From Shame to Strength: Embracing Self-Compassion and Resilience

Ever felt like an imposter despite achieving great heights? You're not alone. In our latest episode, we unpack the powerful grip of shame and its insidious effects on our mental health and self-worth. Through the compelling story of Sarah, a high-powered lawyer crippled by feelings of inadequacy, we explore how even the most successful individuals can feel unworthy. Drawing from Brené Brown’s insights on shame and my own journey to becoming a hypnotherapist, we dive into the unconscious benefits of self-compassion and how to turn shame into a source of empowerment and healing. We encourage listeners to face their fears, seek support, and reclaim their strength for a more resilient life.

Shift your perspective on failure and discover the healing power of self-compassion in the second part of our episode. Listen to how Stephen's failed investment became a pivotal learning opportunity and how Emma overcame the shame of her divorce through forgiveness. We discuss practical tools like journaling, gratitude diaries, and self-compassion breaks, emphasizing that our past mistakes don't define us. Personal growth flourishes through self-reflection and human connection, as illustrated by John’s artistic evolution and Lucy’s journey out of isolation. Tune in to find out how vulnerability and reflection can nurture resilience and foster emotional intelligence.

The contents of this podcast are for informational purposes only and should not be considered medical advice. If you have a specific health concern or condition, please consult a qualified Healthcare professional for more details. Check out herguru dot uk forward slash disclaimers

Transcript

Overcoming Shame and Building Resilience

Cheryl 0:21

Have you ever had one of those days where your shame feels like a clinging X, refusing to leave you alone, no matter how often you tell it to buzz off? Or have you ever felt like you're stuck in an emotional traffic jam? The shame is honking its horn behind you, making it impossible for you to move forward? Have you ever felt like that? Hello everyone and welcome to ABGW. Amazing, brilliant, gorgeous, wonderful. I'm Cheryl, your guide on this transformational journey, and in today's episode, we're rising from the ashes and we're overcoming the stranglehold of shame. Yes, it's not just another conversation. It's a stepping stone towards a life you love more often than not, filled with empowerment and healing. So if you are ready to embrace change and take meaningful steps towards your trauma recovery and resilience, then stay tuned. So let's dive in and discover how we can turn our struggles into strengths. Amazing, brilliant, gorgeous, wonderful. Helping women just like you who are unhappy, perhaps even with your supposed quote, unquote good life. This is a mum and daughter duo and we're not pulling any punches as we explore trauma recovery and ideas for building resilience, so that you're working smarter and definitely not harder to create a transformational life, a life you love more often than not, so that you're working smarter and definitely not harder to create a transformational life, a life you love more often than not. I'm so glad you're here with me today.

Cheryl 2:20

If you've ever felt the heavy weight of shame sitting on your shoulders like an overstuffed parrot squawking doubts into your ear, you are not alone. Shame can be a stubborn, silent companion whispering that we're not good enough. But today we're going to be diving deep into transforming those pesky shadows of doubt and fear into sources of strength. Think of it of, you know, turning lemons into the world's most empowering lemonade. So grab your favorite cozy drink, settle in and let's embark on this journey together.

Cheryl 3:05

Unmasking shame. So let's start by unmasking shame. I want you to imagine this, sarah. She's a high-powered lawyer. She's she's standing there and she feels a knot in her stomach every time she steps into a room full of her peers. And it's not because of what she does or what she thinks she's going to do, but it's because she believes that she's just not good enough. You know, in this moment, not smart enough. You know, in this moment, not smart enough. It's almost as if shame is whispering in her ear, telling her that she's an imposter. She has everything about her correct, but shame is telling her that she's an imposter. Why? Just because, despite all her many, many achievements, you probably know already, don't you, that facing your fears is the first step towards healing from any kind of trauma.

Cheryl 4:22

I mean for me, and I think about this on a real personal level. You know, when you start embracing your vulnerability, you know it opens up new insights and discoveries for you, and you know it can help lead to a greater emotional resilience that you thought you could never have. And I remember so much when I was learning to become a hypnotherapist, because you know it's like when you start the course. You know you come and you're ready and you have what I call your conscious mind reasons for doing the course. You know you want to achieve something. You know the course objectives you want to achieve, but then you have what I call your unconscious reasons. You know the, the reasons that sit in the back of your mind as to why you want to. You know, move forward in your life and for me, one of the most profound things I learned, because you know you want to do well, don't you?

Cheryl 5:23

And anything you do in life. I mean one of the things I always say to my friends, how you do anything is how you do everything. Some people are very different at work to when they're not, and I say no, no, no, you are the same person. How you do everything is how you do anything. And to me, self-compassion for me, that's what I learned, that was my unconscious benefit of doing that course, because I learned that self-compassion is such a beautiful touchstone of trauma recovery. And just thinking about all the experience I've had, my experience showed me that seeking support can drastically improve your journey to empowerment. And when I say empowerment, I don't mean empowerment, that big word, I mean empowerment in everything that you do, in everything that you want to achieve in your life, and whether that's through intentional behaviours, the kind of things that I do with my clients, or through mindful practices, whatever you like to call it, to me that self-compassion can significantly reduce your stress and your anxiety, and there's been research done about it. And there's been research done about it. I remember reading about some research that was done at the University of Texas that revealed that shame can significantly impact on your mental health. And if it's impacting your mental health, then on a day to day basis. That means it's going to be leading to anxiety and depression. And you know, researchers have looked at other things and delved more deeply into the subject.

Cheryl 7:11

And Ray Brown, you know, I remember she's got a saying. I think it goes that shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change. And to me that's such a profound thing. In fact, I'm going to say it again shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change. And now you think about all the things that you may want to change in your life. What is stopping you as you think about it now, what's the one thing that's stopping you moving forward? And if it's shame, I'm inviting you, my friend, let's do something about it. I remember, you know me, I'm a bit of a film buff and I remember there's a moment in Good Will Hunting where Robbie Williams tells Matt Damon repeatedly, where Robbie Williams tells Matt Damon repeatedly it's not your fault, it's a powerful moment, it's not your fault, it's a powerful moment. And to me, him saying those words it's not your fault breaks that cycle of shame. So let's think of three fun ways that we can think about, you know, integrating this kind of thing into our daily you know daily lives.

Cheryl 8:33

Now, journaling. To me, writing down your thoughts help you challenge the truth. And what I mean by writing down your thoughts. I'm big in into journaling because to me, journaling and maybe you've heard me say this before it doesn't matter how you feel, whether you're being a big baby, whether you're contradicting yourself, whether you're being spiteful or mean, while you're being overly generous, it doesn't matter. You put your ego down on the page and that creates space in your mind for something that's more powerful. So that's why I'm a big fan of journalism, because I just, even from my own practice, I know that even if I've had a bad day, if I bang it down in my journal, it's gone because I pull it there. So it means I've I've had a bad day. If I bang it down in my journal, it's gone because I pull it there, so it means I've created space and the universe, you know, doesn't like a vacuum, so it will fill the space with more empowering stuff.

Cheryl 9:39

Affirmations Every morning, allowing yourself to remind yourself that you are more than your mistakes. I am more than my mistakes. Doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. This is your own powerful statements I am more than my mistakes. And then having a good old, you know movie night. You know Fridays for me, I call Fridays junk food Friday. I sit down with my partner and my family as many Fridays as we can in the year we we aim for 52 and we watch a good film. You just like Good Will Hunting so that you can reflect on its theme of shame and self-acceptance. So that's a good one. If you've never watched Good Will Hunting, I recommend it. So let's explore how we can start shedding this heavy cloak of shame and, you know, put on more empowering stuff. Let's go. You are more than your mistakes.

Cheryl 10:57

I'm taking a deep breath here because I know that I myself have had issues with this in the past, especially when I've been criticised. In the past I remember I've taken it. Some of the criticisms that I've had I've taken very, very personally and I think I mean. I mean I don't know, but I'm sure a lot of it has stemmed from when I was a child. I used to get criticized a lot by both my parents in very for various different things. I don't think I ever in fact I can't actually ever remember a time my parents making me feel valued and loved when I was growing up. Now, don't get me wrong. I now know they loved me. I know that. But I, when I think back to you, know when I was five, six, seven, you know, into my teenage years nah, nothing I can't think of anything they ever did that made me feel loved. So I think that's where a lot, I think a lot of the self-loathing that I had for a long time came from.

Embracing Self-Compassion and Forgiveness

Cheryl 12:13

And I want you to remember that you are more than your mistakes. You know that. You know that on an intellectual level, but I want you to take a moment now to just see what that feels like when you try that on and just any feelings that you may get on the inside. Just say thank you to those feelings, because it's important that we acknowledge how we feel about things. And the thing is, you know, the more you say something to yourself, the more likely you are to get the things that you want. Yeah, so let's start saying positive stuff to ourselves, stuff that's going to empower us. Start saying positive stuff to us ourselves, stuff that's going to empower us.

Cheryl 12:59

Now I know a friend a friend Stephen who once made a really risky investment and the thing is it didn't pan out, and I know after speaking to him because it took him a long time to open up to me, because he's one of these guys who you know. You see him out on the street. They they're so full of confidence, they know what they're doing, their heads held high and you would never believe that you know they're having issues. But I know that he felt like a failure because he told me but his, I think when he began to view that particular, you know risky venture, not panning out, when he began to look at it as a learning experience rather than something that said something about him. Because, to me, you can feel peace within chaos, can't you? You can choose how your story unfolds, can you not? And you can empower yourself through mindful actions, can you not?

Cheryl 14:09

So let's start thinking about how we can empower ourselves, because in everything that I've read so far and you know I do do reading, do do reading the research indicates that self-compassion is the key to emotional resilience and emotional recovery. And what does that saying go? I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better. And it's interesting because that's one of my favorite things.

Cheryl 14:46

You know that I have up on my wall if you've ever seen my podcast in studio on, on the back I've got a picture of a sunflower, which, because I adore sunflowers and that's to do with Van Gogh, thank you very much. And I have loads and loads of post-it notes which are my daily affirmations that I go through every day. But I also have what I call one of these magnetic whiteboards and on it is written, as I reason it now do good and be good. And that's what I try to do now. I don't try and judge myself too much about what's happened each day and every day. What I do is I do good to be good and that's it, and that's all you can ask of yourself. I remember in you know, because you know me, I'm a big, big, big movie fan. And in Spider-Man, in the Spideyverse, miles learns that his mistakes don't define him. His choices and actions that he does, that's what defines him.

Cheryl 16:00

So let's think about some other ways that you can integrate this into your life. You know that I love journaling, but one of the also things I do apart from journaling, I have a five-year diary and it's like I think it's called the one, one line a day diary and it's like it's this small sort of bible-sized book and it's for five years, and every day I jot down something about myself that I'm grateful for before I go to bed. And sometimes it can be as simple as I am so grateful that I was able to go for a walk today, because sometimes I'm so busy that I just don't have the chance to go out as much as I like. So just a gratitude diary to me really helps, because I think gratitude helps reset us If we're feeling bad about something or thinking ill of ourselves. Putting down something that we're grateful for helps reset the dial. And also another thing that I encourage my clients to do, and I do myself when I'm feeling down, to do, and I do myself when I'm feeling down. So I invite you to do the same when you're feeling down.

Cheryl 17:19

Take a moment to say some kind words to yourself. We live in a world where we're constantly criticized by other people. You think about it in a few weeks time, there's going to be the world cup. There's not sorry, not the world cup, the European football championships. There's going to be the world cup. There's not sorry, not the world cup, the european football championships. There's going to be wimbledon. There's going to be the olympics, right, and all those athletes are going to be under so much scrutiny from us as spectators and the world's media. And it seems to me we live in a world where we're very quick to judge people and criticize them. So, in order to counter that, do some gratitude, yeah, do some gratitude lines and take self-compassion breaks. Just like if you smoke, you go out and have a ciggy break. Do some self-compassion breaks too.

Cheryl 18:14

Now let's think about this what about forgiveness, especially forgiving ourselves. Forgive, don't forget. To me, it's really important to forgive yourself. You know, forgiving yourself can be like, I don't know, a mountain to climb, but it's a journey I think that's worth taking. Picture Emma, who's been carrying around shame for years after her divorce. It's like, you know, everyone blamed her for divorcing Mike. It's like you know, how could you? You know, so she's been carrying this shame around, believing that she's ruined her family. But when she believes the thing is, when she begins to start forgiving herself and acknowledging that she did the best she could in her marriage, a healing truly began. You know, because a person is able to overcome their past and rewrite their future. You know, and that's what Emma started to do, you know. And it's interesting because to me, self-forgiveness is almost like linked hand in hand, to lower levels of depression and anxiety.

Cheryl 19:50

And I remember Oprah Winfrey once saying true forgiveness is when you can say thank you for that experience. You think about it. You know I have made some doozies in life. Oh man, I have done some big doodoos. You know stuff that not even some of my best friends know. I mean I'm really I'm laughing because I'm really quite an open person and some of my best friends know I mean I'm, I'm really I'm laughing because I'm really quite an open person and most of my friends know most of my do-do's that I've done right, they, they know, they know them. So I'm quite, I'm quite lucky in the fact that I've been able to release a lot of those, those feelings.

Nurturing Growth Through Reflection

Cheryl 20:33

But you have to forgive yourself, you know, you have to allow yourself to embark on that journey of discovery, and part of that is learning to forgive and embrace your past. I remember in the film Eat, pray, love, that's exactly what Julia Roberts character does when she goes to India. She almost allows herself to just immerse herself in the experiences that she's she's having and in that process she's then able to start that process of self-love, self-compass, compassion and forgiveness. So now let's explore how to learn from our experiences and move on. You know, moving forward.

Cheryl 21:22

This episode of abdw is brought to you by her guru. Hypnotherapy and coaching. Her guru provides mental fitness, coaching and hypnotherapy services. You can find out more details by visiting hergurucouk. Learn and adapt reflecting on our own experiences, I believe, really helps us to learn and adapt.

Cheryl 21:55

I think one of the reasons I don't know, you know, I'm just thinking about, you know, when I, when I think about all the things, well, I used to go to when I was at school and I was one of these annoying. When I was younger, I was one of these annoying kids who didn't have to actually try very hard. I was very good at maths, I was very good at science, um, and I I kind of was a bit cocky about it. You know where most of the people in my class I remember people like Nicola and Denise they went home and they worked hard. They did the hours. I didn't. And I think it was interesting because then, when I went to college and I went to university, because I hadn't put in the work, I struggled. I really, really struggled. And I think one of the reasons why I struggled is because, yeah, ego was, you know, helping me out there, but it was also the fact that I wasn't willing to reflect on what I was actually doing. I was just kind of just doing it and I think when we, when we reflect on our experiences, we learn from them, and it's almost like our brain grows, you know, the connections between our neurons grow and it helps us to then adapt. You think about all the things that you've learned at work. Do you remember your first day or that first week? You had no idea what anything did, or where anything was, or how to even turn on the computer. But now you do stuff and you don't even think about it because your, your mind is a meaning and learning machine and it learns and it adapts.

Cheryl 23:44

I went to picture John, my friend John. He's an artist and he's feeling, you know, some shame. He's had some of his work exhibited publicly and he's had a lot of criticism for it. And you know he's taken it to heart, you know, because he's worked hard on these oil paintings. But I remember talking to him this was a few years after everything had happened and I remember him reflecting on what you know, the public criticism that he had had, and I remember him saying that he realized it was an opportunity to grow and that it kind of spurred him on, you know, to explore new artistic, you know, stuff that he hadn't even thought of before. And I remember thinking, john, you know, sooner or later you'll see that your vulnerability, your vulnerability in that moment, was actually your greatest strength, actually your greatest strength, because self-reflection not only allows you to learn and adapt, it's a crucial tenant, I think, for emotional intelligence and improving your coping strategies.

Cheryl 25:07

What's the famous saying? I am not what happens to me, I am what I chose to become. Is that Carl Jung? I can't remember, but what I've learned from my own experiences and the experiences that I've observed in the world not only with you know, people that I've worked with, but friends and other experiences I've had is that when you look at your emotions, including the painful ones, I think it's the painful ones that teach you the most valuable lessons, those lessons that allow you to deeply go inside yourself, waking up the parts of you that allow you to move forward, yeah, and take on new challenges, not just in the physical world, but emotionally as well.

Cheryl 26:10

Connect and communicate One of the most important things that I've learnt from my own experiences in life, and I say that as someone who has damaged themselves. You know who's caused themselves harm. You know self-harm themselves is just keeping a diary, you know, of moments when I felt ashamed. You know of moments when I felt ashamed and just you know, literally just blurting it all out on the page and just allowing those feelings to sit there on the page and then coming back at you know some time afterwards, just reflecting on them, has been really profound to me and it's helped me to connect with myself in a really profound way. And I know that may sound strange, but I think, if you think about the human mind as having a conscious mind, so the conscious mind is what step-by-step processes, whereas your unconscious is where you learn, because you're learning the intuitive leaps. It's the stuff that allows you to know when you're in a situation whether it feels right, and I think all that stuff, all the stuff that I was noting down and being able to reflect on it, was really helping my conscious mind and my unconscious really become trusted friends again, and I think that's really important. I think that's part of the disconnect that people have is that their conscious mind and their unconscious are working against each other. So that's why I think connection is that self-connection is a key to battling shame.

Cheryl 28:45

I want you to think about Lucy, who's isolated herself due to her shame, about anxiety. How do you think Lucy's feeling? You know we, you know, whether we like it or not, us human beings are social creatures, are we not? And I don't mean that we have to like hanging around people, but you know we, we live in an interdependent world where we need other people in order to get the things that we need. You know if, if, if the local green grocers didn't have I don't know um mint sauce on Christmas Eve? You know the mint sauce on Christmas Eve. You know the mint sauce that you forgot to get with your Christmas shopping. They didn't have it. If they weren't open on Christmas Eve night, or even Christmas morning, how would you have mint sauce on your Christmas dinner? Do you see what I mean? That shopkeeper had to be open, and that's why it's's to me it's so important that we acknowledge that we need connection with other people.

Cheryl 29:57

So I think, for Lucy, one of the things that helped her come, you know, out of herself was she got her a dog, which meant that she had to take her dog to her little puppy oh you're so cute To puppy training classes. And while there she got to talking to people and that person then introduced her to some other social groups and Lucy started going out and hanging out with people and the thing is she soon realized that she wasn't actually alone, so that were loads of people who felt like she did, and I remember Lucy saying to me that this was kind of the key, you know, in her journey towards her accepting more of herself. You know, because when I think about even people that I know really well, like Jimmy, you know Jimmy's had issues with alcoholism in his past, in fact. Fact, jimmy would still say that he's an alcoholic. Because it's important, I think, when you've had an addiction to to, to know that you need to be dealing with it every single day, not the addiction, but that you know any day you can slip back into into that addiction. And to me, the opposite of any addiction is not sobriety, it's connection. It's about getting out there, yeah, and getting other people to support you on the days that you're not feeling up to it, getting that support circle around you, having somewhere where you can share and be listened to without judgment.

Cheryl 32:04

Thank you for joining us on this journey today. If there's one thing I hope that you can take away from this episode is that shame does not define you, and you know that intrinsically, don't you. You can transform your feelings of inadequacy into sources of strength and resilience and empowerment, and kind of embracing your vulnerability, practicing that cool self-compassion and remembering that you are much, much more than your mistakes. Now, if this episode resonated with you, please share it with your friends and stay tuned for more empowering content from ABGW. Amazing, brilliant, gorgeous, wonderful. And I want you to remember that your resilience is a powerful force shaping your life, and may your force go with you, strengthening you every step of the way as we part ways today. So until the next time, keep finding and embracing those outrageous, unconscious joy moments. Bye for now.