When to Give Yourself Grace, or Kick Yourself in the Ass

We’ve all been there—caught in that moment of going back on a decision. Do I push myself to follow through, or do I give myself permission to change my mind?

In this episode, I dive into the delicate balance between extending grace to yourself and giving yourself the loving “kick in the ass" that you sometimes need to stay aligned with your goals.

I share:

• How to tell the difference between your inner voice (future-focused self) and your primitive brain (present-focused self).
• Real-life examples of when it might be time to rest… and when it’s actually time to step up.
• Powerful questions you can ask yourself in the moment to gain clarity, including:
  • Does this decision move me closer to or further from my goals?
  • At the end of the day, which choice will I be proud of?
  • Am I being realistic, or am I aiming for perfection?
  • What feels most loving to me right now?
• Why sometimes the most loving act is following through with the plan you made for yourself.

This episode will help you start recognizing when to show compassion to yourself—and when to challenge yourself—so you can build trust, follow through, and live the life you really want.

✨ Your homework: Start practicing these questions in real time. The more you ask, the more you’ll learn to recognize the voice of your true self versus your primitive brain.

Interested in speaking with me about how we can work together? Click here to head to my website: https://www.modernbodymodernlife.com/ and schedule a free consultation with me.

Transcript

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Sarah, welcome to modern body, modern life, the podcast for women who want to feel powerful, healthy, strong and confident, inside and out at every age. On this podcast, we talk about becoming a woman who is fully in control of her eating and movement, so weight loss, strength and energy become permanent. We also talk about something bigger, becoming the woman who takes her deepest desire seriously and goes after more in every area of her life. I'm body and life coach Courtney Gray, and I believe you can get in the best shape of your life at any age, and when you do, it becomes a catalyst for everything else, your relationships, your confidence, your joy, because when you feel like you and your body, all of life gets better. Let's get started. Welcome to the podcast episode 99 when to give yourself grace or kick yourself in the ass, welcome. This is going to be a fun one. I'm going to give you a lot of questions to ask yourself in that moment, and I want you to think of a moment recently that you've been in this space. I'm gonna give you a bunch of examples. So maybe you keep telling yourself you want to wake up earlier in the morning, maybe, if it's just because you want to organize your day and not be like running, running, running. Or maybe you want to work out in the mornings, or maybe you want to journal in the mornings, you know who you are, or maybe you want to start going for a walk in the mornings, whatever. And in that moment, your primitive brain is hammering at you. You need more sleep. You didn't get enough sleep. Sleep actually is going to help you lose weight. So you really should go back to bed, hammering at you all these different things. Oh, your neck is kind of bothering you. It's not a good day to start a new workout routine to be able to diagnose in that moment what's true. You know, what am I listening to my what I truly desire? Am I listening to my primitive brain? How do I know? This came up a lot this week with my private clients as well as my group coaching clients this middle of the road, I don't even know what, which part of my brain is even talking to me, and so let me give you some more examples. Maybe you have been eating really, really well, and you're at a party, and all of a sudden they have your favorite cake, and you're sitting there going well, I hadn't planned on having dessert tonight, but I've been eating really well. Is I've been eating really well an excuse to just, like, go off your plan? Or is it like I've been eating really well and I want to live a beautiful life that includes some of my favorite foods, and Courtney says I don't have to go on a diet. So how do I know what decision to make in the moment. You've heard me on the podcast talk about acting from your future self or your present self. How do you know which one doing this thing is aligned with in my program, I teach my clients how to understand the difference between what they truly desire and something that's just an in the moment urge. And I teach them how to do this by creating a protocol, whether it's with their food or their workout. A protocol basically is just a plan, a plan that you make, usually first thing in the morning, and in that moment you're making it with your true self, your prefrontal cortex, but then in the moment, right whether it's at four o'clock or at three o'clock or whatever, in the moment, their primitive brain tells them to have another serving, to have another drink, not to go on that walk, to just watch TV, not record that podcast, all the things that their permanent brain really wants them to Just be happy in the moment. And so they know most of the time that this isn't what they truly desire, because it's not on their protocol. But what happens in those moments where you're kind of sitting there going, I had a plan, but I there's a part of me that this time it feels different, this time it feels different. And I really am thinking, is this what I truly desire, or is this my primitive brain? I don't really know. Do I need to give myself grace, or do I need to kind of kick myself in the ass and stick with the plan? Also, another way of speaking to what we're talking about here today on the podcast is is, are you listening to your inner voice, or are you listening to your another way to say it is like your internal alarm system, your inner voice we can think of as your prefrontal cortex, the future focused you versus your internal alarm system, which is your present, focused you, your primitive brain that is really wanting to keep you safe, wanting to keep you rinsing and repeating a life that you've been living, a body that you've been living. So that's what we're talking about. Is it your inner voice in that moment, or is it my inner alarm system? So often when I'm working with my business clients, when women are hiring me to help them make more money. Me, they're like, this feels scary, this feels intimidating. I feel like a fraud, all of these things, and they're letting those thoughts stop them from speaking out and sharing their offer with the world, or really selling hard, or putting themselves on social media, or walking into a company saying, I can be of assistance to you, or or or telling someone book a consult with me, I can help you with that oftentimes is their internal alarm system saying it is not safe for you to do this. So how do you know? How do you know when you're sitting there in the moment going, Is this my internal alarm system, or is this my inner voice really guiding me that I really need to maybe change my plan and implement some self care. How do you know what you need? How do you know what voice is speaking to you? As women, we are not very good at giving ourself grace. In fact, you might even hear this and think, Oh, I'm always kicking myself in the ass, but I want to make sure you know when I say kicking yourself in the ass, I say that with love, most of us are good at being mean to ourselves, telling ourselves, you know you're going to fail. You know you're going to just eat the thing you always do that. Oh, you did it again. That's not quite the ass kicking I'm talking about. So when I'm saying to you, do you need to give yourself grace, which we all know what that means, or kick yourself in the ass. It's do you need to give yourself grace? Or do you need to give yourself a coaching kick in the ass? Meaning like, let's go. I know you're tired. Let's go. Let's really do this. I know you want one more drink, but let's go. You can up leveling. That's kind of the ass kicking I'm talking about. I don't want you to get this confused with all of the negative maybe ass kicking you've been doing to yourself for years. We as women especially need to gain experience giving ourself grace, and sometimes giving yourself grace is actually giving yourself a kick in the ass to do the thing that you keep telling yourself you want to do. But you see, even as I'm talking about it, it can get a little muddily. It can get a little muddily. We have also spent a lot of time listening to our primitive brain. If you are at a place in your body or your life that you really are like, Oh, I know I can do better. I have been really not living the way I want to. I'm not reaching my full potential. You've been listening to your primitive brain. That's not the same as giving yourself grace. So here are some things to consider in the moment when you are wondering, do I need to give myself grace? Is this giving myself grace, or do I need a good old ass kicking? Okay, so I'm going to give you a bunch of things to question, and you're not going to be able to remember all of these things in the moment, but I would choose a few that you really resonate with, and so you have on hand to next time you have this moment, you can ask yourself these questions, and if you really are struggling with something specific, I have a few clients that are really struggling with getting up a little earlier to get their life going in the way they want to. For you, I would suggest writing all of these down, putting them in your phone and having a moment to read through these and answer them before you make your decision. Are you going to go back to bed? Are you going to hit snooze? Are you going to give up on your plan when you have a plan? And it's always great to make a plan ahead of time, because then you're using your prefrontal cortex when you have a plan, and then in the moment, you are reconsidering changing that plan. Here's the first thing I want you to ask yourself, Does my new plan? Does this new change I want to make to my protocol help me move closer or farther away from my goals? Does this new plan help me in any way now it probably helps you in the moment, especially if it's like if I change the plan, I can go right back to bed, if I change the plan, that I can eat dessert and not think about this, if I can change the plan that I can plan that I can have drinks and decide to start drinking less tomorrow. But does it help you? So there might be a little help. It might be a more of a dopamine help in the moment. But does your new plan help you in any way? Does your new plan move you closer or farther away from your goals, and this is where you get to be radically honest. Does making this change take care of my body, or is it just giving me a dopamine rush in the moment now in the past, you might not have trusted yourself to make this decision, to really answer this question and make this decision, but here's what I want you to do when you start asking yourself these questions, even if you end up going back to bed, even if you end up eating the cake or sleeping in whatever, then afterwards, you can re ask it and say, Was I being radically honest? Am I happy with my decision? And that's a few other questions down the road I'm going to give to you. But. You start to when you're when you're willing to be radically honest, in the moment you start to understand yourself at a deeper level. And the second question is kind of an add on to the first question. It's at the end of the day when I lay my head on my pillow, which decision am I going to be glad? Which choice am I going to be glad I made? Now here's what I find, the true you who really wants what you want for yourself, wants your desires to manifest in your life, wants to become the woman who lives differently at the end of the day, she is who you're connected to. Very rarely does someone say, You know what, I'm just gonna have more drinks. It doesn't matter. And then that night, when they lay their head in the pillow, or maybe because the alcohol, maybe we should consider the next morning. For many people, very rarely do they say, Oh, I'm really glad I did that. That was a really good choice. So if you ask yourself these two questions, does this new plan that I'm considering making move me closer or farther away to my goals, and at the end of the night or tomorrow morning, am I going to be happy? I did it. Am I going to be happy? I changed my mind? That gives you a lot of clarity, because at the end of the day or the next morning, that is when you are more connected to what you truly desire. Because in that moment, you're not running from your primitive brain just wanting the happiness, the pleasure in the moment, to get out of any pain in the moment. So here's the next question, how often am I changing this specific plan? We change plans all day. We are very good, especially as women, at pivoting and making new decisions and making in the moment decision. But how often have you been telling yourself I want to do this differently and I'm changing my plan in the moment that should give us some real clarity to help us understand that if it's happening over and over and over and over, if you keep telling yourself you want something and you keep not doing it, I think we know in the moment you can't probably trust yourself. That's probably your primitive brain. So in that moment, you're not going to be like, I need to give myself grace. In that moment, it sounds like you're going to need to kick yourself in the ass. And can that be a beautiful process? Can you do it? And then can you be really proud of yourself after when it comes to how you're feeling in your body? Does this new plan, whether it be giving up on the workout you said you were going to do, whether it's eating because you feel like I think I'm a little bit hungry, or cutting a workout short because you're feeling exhausted and you've done so much with your workout. Does this new plan support me? Because I really, actually feel physically exhausted. I actually feel physically hungry, maybe I've been pushing myself really hard. Is that happening or do I just need to get up and get moving? Are you actually physically hungry or physically tired, or is it just your habit to give up so your brain is telling you we shouldn't be doing this. We might get physically tired, we might injure ourselves, we might get hungry. That's something to really ask yourself. And then, if it then let's just talk specifically about hunger. If you're going to bed at 10pm and it's 9pm and you feel a twinge of hunger, can that be okay? Can you let your body dine in if you have extra weight to lose, can you let your body go into its food stores, as opposed to you eating one more thing, remembering that you could go two weeks without food and you'd be fine. We don't suggest it. It sounds horrible to me, but there are people that fast for you know, health reasons for that long, and they survive if you have created a habit where you're always eating in the evenings. When you stop eating the evenings, your body is going to be like what is happening? No, no, no, we need some food, and it is going to deliver some hunger cues, because it's not used to that. So in that moment, do you need to give yourself grace, because maybe you actually are hungry and you feel like, wow, I actually feel nauseous. I don't feel good. Maybe give yourself grace and have a little something. Or do you need to kick yourself in the ass and say, we're going to be fine. Here's a little hack, actually. So I heard this. I don't know where I heard this, but it was so good. Someone said, if you're hungry in the evenings, before bed, and you're really worried, like, Oh, I think I really am hungry, if you say, okay, I can have some broccoli or some grilled chicken breast. Now do I want to eat? Oftentimes, what we want are pretzels and, like, a little pie. Popcorn or maybe a spoonful of peanut butter. And so if you say to yourself, Okay, I might I actually feel hungry do what? Am I willing to have some chicken breast, or am I willing to have some raw broccoli or some raw carrots? That might make you go, No, I don't want broccoli and carrots and chicken. Well, then maybe you're not really hungry. Maybe you're just wanting a snack, because that's what you've been doing for a long time, and your primitive brain is telling you you deserve a snack. So when it comes to your body, is it because I'm really physically exhausted? Is it because I really am physically hungry? Like we've got a problem here, SOS kind of thing, or do you just need to kick your own ass and say, No, we've got we've got this. We're going to keep with, stick with the plan. Here's the next question, am I planning for perfection? Do I need to be a little bit more realistic with my plan? So we have all in our society been used to thinking this, I have to be perfect in order to lose weight, I have to give up everything in order to lose weight. I'm going to start running tomorrow, when I haven't run in six months. So that's the question, Do Do I need to give myself some grace and think, you know, I think I just need to start smaller. Maybe I'm just going to start walking for 20 minutes, if you've not worked out at all in a very long time. Maybe what sounds a little bit more like Grace is, let's start out with a brisk walk for 20 minutes. There's a huge up leveling in building the consistency in that. Or do you need to decide, You know what, I'm going to wake up a half hour earlier, not an hour earlier, because an hour feels like too much. Sometimes, the reason we are not following through is we are being a little too hard on ourselves. And we actually do need to give ourselves some grace, but you need to ask yourself, Am I being too perfect? Am I setting my sights so high that then I don't do anything? Sometimes we can do that. We can say to ourselves, I'm going to do this and I'm going to do this and I'm going to do this and I'm going to do this, and then all of a sudden we have a day, and we are so exhausted from our schedule or from working or from being with our kids or whatever, we finally have time off, and we actually need to give ourselves a little bit grace. And that leads me into the next question is, can I find a middle ground if you are feeling maybe physically exhausted, maybe a little overwhelmed? Yes, we can coach ourselves out of it. We can reframe it and think, What do I want to think on purpose? That's a beautiful way to give yourself some grace. But also, another thing might be, maybe you're putting too many things on your plate, and then you look at it and you just give up all of it, because you think I can't do that. Oftentimes, I was talking to a client about this this week, as she works very hard. She works very long hours, and she had a day off, and she, I think she over scheduled herself on that day off. And then when it came time to doing it, she physically thought, I'm exhausted. I need to rest. My body needs to rest. And she did let her body rest, but then she had an internal dialog going on, kind of a little bit of shame on you. And unfortunately, that's not what we want to do. We want to give ourselves grace and say, no, no, no, I've changed my mind. I really realized that I am physically and maybe even a mentally exhausted, and I think I put too much on my plate, and so what I coached her to do is, next time I would put a few things on your plate that you can do, and then take the rest of the day to recharge and to give yourself grace and realize I do need some downtime. Maybe for you, can you find a middle ground? We are so hard on ourselves. We are so all or nothing. So many of my clients, they will tell me on the first day of coaching, I'm very black or white. I'm very all or nothing. It's very, very common for us women. But can you find a middle ground where you're maybe you're almost finding a middle ground of giving myself a little grace and kicking myself in the ass, like, let's go. We're going to do a 30 minute walk, and then the rest of the day we are going to give ourselves grace, and we are going to really rest. And here's one of the most beautiful things you can ask yourself on repeat, what feels loving to me? What feels like love? Does it feel loving to sleep in 30 minutes when you told yourself, and you've been telling yourself for a long time that you were going to get up a half hour earlier? Only you can answer that question, but if you're being really radically honest, maybe even pause the podcast and think about this one thing you have been meaning to do, and think what, what would be loving? Would it be loving to give myself a break again, or would it be loving to actually kick myself in the ass and say, Let's do this. Does it feel more loving to give up on your plan in the moment, or does it feel more loving to build trust with yourself that you are going to do what you can. Keep saying you're going to do. This is very personal, and it's sometimes can be tricky because it's hard to know in each moment, but if you get good at asking yourself these questions, even if you jot them down in your phone, you know, I think what I would love for you is next time you're at a party and you've decided to, maybe you already ate dinner and you've decided to go to the party and have one drink. And especially as we roll into the holiday season, my friend, right? You decide I'm eating dinner at home. We're going to a party. The party doesn't even start till seven, which is for me, late. So then you go to the party and you're gonna have one drink, and you go to the party, and now you want two drinks, and now you want some appetizers. I would love for you to go into the bathroom and have these questions in your notes app, and be able to really say, What feels loving here? Does it feel loving? Because I have been working so hard for the last two weeks, my diet has been dialed i haven't had dessert. I'm the weight I want to be, and right now, in this moment, I think I just want to actually allow myself to have one more cocktail and allow myself to have a brownie bite. Maybe that feels loving. I'm on board. If you go through these and say, Yeah, you know what? I think I'm actually going to be really proud of myself, that I can prove to myself, that I can maintain my weight. I can prove to myself I'm not going to completely fall out of the wagon and go on a binge for the next week because I made the decision. Let's see how it goes. Be curious and have a little experiment, and then at the end of the night, or maybe the next morning, I always love to say, the next morning, if there's alcohol involved, ask yourself, am I glad I did that? I have done this for myself, and I have found that there have been times where I'm like, You know what? I like, you know what? I'm really glad I did do that. I'm really glad I did have the extra thing. Life is meant to be lived. And in that moment, I actually thought, this does feel loving. I'm really, actually liking this decision. Now most of the time, I will tell you the most loving choice is sticking to your plan, and I would hope for you that you get better at doing that and finding love in that, and then after you've done the work to really be able to understand your brain and be able to know what real love feels like for yourself, then you can start playing around with this a little bit, and you can say, You know what, I think I can have a cocktail, or I think I can have an extra taco, or whatever it is in the moment. And then you get really good at in the moment knowing what you truly want. This is the work I do with my clients. By the time they finish working with me, they are so much better at knowing. When someone says, Do you want this or do you want that, knowing where it lines up for them, knowing, does this sound fun, even though it wasn't planned, or am I actually feeling exhausted, and I think I need a physical rest day from moving, moving my body, or does it feel more loving to stick to my plan? I feel like I have a very good sense of that, and I know my clients right now are learning to get a better sense of that. So homework for all of my lovely clients. I love you guys listening to this podcast, your homework is to really start getting more and more aware of is this a moment where I need to give myself grace, or is this a moment where I need to kick myself in the ass and afterwards evaluating, was I right in the beginning when I started doing this work? Sometimes I'd be like, No, you weren't hungry. You told yourself you were hungry, and then you had an Eggo waffle with peanut butter. And you did not need that echo waffle with peanut butter at 930 at night, I got really good at starting to understand my brain and experimenting and asking myself all these powerful questions, and it helps you know yourself at a deeper level. I hope these questions were helpful if you have a girlfriend or a mom or a sister or a son, anyone that you think would benefit from listening to my podcast. It would mean so much to me if you would forward them this episode, or any of the episodes that you're like this was good. I would love for you to share the goodness with your friends and family. Get this podcast out to more people, because I really believe that this podcast is helping people do what feels loving to them, helping people learn to trust themselves, helping people become women or men who actually feel in control, not only of their eating and their body and their health, but of their whole life. You can use these questions for things that have nothing to do with food or body. I've used these questions when all of a sudden I feel like, okay, I know I said I was going to record a podcast, but you know what? I'm feeling really exhausted, and then I'll ask myself some of these questions. Courtney, at the end of the day, what are you going to be glad you did? Courtney, what really feels loving you. Are you exhausted? Do you need to take a day or do you need to just kick your own ass and bang out a powerful podcast and be done with it? Am I planning to be too perfect? What's going on with you? Courtney, does this new plan support me because I feel exhausted and I've been pushing myself really hard, or do I just need to kick my own ass I ask myself these questions with all the things I do in my life. So I hope you have a great Tuesday for information on how we can work together. Head to modern body, modern life.com. To schedule a consultation with me. I'm currently coaching women privately, and I offer group coaching programs you.