The Resilience Trumpet And The Office Sandwich

Nice people can still be unsafe people. That sounds harsh until you’ve lived the quiet version of workplace stress: the meetings where everyone speaks calmly, the smiles that don’t match the outcomes, the slow shift in access and warmth that leaves you tense, over-responsible, and second-guessing your own judgement. I’m Cheryl Parris, and I’m naming the uncomfortable truth that costs so many of us time, confidence, and career energy: nice is not the same as safe. 

We go deeper into discernment and psychological safety at work, especially for high-functioning women who’ve been trained to “be reasonable” no matter what it does to their body. I break down what safety actually looks like in day-to-day behaviour: consistent fairness, clear expectations, real support, respect for your role, and a pattern that steadies your nervous system instead of shrinking it. We also talk about why resilience becomes dangerous when it turns into self-abandonment. 

You’ll get practical tools you can use immediately: keeping grounded notes (date, time, what changed, impact, response), spotting patterns across relationships, support, roles, and change, and a simple micro-step I call the three-column people map: warmth, pressure, evidence. The goal is not to label anyone a villain, but to decide who gets access to your honesty, your trust, and your career decisions based on reality, not performance. 

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The contents of this podcast are for informational purposes only and should not be considered medical advice. If you have a specific health concern or condition, please consult a qualified Healthcare professional for more details. Check out herguru dot uk forward slash disclaimers

Transcript

Speaker 0: 0:23

Hi, it's Cheryl here. Welcome to Work Stress Anxiety by ABGW. 1 of the most expensive mistakes I think we make at work is assuming that everyone being nice means that they are safe. Nice can be real. Keep it. I'm not saying let's throw kindness into the bin like some unwanted office sandwich but nice can also be what I would call surface level, strategic. Nice can be what happens before pressure arrives.

Speaker 1: 1:15

And sometimes people who smile at you most warmly is not the person who's protecting your welfare, who respects your role as a manager or leader, or is telling the truth when it matters.

Speaker 0: 1:34

Annoyingly, I know.

Speaker 1: 1:36

Very inconvenient of reality, isn't it?

Speaker 0: 1:41

This is part 2 of the seasons reveal people. In part 1, we looked at what happens when new management change, the emotional weather at work. Today we're going a

Speaker 1: 1:54

bit deeper into Discernment and how to recognise the difference between friendly contact and genuine safety. The reason this matters to me is because people often do not leave damaging situations only because someone openly was cruel. Sometimes they leave because the atmosphere became impossible to breathe in while everyone continued using very reasonable tones of voice. That is the bit people struggle to explain. It sounds like a small thing from the outside, a tone, a meeting, a shift in access, a lack of warmth, being left out or being watched, a sense that if you say the wrong thing, the floor might quietly move underneath you. And because nobody has shouted, your brain says, maybe I'm imagining it. Your body may be saying something completely different though. What I've noticed is that many High Functioning Women have been trained directly or indirectly, to be reasonable at their own expense. Give people the benefit of the doubt, don't be difficult, be professional, keep the peace, don't make it awkward. Maybe they didn't mean it. Maybe you should just be more resilient. There it is, the old Resilience trumpet. But Resilience without reality can become self abandonment. You

Speaker 0: 3:53

can be fair and still protect yourself. You can

Speaker 1: 3:57

be compassionate and still notice patterns. You can give someone the benefit of the doubt once or twice without giving them the keys to your nervous system. This is not about deciding that everyone's a villain, because they're not, it's about learning that people belong in different categories of access. Some people are safe for your total honesty. Some people are safe for polite work conversation. Some need boundaries, documentation, and a witness if conversations are becoming difficult. That's not drama, that's Discernment. So how do you tell the difference between nice and safe? Safe usually has a pattern. Safe is consistent. Safe is clear. Safe respects your role. Safe doesn't punish you for asking reasonable questions. Safe doesn't make you pay emotionally for having boundaries.

Speaker 0: 5:17

Safe doesn't require you to

Speaker 1: 5:20

perform cheerfulness before you are treated fairly, and safe certainly leaves your nervous system steadier, not smaller. Nice, I think, may be warm in the moment, but if the pattern leaves you confused, tense, over responsible or unsure where you stand, that

Speaker 0: 5:49

is not nice. That is information.

Speaker 1: 5:53

And in workplace terms, this often shows through relationship support roles and change. Are relationships being respectful? Is support actually available or is it just mentioned in meetings? Is your role clear or is it consistently shifting? Is change explained properly or are you expected to absorb it with a smile while you're dunking a biscuit into your tea? And if things are becoming uncomfortable, keep it grounded. Date, time, what happened, what was said, what changed, what impact it had, what you asked for, what response you received. Now, you might wanna try this little micro step, I call it the 3 column people map.

You write 3 headings on a bit of paper: 6:59

warmth, pressure, evidence. Under warmth, you write down the people or the person that does that genuine support of you, not what they say, what they do. Under pressure, write what happens when you you're left tense, small, confused, rushed, silenced or over explaining. And under evidence, write the plain facts, dates if relevant, examples. No, it's not about character assassination here, it's just about behaviour and impact. So for example, Warmth, you might say they want open communication. They say they want open communication. I feel anxious after my 1 to ones and unclear often about expectations. Evidence. In the last 3 meetings, priorities changed without written follow-up. That kind of note keeps you out of the fog. Remember what I always say about relief and restoration? Relief is telling yourself they are nice really, so it's probably fine, because you need the discomfort to stop. Restoration is saying they may be nice, but I still need to look at the pattern. Both things can be true. Someone can have really nice, good qualities and still not be safe with your vulnerability, your trust, your energy or your career decisions. So

Speaker 0: 8:57

remember, nice is not the same as safe. Safety at work is shown through consistent fairness, clarity, support, respect and behaviour over time. Trust the pattern more than the performance. So if this episode has helped you in any little way please follow the podcast. This has been Work Stress Anxiety by ABGW. I am Cheryl Paris. Remember it's calm 1st, reality 1st then change because every step you take no matter how small is a step towards a brighter more balanced future. Trust in your journey and remember progress is progress, no matter the pace. Bye for now.