The Power of Being in The Room

In this episode, I’m talking about the power of being in the room... and why information alone is rarely what creates lasting change. 

So many women spend years reading books, listening to podcasts, following experts, and gathering information... yet still find themselves stuck in the same patterns.

Because knowing what to do isn’t usually the problem.

The real work is learning how to understand yourself at a deeper level... your thoughts, your habits, your emotional patterns, and the reasons you keep getting in your own way.

I share why coaching can be so powerful, what actually happens on a coaching call, and why some of the biggest breakthroughs happen when you're simply listening to someone else be coached.

We also talk about the value of surrounding yourself with women who are committed to growth, taking themselves seriously, and creating more for their lives.

This episode is really about realizing that you don't have to do this work alone.

Because sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is put yourself in the room.

Join us in The Aligned Life Membership HERE

Interested in working with me?  I currently support women in private coaching and inside my Aligned Life Membership... helping them create lasting changes in their eating, daily habits, mindset, confidence, and overall life.  Click HERE for all the details

Transcript

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Paul, welcome to Modern Body, Modern Life, the podcast for women who want to feel powerful, healthy, strong, and confident inside and out at every age. On this podcast, we talk about becoming a woman who is fully in control of her eating and movement, so weight loss, strength, and energy become permanent. We also talk about something bigger, becoming the woman who takes her deepest desires seriously and goes after more in every area of her life. I'm Body and Life Coach Courtney Gray, and I believe you can get in the best shape of your life at any age, and when you do, it becomes a catalyst for

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your relationships, your confidence, your joy, because when you feel like you and your body, all of life gets better. Let's get started. Welcome to the podcast, episode 134 The power of being in the room. I can't wait to talk about this from a personal standpoint, from rooms I've created, from women I've coached in communities, and also from rooms I've been in, I've paid to be in. I love talking about the power of being in the room. And before I dive into the podcast, I just had to take a moment to read a review I received on this podcast just a few weeks ago. It just means so much to me when people take time to rate and review my podcast, it just means so much to me. I now have 60 reviews on this podcast, and it really does help the podcast algorithm push out my podcast to new people that are looking like searching, you know? When you, you're like, I want a podcast, and I want to talk about health, or I want to talk about midlife, or whatever, and you search this podcast has a better opportunity of being seen the more and more reviews I get, so it just means so much to me. So I'm going to read it, and this review is from Clear Eyed Woman, and this review just really, really hit me, so sweet. So I says I've listened to Modern Body, Modern Life with Courtney Gray, for a couple of years now, and it has genuinely changed the way I think about my life, my health, and what's actually possible for me in midlife and beyond. Courtney has a rare way of helping you manage your mind with honesty, humor, and zero perfectionism. She's funny, real, down to earth, and incredibly encouraging. This podcast has helped me recognize what I truly want and believe I'm capable of reaching for more in my body, my habits, my goals, and my overall life. That one, that's what makes me so happy, is because just, just the fact that this wonderful person is recognizing it's really all all affects your overall life. And then she ends by saying, if you are middle-aged, or honestly, any age, and looking for practical inspiration, mindset shifts, and a healthier, more intentional way to live. I highly recommend joining her podcast community. This is one of the few podcasts that truly stays with you. So, for you, lovely woman who wrote this, you mean so much to me for taking the time, and just such an elegant, well thought out review. It just means so much to me. So, if you haven't left a review, I would love for you to read to leave a review. It really just does. It makes my day, my friend. It makes my day. Okay, let's now dive into the podcast. I really am excited to talk about the power of being in the room. So, the reason I was inspired to bring this podcast to you today is tomorrow. If you're listening in real time, tomorrow on the 10th of June is my first live coaching call with my new Aligned Life membership. So, so excited for all the women who are already enrolled in this membership. This membership, there's no deadline to enroll into the membership right now, it's going to be open at the very least through the end of June, and then I might close it and reopen once a month, is kind of what I think I'm going to be doing, but I'll definitely let you know. But if you enroll by the 10th, even on the 10th, you will get the bonus mini journal, and it is going to guide you with the process I'm going to be teaching you on our first day. So that's so fun. So, if you are already enrolled, your mini journal is on its way to you, but I wanted to tell you, I had one of the women who enrolled, she, she enrolled, and then she messaged me, she sent me an email, and she just, she said, I need more of you in my life, and more women like, and she named out the women in the group she has currently in, coaching with me, so this is a woman who's coached with me before, currently coaching with me right now, and she, in her group, is coming to an end, and so she wants to continue working with me, but what I love, such a compliment, what I love is that she said I need more of you in my life, which is such a compliment, but she also said I need more women, like, and she listed out the other women in the group, and I was like, yes, that is what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the power of being in a space, a room, a group with other women that you can learn from, other women you can be inspired by. By other women that you can love on other women that you can have empathy for other women that maybe you can pray for other women that you can celebrate and it just really is an amazing place to be in and I have been creating groups of women like this for a few years now but this is going to be the biggest group I've ever created so I'm really it's going to it's going to be special in a different way, because there's going to be more women in this group, so it really inspired me. So, thank you to my client who sent me that email. I'm like, oh yes, this is what I wanted. I wanted women to say I want to be around other women who want what I want, because I know if you're like me, you have a lot of amazing women in your life that you love, that you want to be around, that you're nurturing your relationships with them, and you're supporting them, and I'm sure in some ways, many ways, they're supporting you, but maybe there are some things that are not, maybe you're not feeling totally seen in some ways, maybe you're not feeling totally understood, maybe you're feeling like you have all these amazing people, but there's just a level of support that you are wanting. Maybe there's a level of conversation and understanding that you are wanting, and so that's why I created the Aligned Life Membership. I've been getting a lot of questions about the membership, and especially the coaching calls, because for a lot of you, you maybe have never been in a group, and you maybe have. When I say you're going to get coached, you may be like,"Well, I don't even know what that means. And I understand this, because I remember before I ever joined my first membership experience, I didn't know what that would mean either. So I want to share with you on this podcast what it means to be coached again, and what it means to like, what is the power of being in the room? And I was thinking about how to answer this question, what it's like to be on coaching calls, and what it's like to be coach, and I realized, like, the value of these calls has very little to do with being on Zoom, it has very little to do with you actually being coached personally, it's the vibe of the whole coaching call, not even necessarily the coaching you will get. So, I want to break it all down. So, first, let me say that I think most women think they need more information. They really think that if they had more information, if they discovered this magical piece of information, or the certain way to work out, or the certain way to eat, or a certain supplement, or a certain something that it would be a game changer for them, but many women have spent years reading books, listening to podcasts, watching YouTube videos. If you're older, like me, maybe reading magazines, following different experts, right now these days, following experts on social media, and yet they still emotionally eat. They still don't really understand why they emotionally eat. They don't follow through. They're stopping and starting, stopping and starting, and really they continue to abandon what they truly want for themselves, and they really question what they want for themselves. So, if the information was the answer, if you finding information and learning, just getting more different information was the answer, wouldn't you be already where you wanted to be in the information age, wouldn't you be like, oh, once I finally learned this, that was everything. So we know that information alone really is not the end all be all. What I think is what's more important is taking information and really learning to apply it and understand yourself at a deeper level. I think it's less about a specific strategy that works for you, more about the consistent implementation and understanding why sometimes you aren't consistent, understanding why sometimes you're struggling to implement. I think that's even more than the information, and I see this in my coaching with so many different women, where there are some women that intermittent fast, some women that really watch their portions, some women that are vegan, all these women doing things in a different way, but yet they're understanding themselves at a deeper level, and they're becoming more consistent. So, let me talk for a moment, why change is so hard alone when you're trying to do this work on your own, you are alone with your thoughts, you're alone with your excuses, you're alone with your confusion. Is this an excuse? Is it my primitive brain? Is it my thoughts? You're alone with your own blind spots. You're alone with how, like, to understanding the impact that your upbringing has on the way you're living your life now, at whatever age you're at now, and you're often very alone with your emotional patterns, even if you feel like I understand myself, I always do this, I always do this, I always do this, even you saying I always do this is an. Emotional pattern, it is a thought pattern, it is potentially some limiting beliefs mixed in there. And what happens when you're doing this work alone is your brain normalizes all of this thinking and your behavior. It just becomes who you are. You start thinking, okay, I'm going to start on Monday, I'm too busy right now. This isn't the right time, and you actually believe those thoughts. This is what happens when nobody is really helping you understand yourself at a deeper level. This is the power of coaching. This is the power of being coached, whether you're coached directly or being in a program like the Aligned Membership, where you're going to see me coaching you, but you're also going to see me coaching other people, and you're going to be able to learn about you by watching them learn about themselves. So, what is coaching? You might still be like, what is coaching? What's the difference between coaching and therapy, and, and what is the difference with advice? So, is coaching advice. I mean, there's a little bit of advice that comes from experience that I give my clients, but really, what coaching is, is helping you understand yourself at a deeper level, helping you understand your thoughts, understand your excuses, seeing your blind spots, seeing your emotional behaviors, your emotional patterns, coach. coaching really is having someone help you see what you can't see for yourself, and it's having someone help you question things that right now you believe are just the truth. And so, for example, someone might come to me on one of these coaching calls in the Aligned Life membership, and they might say, I really want to work out. I keep telling myself I'm going to work out, but then I keep giving up in the moment. I keep hitting snooze, or I keep, you know, I'm getting home from work, and I'm tired, and so I keep just justifying that I'm going to start next week, or now is not a good time. All these different things, and so on. The out of surf surface level, some people might say, yeah, I mean, you need to be more motivated, or yeah, you need to create a plan and lay out your clothes, and you need to just really put yourself first, and that's what we hear on social media, that's what we hear, like, yeah, I mean, this is what you need to do this for yourself, but here is what I want to know, Why do you really want to start working out, why do you want this? How important is it really to you? What is the best time for you to actually follow through? Is it in the morning, is it later in the day? And why is that the best time? Is that the best time for you, or is that the best time for other people? What, how have you set up your day in terms of supporting this decision, and what is your primitive brain saying to you in the moment, exactly? Is it I'm too tired? Is it I don't really want this? What is really going on? Have you started working out in the past and then stopped, or have you never started before? And what is your thoughts about other people who are, you know, and in the shape you want to be in, like, what are your thoughts about them, and what are your thoughts about you? Are there any differences about your thoughts about them, people who work out a lot, and what are your thoughts about you? Do we have perfectionism going on, or is there any self-judgment going on? Is there any all or nothing thinking going on? Are you putting others first before yourself? Do you have unrealistic expectations? Do you hear there? How there is so much to this, besides, oh, sounds like you need to motivate yourself. Sounds like you just need to make a more of a, you know, empowered decision. Sounds like you need to lay your clothes out, you know, by your bed. Oh, sounds like maybe you need to, like, you know, wake up 20 minutes earlier. This is so much heavier and more nuanced than just a simple, oh, lack of motivation problem. So, when I coach my clients, we dig deep and we figure out what is really going on. Why do you want something? What's getting in the way? What does it mean for you to become the woman that actually is consistent with something that you truly desire? This is the power of being coached, and this is also the power of seeing someone else be coached, because in that moment you can think, oh my gosh, I oftentimes do the same thing, and when you're listening to someone else being coached, and I say to that person, Why do you really want this? It gives you an opportunity to take a little note. Yeah, why do I want what I want? Why do I want it? What do I actually think is getting in the way? And so oftentimes in coaching, especially when someone is new to coaching, and I say, why do you think that is so often they'll say, I don't know, but in coaching with me, in my groups, in my private coaching, I say, if you really did know, what do you think your guests would be, or if I paid you a million dollars to know, what do you think your guess would be, or maybe I'll ask it in a different way, you'll start to really realize that you. So much more than consciously you're allowing yourself to know that sounded a little woo woo, but what I mean is, like, I think that we, the answers are inside of us, but we are so used to saying I don't really know, but in coaching we really get down to the nitty gritty of why do you want this and what is your best guess as to what is truly going on, that's the power of being coached, that's the power of seeing someone else be coached. You come out of that situation with so much more clarity, you come out of that situation knowing what you're going to do next time, that's going to help you have a better chance of success, not 100% success, not 100% perfection, just doing better. And so the magic that nobody really expects is realizing that the biggest breakthroughs often happen when you aren't the one being coached. On one of our group coaching calls, a woman in the membership might raise her hand and start talking about how she wants to drink less, about how she wants her marriage to be, you know, she wants to be less resentful in her marriage, she wants to talk about her weight, maybe she's inconsistent, maybe she has so much self-doubt, maybe she's really struggling with aging, and suddenly you're sitting there listening to her being vulnerable, you're listening to me coach her, and you realize that what is being said on that coaching call is exactly what you are needing to hear, it's exactly what you've been thinking, even if maybe she's talking about drinking and you're talking about eating, but all of a sudden you realize, oh my gosh, I feel less alone. I'm starting to see my own patterns as I'm seeing her uncover her own patterns. It's how we learn from other people. Women spend years really believing that they're the only one. Now, you might not say that to people, but so often people have come on consultations with me, or they've hired me for private coaching, or joined one of my groups, and they have said I truly did think I was the only one that thought that way. I truly did think that I was a little bit crazy, or a little bit of a weirdo, or that there was something a little bit wrong with me that I was thinking that or feeling this way, and then you're in a room with 20 women that are all admitting that they struggle with food, sometimes they struggle with confidence, sometimes they struggle with consistency, sometimes they struggle with people pleasing, sometimes we all do it, sometimes they struggle with self care, sometimes. I'm going to tell you a quick little story, I'm taking a little tangent, and and one of the things you know, if you've worked with me, and one of the things you probably even know if you listen to this podcast for a while now, is that I love being vulnerable. I believe that my vulnerability helps you feel seen and helps you be vulnerable with what you want, what your true desires are, and and understanding yourself at a deeper level, and so I went to a woman to talk for a moment about people pleasing. I'm pretty good at not people pleasing, and it doesn't get me, doesn't surprise me, doesn't get me very often. But I went to our favorite Mexican food restaurant here in town the other day, and we took one of our good friends that was visiting, so it was all my boys and our good friends, my husband and I, and this restaurant we've been going to since my kids were little, and the woman who takes our order, so nice, so nice, and she took everyone's order, and I was the last to order, and she started just collecting all the menus as if she had forgotten me. It was weird, because she was standing right next to me, but she just like didn't ask what my order is, she just started taking, you know, everyone's menu, as if she was going to walk away, and I kind of looked at my husband, like, what's happening, and so I said,"Oh, you forgot about me, and I kind of laughed, because I was like, "What's happening here? And she goes, "I know what you want, you always order the same thing, and so I just laughed. I was like, "She's very, you know, she's smart, I do always order the same thing. And so she goes, and and then they bring our food out, and they got my order wrong, and so I usually get like two chicken tacos and a side of black beans. My stomach, I don't, rice does not white rice, I'm good with, but but Mexican rice does not love me. Everything was right about the order, except for that it wasn't to like just flour tortillas. I love me a flour tortilla. They were fried, so they were like the crispy. They fried up the tortillas, and it's not only do I not need that, those extra calories from the oil, like I don't need it, I don't want it. It doesn't taste so much more delicious to me. It's not really worth it. Besides the fact that I've already had some tortilla chips, in addition to that, it hurts my stomach. And she put it in front of me, and my husband just looked at me, because he knows that I would never order that, and she puts it in front of me, and I, I had this moment where I was like, like I just, I didn't want to say something, I didn't want to have to advocate for myself, I didn't even, it was like I was talking. Tired, it was out after it was a long day of coaching, and I just was tired, and that's one thing, is like, you know, how it is when we're tired, it's hard to live in alignment. It's one of the biggest triggers for a lot of women when they feel tired, just to stick with their own plan, to stick with their own standards. And so I sat there, and she goes, did everything come out well? And I just looked at her, and I said, "Yes, everything's great. And I ate the food, and I paid for it, because my stomach was hurting up until the next morning. So, the next morning, I journaled about it, and first of all, it wasn't the end of the world. Everyone survived. I wasn't mad at myself. I was curious, and so the next morning I was like, oh, my stomach hurt. I go, oh yeah, Courtney, it hurts because you ate fried, you know, fried tacos last night, like, of course it does. And so I just thought, oh, this is what I'm going to journal on. When she brought you those tacos, this is the kind of journaling like that I did the next morning. I wrote down, I said, when she brought me those tacos, I knew instantly that it was not what I wanted, and my husband even right away looked at me, and I could tell in his eyes he knew this wasn't what I wanted, and normally I would just say,"Hey, you know what? I never get them Friday, I, you know, can you get me? Can you redo these? Take the stuff on the inside and just throw them on a regular tortilla? I wouldn't have had them make, remake the whole thing, it could have been sloppy, it would have been fine. And I said, I asked myself a very curious, non-judgmental question. I said, Why did you decide not to say something, Courtney, from no judgment? And I'm like, Okay, there was lots going on, but what was it? And I thought I didn't want to hurt the waitress's feelings, that's what this was. I didn't want to hurt her feelings, and I said, why would I have hurt her feelings, and I kept writing. I said she thought, and she even proclaimed that she knows me so well that she doesn't even have to write down my order. So, by me saying, 'Hey, you got this wrong, I was worried that she would feel bad. I was worried that she would say, 'Oh my god, to herself, 'Oh my god, I thought I knew this girl's order. I didn't write it down, and I messed up. I would have said it in a very nice way. I would have said it's totally no problem. Would you mind just swapping out the tortillas, keep all the stuff on the inside? We don't need to waste food here. But in the end, I was more worried about her feelings. I was also, when I kept going and going and going, I realized I was worried that she would maybe think less of me that I was putting up a quote unquote stink, almost a little bit of like, shame on me for being so high maintenance. Why don't you just eat the damn tortilla? Now, this woman is.. I don't know her at all. I know that she's been our waitress for many years, and she's lovely, but let's be honest, I have no idea what she would have thought. I have no idea if it would have hurt her feelings. I have no idea if she would have felt shame. I have no idea if she would have judged me. I would have had no idea if she would have been annoyed. None of that is my business. The only thing that I can control is myself. The only thing that I can control is whether or not I say, oh, you know, I don't even know her name, but oh, oh, hey, you know what? I never really get these fried. Fried really hurts my stomach. Can I just get the whatever, the flour tortillas, no frying. The only thing I could do is be lovely and show up in support of my own goals, in support of my own health, and let her have whatever thoughts she is going to have about what I said in that moment. Now I wrote down, was I worried about what my kids and my husband and my friend thought, and I said, not really, that wasn't it. It was all about this woman, it was all about my worry that I was going to in some way be the cause of some shame. And here's the reality, is if I would have gone back in time and actually not people pleased her, and actually said, 'Hey, can you, you know, and said what I wanted to say. She might have felt shame. That would have been her experience if she would have chosen to have thoughts like,'Oh my god, I can't believe I got this wrong. Now, if she would have apologized and said,'Oh my god, I'm so sorry, I would have said, 'Oh, this is no problem at all. I could have, and would have done everything in my power to make her realize that this was no big deal, but in that moment, because I was tired, in that moment, because I was hungry, and in that moment, because I was more worried about her response to my potential words, I ended up people pleasing, and when we're people pleasing, we have to remember what we're really always doing is we're trying to control someone else, we're trying to control their feelings, so we can control our own feelings, because if she would have all of a sudden flushed and felt embarrassed and said, "Oh my god, I'm so sorry, then I potentially would. Been like, oh my god, I'm hurting her feelings. And then it would have spun out of control in that moment. It was so much easier for me to just say I'm going to give up on my own desires, and I am just going to eat the thing by doing this journaling work. Even though I was pretty onto myself, even that night, even when I was halfway through these tacos, I kind of knew what was going on, but the next day, by really getting vulnerable with myself, and by really admitting, oh, I totally people pleased, and do I like my reasons? If I could go back in time, how could I have done this different? By really diving into all of that, it makes me so much more prepared next time I go to any restaurant, and I order, and if it comes out not correct, to very lovingly say hey, and just support myself, and say something, and again let them have whatever feelings they want to have. So, the reason I tell you this story is I feel like I have a very well-managed mind. I feel like I do my best, and most of the time I do a pretty good job of supporting myself, but I am still up leveling, just like you are trying to up level your life. I am still in that process. I am still going to my own next version of myself, and it's so fun, and it's so empowering, and you can hear I'm not doing it perfect, you're never, never, never, even if you work with me between now until the day I die. If you decide to pay me forever and work with me, or listen to this podcast until I stop doing this podcast, I think I'll be doing it for a very long time. But let's say you keep doing this work with me for years and years and years, you are never going to get to a point where people pleasing just stops, and you never do it again. None of this has to be perfect. I'm not perfect, I never will be. You're not perfect, you never will be. And you can reach all of your health goals without being perfect. How amazing is that? I know in society we've been taught we really have to be perfect. Being perfect and striving to be perfect is actually part of the problem for many people in this membership. You're going to hear me always using myself as the first example of here's what I did wrong, here's my evaluation, here's what I'm going to do better, here's what I did right. Let me teach you all these things I'm doing right. Let me, let me be an example of what's possible for you, but let me also be an example of what not to do, and how to actually treat yourself really nice, even when you mess up. So, let's take a moment and get into, like, the logistics of what is going to happen on each of the weekly coaching calls in this membership. Every week, I am going to teach, I am going to teach new concepts, I'm going to teach new ways of thinking, I'm going to teach you how to feel and process your emotion, because we were never taught how to. I'm going to teach things I've learned by all the different books I'm reading and podcasts I'm listening to. I'm going to teach from my own life experience and from what I've seen, coaching hundreds and hundreds of women, so I'm going to teach every week, and then I'm going to coach. I'm going to coach the women that say, "Hey, last week was awesome, I tried this, it went well here, and it didn't go here. We're gonna dive in, and you're going to be able to get coached. You're also going to be able to be a silent observer and just learn from the coaching from other people who are ready to be coached, maybe you know, maybe you don't want to speak, and that's okay too. We are going to celebrate wins on these coaching calls. My favorite thing when I do group coaching programs is when one woman comes on and says, I just, my focus is losing weight, and I just hit a number I have not seen since high school, and not only do people start like cheering them on if their cameras on, but maybe then in the comments they start, you know, doing the applause hand, they start doing the hearts hand. It is a really cool space to be able to be celebrating other people and celebrating yourself. Each month we are going to have a different focus. You've heard me say, for the month of June, the focus is creating consistency, and each month, every single month, I'm going to be creating a new focus for the month, and so this focus is going to be in addition to the courses that you have access to. Every month is going to be a focus that enhances the way you use everything, it enhances your awareness, it enhances you going to your own next level. We usually are going to end the coaching calls with, like, an intention for the week, or you recognizing what the biggest takeaway is for you, maybe some journal prompts, and it is going to be a place, whether you show up live for the calls or you listen, where you feel like it is going to be the podcast on steroids. I've had a few women say, "I love the podcast. How are the calls going to be different than the podcast? Well, on the podcast, you don't hear me coach people. On the podcast, you don't hear me go deep in with the experiences of my own life, the experience of the journal prompts I'm using every day. The things that are happening to me week by week, where I'm coaching myself. You don't hear me talk about my situations with my kids, with my husband, with people pleasing. With it, I dive deep with the women who work with me. They get, they get a front row seat to how I'm doing this work and implementing this work in every area of my life. The goal is to not get access to a Zoom call with me. The goal really is for you to become the woman who can trust herself to actually do this work and change your life. The women in this group who've already joined, they really know that their daily things that they're doing, the what time they wake up, how they spend their first hour, the choices they make of what they're eating and drinking, the choices of who they're spending time with, the choices of what they're verbalizing to their friends, the choices of what they're thinking, all of these things affect their whole life, they're creating their life by all their daily habits, and they want to be in alignment. If you have been listening for a long time to this podcast, maybe it is time for you to join me in a program where you will actually take all of this and be able to apply it to your life and go much, much deeper. We have our first official Zoom call in the membership tomorrow on june 10. If you join us by june 10, you will get mailed a mini journal that I've created for a process I'm going to teach you tomorrow. So, I hope you will join the Aligned Life membership. You can head to Modern Body, Modern life.com forward slash membership. It is $97 a month. You can cancel any time. It is going to be amazing. I think it's gonna blow your mind, and you're gonna, you're gonna show up, and you're gonna love it, and you're gonna want to stay. So, I hope you have a lovely Tuesday, and I'll see you inside the Aligned Life membership. For information on how we can work together, head to Modern Body Modern life.com to schedule a consultation with me, I'm currently coaching women privately, and I offer group coaching programs, I.