The Feed My Health Podcast

Mum guilt, people pleasing and learning to say "NO!"

• Rosalind Tapper

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In today’s episode, we explore the transformative journey of prioritizing health and how it relates to personal confidence. We delve into the significance of the confidence ripple effect—how enhancing your wellbeing can positively impact various aspects of life, including motherhood, relationships, and careers. We also discuss common challenges such as mom guilt and the importance of resilience in setting personal boundaries.

• Emphasizing the significance of spring in personal renewal 
• Discussing the confidence ripple effect and its impact 
• Exploring the challenges women face while prioritizing themselves 
• Addressing mom guilt and societal pressures 
• Highlighting the role of resilience in asserting personal boundaries 
• Offering support and resources for embarking on a health journey 

If you’re ready to take control of your health, don’t forget to book a free call for guidance and support. 


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Speaker 1:

Welcome back to the Feed my Health podcast. I hope you're all doing well. It's an absolutely glorious day here today in North Yorkshire. It's Friday, the 28th of February. You'll obviously be listening to this and it will be March, oh my goodness.

Speaker 1:

So spring is my favourite time of year, which might seem crazy because I love the hot weather. So, technically, summer is my favourite time of year, but spring is my actual favourite because it signifies to me the transition from the gloomy, dark months and also because I'm not really a fan of Christmas. It signifies that that is well behind us and we can start focusing on new, fresh, colour, green, just everything Easter and I, just I am so there for it. So whenever the sun shines, whenever the bulbs are flowering or bursting through, I am just the happiest person in the world and I just have to ask you actually for anyone who's listening who would be happy to help me jump in. Uh, my Instagram DMs at rosalindfeedmyhealth. I started. Well, I decided this year that I was going to do some bulbs in the kitchen, so I pre-planted some daffodil bulbs I think it would have been actually the back end of last year, with the idea that, with it being warmer inside, they would flower. I actually think I've killed them and I don't know what it is. I don't know what happens, but as soon as a plant seems to enter the house, it just dies. And I'm like I just don't really know what I do wrong. And I've asked my in-laws and people who seem to be more green-fingered than me in the past and they always say oh, are you over-watering it? And I water them when the soil looks dry. I just feel like I'm getting it all wrong. I don't really know, but maybe we can't all be good at everything right, but honestly, I thought daffodils would be super easy, but clearly not.

Speaker 1:

Anyway, talking about transformations and growth, we are here to discuss the confidence ripple effect. Now, what do I? I mean by this? And this is what is completely wild to me, and it's something that I recognised quite slowly as I was transitioning from overweight unhappy to starting to love what I saw in the mirror, starting to wear clothes that either I'd had from when I was kind of like early twentiess, or clothes like that were. I don't want to keep saying like today. By the way, I mean, love Island is long gone, so it should be well out of my system by now, but I don't know why I'm saying like all the time um, where was I? Yes, so clothes that I could fit into, that I could buy from shops.

Speaker 1:

I remember the moment actually this is a total waffle side note I remember going into Primark and actually being able to buy Primark bras and I know this sounds absolutely crazy, but I feel like Primark bras have been created only for tiny, tiny little people, and I just remember being able to buy one. It was just. It was a pivotal moment for me, because not that I desired to wear Primark bras, but just the fact that I felt included again, like I felt part of the normal range of sizes that people can wear. I just felt like a lot more opportunity was given to me. But I'm totally going off on a tangent here, but one of the things that I realized as I was sort of transitioning and becoming the best version of myself again was that the second, I started taking care of my health, and I mean really taking care of it, not just like, oh, I'm going to do this juice cleanse or, yes, I'm going to try keto, but really, really, really taking care of it and understanding it, just prioritizing myself. Something massively shifted for me, and I'm not just talking about my body and how it looked. Yes, I looked great. Yes, I felt much stronger and, yes, I felt more energetic. But the biggest change for me was my confidence. And again, I don't just mean how I looked and how I felt about myself, and I see this now all the time.

Speaker 1:

It's so clear to me when women come to me, so when they speak to me, first of all, maybe it's through social media, via email, whatever, on the phone when women come to me, they feel really, really stuck. They've spent years and years and years putting everyone else first, which is the massive correlation between where they are and how they feel in themselves. But it's usually because not only do they not know what to do and all the rest of it which is completely normal and I totally get that but because they've spent so much time focusing on other things, like kids, their partner, their job, their house, whatever, and you just become very consumed by all of that and and that's your identity and then you become exhausted, you become frustrated and, worst of all, they don't even recognize themselves anymore. And this, although it sounds like I'm like really being very upbeat about it, I think that's more so to do with the weather today.

Speaker 1:

It was actually a really, really hard and really, really sad time in my life and I can remember it so vividly. The thing that always strikes me about my journey and the thing that I struggle with the most is because I was so unhappy with where I was. I really really pushed it out of my mind as much as I could. I really, really tried to get rid of all of those thoughts and all of those negative feelings and pushed it out of my mind, and so when I tried to recall it, there are very few things that I can recall about that time, but one of the things that will never, ever leave me, because I think it dominated me so much, was how I just didn't recognize myself anymore as somebody who has been incredibly ambitious. You know, I wanted to be a pop star from a very, very young age, like obnoxiously so. I was very, very academic um, not in the terms of like any good at maths, as you know, I failed it quite a few times before I passed it.

Speaker 1:

But that determination, that relentless determination to be something, to have a purpose, and then all of a sudden it's taken away quite quickly because I'd had a child and my direction in life had changed and it was all my choice. But it doesn't stop you from feeling like, oh, this doesn't really align with who I thought I was or who I actually am, and that really stands true for me now, um more so, you know, than ever before, and and so when a woman feels this way, I completely get it, and very few women actually seem to be aware of that. Like I'll have a call with a woman and they won't even really understand that that's the situation. They won't understand that, they don't recognize themselves anymore. But some women do understand that and I really feel for them.

Speaker 1:

In that moment and you know, I was that woman too I also would keep shrinking myself. I touched on this a little bit last week and I don't know why I started doing this, but I suddenly started to justify myself more, justify my actions, justify if I spent money on something, and justify my, my emotions. Um, I was the one who would bite her tongue a lot, like I would be afraid for people to not like me or respect me or whatever. So I was afraid to say anything that was maybe controversial or didn't agree with what somebody else was saying. Um, and I would also take on a lot more than I should have done. You know, I I believed that I had certain roles within the house and I think now it wasn't about me thinking that I had certain roles as such, but more that I felt that I I needed to have a purpose and if my purpose was to make the house immaculate and make the kids immaculate, and then I had a role and I had a purpose and I was worth something in this world. And it's really sad when I think about it now. And it was very difficult for me to say no because, again, I was a chronic people pleaser. I really wanted people to like me and I felt that by saying no without then justifying why I was saying no without a valid reason, I was being unnecessarily selfish and not helpful.

Speaker 1:

But something really happens when you decide to prioritise your health and I really truly believe that this is one of the hardest things to put across to somebody. So if you are currently in a situation that I was, where you don't recognise yourself anymore, you're not where you want to be, this concept might just seem completely alien and not relevant to you and you might even switch off from it, and I get that. But it's really important that you listen to this, because all of the areas in your life that you potentially might not be happy with right now or you're struggling with whether that be work, whether it be your relationship, whatever it's all correlated to how you feel about yourself. And so please, please, please, listen and if actually, even if you think that everything in your world right now is exactly what you want.

Speaker 1:

I've had clients who have joined Feed my Health. They have gone through a transformation or they're going through a transformation, and suddenly they start to see themselves in a different light. They start to think to themselves well, actually I'm worth more than I thought I was. And they start to go for things more in life. They start to take on opportunities. They start to on holidays they never thought they would. Maybe they didn't believe they could wear a certain thing, or they start to go for promotions, just things like that. So, wherever you are right now in your world, just know that if you want something more for yourself, or even if you don't know that, you do.

Speaker 1:

Once you start to look after yourself, those windows opportunity start to open and then you get to decide if you want to walk through them. Not that many people walk through windows should have said doors but you know what I'm trying to say here, so I know, even if it doesn't relate to you right now, I would definitely listen to this because, oh my goodness, there's a whole world of opportunity ready and waiting for you if you want it. At first, it starts really, really small, so you will make time to move your body. For example, or you'll fuel yourself with different foods, or you'll stop treating your health like an afterthought and suddenly you start to feel different. You actually start to stand a lot taller, you'll carry yourself with a lot more of a lot more authority, and you actually start to make decisions from a place of self-respect rather than from guilt.

Speaker 1:

So I distinctly remember it was probably about three years ago actually I remember going out for a walk and it was just a typical day, and I remember thinking to myself I feel unapologetic about the fact that I'm putting on my trainers and going out for a walk, and on that day we had my mother-in-law with us visiting, and she was only there for a couple of days and obviously the kids were at home as well. I think it must have been a holiday had my mother-in-law with us visiting and she was only there for a couple of days and obviously the kids were at home as well. I think it must have been a holiday and normally I'd have been like I need to be at home, I need to be hosting, I need to be fussing around making sure they're okay, entertaining them. And I just suddenly thought to myself like if I was an athlete, like a serious paid athlete, and I had to go out for a run every single day, that was part of my job, part of my training, I wouldn't even question it. I wouldn't even question it. I would just go out and go for my run and everybody around them would go oh yeah, yeah, she's just going out for a run because she's a runner.

Speaker 1:

And I at that time really identified as a walker and I remember moving to Yorkshire and deciding, like I am going to be known as a walker, that's going to be it. Like I was so far from a walker. It was unreal, but I just decided, like I decided, that I wanted these new people in my new environment to know me not as the once overweight girl that was really unhappy, but as this fit, healthy, happy, vibrant mum of three who goes out every single morning and goes for a walk, and I just really distinctly remember just leaving the house that day mother-in-law on the sofa, kids faffing about doing whatever they were doing and just really not feeling sorry, like really not being, like I really shouldn't do this. I feel really guilty for going out because I knew that it would make me a happier human being that day. It would mean that when I got back from that walk, I'd have filled my cup, my energy would be higher, I'd sleep well that night and I'd actually be able to show up as a really great human being for those people in my life that cared about me and I cared about them. And when you can live your life from that place, it is transformational on its own. And trust me when I say this is what will happen. So if you are part of Feed my Health and you're not quite there yet, or you haven't identified areas where you feel more confident, then be patient, because it will happen. I promise, promise you that.

Speaker 1:

So let's talk about work as well, because this is another area where a lot of people really, really struggle. We've had clients come on who are in massive job roles and have lots of work on their shoulders and I think because of the position of their jobs, potentially, or how they've been brought up up, whatever they feel like. If I don't do all these things and show up as the best you know, employee or whatever you know, my job's at jeopardy, people won't think I'm good enough, I'm not up to the job, whatever, and maybe you're the one that everybody dumps the extra work on. Maybe you've always shown up as that person who's like super reliable and always says yes, and so people just think, oh well, I can just do that then. And maybe you're the one that gets asked to just stay a bit later or quickly handle this, because they know that you won't say no.

Speaker 1:

And now, when you go through that transformation, you're different. So you've built more resilience. You've built resilience through showing up to the gym on the day you didn't feel like it. When you've learned to push yourself and you're no longer afraid of the discomfort of maybe going into the gym in the first place, or when you have, maybe you've got like a particular calorie target that day and you want to stick to it and you've challenged yourself to say no to something that doesn't align with that target that day. That's you building resilience in one area of your life and what can happen is? It then translates into other areas.

Speaker 1:

So when your boss tries to throw more on your plate, you begin to push back. You actually say, no, I'm at capacity. I really want to do X, y and Z really well, and I know that if I add another thing to my plate, I'm not going to be able to do those as well as you would like, on the standard that you would like, or words to that effect. And here's the thing you don't second guess yourself anymore, you don't feel the need to over explain, you just stand your ground more and, for the first time, people actually start respecting your boundaries. I remember the first time I decided to practice saying no, like if somebody asked me if I wanted to go out, somebody asked me if I would do something for them, I just said no and I didn't give any explanation, and it felt very uncomfortable because I was used to justifying it all the time. You know, once I'd start to move away from, in fact, in a situation where genuinely, the answer was no and I couldn't do something, I would yeah, I would justify exactly why I couldn't do it. I've come up with all of the reasons so that they go ah, okay, yeah, that makes sense. And then it transitions into no, I'm sorry, I can't do that and that's it, and nothing bad happens and it's amazing.

Speaker 1:

So let's talk a little bit as well about mum guilt, because this is a massive area that I see holds a lot of people back and, with mum guilt as well, it's also to do with household chores and tasks. So mum guilt right, it creeps in when you are about to leave for the gym or go for that walk or say no to the takeaway or whatever it is, and the thing that the noise that you hear in your head is you shouldn't be spending this time doing things for you. You should be spending it with your kids. Your kids are only little for so long. I don don't want to miss these memories. Yada, yada, yada, yada, and it makes you feel selfish for wanting to be a stronger human, for wanting something for you.

Speaker 1:

I don't think social media helps at all in this situation and I think sometimes we can look at social media profiles and follow them as if they are good for us, when actually the messaging subliminally is promoting overindulging your children and I don't mean overindulging my children with love, because that's not a possibility. I mean making women feel less than for not spending every waking hour with their child, making papier-mâché easter bonnets or, you know, reading three stories before bedtime or whatever. Taking kids out on day trips all day, every day, in summer holidays, school holidays, whatever. I'm not talking about actually showing your child love, because that's that's not what I mean. Showing your child love, because that's that's not what I mean. So what?

Speaker 1:

What makes you feel selfish for wanting to be strong, for wanting to be? Let me get my teeth back in and let me actually say that properly. It makes you feel selfish, which is absolutely ludicrous, because if you zoom out to the big picture of your life, if you don't look after yourself now and then 10 years, 20 years down the line, something happens. Maybe you have a fall and you break something or you get type 2 diabetes or whatever. Think about how that could potentially impact your relationship with your children and or grandchildren. If you think about the fact that you don't potentially want to be a burden to your grown-up children because they're going to have to look after you, or maybe you want or you have visions of your grandkids coming around at Christmas and you're all sitting around the table and you're you know, or maybe you're down on the ground opening Christmas presents and maybe you can't do that. Just think about the fact that maybe what you deem to be selfish right now is something that, in order for you to be able to create memories in 10, 20, 30 years, maybe you need to go and do those things and also show and prove to yourself that it isn't selfish and give yourself that confidence that it isn't, that it is the right thing. Sorry for you to be doing so now you see it for what it is right, mom.

Speaker 1:

Guilt is a complete lie and it's a conditioned belief that tells women that they have to run themselves into the ground to be good mothers. I honestly thought that when my husband came home from work and my kids were bathed and the food was on the table and the house was dusted to within an inch of its life, I'd had a successful day and I was a good person. And now let's think about that realistically. How stupid is that? And I don't buy into it anymore. And once you start to have confidence in yourself and that self-respect, you won't buy into that anymore either.

Speaker 1:

When you prioritize your health. You become a better mum, hands down. You have more patience, you have more energy, you are not snappy, you're not drained by 3pm like with your face in the fridge looking for sugar, you're not caffeined up to the eyeballs. And the best part is that you become a role model. Your kids will grow up watching you and respecting you and watching you respect yourself, and they learn to do the same. So, no, you do not need to feel guilty anymore. You don't need to apologise for taking time to go out and exercise. You don't need to hide in the kitchen eating something quick and unsatisfying because you don't have time. You own your decisions and whatever you are choosing right now, you will not change.

Speaker 1:

Okay, and now I want to talk a little bit about relationships, because this is really, really important. When you are exhausted and when you don't feel good in your own skin, you don't show up as your best self. You can slap on a smile and you can hide behind all the alcohol that you want, but maybe you're letting things slide that shouldn't slide. Maybe you tolerate behaviors that make you feel small or that you wouldn't tolerate from other people in the past past, but now let's imagine you've built that confidence, you've built that resilience, you really start to respect yourself from the inside out. You've proven to yourself that you can follow through with things, that you're capable of change and that you are absolutely worth the effort and the changes that show that you show up and that changes.

Speaker 1:

I get so passionate about what I'm saying. My words just jumble up. It changes the way you show up in your relationships. You'll stop settling. You'll stop people pleasing. Your communication will be so much better. You'll be able to communicate your needs so much better and without guilt and without fear. And that's an incredible thing. And I think settling is the number one struggle, challenge and problem that I see not just in this area, but across the board in your life. And do you know what happens? When you do things without guilt, without fear, your whole life completely changes. Because when you're, that's my calendar reminding me that I need to do something. Because when you're strong, when you're thriving, every single one of your friends, partner, kids, whoever will benefit and your career will benefit and your friendships will benefit and your career will benefit and your friendships will benefit and you don't just kind of exist, you don't just fumble through life, you don't just I don't know what the word is like sail through or breeze through. You actually thrive, you actually live, and that's what I want for you. So if you've been waiting for permission to put yourself first, this is absolutely it, because the moment you do, everything will change. Everything will change.

Speaker 1:

So a couple of things I wanted to mention on this episode, actually before we close. Two first number one oh, my goodness, it's only one o'clock and I can't speak. Number one is I have decided that for anybody that comes through and books a call via the podcast, I am going to give a cheeky little podcast discount. So if you are listening to this or any of the other episodes and you decide you know what I actually want a piece of this, I actually want to know what Feed my Health is all about and you use the link in the show notes below to book a call and quote podcast, I will give you a cheeky little discount on your first month when you join Feed my Health.

Speaker 1:

The second thing is, with it being March, we have got, I think, off the top of my head I'm gonna have to look at all the numbers, but I believe we have four spaces for new clients for the month of March.

Speaker 1:

So, if you are looking to drastically, drastically improve your health, gain a strong mindset, gain a strong, toned body, understand nutrition, understand training, understand your mindset so that you can make smart choices for the rest of your life, gain life-changing confidence which is everything we've spoken about today's, in today's episode and be held accountable, be part of a thriving community and make it the last time you ever have to lose weight or worry about your health again, then this would be for you, and all I'm offering is a free call, a free conversation. There's no obligation for you to join if it's not the right fit for you, if you're maybe not a right fit for us. I will be very, very honest. I want the best for you, whether that's with us or without us. So, no matter what, you'll go away with a bit of a game plan, but the link will be in the show notes if you'd like to book a call. And, until next week, keep feeding your health, guys.