The Missing Piece to Getting What You Want

In this episode, I’m talking about what I see as one of the biggest missing pieces when it comes to getting what you want in your life.

We spend so much time focusing on doing more, learning more, or finding the right strategy… but what often holds us back isn’t a lack of knowledge, it’s our resistance to discomfort.

I share a real-time example from my own life that brought this into focus for me, and how quickly we can want to pull away when something feels uncomfortable, unfamiliar, or a little exposing.

This episode is about understanding that if you want to create something new—whether it’s weight loss, confidence, or growth in any area—you’re going to have to be willing to feel things you don’t currently feel.

Not because anything has gone wrong, but because you’re stretching into something new.

I also talk about how easy it is to misinterpret discomfort as a sign to stop, when in reality, it’s often a sign that you’re exactly where you need to be.

This is a powerful shift, because when you stop avoiding discomfort, you open yourself up to so much more possibility.

If you’ve been feeling stuck, or like you’re doing all the right things but not getting the results you want, this episode will help you see what might actually be getting in the way—and how to move forward in a completely different way.

I currently work with women privately to achieve their health, mindset, and body goals.  I would love to offer you a consultation HERE to discuss the changes you want to make to create more joy, health, and peace in your body and life.

Transcript

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Bob, welcome to modern body, modern life. The podcast for women who want to feel powerful, healthy, strong and confident, inside and out at every age. On this podcast, we talk about becoming a woman who is fully in control of her eating and movement, so weight loss, strength and energy become permanent. We also talk about something bigger, becoming the woman who takes her deepest desire seriously and goes after more in every area of her life. I'm body and life coach Courtney Gray, and I believe you can get in the best shape of your life at any age, and when you do, it becomes a catalyst for everything else, your relationships, your confidence, your joy, because when you feel like you and your body, all of life gets better. Let's get started. Welcome to the podcast. Episode 126 the missing piece to getting what you want, this is going to be a good one. I know that's I say that all the time, but it's only because I love this podcast. I love creating episodes that I know are going to be really transformational for you. And if you love this one, like I think you are going to, I would love for you to share it with a friend. I was listening to the Mel Robbins podcast the other day. I love the Mel Robbins podcast, and more and more she's having, like, the more popularity her podcast grows. She's just having some really great people on so I was listening the other day, and she does such a good job at saying, please share this with a friend. And I'm like, I'm gonna start doing that more often. It would mean so much to me. If you love this podcast, if you share it with a friend, thank you. Okay, so I'm going to talk about the missing piece to getting what you want, and this is getting anything you want in your life. What I see time and time again in coaching so many people on so many different things they want for their own lives is that what is keeping people from getting what they want is their resistance to discomfort. And I dive into what I really mean by all of that, but this, this does not negate the few podcasts I've done lately, like last week, I talked about spending more time in positive emotions than the week before that, I talked about creating more joy, more confidence, more peace. This podcast is not in opposition or it does not negate those podcasts. It really is an addition to those podcasts, because if you are like me, you want more positive emotions, more joy, more confidence, more peace. But at the same time, there's a missing piece for you. It is your resistance to discomfort. And maybe you're going to be like, I don't know, Courtney, I'm pretty good at all this, but I want you to still listen, because I want you to see how maybe this applies to you, because this is the work I am still doing in my own life. There's so many things I want from my life. I mean, I think very big. I love creating big visions, and I am very aware that what is possibly keeping me from moving as quickly as I was, I would like is potentially resistance to discomfort. So I'm going to start this podcast with a story in real time. I love tennis. Most of my girlfriends in town that play any kind of paddle sport, they play pickleball. And although I do like pickleball, and I have played pickleball, tennis is my jam. I never played in high school, so I don't have, like, a base of tennis skills or tennis knowledge that I can fall back on. So I played a little bit when I was in college, just for fun, like, I took a few lessons, and my husband and I were dating at the time we played, and then over the last few years, probably like six times a year, I've taken a lesson from a really amazing instructor, but I've never really played consistently to even make those lessons pay off. So last fall, I was like, Courtney. I talked to myself, Courtney, if you really want to get good at tennis and have girlfriends to play with and just enjoy it at a deeper level, you need to start playing. So I took some massive action. I joined my local Racquet Club. And even after I joined, I played a little bit, and then I just didn't. The weather kind of got bad, but I'm like, I don't care. The membership is still there for me. I'm going to when the weather gets a little better, I'm going to start playing. So before I take any more lessons, I've decided that I'm going to start a few times a week going out and playing what's called cardio tennis. It's this clinic they do. It's like a weekly they offer it like five or six times a week, and it's called cardio tennis. And you go out there and there's anywhere from 15 to 20 people, and it's a fast place. I don't know that. I consider it cardio, but it is fast pace, and it's like you hit the ball and then you quickly get someone else gets a chance, and it just gets you more practice hitting the ball, practice playing tennis. And the few times I did it last. Last fall, it was really fun, and I've been playing quite often with my husband, so I went out last week to play cardio tennis. Now, again, I haven't played in high school. I'm not that good at tennis, but I'm like, It's cardio tennis, it's gonna be fine. So I start playing the other night, and very quickly, within the first few minutes I'm I'm realizing I am not doing well, like, it's not pretty. I'm missing. I'm missing, and we're on teams, so you know, you want to do well for your team. And probably within about five minutes, I started feeling some discomfort, and it was some discomfort that I don't usually feel. And so one of the things I always do when I'm feeling any kind of negative emotion is I identify what the emotion is, where it is, and how it's feeling in my body. And I'll tell you why this is important in a minute. But I was sitting there as I was I hit the ball horribly, and then went to the back of the line, and I started feeling a negative emotion. And I even just said to myself, Oh, interesting. What do we got here? What do we got going on Courtney? And I really started identifying that it was in my chest, it felt very hot, very heavy, and I was like, What is this emotion? And I said, it's embarrassment, and it felt different than other negative emotions I feel on the day to day basis. I don't feel embarrassment very much. I'm a pretty high, confident person, and it's just not an emotion I'm very familiar with. And so I was sitting here thinking, Oh, isn't this fascinating? I'm feeling embarrassment. Now, if you'll remember the thought model I've taught you, embarrassment is a negative feeling. It's coming from a thought I'm thinking. So I said, What is the thought that I'm thinking? Because someone might say, Oh, well, you're embarrassed because you're not playing well. But some people might look at me in the way I'm playing and say, you're playing great, right? One of my kids would go, Mom, you're doing really well because they don't play tennis. They've never seen me play tennis. They might be impressed with how I'm I'm playing. The negative, embarrassed feeling is not coming from how I'm playing, it's coming from a thought about what is going on with me in that moment. And so I said, Okay, Courtney, what is the thought about the way I'm playing? If I say that, the way I'm playing is neutral, right? Some people out here might be like, she's great. Some people out here may might be like, my god, she's horrible, but let's say it's neutral. What is my thought? My thought is, I'm horrible. My secondary thought was, I'm the worst one out here. That was kind of possibly true, if I had to, and everyone else, if we all had a big consensus, it probably would have been true. So let's say that's even neutral. My thought was I should be better. I am doing horribly. The people that are on my team are bummed I'm on their team, and I could go on and on and on, my primitive brain was giving me lots of thoughts to think, and these thoughts were making me feel embarrassed. And so there's two things I can do in this moment. I can try to think something different, to try to change the way I'm feeling. I can try to sit there and say, You know what, this is no big deal. Not only is it just tennis, it's just a game, it's just a random Tuesday night. I can also say it's just cardio tennis. It's not like this is some League it. This is, you know, we're supposed to be here for fun. I could try to throw some new thoughts in the mix. And I tried, I tried to go, this is no big deal. This is no big deal. Like, people don't care that much. And then I kind of had a comment. I'm laughing now, I kind of had a comment from one of the other people in the group that led me to believe, Oh no, they care. They care that I am not doing well for the group. And honestly, I don't even remember the comment, but it was something like, yeah, you're hitting it right to them, and that's why we're getting out. Okay, I had a hard time coaching myself out of embarrassment in that moment. Sometimes when things happen, self coaching yourself into a better thought, into a better feeling, is totally possible, and it is worthy of your time. Very often throughout my day, I'm coaching myself, and I'm saying, oh, okay, what do I want to think on purpose? Is there another way to think about this? Is there a better thought that I could have? Right? And it works for me throughout my day, but in this moment, it was not working for me. So the other option for me in this moment is to allow the feeling of embarrassment, right? Instead of resisting it and telling myself I shouldn't be embarrassed, I need to think something different, like, like, this is a problem. I said, You know what? We are just going to feel embarrassment. Now let me tell you why this is so. Important for me. For years and years, I have had a self coaching practice where in the morning I write down the things that I am trying to create in my life. It's how much money I want to make, what my fitness level is, maybe the kind of connection I want to have with certain people in my life, how I want my house to look what kind of car I want to drive, what kind of vacations I want to go on. It's very fun. It's part manifestation. It's part focusing on what I'm creating. It helps me believe, ahead of time, that big things are possible for me. And one of the things I've been writing for the last year is I'm really good at tennis, and I have a lot of girlfriends and guy friends to play tennis with. That's that thought that I've been writing down every day is one of the reasons why I joined the tennis club. Because I was writing this thought down every day, admitting to myself, this is something I want. And one day, I finally said, if I want this, what am I going to fucking do? Courtney, what are you going to do to create this? And so I said, I think I need to join the tennis club. And I mentioned it to my husband. My husband goes, it's exactly what you should do. So I did. And so in this moment when I'm sitting there, not sitting there, I'm standing there, as I'm having this whole experience, I'm in line, I'm hitting, I'm getting back in line. Sometimes I'm hitting decent, sometimes I'm hitting horrible, and I am feeling this embarrassment as I'm going through and as I'm thinking about all this in my head, when I tried to coach myself out of it, when I tried to find a new thought that felt better, and that didn't work, and I said to myself, I energetically, put my hand on my chest. You've heard me on the podcast say before that when I'm alone, I'll put my hand on my chest to really get present and really admit something that I want to admit to myself, right? See the truth in something that's happened to me? Well, I didn't do that while I was playing tennis, because there was all these people around, but energetically, I did that to myself, and I said, Okay, I am not able to think a better thought that's going to make me get out of this embarrassment. So the work here, right now is to allow the embarrassment, instead of resist the embarrassment, the discomfort of the embarrassment. I am going to just allow it. I'm going to it's almost like, energetically, I put my arms out, like, let's go. I'm embarrassed. I'm embarrassed because I'm telling myself I should be doing better. People are bummed. I'm on their team. They're looking at me and judging me, and I'm embarrassed, and I am willing to feel that emotion. And the reason I'm willing to feel that emotion is because I've been writing in my journal for a year that I want to get better at tennis, so much so that I have people that say, Hey, do you have plans on Sunday? We need a fourth that's not going to happen unless I get better. I mean, maybe, maybe I'm going to get someone that's like, we don't care whatever. But I think that realistically, I want to get better so I feel good playing tennis realistically. When someone says, Do you want to play with us? I don't want to feel embarrassed because I've up leveled my tennis skill. What I want you to hear from this story is I tried to coach myself out of the embarrassment. I tried to think differently, and I was unable to do. So it's always a good idea to try. Why not? But then what I did is I allowed the negative emotion. I allowed myself to feel embarrassed because I want to get good at tennis and I want to have friends that I play with. I want it so badly that I'm willing, in the moment to feel a negative emotion, and I am want it so badly that I'm going to go again this week, and I'm going to do it again. I am going to potentially put myself in the fire of feeling embarrassed again. And here's what I know is going to happen, because I'm willing to feel it again. I'm going to get better and better at coaching myself through it on the way there, I'm going to say, probably out loud, because I coach myself out loud when I'm alone in my car. And I'll say, Courtney, you're you might feel some embarrassment, and that's okay. You're willing to feel embarrassment to get good at tennis. On the other hand, you might do a little better today, and you might have some better thoughts. Amazing. How great would that be? Amazing. But in the end, Courtney, we might feel embarrassed, and that's okay, we are going to be willing to feel negative emotion in pursuit of our goals. This is the missing piece for most people in getting what they want. They want something to be easy. They don't they don't necessarily say that to themselves, but I think at a subconscious level, they want it to be easy. So then, when it's not easy, they try to convince themselves they don't want it or it's not worth it. Now let's talk about the fact that these negative emotions were calling it discomfort, because I think for a lot of people, when they hear me say discomfort, that just doesn't sound that bad. And so let's dive into what discomfort truly is. Discomfort in the moment does not feel good. Discomfort feels kind of like, oh, this kind of doesn't feel good. But what discomfort is, some of the main uncomfortable emotions that people do not want to feel are shame, embarrassment, helplessness, guilt and fear and anxiety. And in fact, if I'm being on to myself now that I'm looking back, the embarrassment was the main emotion. But I think below embarrassment, at a deeper level, was shame. It was probably you shouldn't be here if you're this bad. It's almost like there was something fundamentally wrong with me that I wasn't performing better. That's shame. When we feel any of these helplessness, we can say that's discomfort, but helplessness feels horrible when we feel anxiety, like true anxiety to where it almost feels panicky, that feels horrible. So when I say discomfort, I want you to know like I'm not negating how bad it feels. But here's one way to look at discomfort, and I've said this before so many times on this podcast, is I could look at what I experienced the other night and say, hell no, I'm not going back. That felt horrible. But you know what else also feels horrible telling myself year after year after year that I love tennis, but yet I never play. What feels horrible is the possibility of me getting to the end of my life to where I legit can't play tennis anymore, because there will come a point in time where I can't play tennis anymore, and having potential regret that, like, Oh, why did I spend so many years telling myself I was too busy to play? Oh, I was I wasn't good enough to play. Oh, I went to that one clinic, and I felt really embarrassed, so then I stopped playing. There's discomfort in regret, there's discomfort in knowing that you're capable of more, but maybe you didn't fulfill that capability. So there is going to be discomfort in life either way. I just want you to choose the discomfort that is going to help you reach your goals. I want you to choose the discomfort, the shame, embarrassment, helplessness, guilt, fear, anxiety that is going to get you what you want, and in me being willing to feel that embarrassment with a side hustle of shame, I am going to go back and go back and go back, and I'm going to get better, and I'm going to prove to myself I'm so glad I was willing to feel embarrassed. And you know what else is going to do? It's going to do so much for me. You know what else is going to do for me? At some point, I'm going to convince my sister to come with me. Hey, you got to come. I want you to play tennis, because then I'll have someone else to play with. And she's so with, and she's so fun, and she's probably not going to be as good as me, because I've been playing more, and she's going to hit it wrong. And I'm going to see in her what I experienced the other night. I'm going to see this kind of, oh, God, I'm horrible at this. And I'm going to look at her and say, Hey, I've been where you're at. You're fine. You're let's just have fun. You're fine, and I'm going to be able to give to her what I didn't have the other night. I didn't have anyone going, you're fine. You've got this. So how cool is that going to be? I will tell you there was one girl there, and she probably doesn't listen to this podcast. Her name is Becca. I don't know her last name. I don't know anything about her, but I'll tell you something. She's an angel. Because as I was doing this and hitting bad and hitting it into the net and going through this, what am I feeling? Oh, my God, embarrassment while I'm trying to play tennis, embarrassment while I'm trying to remember what I'm doing, embarrassment while I'm trying to smile and pretend it's I'm not dying inside this one girl, Becca, looked at me when I had a good shot, and she goes good shot. And I looked at her, and I said, thanks. And then another bad shot, another bad shot, a decent shot. She looked at me. She goes way to go. She was so sweet that I looked at her, and I even gave her I put my tennis racket under my arm, and I gave her the signal of the heart, and I said, seriously, Becca, you're an angel. And this was probably nothing to her. It was probably nothing to her. For her, she was cheering everybody on, but she knew, I think, at a deep level, that I was, you know, like struggling a little bit. And. How amazing was she? I mean, she was like an example of what's possible, of how I want to show up in the world. She was amazing. She was like an example of who I want to be. Whenever I see anyone around me, and I can tell they're possibly experiencing a negative emotion, and maybe they need a little like someone to pull them up. So let me talk for a moment about what happens when we want something but then we're kind of feeling stuck not moving forward, which is a very frustrating place to be. So here we go again. It's like if you feel like you want something more for your life, think about that thing that you keep telling yourself you want to do okay, we need to acknowledge you're already experiencing negative emotion. It's probably frustration, it's probably shame, probably embarrassment, it's probably this whole kind of Oh my god. It's the mental whipping, telling ourselves we need to do it. We keep not doing it right? And so we're already experiencing negative emotion. And when we feel stuck, what happens? We usually over consume. And when I mean consume, we sometimes eat and drink to make ourselves feel better. Yes, totally consume actual physical things into our mouth, for sure. But when I what I'm really meaning is a lot of times we over consume good stuff, stuff that makes us feel good. We over consume podcasts, like this one, right? You listen and you feel so good. You might be buying the next book you've heard about is that's going to inspire you. Maybe you're listening to audiobooks. Maybe you're making plans, right? We over consume because that makes us feel good. We get excited about what is potential, but then also we make plans for the future. Now is not a good time to do this, but I'm going to start on Monday. I'm going to start after spring break. I'm going to start when the weather gets better. I'm going to start when I retire. That feels really good, too, because when we have a plan, we can kind of relax in the now, because we've got a plan, we can feel good about the plan. But then, if you're that type of person that make plans over and over and over and every time it gets time to to work that plan, you push out the plan. That's not helpful, too, and there's negative emotion involved in that. Another thing that happens when we're stuck not moving forward is we stay in confusion or indecision. We stay telling ourselves we don't know exactly how to get there, we don't know how we're going to write that book. We don't know what we want to write the book on, we don't know exactly what business we want to start. We don't know exactly how to talk to our boss about a raise. We don't know exactly how to talk to our partner about wanting to change the relationship. We don't know exactly what steps to take in order to get stronger. We stay in confusion, and there is safety in confusion if we're confused if we don't have clarity, the one of the reasons why people stay here so long is their safety. If we're not clear, we don't have to make a decision. If we're confused, if we say, Oh my God, there's so many different opinions, we don't have to move forward. I saw on Instagram the other day this girl was actually saying that one of the things that's keeping a lot of people stuck is is people aren't eating enough sugar. I literally laughed out loud. You can find evidence online for anything. This is good. This is bad. I mean, I never thought it would get to a point where I would hear someone saying that we need to be eating more sugar. At some point is someone going to start saying, we need to be hitting our children, possibly, maybe, now that I've said that out loud, my phone's sitting here, I'm going to start seeing that so when you're in confusion or indecision and not quite sure and doing the research, you're safe and so you don't have to feel any negative emotions. And there's so much fun that can come from researching and safety and not making a decision. Another thing that happens when we're kind of stuck not moving forward is we tell ourselves it's not possible, and oftentimes we tell ourselves it's not possible because maybe we don't have time, because it's not the right time, because we have circumstances in our lives that make things harder for us than for other people. Or maybe you tell yourself that it's just not possible for you because you're not the the woman to do this. You've never been able to do it. Maybe you're a really negative person. Maybe you're the type of person that has no motivation. Maybe you just don't follow through. Maybe you're like your mom and she never followed through either, and that's just how you're wired. So when we tell ourselves it's not possible, that feels so discouraging, but in a way, it also takes us off the hook. But again, you can see still some negative emotion there, because how. Sad to believe something's not possible for us, how discouraging to feel like maybe we're beyond maybe we're too old for that thing. And when we're telling ourselves something is impossible, part of that reason could be because we're worried we're going to fail. We're worried we're going to try something again, and then if it doesn't go, Well, we're going to tell ourselves a story about what that means, right? If I do this and it doesn't work, I'm going to shit on myself again. I'm going to tell myself, you knew you wouldn't be able to do it, and again, that would be discomfort. So can you see that there's discomfort in any area right now you're going to be in discomfort if you don't go all in on what you want. And you're going to be in discomfort if you do. My guidance for you is to choose the discomfort that is going to lead you to your dreams, to your desires, to the body you want, to the health you want, to the relationship you want, to the money you want, all the things you want, you're going to be willing, have to be willing to feel a level of discomfort, and it's not going to feel good. But if you choose that discomfort on purpose, acknowledging that you're already feeling discomfort, the discomfort you choose on purpose is going to make you stronger. I'm already the next time I go to play tennis, I'm already so proud of myself for going. In fact, it was interesting. I got home, and I walked in the house, and my husband goes, how'd it go? And I said, Ooh, that was not pretty. And he laughed. He goes, What do you mean, I said I was, by far, possibly the worst one out there. And he goes, That's not true. And I go, babe, even you, who has rose colored glasses when it comes to me, you would have agreed. And I said, That was hard. I felt a lot of embarrassment. And he was so sweet. He tried to coach me out of it. And I said, You know what? I tried to coach myself out of it. But I'm good. I'm so glad I went. I'm so proud of myself, and I'm going to feel that way again. And here's one thing I want you to know too. When I started feeling that negative emotion embarrassment, I right away was like, we've done this before. When I started doing webinars, it was the hardest thing I'd ever done in my business. I remember right before I pressed the Live button on my first webinar, not knowing how many people would show up, not knowing if I was going to be able to, you know, not stutter over my words, not knowing if people were going to ask questions and if I could answer them in real time, not knowing if I was going to talk too fast, or if I was going to get flushed, or if I was going to lose my spacing in my Microsoft Word document. I had no idea I was oh my gosh, terrified. Was probably the word I felt like I was going to cry and throw up at the same time. And because I was willing to do that over and over and over again, I think it took about five times for that to really get better, to where I definitely felt nervous and but it got better. I did that about five times, and doing webinars has been one of the biggest things to grow my business, and I was willing to feel that negative terror, embarrassment, possible, rejection, all those negative, nervous, anxiety feelings, in order to now, I am so good at doing webinars, I could, literally, right now, do a webinar in five minutes and not even be even nervous. At this point, I could speak in front of 200 people, not even nervous, not even nervous, because I've been willing to do it. So then, when I'm on the tennis court and I feel this negative emotion, although it didn't feel good, I was like, Oh, we've done this before. We've done this before. And is it worth it? Courtney, you've been writing down every day for the last year that you want to get better at tennis. Are you willing to come back? Am I willing to go back next week, two days, and possibly feel that again? I'm willing to do it because I know what's on the other end, I've proven to myself that I can feel negative emotion for me, and it is going to create an even more amazing life for myself. I do this with intensely hard conversations with my family. I do this with ways to make money in my business. I do this with negative emotions of guilt. Sometimes when someone wants me to do something and I don't want to do it, and I say, No, I do it in so many areas. So let me tell you how good this can be when you start allowing the negative emotion, in fact, intentionally bringing this emotion on which I'm going to do this week, when I go to tennis, you start making progress towards your goals. It affects the action you take because you're willing to do it. You start doing things you haven't been willing to do. You in the past. You get to know yourself at a deeper level. You begin to understand yourself at a deeper level. And it just really reconfirms what's important to you. It builds your confidence, because you're going to start going, God, I'm amazing that I did, that I was willing to feel this negative emotion, and then I got the job, I got the raise, I had a powerful conversation. You start building a bank of evidence that every time you allow yourself to feel negative emotion, good shit comes from it, and sometimes does bad stuff happen? Yeah, sure. But more often than not, I have found good shit happens when I look over my life and the things that I feel like I'm really good at making money, selling, coaching people getting stronger, feeling in control around food, having amazing relationships, all these things saying no, even though sometimes I want to say yes, because I want to be a people pleaser, when I look at all those things that I'm good at, it's all because I've been willing to feel negative emotion. So I understand the process. I understand it's almost like I I know the magic that a lot of other people don't know. I want you to feel that way from this podcast. I want you to feel like I've given you this secret to success, because I do believe it's a secret, because most people don't know it, you start to have your own back in these situations. And it really does, I think, more than anything, is it builds your confidence, and that's one of the things so many people want. They want confidence, but most people want confidence without the negative emotion. But the way you build confidence is by doing something, being willing to feel the negative emotion and being proud of yourself after, and then doing it again and again and again, and the negative emotion goes away until you decide to do something else, and you're like, here we go again. Let's go. You start to actually see that it's the prescription for getting what you want. Now, let me say a little something really quickly. Sometimes, for some people, if they've had a lot of trauma in their past, or maybe they've just even gone through some hard times in their past, maybe they wouldn't say it's trauma, but maybe they would say it's hard times, and in these times, they felt a lot of negative emotion for people like this sometimes, when they go to do something that feels big, maybe it's saying no to drinking more. Maybe it's saying no to dessert. Maybe it's putting themselves out there for a promotion, or asking someone out right something that is really going to get you to what you want, but induces a negative emotion, sometimes because they have some trauma, or because they've gone through a hard period of time where they felt negative emotion. When that negative emotion comes in, there is an automatic body response that says, Get me out of here. There's a book called The Body Keeps the Score, and it's not one I would necessarily run out and grab. There's many books that I tell you run out and grab. This book, it's so good. This isn't one I would necessarily run out and grab. But the gist of the book, in layman's terms, is, is your body remembers past trauma, your body remembers the negative feelings. And so then, all of a sudden, right? You've got a primitive brain that doesn't want you to feel any negative feelings if, all of a sudden you have a history of hard time or trauma or scarcity, something like that. And all of a sudden, it's time for you to speak in front of a group of 10, or it's time that you want money, and you have to go into your end of the year meeting with your boss and ask for more money, or you want to ask your spouse to start making dinner, and even though they've never been the been the person who's made dinner, and So all of a sudden, you're confronted with doing something different. Your Body Keeps the Score. Your body remembers that. Your body doesn't want to feel negative emotion. And so the trigger is no, no, no, no, no, let's get out of this. Oh no, no, no. This doesn't feel good. Oh no, no, no. We don't want to feel this way. Remember how horrible it was when you felt this way before. What I encourage you to do is, in that moment, if you're alone, right, maybe you get alone, go to the bathroom and put your hand on your chest, and you can say, this moment is different from that moment, this moment, I am using the negative emotion to create more joy and peace and excitement in my life. You have to teach your body that, yes, this is negative emotion, but we're not going back to that trauma experience we had when we were a kid. We're not going back. Back to that teacher that told us we were stupid. We're not going back to that time after our divorce where we felt so insecure and lost and scared, right? You need to tell your body we're safe to feel this emotion right now, if you're one of those, one of my clients, or if you're one of those many people that listens to the podcast and you hear me talk about discomfort and you've had a hard time doing it, this might be why, and so part of your growth, part of your gaining more confidence and self trust, is training your body and your mind to be safe. With doing discomfort differently now, with telling yourself this is a different situation, we are safe. We're safe to feel negative emotion in a different way, even though it might feel the same, even though it might bring up old nervous system responses. So what is something you truly desire for your life? Say it to yourself for a moment. Maybe pause this and just say, Okay, what am what have I been telling myself is not a big deal, but I know is a big deal. What have I been trying to put off that I really want to do? And if you were willing to feel any negative emotion for a time, it's not going to be forever for a time. And sometimes that means, like for 20 minutes. Sometimes that means for five minutes. If you're willing to feel any negative emotion on purpose, what would that negative emotion be? And what would you be doing differently if you were willing to feel it? Would it be tracking your food? You know who you are, I love you. Would it be pushing yourself harder in the gym even though you're scared you might hurt yourself? I've been there, and I've been experiencing that a lot lately. Would it be asking for what you want? Would it be going all in on yourself? Would it be having a conversation that maybe feels difficult, but maybe is the answer to you getting what you want. So again, I'm going to ask the same questions, if you were willing to feel any negative emotion for a time, what would that emotion be, and what would you be doing differently, and what is the first step do that thing that you'd be doing differently and allow the negative emotion and be willing to try to coach yourself around it, but probably in the end, sit with it and be okay with it and do the damn thing anyways, and be really proud of yourself after if this podcast was one that you really resonated with, it would mean so much for me if you would share it with a friend and say, Hey, you got to listen this podcast. Hey, remember that conversation we had at lunch a week ago? This podcast will help, and if you really love it, I would love for you to subscribe so you'll get notified every time I do a podcast. And I would also love for you to leave a review. Reviews are so I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful for everyone who leaves a review. It helps other women find the podcast, because the more reviews I get, the algorithm pushes my podcasts out to new people. So that would mean so much to me. I hope you have a great Tuesday for information on how we can work together. Head to modern body, modern life.com. To schedule a consultation with me. I'm currently coaching women privately, and I offer group coaching programs you.