Season 3 Episode 4: After ICU: Processing “I Could Have Died”

What happens after a life-threatening experience? 

In this episode, I share what it’s been like processing the reality that I could have died after spending eight days in ICU. 

When you’re in crisis, your focus is on getting through it. 
But it’s often not until afterwards that the emotional impact really hits. 

This episode explores: 

• Why processing what happened is part of healing 
• The delayed emotional impact after a health crisis 
• Why suppressing emotions doesn’t support your recovery 
• The role of inner work in building resilience 
• What “active acceptance” really means in difficult moments 
•  How your response continues to shape your experience after crisis 

This conversation is relevant whether you’re living with a health condition or navigating a difficult experience in your life.  

Because healing isn’t just about getting through aa crisis, it’s about what happens after. 

🎙️ Referenced in this episode: 

Why Accepting Your Diagnosis Doesn't Mean Giving Up Hope. https://www.buzzsprout.com/2291961/episodes/15581826 

💻 FREE Guide 

If you’re currently dealing with a health challenge and feeling overwhelmed, this is a simple place to start. 

When Health Challenges Feel Overwhelming 
Four mindset shifts to help you stay calm and clear in difficult moments. 

Download it here: 

https://teisharose.com/overwhelmed 

📲 Connect: 
Instagram: @hurdle2hope 
Facebook: Hurdle2Hope 

If this episode resonated, follow The Hurdle2Hope® Show so you don’t miss an episode and share it with someone who needs to hear it 

 If you’re feeling overwhelmed by a health challenge, download the free guide here:

 https://teisharose.com/overwhelmed/

If you’re ready for more support, explore the Thriving Through Chronic Illness course and one-on-one coaching here:

 https://teisharose.com/thriving

Unexpected hurdles interrupt all of our lives. It is how you respond that will define your experience.

To find out how Hurdle2Hope can support you or your organisation please visit hurdle2hope.com. 

I would love to connect with you, Teisha.

Also, are you following @hurdle2hope on social media... I would love to see you there!

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Transcript

Teisha Rose: [00:00:00] I could have died, and that's what I've been thinking about and reflecting on over the last few weeks. It's a topic which can make us feel uncomfortable, a topic we often shy away from. But after I went through my whole ICU, um, experience, I was chatting to a girlfriend and she said, we don't realize how close to death we are.

And that made me, it took my breath away a little bit, but then I thought, well, it is right. I was lying in a hospital bed in emergency, then in ICU and at times I felt my body shutting down. So this is what I wanna talk about today.

So for those who haven't met me yet, my name is Teisha Rose. I'm dedicating season three of The Hurdle2Hope® Show sharing about my recent health challenge. Um, if you haven't been following along, you can go back to episode one. We're up to episode [00:01:00] four now. Episode one. I shared the experience of having my body shutting down and what that felt like and the impact that had emotionally as well as physically.

Then I shared in the next episode. All about what led up to this whole experience and the importance for all of us to have boundaries. Then in episode three, I talked about the main reason I got through this really horrific time was because of the inner work I've already been doing on myself, partly due to. Learning how to live well with both MS and navigating a stage four breast cancer diagnosis. So that's what we've been chatting about.

But today, as I said, this is all about what happens after a life-threatening situation. What happens when you have that moment, I guess, where you think, okay, life, life is in the balance, you know?

as I said in the opening, I could have died. [00:02:00] Fortunately, I didn't, and fortunately I am on the road to recovery, but processing that reality is difficult, but something I wanna share with you today.

So when you are in the middle of a crisis, so for me when I was in ICU, you're so focused on trying to get through those moments that you are not processing emotionally what's going on. And then it's sometimes a week or two later, and for me it was towards the end of being in ICU. So sort of, you know, day, day six or so when I was starting to feel a little bit better and I was starting to be more in control of my blood pressure and other markers, that's when I started thinking, oh my goodness, what have I just been through?

That's when the tears came early on in [00:03:00] living with ms. I don't think I was very good at sitting with those emotions. I always thought, no, if I cry too much, I won't be able to lift myself back up . So I pushed those emotions down, whereas this time I didn't do that.

And, you know, I'd be on the phone to my partner Andrew, and I couldn't help but cry. I really believe that now is part of our healing. And when. I talk about being resilient. Part of that is every insight you gain through moments and experiences like this.

Because you are learning about yourself. You know, I learned so much about myself. I've never faced death before. I've never been so critical before. So on reflection. I was like, wow, I got through that. That's incredible. But what have I learned through that and now facing my mortality what am I [00:04:00]learning?

Why am I feeling uncomfortable about that? Why am I even thinking, oh, maybe I shouldn't talk about this on the podcast.

But what I've learnt over the years is pushing emotions down doesn't mean they disappear. Just means they're hidden under layers and layers of whatever you do to hide them. And keeping that suppressed will impact your health later on.

Teisha Rose: I think it was in last week's episode, I talked about inner work and that you can't all of a sudden focus on building your resilience or focus on, you know, learning how to be strong. When you are in that moment of crisis, you've gotta draw upon the strengths you already have, and that's the same with healing. To heal you can't all of a sudden avoid the really dark times. Because reflecting on those, learning from those and dealing with those emotions, that's what supports [00:05:00] your healing.

In the work I do, I always talk about, unexpected hurdles will interrupt all of our lives. It's how you respond to those moments that would define your experience. Again, that's very true in getting through something like this ICU experience. But my response, how I respond, having an impact on that has to come afterwards as well.

And it's really easy after you've gone through something like this to think, I just wanna put it behind me. And absolutely, I don't wanna be stuck back in that hospital room at all. But I also don't wanna avoid what's happened.

So when I opened the episode saying I could have died again, I was thinking, oh, that was a bit dramatic. Don't need to say that. But the reality is, if you're spending eight days in ICU, you're there because you are in a critical condition.

And that's the first time, as I mentioned in episode one, that I've felt my body trying to shut [00:06:00] down and I think I've faced my mortality in being diagnosed with a stage four breast cancer.

But those diagnoses are very theoretical. I'm told this is an incurable disease. So often people refer to stage four cancer as terminal. I don't, but you know, that's the terminology used, that language used. And I still remember, the surgeon calling, canceling my mastectomy because the cancer had already spread into my liver and up here in my sternum and the absolute fear of that, I remember my stomach went into complete free fall like there was nothing holding me up. It was, yeah, it was so scary. But a lot of that fear was theoretical, me imagining what could happen with this diagnosis. Me not trying to look at the statistics as to, how long I have to [00:07:00] live.

But being in ICU, this took it out from being a theoretical proposition of what my life could look like to feeling the life force almost being sucked out of me. And that's real. You know, that's not theoretical.

Even lying in ICUI kept thinking about it is my response that will define my experience. So hopefully outta this episode, if nothing else, you keep thinking about that because I thought, okay, I'm lying here. I need to do what I can do to stay calm, but also to stay engaged.

And this is where active acceptance comes in. And I'll, I'll put in the show notes 'cause I've done an episode on that.

So this came back to everything I learned, uh, in my stage four breast cancer diagnosis. And that is that yes, I [00:08:00] accept I have stage four breast cancer, but I'll actively participate in that diagnosis. I'll do everything I can do to stay well and that can change the narrative. You know, for me, I've been very fortunate that I am in remission. So being in ICU, I had to take that same mindset. I think, okay, I'm in ICU. Reality is I'm hooked up to all these machines. I'm not in a good spot, but I can have an impact on this experience and I have to work out how to have an impact.

By actively accepting where I was. I wasn't just gonna lie there thinking, okay, do whatever you need to do with me and I'll just wait and see. I thought, no, I can use my mind to have an impact on this and by actively accepting where I am now, that will have an impact on my, on the outcome.

And for me, my, my business is called Hurdle2Hope® because [00:09:00] that gives you hope. Even when you're in a really, really dark moment, you think, okay, if I can just work out how to have an impact here, that gives me hope. That means that we could come out of this. And recently I was challenged a little bit about this way of thinking, and someone asked me, yeah, but you know, you're diagnosed with stage four breast cancer.

What happens if you die? Does that mean you know, you. You shouldn't have had hope. And I'm like, no, absolutely not. We can have an impact on our experience, and that means no matter what happens, we can have an impact on our last breath. You know, we can have an impact on what may happen if someone ha um, goes into palliative care or a hospice.

And some of the examples of how I got actively involved, I was very focused on my conversations with specialists. The ICU [00:10:00] senior doctor, the other doctors working were incredible. You know, three times a day at least, they would come in and give me updates and let me know what's going on. So I had absolute confidence in what they were doing, but I was very focused on taking on board what I could understand. And as I said, their communication skills were excellent. Um, so I could understand what was going on. And I kept it saying, when I wasn't responding to treatment, I'm like, that's okay, you work that out and I'll do everything I can in my power lying there to. I guess stay calm and rest my body and to sit up and sit in the recliner if that's what would help my blood pressure, even though I was feeling horrendous, go for a little walk if that would help. I did everything actively, um, that I could do to help the situation.

So. That's contrast. I just curling up, [00:11:00] curled up in a fetal position, passively thinking, well that's it, you know, there's nothing more I can do. We'll just see how this goes. And that's the same we've now, um, being out of hospital is I have to be actively accepting of the situation. No denying I think it's almost good for me, it was not good, but sometimes I downplay what I've gone through.

The reality is I needed eight days in ICU. So the reality is it was a really critical and serious situation. So accepting that, but now doing everything I can to ensure my body recovers from that. So today, before this recording, I had physio. I've been going for walks. I'm eating really well. I'm not doing too much.

Um, just the podcast episode or two, um, and working on my business a little bit, but that's good for the mind and keeping myself active. So it is [00:12:00]actively participating in this recovery, accepting that it was very emotional, letting those emotions out if I need to let those emotions out. Processing that and not shying away from the reality of facing your mortality.

So again, with these episodes, I don't just want it to be about me rambling on about myself. I want you to be able to focus and apply this on your own life with your illness. If you're not living with chronic illness just in your own life as well. So how I started off the episode, you know, it's all of us acknowledging that life is so precious that we are, as my friend said, walking is fine line, you know, and it doesn't take much for us to have to face the reality of dying.

That's not to scare us. But not only does that really motivate, it motivate us to embrace life [00:13:00] and look after our wellbeing. But it also, as I said in the last episode to an inner work, it's really about learning and growing and working out how we deal with the crises that come our way in life.

And I think, you know, I've touched upon dealing with the emotions of going through a crisis. So I guess the challenge is really changing the narrative. If you find it difficult, you know, to express your emotions. If you're scared about doing that, like I was early on thinking maybe that will stop me from being strong or stop me from being able to recover physically.

I think we need to, if we're supporting others or doing it, going through it ourselves, need to reframe this. If we are feeling emotional, let's not equate that with not coping or let's [00:14:00] not think being emotional means we're weak.

Because it takes a lot of strength to face your and deal with your emotions. So if we're emotional, let's think. Okay, I'm processing what's going on? I'm evolving, I'm learning. I'm building my resilience.

It's something we shouldn't feel uncomfortable about. If someone is emotional in front of you, it's holding space for them and not trying to suppress 'em and thinking, okay, they're letting this all out. That's really powerful for their healing.

So I guess I want to leave you with this thought, and this is what I've been grappling with a lot in facing what's been going on is. When something difficult in your life happens, do you allow yourself to feel that or do you try and move on quickly and push it down?

Okay. Another quick [00:15:00] episode. I'm letting you into my world in terms of what I'm going through physically, but also emotionally at the moment. And a really big part of that is facing the reality that I could have died.

Processing those emotions without pressing them down, which isn't good for our healing.

And I mentioned active acceptance. I'll put in the show notes where I've talked about that in another episode.

And if you are currently going through a bit of a health challenge like I have, or if chronic illness is part of your life, I've put together a quick reference guide. It's called When Health Challenges Feel Overwhelming. It shares four simple mindset shifts to really help you stay calm and clear in these crises.

So if you're interested, go to TeishaRose.com/overwhelmed and you can download it straight away for free.

Have a good week and we'll chat soon. Bye. 

​[00:16:00]