People Pleasing, Food Pushers & Saying YES to Yourself

In this episode, I talk about one of the biggest challenges my clients face—people pleasing, especially around food and the holidays. December brings more gatherings, more comments, more food pushers… and more pressure to say yes when what we really want is to stay aligned with our goals.

I share why people pleasing feels so tempting in the moment and how it actually connects back to our primitive survival instincts. I walk through common situations—like taking a drink you don’t want, eating something because someone made it “for you,” or choosing food based on how you think others will judge you.

I also teach you how to stop people pleasing by:

• deciding ahead of time what you truly want,
• understanding your “why,” and
• choosing thoughts on purpose when comments or pressure come your way.

And if you’ve been calling yourself a “people pleaser,” I show you how to shift into the identity of a recovering people pleaser so you can start honoring your own decisions with more confidence.

This episode will help you enter the holidays—and the new year—feeling more grounded, intentional, and committed to saying yes to yourself.

Interested in speaking with me about how we can work together? Click here to head to my website: https://www.modernbodymodernlife.com/ and schedule a free consultation with me.

Transcript

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Bob, welcome to modern body, modern life, the podcast for women who want to feel powerful, healthy, strong and confident, inside and out at every age. On this podcast, we talk about becoming a woman who is fully in control of her eating and movement, so weight loss, strength and energy become permanent. We also talk about something bigger, becoming the woman who takes her deepest desire seriously and goes after more in every area of her life. I'm body and life coach Courtney Gray, and I believe you can get in the best shape of your life at any age, and when you do, it becomes a catalyst for everything else, your relationships, your confidence, your joy, because when you feel like you and your body, all of life gets better. Let's get started. Welcome to the podcast episode 108 people pleasing food pushers and saying yes to yourself, December is here. I cannot believe December is here already. I feel like this year has gone by so fast as we're headed towards the end of the year, and I'm starting to think about my goals for next year, and I'm already planning my groups for next year, and all that is coming. Stay tuned. Very exciting. But as I'm doing all that, I feel like it was just a few months ago I was doing this for last year, so I'm just, I don't know about you, but I feel like Time is flying right now, but I'm excited to be here to talk to you about people pleasing. Let me ask you, are you a people pleaser? Consider this before listening on, because I'm going to really answer to that. Are you a people pleaser question at the end, many of my clients, before I even ask them about people pleasing, they will say they are a people pleaser, and most of my clients specifically mean it around food. We don't necessarily people please with everything in our life. It's not like we don't have any backbone at all, but when it comes to food, with people please. The definition of people pleaser is when you feel a strong urge to please others, even at your own expense. And so what does this really mean? It means that we are trying to manage other people's feelings, so then it manages our feelings. But we need to remember that other people's feelings are coming from their thoughts, their beliefs, whatever we do, they get to choose what they want to think and believe. They might not know this, but that's okay. It is their job. We know this. We are starting to learn this right. What I want for you at the end of this podcast is I want to give you almost like a coat of armor of new information, new thoughts and new tools to be able to stop being a people pleaser, if you identify as one, or stop people pleasing if it ever occurs to you to do so, I think we all people please. Once in a while, sometimes we want to people please, but I'll get into more of that later. People pleasing seems to be an ultimate high around the holidays, and I really haven't put my finger on exactly why, but here are some of my guesses. I think during the holidays, we spend time with people that we love, but people that we don't necessarily spend a lot of time with. And so sometimes we aren't 100% comfortable, 100% safe, truly being ourselves around these people. So sometimes we end up people pleasing because of that. I also think the food pushers come out in full force during this time of year. What am I talking about? You know, what I'm talking about is people who feel like what you are eating and not eating is their business. They either give you looks or they either comment and they tell you you should be eating more. Maybe you shouldn't be eating that. Or, I was talking with a client last week, and she was telling me that a lot of her family members, you know, comment on Eat, eat, but then also, like, 20 minutes later, comment on how certain family members are getting chunky. So it's just, it's a wild ride, and it just seems to me that during the holidays food pushers, it's almost like they feel justified in pushing the food. Another reason I think we give in to people pleasing during this time of year is because we are simply busier. We have more on our to do list. We are maybe a little bit more tired. Maybe we feel pulled in a lot of different directions. We have more coming at us like we there's so much more on top of all that we do already. And so what happens when all of a sudden we think we're sitting there thinking to ourselves, you know what? I think I do want to have another cocktail, or I do want to have another piece of pie. We're thinking, we want that, and we're like, No, we're going to stick to our plan. And then someone goes, Oh my God, have one. Oh my God, have one. Or if you don't have one, then I'm going to feel bad about the one I'm eating or I'm drinking. Then we're sitting there thinking, feeling bad. On top of that, feeling bad that we're having to manage if we if we hold our ground, is if we give in to people pleasing, we get the food. Food. So we get the sweet relief when we people please. So people pleasing isn't all negative outcomes. That's why so many people do it is you do oftentimes get the relief. It's not like when we people please, we're eating rocks. It's not like when we people please. We're like carrying, you know, logs through the desert. We're usually doing something that tastes delicious or that is kind of fun, is something that it's not getting us toward our goals, but something that is is kind of fun or delicious in the moment, there can be so many examples of people pleasing. Maybe you don't say what you really want to say in the moment because you don't want to upset someone. Maybe you feel like your opinions are not going to be welcome, so you just stay quiet. Maybe you eat certain foods because everyone else is eating those certain foods because you don't want them to think that you think you're better than them, or that you are have better willpower than them. Maybe you don't give your opinion of what you want because you want to keep the peace and you just want to go with the flow. Maybe you take the cocktail that's handed to you because everyone else is drinking, and you don't want to hurt the host's feelings. That's happened to me many times where people hand me a cocktail, people don't know that I don't drink, and they'll hand me one that's already made, and it's beautiful, and then I feel this. Oh, right, that's hard to do. Can you relate with this common scenario that I hear so much from my clients? Let's say you go to lunch with a bunch of girlfriends, and a few of your girlfriends that you love are sitting there, and maybe you're trying to lose a little weight or get healthier, maybe eat better, and they're also doing the same, trying their best. Maybe you've talked about it before, and maybe they've made comments about how you're looking great, or, wow, you're I wish I could be as disciplined as you, or, wow, I wish I could do this or do that, like, appraising you. But then there's also comments about how, like, oh, you know, don't judge me because I'm eating this, or you must think that I shouldn't be eating this. They make kind of those comments. And then when it comes time to ordering or not ordering what you really want, you people please, because you feel like if I get what I truly want, what's best for myself? If I'm trying to eat better and I'm trying to make a decision that's aligned with my future goals, I am going to hurt her feelings, which is then going to make me feel guilty. That's the classic, classic people pleasing. But here is what I want you to know, she is responsible for her own thoughts and feelings about everything. She's responsible for her own thoughts and feelings about what she's eating, and she is responsible for her own thoughts and feelings about what you're eating. She's responsible for herself. You're responsible for you. People pleasing seems like it comes from like a sincere, altruistic place, like one where we want others to be happy because we don't want to hurt their feelings. But what it really does is it comes from a desire for their approval so then we can feel comfortable, but we can also realize that people pleasing is a survival instinct. I can't remember what book I read long ago that talked about this concept, but it really took people pleasing to a deeper level. For me, it made me understand people pleasing at a deeper level. And so this book talked about how in early tribal days, in order for people to survive, they had to be in tribes. They couldn't be wandering the Sahara by themselves and survive. It took a tribe of people to do all the things that human beings needed to survive. And so if we think of people pleasing as a survival instinct, we think of being in that early tribe, and wanting the tribe to like you, wanting them to feel that you're a value, not wanting to disrupt the tribe, not certainly not wanting them to think any negative thoughts of you. Because if you were by chance, kicked out of the tribe, it meant death. So if we think of people pleasing, even though, of course, it has evolved and it doesn't always serve us most the time, I don't think it does, we can understand like, oh, it makes sense that it is part of my survival instinct to make all these three women that I'm at lunch with to make them have good thoughts about me so I can feel good because I don't want to be kicked out of the tribe because at a survival primitive brain level, that means death to me. Now we know that we have evolved to a place where it doesn't mean death anymore, but for some reason that really helped me understand, oh, people pleasing really is a survival instinct. It's just like so many things, with our primitive brain, it's just no longer really helping us survive now. Now it is actually getting in the way of us thriving. Because even if you were to be kicked out of the tribe, kicked out of the group, kicked out of the friend circle, you will not starve, you will not die. At this point. So before I get into how to not people please, especially this holiday season, one thing you might want to do is, next time you find yourself people pleasing, instead of trying to course correct and stop in the moment, just really ask yourself, what is going on here and and even take a moment to go, Oh, I'm people pleasing. This is so fascinating, and don't be mad at yourself about it, but just really get fascinated by it and say, what is it I'm trying to control here? And diagnose what's really going on. What am I trying to control here? What do I want her to think and feel, and what do I want to think and feel? What am I also trying to avoid? Am I trying to avoid guilt? That's a big one with people pleasing. It seems like that's one of the biggest, most common emotions. I see that people are people pleasing because they don't want to feel guilty. They feel like their decisions of whether to do or not do something is going to make someone else feel bad. But remember that by people pleasing, because we don't want them to feel bad, because then we will feel bad, what we do is just say I will be the only one that feels bad, because then I'm not going to be saying yes to myself. And I think especially as women, we are pretty good at doing this. We are pretty good at taking one for the team, but it's just silly at this point. We are intelligent enough to be able to stop people pleasing. What I want for you is, I want you to practice this this holiday season, and so then as you go throughout the year, you don't do it as often. And if you ever do, decide to people please. I want it to be an active choice, a decision that has been made, and I want you to really like your reason. So if you're sitting there and you're considering not staying true to yourself by what you're eating, by what you're saying, by what you're doing, by what you're wearing, I think it's a really good practice to say, what is my reason, and do I like this reason? And sometimes you're going to find that you do like this reason, and that's okay, but I think most of the time when it comes to people pleasing, we don't really like our reason. So how do you not people please? Decide in advance a few different things. First of all, what do you want, like, what do you want to do, or what do you want to not do? What do you want to say, what do you want to wear, what do you want to eat, what do you want to drink? Make your plans of what you want ahead of time. You're always hearing me say that when, when we can get good at making decisions ahead of time. Those are well thought out future focus, goal oriented, true, desire, decisions. Then you're not confused in the moment. So decide in advance what you want and decide why you want it, and make it a compelling why something that really matters to you? It doesn't have to matter. Doesn't have to benefit the whole world. It can just be something that really matters to you. There's a lot of power in saying this matters to me, but really decide why it matters to you. But again, the why doesn't necessarily have to benefit all of mankind. It can be just because it's something you've wanted for a long time, because you want to feel better. It can be that simple, but it's important to understand what you want and then why you want it. And then, number three, decide what you want to think on purpose about any comments or looks or anything that comes at you. So when someone says to you, you aren't drinking, or why aren't you dressed up, or you have to have pumpkin pie, or you have to take a family picture, or I thought deviled eggs were your favorite or I made these for you, any of those kind of comments, what you think about that comment or question or statement is going to determine how you feel, and that's going to determine what you do, whether you people please or not. But you get to decide what you want to think about that comment. What you decide to think on purpose is where your power is now in the past, it's possible that you would think thoughts like, oh my god, I'm hurting their feelings, or, oh my god, they made that for me. They're going to think I'm rude. Or I have to have one. Or you might have had all those thoughts. Those thoughts are optional. You get to decide what you want to think on purpose. And some powerful thoughts that I'm going to just offer to you are, I get to do what's best for me. It's okay if they don't agree. I kind of talked about this last week a little bit. Not everyone has to agree with my decisions. It's okay. We're all on a different path. Her feelings are her responsibility. All these thoughts really make you realize that you get to do what you want to do for you. So remember, the reason we people please is we make what they're saying or doing mean something negative about us. So if your sister says something about your food choices, what you're eating or not eating, what do you intentionally want? Make it mean. And it doesn't have to be really positive. It doesn't have to be like, Oh, she loves me. She just wants to make I'm sure, I'm sure I'm having fun. It doesn't have to be that, but it can be like, You know what? It's okay that she disagrees with me. It's no problem when we realize that people pleasing is really us just escaping the ultimate feeling of negative emotion, right? We don't want them to feel any negative or negative emotion, be in any pain, because then we're going to feel negative emotion. We're going to be in pain when we realize that that's what we're doing. But then in the end, we're causing ourselves pain anyways, right? The discomfort is coming either way, but in the end, we are the ones that are suffering because we are not being true to ourselves, we are not doing what we truly want to do, and we're not living the way we truly want to live. When you recognize that there will be discomfort either way, it makes you choose your discomfort on purpose. And here is something I want you to know. I asked you in the beginning, are you a people pleaser? If you said yes, if you identify as a people pleaser, you have a very strong chance of people pleasing. We act in accordance to what we believe about ourselves. So in the beginning, when I asked you if you're a people pleaser, if you said yes, this is no problem. That's why I'm making this podcast for you, but I want to suggest you start thinking about yourself differently. Yes, you might people please sometimes, but I don't want you to identify as a people pleaser anymore. From this day on, if any, if anything, I want you to identify as a recovering people pleaser. Right? What if you change the way you think of yourself as a recovering people pleaser? How would that change how you showed up in situations? I believe that you would start thinking about it more intentionally, start having your coat of armor on, your fists up ready to go, knowing that that's what you used to do and you no longer want to do it anymore. So if you answered yes, I am a people pleaser. That does not mean you have to continue people pleasing, and it does not mean you are. It just means maybe you've been acting that way. And what I want for you is I want you to start saying I used to be a people pleaser, and now I'm really trying hard to say yes to what I want to do, and I want you to say yes to feeling the discomfort of standing up for yourself in that moment, as opposed to the discomfort of feeling guilty like you're in ownership of everyone's feelings and then not reaching your goals because you're putting you on the back burner. In Recap, how to not people, please decide in advance a few things. What do you want? Why do you want it? Make sure it's compelling and make sure it has to do with you and not the whole world. Decide what you want to think on purpose. And if you've been calling yourself a people pleaser, stop calling yourself a people pleaser. Start calling yourself a recovering people pleaser, and start noticing all the times from here on out. Since you've listened to this podcast, how you're actually not people pleasing, find evidence that you actually are getting better at this. And you used to people please, and you don't always do it anymore. If you have a friend that you've talked about people pleasing with before, I would love for you to share this podcast. The more non people pleasers, the recovering people pleasers in the world. I think it's going to be a better place for all of us. So I would love for you to share this podcast, and I hope you have a fabulous Tuesday for information on how we can work together. Head to modern body, modern life.com. To schedule a consultation with me. I'm currently coaching women privately, and I offer group coaching programs. I.