for you to think that way. You could decide to change your thoughts. What are other thoughts you could think? I am going to hopefully inspire them. I am going to tell them what I'm doing and encourage them. I am going to know that they are going to support me and that they're so excited for me. There's so many other ways to think about it, right? That is a very neutral circumstance. You're out to lunch with your girlfriends, even if they say something like, oh my gosh, you're so much stronger than me and oh my gosh, you've lost weight and I haven't. You can decide you know what this is going to be, okay. Hopefully I'm an inspiration to them. Hopefully it I can share some of the things I'm doing with them. There's so many other ways to look at the situation that will make you feel differently than guilt. At the very least, you could feel neutral about the situation. And then when you're feeling neutral, you're not feeling guilty. You can eat what you want to eat and let them eat what they want to eat. And everyone is in control of their own body and life. Maybe you're stressed out. Maybe. You're stressed because of one of your kids, or you're at an event that's bringing up a lot of sadness, or something like that, and all of a sudden you're sitting there and someone's like, Hey, do you want me to get you a margarita? And you're sitting there and you're like, you know what? Yeah, get me a margarita. And what came up is, if I say no, I'm gonna have to sit here and experience this sadness, or I'm gonna feel like I'm missing out. I'm gonna feel like it's not fair. You're gonna have a thought, it's not fair, and then you're gonna feel frustrated. The quickest way to get out of that frustration is to say, Screw my plan, and have the margarita. So we don't know what feelings are driving your actions or the avoidance of what feelings are driving actions, until you think about what's going to happen, what would have happened if I would have taken the food away. So ask yourself this question, what feelings would have come up if we would have stuck to our plan? I always ask my clients this question, were you glad you messed up? Now, listen, most of us are going to say no, but sometimes I've had clients that have said, Yeah, I was glad in the moment. I said, Screw it. I don't want to do this. But then I say, yes, but was there a moment, either that night when you laid your head on your pillow, or the next morning where you're like, oh, we need to face that moment. We need to acknowledge that moment that you do care, because then it'll be it'll be so much easier next time you run into that situation that you remember, I am going to care at some point. Would it have been less fun if you would have stuck to your protocol? Now, in the beginning of coaching with me, my clients often say, yeah, yeah, I didn't do what I wanted to do, and it if I had done what I wanted to do, if I would have not had the margarita, if I would have not had that second helping of a taco or whatever, it would have been less fun. I had more fun having the food. Why was it just because the food tasted so good for that two minutes while you were eating it, or why is it because you have a strong connection with food and pleasure? Is it just because that's what you've been doing for your whole life? Is that? Is it because this is how you were raised? Is it because all your friends were eating that way? Why we have to figure out the why for all of it. This is how you get better and better and better. And then you ask yourself, I ask you, and you ask yourself, how will you do better next time? Is it possible that you can go to an event like this, again with your girlfriends feel a little bit of guilt because you're worried that you're hurting their feelings because you're doing well. And can you allow yourself to feel that guilt love on them in every other way, through your conversation and through your encouragement, and then go home and say, I did it. How can you do that? Can you work that three step process? Can you coach yourself right before you walk into the restaurant? Can you allow them to say things and have it be okay that they might have thoughts about you? This is the practice. And when you do all these, when you do a deep dive into what happens when you're one bite away from giving in, when you do a deep dive to whether you did well or whether you messed it all up, you start to understand how to do better in the future. This is the work we do in my program. This is what it takes for you to change your habits. This is what it takes for you to get better and better and better at eating better and getting healthier for the rest of your life. We do this same work. When someone says, You know what, I keep trying to go to bed earlier and wake up earlier and get to the gym or go for my walk or do those push ups, and I'm just not doing it amazing. Let's dive into why. We uncover what's getting in your way, what is so hard about it. We discover there's discomfort either way, and we dial you into getting better and better at you becoming the woman who's so proud of the way she's living. If you loved this podcast, I would love to have you in my august group coaching program. There's so many details on the website. If you head to Courtney Gray coaching.com it's my foundational modern body Modern Life program. We start August 13, and we're going to go all the way into the week before Thanksgiving, and then the last call is going to be a workshop I'm going to do to get you dialed for the holidays. So you are going to not only have lost between 10 to 15 pounds, but you are going to roll into the holidays, knowing how to have the most amazing holiday ever and continue losing weight is going to be so powerful. I'd love to have you join us. If you have any questions, please join me for my virtual open house. I would love to chat with you. I'd love to coach you. If you have some questions, some special circumstances, you're you're wanting to talk with me, and I'd love to talk. You. I hope you have a great Tuesday. If you are ready to lose weight and keep it off permanently and feel confident and at peace around food, I invite you to head to Courtney Gray coaching.com to learn about how to work with me. I work with women privately, one on one, and I also offer small group coaching. There is a link to my website in the show notes. You.