The Feed My Health Podcast
Welcome to the Feed My Health Podcast, where we redefine what it means to thrive as a modern woman over 30.
This is your space to explore sustainable health, balanced nutrition, mindset shifts, and habits that actually fit into real life—kids, careers, and all.
Hosted by Rosalind Tapper, a high-level coach and mentor for women ready to take the lead in their own lives, each episode is packed with expert insights, practical strategies, and inspiring stories to help you feel unstoppable💫
Whether you're navigating perimenopause, balancing family and work, or simply trying to find you again, this podcast will empower you to:
✨ Build a body and mindset you’re proud of
✨ Break free from yo-yo dieting and quick fixes
✨ Balance health with the joys of life, guilt-free
It's time to make yourself a priority without sacrificing what you love. Let's do this together. 💪
🎧 New episodes every week—tune in and take that first step to becoming the leading lady in your life!💫
The Feed My Health Podcast
Why women sabotage weight loss (even when it’s working)
What if your mindset—not your knowledge—is what's truly holding you back from weight loss success?
In this illuminating conversation, mindset coach Ashley reveals the invisible barriers that keep us stuck in cycles of self-sabotage. Having transformed her own business from fitness coaching to mindset work, Ashley brings unique insights into why we create excuses, resist change, and undermine our own progress.
The discussion unveils how limiting beliefs—particularly "I'm not good enough"—silently control our decisions without us even realizing it. You'll discover why successful weight loss isn't just about diet and exercise, but about stepping into a new identity that aligns with your goals. Ashley explains why we often sabotage ourselves right when success is within reach, and how to identify what emotional needs your old patterns were fulfilling.
Particularly powerful is their exploration of why women have been conditioned to believe self-care is selfish. "When you look after yourself, you're happier to be around... everything will feel easier and calmer," Ashley notes, challenging the notion that putting yourself first comes at others' expense.
You'll learn practical strategies for asserting your needs, setting boundaries, and recognizing when "lack of time" or "lack of money" are simply excuses your subconscious creates to keep you comfortable. The conversation offers a refreshing perspective on comfort zones, emotional awareness, and the transformative power of belief.
Ready to break free from self-sabotage and unlock your true potential? This episode will give you the mindset tools to finally make lasting change. Your limiting beliefs aren't your destiny—they're just waiting to be rewritten.
If you'd like me and my team to help you improve your daily habits, to lose pounds every week, and keep them off forever...
Apply Here
what's your name and where do you come from? My name's ashley. I got a wide enough an accent on there as well. I feel like that was a northern accent and actually and I'm from essex, I feel like I sound quite essexy now. Um and yep. So I'm obviously a mindset coach and I specifically work with people who suffer with anxiety and sort of panic attacks and things like that.
Speaker 1:But God, probably six months ago well, no, eight months ago I was a fitness coach, so I worked heavily in the weight loss sector, had a full fitness business, worked with weight loss and changed the game up for me in terms of business and went over to mindset, loved working in weight loss, but definitely my calling was anxiety and panic attacks and things that something that I've experienced, um, and I wanted to help people more of. But I know that obviously you, we were going to talk a little bit about mindset with weight loss, because it's a huge factor, you know. I think that's why I turned the business a little bit, um, because you know, with a lot of weight loss, I was dealing with a lot of mindset anyway, um, so, yeah, that's kind of yeah what I do, why I moved around and yeah fantastic.
Speaker 2:Well, the reason why I wanted to chat to you really is because, for for a lot of women, they don't realize that their biggest challenge isn't not knowing what to do. There is an element of that, in fact, there's a lot of an element of that, but it isn't the main driving factor. And, like I was just saying to you earlier, you know you can have the, you can have the best nutrition in the world and you can have somebody coming to your house and cooking the food for you and maybe even spoon feeding it. You can have somebody doing the workouts for you. But if you, if your mindset isn't, if you don't believe that you're capable or you are this person that you want to be or need to be to get this particular result, you're after that's kind of the key, the key thing, I believe.
Speaker 2:And I think when you say the word mindset to people, they sort of go oh, oh, here we go like a little bit woo, woo and a little bit like an incense stick and sit cross legged on the floor. But honestly, I didn't realise in my own journey how much I was changing as a person without really knowing it, stepping into a new identity. Yeah, without really knowing it, stepping into a new identity, and it's really only on reflection, like from the years of working with other women, where I've seen other women doing exactly the same thing and how important that actually is. So I love having conversations with you like pretty much on the daily about mindset, because it's so front and center. Everything that we do, no matter who you are yeah, 100. So from your perspective, what do you feel and this doesn't have to be weight loss related, it can be anything in life what do you feel keeps people stuck?
Speaker 1:I think a lot of the time that people aren't moving forward is belief in their self. You know there's limiting beliefs that are then holding them back, stopping them moving forward. And if you have almost that blocker in front of you of that limiting belief and you know, maybe that limiting belief has been created younger years it doesn't have to. You know, a lot of people assume, when it comes to mindset and it comes to that sort of thing, that it has to be something to do with childhood. Oh, you know, I had a really good childhood and everything's great.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's understandable, that there doesn't have to be any trauma to have blockers in the way or limiting beliefs. It can literally be someone laughed at you a little bit in the playground or you know, it literally can be these smaller things, and then there's a belief there that that isn't impossible for you, or whatever the goal is, whether it's weight loss, whether it's, um, you have anxiety and you want to get past that, or whether it's literally to public speak, whatever the goal is, if that blocker is in the way and you are unaware that blocker is in the way, you won't even think that thing is possible for you. You won't even think twice about it. So you then start to make excuses and you start to tell yourself that, oh well, I don't even want that. But if you actually took away the blocker, that is exactly what you would want. Or you kind of start to you might even put responsibility on other people, are you know, I can't do that because of so and so, or that's never going to be possible for me.
Speaker 1:Um, and actually the, the limiting beliefs, are really the biggest factor when it comes to mindset around that. So does that answer the question? Hopefully I don't. I said to you I don't want to ramble on and get off track, so yeah, it does.
Speaker 2:And I think, just going back to the thing you touched on with trauma as well, is that, from my experience, everybody's version of trauma is very different. So you can have a really traumatic incident like witnessing somebody get killed, you know, maybe you're in the army or whatever to to how you just described it. You know, and because I think very much like stress, everybody's interpretation and reaction to stress is very different. So I think on some level we probably all have some element of trauma that we've experienced, but obviously on a different level. And what I find really interesting, just from kind of being in this world, is I have now a lot of awareness. So I don't know if you find this, but when I speak to people, you know whether it's people who are looking to join, feed my health or just like friends, and I can hear what's holding them back.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you start to notice it, don't you? Yeah?
Speaker 2:you really start and and they'll say things like um you know, I've tried all these things and nothing works. And it's not that they've tried all these things and nothing's worked. Yes, there is that, there is a massive part of that, but there's something holding them back from wanting to. You know, go again. Like something's holding them back. Do you find in your immediate circle that you can now witness people's like living in accordance with their kind of limiting beliefs.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I think the biggest part of being an NLP practice is that we kind of don't assume but obviously there is. You can see limiting beliefs in everyone and I would say the most common one amongst people is I'm not good enough. And you might think, well, how does that relate to kind of like nutrition, how does it relate to weight loss? But if you're having you may not even know that you have, but I think literally probably 98% of the public have that I'm not good enough belief and if that is running the show and you don't even know it, you'll make decisions based on that. So you won't even start a diet because you just don't even feel good enough for that. Like it might not even be about diet and it might be exercise, like going to the gym. If you don't feel good enough in yourself, that decision or that belief is running the show on how you make decisions. So you don't even step foot in the gym. You wouldn't even think about stepping foot in the gym. So then you just don't even bother dieting because you just tell yourself that it's not possible for you. So that's just an example of I'm not good enough, because I see that with a lot of people actually, and it might literally you don't even know that it's there, I might say this and you go. Oh, that's not me, but a lot of the time it's running the show and you don't even realize it.
Speaker 1:But obviously now we've been on a journey. We can see and we are aware of things that a lot of people don't, and every single person will have limiting beliefs. It will just be what is yours, based on your circumstances, and you know it doesn't even have to be, like we said, a really traumatic. A lot of people go. You know I hear this a lot. Actually, I've had a really good childhood. There's nothing wrong with me. I've just got this or I've just got that or I just can't do that. Now it doesn't matter who you are, what you've experienced. You will have created beliefs as you grow and you age and the situations that you've been in and those beliefs are now running the show, whether you see them as limiting, whether they're positive whether not.
Speaker 1:That is what's stopping you achieving what you want to achieve or what you don't know that you want to achieve, and those beliefs and that mindset can be changed. So I think that's a really key thing for people to know, because that can be rewired and changed at any point. And that is exactly why I'm in the mindset specter, because I absolutely love that prospect to know that you can literally change anything about how your mind runs, because if it gets the beliefs at the top hopefully I'm not going too confusing with this does that make, does it? Have I made it simple enough? Because of course, yeah, I get really confused with it, but that's at the top and if you change them, you can literally achieve anything that you want, anything that you want.
Speaker 1:Um, but of course it's not that easy and obviously you know there is hard work involved in that. But you a lot of people that start their weight loss journey, for example, maybe start just to lose a couple of kilos or a few pounds or whatever, and then they realize that they can actually do more. Or maybe they want to tone up, or then they start to go into how many people have you started a scene? They do a weight loss show and then they're on the stage like competing in a body building show, like that.
Speaker 2:That just goes to show that when you start something, you start seeing what's possible, and then you aim for more and you want more, as I think we have in a lot of things yeah, and I think that comes down to being open, um, and trusting yourself, because it takes a lot to take that first step, like if you are somebody that's crippled with self-doubt and maybe you've tried lots of different things and you've got fear of failure and and also you know, as a woman, we are put in this world where we feel that we should give everything to everybody else and so we're not worthy of anything.
Speaker 2:So when you've got all of that going on in your head and you just don't believe it's possible, it takes a lot just to make that first step. Yeah, if you are somebody that knows deep down and everybody will know this about themselves, because I'm definitely one of these people like you know deep down inside that you can do more, that you want more for yourself. That's all you need. You just need that belief, and if you've got that little grain of belief like that will absolutely snowball. Yeah, and sometimes as well, it's just putting one foot in front of the other and seeing what you're, what you're capable of, and that will then keep.
Speaker 1:You know, you'll keep rolling, and I've, like we've got clients now that you know only I think it was last week were saying I would never have considered doing a photo show in my entire life that's why I love the photo shoot so much, because when you see people and they see themselves in the camera and they're like, oh my god, that's me, like that's why you do it, isn't it because that seeing people see themselves like, oh my god, that is me and that that is everything, isn't it? As a coach?
Speaker 2:yeah, 100%, and for me that I was. I was talking to Mark um about it when I got back from the shoot and I was saying to him do you know, what really blew me away the most was the level of confidence that they brought, and one lady in particular who had done a shoot before. The difference in her demeanor, the difference in her, in her enthusiasm, just just owning it like she, like she was just at home behind this camera and I just thought it doesn't actually matter about the photograph that you get at the end of this, because actually what you've now gained is so much more like valuable yeah, any like tangible photograph. Obviously the photographs are great because you get to look at them and put them on your fridge and stuff.
Speaker 1:Yeah, she says like really important there, like that lady was just at home, like that was. That's now her comfort zone. And I think that's really important to talk about like comfort zones. Like literally you start somewhere and that's your comfort and then it grows bigger and it grows bigger the more. But the way to get there is getting out of that comfort zone, which obviously your body doesn't want to do, like it doesn't want to be uncomfortable. Your mind, your body, whatever it doesn't want to be uncomfortable, like it literally will do everything to try and stop you being uncomfortable, because it's not human nature.
Speaker 1:Um, so you've just got to keep pushing past that, like you say, like one step at a time, because then once you do just a little bit, a little bit more, like that comfort zone starts to widen and that woman obviously was just there, like feeling completely at home. But reverse that back a few years, that would have been her complete out of her comfort zone, like probably would have looked at and gone, absolutely not. So that's the difference is those few steps. But then if you think about it like that, those few steps, and then that comfort zone starts to get bigger and she could do that like what else can be done, do you know? I mean, that's when the mind starts to really go well, I've just gone from A to B and that was huge in my mind before. Okay, well, now what can I do next? Like that's, that's the real thing, isn't it like just get out to see what's next and know that you, like everyone, is so capable of so much, and I find that so empowering and it's so exciting.
Speaker 2:It's so. It's like I find it. I get giddy on on behalf of my clients about what they can actually achieve and sometimes I want to just shake them and go come on you, I know you can do this like I I can. I can see the vision for you. But sometimes as well, I think that's what people need. They need people to see their potential and bring it out of them. Yeah, 100%. My husband, for example. He grew up in a family that were very probably what everybody would dream of. Actually, you know, his parents just thought he was the best thing since sliced bread. Like no matter what he did or what he does, it was just the best. You know, there were no expectations. There was no. You must go to college, you must go to university, you must go and be a lawyer. It was very much like you are my son and you are amazing.
Speaker 2:You know everybody, everybody wants to feel that way yeah but as a result of that, he then grew up in an environment where there was nobody sort of not pushing him as such, but sort of pulling him towards his true potential yeah, and I feel like the poor guy. I feel like we met and I was like right, what?
Speaker 1:do you want to do? Let's do it. Yeah, let's get the mortgage that we can only just afford. I feel like it's actually quite a similar situation to my partner too. That's hilarious.
Speaker 2:So my question to you is self-sabotage. If you get to a position where you're thinking right, I am going to go for the best version of myself, I'm going to get out of my comfort zone, I'm going to do the thing and I'm gonna prove to myself that I can do this, then they get a really great result. And then what ends up happening is something just snaps, like something stops them from moving forwards. And I know that it's self sabotage, and I think a lot of women at that point in their journey also know it's self-sabotage, but they can't pinpoint why this is happening. And so we talk about this all the time. It's always to do with identity and things like that, but you wrote down identity exactly, yes, so, but I, I, I love to talk about it, uh, from other people's perspectives as well, in their insights. So what do you? What are your thoughts on self-sabotage?
Speaker 1:Literally identity shift. There's a reason why. So you obviously get somewhere and it's different to who you were before. So if that's losing the way, if that's not being anxious in my world like they can do a load of things that they couldn't do before and everything feels amazing. The old identity is wanting something that the new identity doesn't give, whether it's connection, comfort, security or whatever. The thing is that you're not getting from this new identity. It almost wants to go straight back into safety. Maybe it's not getting safety in the new identity. Maybe it feels like if it's there, it's not going to get.
Speaker 1:Like you know, there's always an aspect of what are you missing out on or what are you not giving yourself, that you want to go back to that old identity. And if we talk about it from a weight loss perspective, it might be that you literally got comfort from food. So when you eat, you got comfort. So then I'm not saying that when you lose weight you don't eat, but it's a different type of eating. If you're eating for comfort, you're not eating to fuel yourself, you're just eating out of literal comfort. You just want to eat. It might be sugar, it might be sweets, it might be fruit, but the point is you're eating for comfort, not because you're hungry, you're just eating right. And then when you've created a new lifestyle where you're just fueling your body and you feel full and you know your body is, then your new identity is looking for that comfort. It's looking for that in some way that it's not getting elsewhere.
Speaker 1:And I think the biggest thing is when it comes to that, is finding out what that you're not having or what you're not getting from this new identity, and being aware of that and then giving it to yourself in other ways. So, if we talk about comfort, it might be that you need to give yourself comfort in another way. You need to spend more time journaling, or you might need to spend some time to give yourself some comfort, or whatever that looks like. Again, comfort to everyone is completely different and people might not understand what I mean by comfort, but you know you've made a habit in one way that you're now losing and actually that is needs to be given in another way, because you created that habit for a reason. It gave you something. So does that make sense? Um, and there's so many other examples that it might be. It might be security, it might be. You know the the new identity is missing something and that's what needs to be created. I think that's really, really important.
Speaker 1:Being aware like that, emotional awareness is so key because when you have that, nothing's going to get in your way, like you don't get me wrong we all self-sabotage to a point, but when you're emotionally aware, you can. It's like an alarm system. Ah, I'm not doing that. Why am I not doing that? I know that isn't going to help me reach my goal, but why am I going back to it? And you kind of meet that part in the middle and go okay, well, I want to get comfort, but I also want to still have my new identity and my new goal. Like, how can we meet in the middle to to create that as well?
Speaker 2:So and I think it's also realizing that.
Speaker 2:Well, number one, your identity that you need to step into probably doesn't get comfort from the same way the old one did, and that's that's really key, but also a lot of we get um from food in terms of comfort, you know, feeling like we are lonely or sad or whatever.
Speaker 2:A lot of that has come from childhood, when we were given things to pacify us. A lot of what people do to comfort themselves comes from when they were children and they learn it, and this is the thing that I think is the most important aspect when we think about our actions, especially if we have families, is if we think about, as adults, all of the things that we struggle with when it comes to our mindset and achieving things. All of the things that we struggle with when it comes to our mindset and achieving things, a lot of it comes from how we were spoken to as children, the things that we were given as children and so many things, and so I believe it's our absolute right and duty to ensure that we are as mindful and as clued up about stuff like this for the next generation 100% it is.
Speaker 1:It's the foundation of how you are as a human, like that is. You know what we surround ourselves, who we are and how we were brought up is. You know how we are as human as adults. That is our foundation. That's how the brain makes decisions and how we react and you know. That's why it's so key, as you then reproduce or have children, to be mindful of how you are around them and what decisions you make around them. And I think that is so key and that emotional awareness gives you the ability to be even more aware, like doubly, because if you're not aware, this sort of stuff doesn't really you know. You kind of do lash out or you are stressed and your kids pick up on that or whoever's around you pick up, picks up on it. And I think it's so key to be that emotionally aware so that you can ultimately be the best for your children. 100% you, literally I've just rounded what you said yeah, no, but that's what I'm so passionate about.
Speaker 2:Like I was literally having a conversation with somebody today, literally this morning, and she was telling me that she's really struggling to lose the last stone, and her exact words were. I just need to be more selfish and make it a priority, and I was really like this is the problem is that we have been conditioned to believe that taking time for ourselves is a selfish act. Where on earth did that stem from? Did it stem from the fact that, back in the day, sorry, I just said it makes no sense, like I can't.
Speaker 1:I can't get to grips with that.
Speaker 2:It's crazy, but do you think it comes from? And this is the only thing I can put it down to is, you know, back in the day, we women were in the kitchen they were doing all the jobs they were. You know, they weren't. I mean, maybe they were eventually. You know dvds and Jane Fonda and all that, all the rest of it, but actually I think it was videos, not dvds, when Jane Fonda was a thing, but before then, you know, a woman's place was in the home. She was scrubbing their walls and all the rest of it. And is that where it stemmed from? Because are we the first generation to kind of look? Start looking after ourselves?
Speaker 1:do you know what my mom asked me this the other day? Is this, is this a thing, or is just this? I think it's definitely, as we've got into this generation, something that we're really kind of clued up, because even when I was younger, like you know, the people I surrounded themselves didn't talk about emotions, didn't make it really clear that you know, this is how you process emotions, this is what you do like, this is how you deal with your mindset, like no, no one taught me anything. But is that just who I surrounded myself with, or is that quite a societal norm? And I think there are people out there that don't believe that that you know, we'll put themselves first, we'll look after themselves, but I also think there's, you know, a societal norm that has come from, you know, the women of the ages, and it's.
Speaker 1:It's really sad, actually, when you see so many women diminishing their own power or their own lives or their own selves because of the tasks that they've got to do, because it's almost like when you die those tasks, no one gives a shit about how well you made a bed. No, really, and I think it's so key to talk about, isn't it? Because you know what like you are when, when you are eventually on that deathbed and obviously I'm getting very deep, but you, no one cares about how you washed the washing, how clean and ironed it was, you know how many meals you put on the table or whether it was cooked well, like no one cares and that stuff is just so not important compared to yourself. And now I do feel like generations are starting to see that. But it's, it's really abnormal for some people and it is hard to kind of, you know, take that shift and put themselves first. So, yeah, it's, it's extremely hard.
Speaker 2:I also think as well that back in the day, people didn't speak about their feelings because it was a sign of weakness. Yeah, yeah, it really was, and I think that's the biggest thing is that we see we now have women who feel that if they show that they're struggling, speak up and put themselves first, put themselves in vulnerable positions that are not comfortable with, it's them being weak, whereas one and that was me through and through. But the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, and that's pretty much what I learned, I believe. So for me, I was like no, I I fully understand.
Speaker 2:In fact, the first time that I realized how incredibly powerful asking for help was was when, um, I joined the uh, the first business mentorship and suddenly I was just doing really well and I, but not even doing really well. It wasn't even that, it was the fact that I felt every morning that I had a purpose, I had clarity on what I was supposed to be doing. You know it was having direction, whereas prior to that I was just sort of throwing spaghetti at the wall and seeing what stuck. And I think that that's what a lot of women are doing with weight loss, and so, as soon as you go, actually do you know what I don't want's what a lot of women are doing with weight loss? And so, as soon as you go, actually do you know what I don't want? To waste the rest of my life struggling on my own. I do want to figure this out. Please help me. That's really powerful.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it is. And I think that's when you realize that you're capable and you break that sound barrier of beliefs. And just going back to what you said about being selfish like if you have a belief that if you put yourself first, that equals selfish, then you are never going to reach a goal that you have. Because if you do anything that go to the gym or you cook your own nutrition or you, you know, whatever it is that you might deem as selfish, you're never going to do it. And and that's the key thing Because when you do have a family, it is hard to maybe pay money out towards yourself and not the kids, or it is hard to, you know, make a different dinner for yourself amongst the family, or whatever it might be Not that we normally say that, but whatever the decisions are, it's hard and that's going to be an excuse that you will use. Oh, I can't do that, because that would be selfish of me. I can't do that because that would be selfish of me. I can't do that.
Speaker 1:But you have to see the bigger picture, and we spoke about this yesterday.
Speaker 1:When you see the future and the bigger picture of that, it shows you that it's actually not selfish because when you look after yourself, when you've lost the weight, when you've reached your goal, you're happier to be around.
Speaker 1:You're healthier, you've got more energy, you are 10 times more excited and more. You know people want to be around you because you're yourself, because you are happy, because you're not so irritable all the time, because we know when you're not happy and you you kind of like stuck in maybe it's weight loss and you've gained weight or whatever you're irritable, you're frustrated. You want to shower everyone all the time like you're just oh, everything's like like that all the time. So it you're just oh, everything's like that all the time. So it's not selfish, because actually you're doing it for everyone else. Yes, you should be doing it for yourself, we know that, but actually everyone will be happier to be around you. Everything will feel easier and calmer and more seamless, in a way. So, yes, if you have a belief that it's selfish, okay, but actually it's not at all, because the outcome is going to be nicer for everyone as well, but do it for yourself more than anything.
Speaker 2:And and I think that the limiting belief there needs to be talked about a little bit more, because when you think about making a decision, let's, let's talk about health and like the investment of health, like financial investment and also time, right, if you find something or somebody or something that you want to do, that's going to help progress you, but you're kind of on the fence or you're sort of a bit cagey about it or reluctant, whatever. There's a limiting belief there and it's never about whether I can afford it, right, it's never about can I afford it, because everybody can afford it. Everybody is getting parcels coming through to their door from Amazon pretty much every single day, right, everybody is. Everybody has probably got a Netflix subscription. Like this is not an affordability issue, it's a priority issue. And then the other side of it as well is um, what was my other point?
Speaker 1:oh time, that was it time.
Speaker 2:You know when you get the two thoughts going on at the same time. Time oh, will I have time for this? Well, let's have a look at your settings on your phone and see how much time you spend scrolling on social media and I'll tell you if you've got enough time. So it's not I don. This is not to say that people struggling for time and people aren't busy and that people need to look. You know, look after their pennies, but that's just the noise that you're telling yourself to justify not taking the action. I believe there is something under the surface that is making you use those as reasons to not move forwards. So let's talk about what you think they are.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I think I just had like a trade of thought, which is that she just gone. We must be on something today. But, like, the subconscious mind will always and you know, if you don't know what the subconscious mind is, you obviously have a conscious mind then your subconscious mind, and it will do anything, anything to get you to realize or get you to think about what's comfortable. So if dieting is that you're going to be uncomfortable, it's going to give you every excuse possible, and that might be time, that might be money, it might be anything that means that you don't have to be uncomfortable Because the subconscious mind doesn't care about your goals. It cares about safety. It's there to ultimately keep you safe, and comfort equals safety. So it wants you to stay overweight, it wants you to stay unhappy because you are comfortable in a way right. So it's going to find every excuse, everything possible that you grab hold of, and it's it's never about money.
Speaker 1:I've said to you before when I had really bad anxiety, you know what. I had no money to invest in a coach, no money at all. But I paid, you know, a lot of money on a credit card because I had the desire. It was the time for me to say goodbye to anxiety and get rid of it for good, because it was holding me back so much and it was uncomfortable to pay a load of money out on a credit card. But you know what? The desire was there and I paid it back because actually, in the end, I created a business and whatever right. Um, I got the money back.
Speaker 1:But the point is like it doesn't matter about money, it doesn't matter about time. It's the excuse that you tell yourself in order to to make it feasible to stay where you are, to stay where you are in comfort. And you just have to really think about what the end goal is from self as well, like, what do you actually want to achieve? Is that what you actually want, or is it what someone else wants? Because normally I used to see a lot of people come in with these weight loss goals and it would actually be for someone else. It wouldn't be for them. And you have to figure out what you want, what you really really want, and then decide if that's worth going out of your comfort zone for as well yeah, yeah, 100, and I think it's about your belief, it's about whether you can.
Speaker 2:Again, I feel very privileged because I've always had this drive to always improve and I think you and I are both incredibly relentless on our mission to to change the world and all the rest of it, um, so I feel very lucky about that. But like going back to you saying, you know, to invest in this um coach, you know you would have had to get a credit card. You know a lot of people wouldn't do that. A lot of people would feel very uncomfortable about that. Um, but money really is a tool.
Speaker 2:At the end of the day, you're going back to the like when you die, people aren't going to tell you how beautifully made your bed was, they aren't. You aren't going to sit, you know, lying on your deathbed going, oh, I wish I had more money in the bank. You're going to be longing for, yeah, you're going to be longing for all of the opportunities that you missed out on or the memories that you made, and that's really what's most important. But in the moments of our lives we forget that and we put all these barriers and these barriers are in the form of finances fear, all the rest of it and it's really hard because every single person has got so much potential and it's whether you're strong enough and want it enough to be able to kind of push past all of those childhood beliefs and move forwards.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I think a lot of people you know I suppose we're probably not the people that are listening to this podcast, because if you listen to this, you want to improve, there's part of you that wants to push forward. But the people that have no awareness, no awareness that they can be better. And I think at one point in my life that was me. You know, I had a very nine to five job. I had anxiety, so I just never thought that anything was possible for me. I just was like well, this is my, this is my lot, like this is where I'm at and that's okay, you know, I'll just stick with this. But when you start maybe even challenging yourself like the smallest thing, that's when you realize, oh, that doesn't have to be my lot, like I can do more. Again, the blocker for me was anxiety at the time and you know I'm just an anxious person, I can't do that, I can't do that. But then you start realizing, the more you, even if it's just small, you're like okay, and the awareness, like I said, is the key thing. Because if you don't have that awareness, you don't even you have no idea that you can push forward. Again, I don't think the people that listen to this podcast will think that they're not capable, because, actually, if you're listening to this, you want to know more, you are even wanting to push yourself or you're already out of your comfort zone. Um, so you know the drive that you have to push yourself forward and you know that you can do it.
Speaker 1:Just really be aware of any excuses that you are making that you feel like are excuses. Ask yourself, like, like, why is that there? Start digging a little bit deeper under that surface and start questioning yourself Okay, is this based on fact or is this based on a fear? And that's what I love to do, because you start seeing, I would say you start seeing yourself as self, and then these parts that come in If it's's, you know, overwhelmed part, overthinking or self-doubt, or anxiety, or these parts that are coming in try and separate yourself from those parts, see yourself as self and then be like right, if that part wasn't there, would I do that? And if you would do it because that part's there, that's when you know and it's an excuse, right, does that make sense? Yeah, definitely.
Speaker 2:Actually, you just thrown me back to a memory just from you saying about seeing yourself for yourself, and again goes back to a time when I wasn't aware of any of this stuff. So I remember the day that I decided, when I was really overweight, like enough was enough. I clearly remember just feeling something just changed in me where I was just like right, I am not doing this anymore. And I remember taking my progress photographs and I think it. You know, going off the tangent for a second. The most annoying thing for me now doing the job that I do is not having so like loads and loads of pictures of when I was overweight. But why would you? Um, I remember just standing there taking these pictures and then I was like I really want to make a stand with this and I love social media, I love sharing things, right. So I was like, right, maybe I should post this on Instagram and just tell everybody what I'm doing.
Speaker 2:And then there, was a little part of me going don't do it. Everyone's going to judge you. Oh my God, what are people going to? People gonna think like why would somebody who's overweight put themselves out there on the internet and show everybody? Um, and I just did it. And then I got into the playground that afternoon and my neighbor said to me oh my god, I can't believe. I've just seen your pictures in your underwear on the internet.
Speaker 2:But she said it in a sort of trying to like quite a demoralising way. But you could tell there was a hint of jealousy and I could see that hint of jealousy. I could hear it in her voice and I thought, hmm, that's interesting. And in that moment I realised that this was nothing about me. This was everything about how she felt about herself and that she would never do that. And that was the best thing that I ever did. And so my limiting belief at that point was what will people think? But when I think about what you were just saying about from self, the from self for us was like I'm gonna do this, like I'm owning this, look at what I'm gonna achieve. And um, yeah, and. But at the time I had no idea that that was even a concept.
Speaker 1:It was just like this internal battle with the little dragon or dragon, the devil and the angel yeah, and that's the thing, though, as well, like whenever we have know, maybe, if someone judges, or someone says something not very nice or whatever it might be, it's only ever a reflection of themselves and their own insecurity.
Speaker 1:So, when we might, if we're as a person and we judge other people, it's not because we judge ourselves, it's not other people. And you know, whenever anything happens, it is always a reflection based on them. You know, if they judge someone, it's normally because they judge themselves, like it's literally a reflection based on them. You know, if they judge someone, it's normally because they judge themselves, like it's literally a mirror. So, when we think about from that aspect, that really helped me to understand that, okay, like, whatever I do, people are going to have their thoughts. But it's actually not, it's not about me, it's about them and that's okay. You know, you have to kind of be okay with that in some sense. But you're, yeah, you're completely right. I've completely gone off on a completely different turn, but you are as well, you know.
Speaker 2:So, yeah, I think I think that's also really where the next level of self-awareness comes in, because, like you've just said, everything is a reflection of how they internally feel about themselves.
Speaker 2:But similarly, we behave in reaction to what we believe in our limiting beliefs. So, as an example, I have been, I've been made aware of this particular content creator who's predominantly on tiktok and he is um, he's got an online coaching business, but all of his reels, or TikToks, are of him taking out of context other coaches' content and sort of bad-mouthing it in a very loud, sort of obnoxious kind of a way, and I really don't like that, because I feel like you shouldn't have to pull somebody down to make yourself look more like an authority, and I immediately have no respect for the guy. He might be really great at what he does, but why do you need to? Why do you need to make other people look small to make you feel, and that I feel that he is, uh, very insecure from doing that? But this is also a reflection of me and my beliefs. So, as much as what he's doing is about him and his limiting beliefs, how I'm perceiving it is down to me and my beliefs, and it's a very complex.
Speaker 1:It gets quite interesting.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's a very complex situation, but we do. We act in accordance with our beliefs, and then we the way we respond or react to people is our beliefs, through their beliefs.
Speaker 1:It's all very crazy but when you understand it it makes so much sense, um, and you kind of wonder why you never knew it before. And now it opens up such a world. You know, for me with mindset especially someone that struggled with anxiety like why they don't teach this stuff in school. Because it is the basic understanding of humans, like on the brain, like neurological stuff, and you almost go well when you know, you almost understand that anything can be changed.
Speaker 1:Habits and personalities aren't such a thing. You can literally do whatever you want, like and I just. And you can literally do whatever you want, like and I just, and you can almost change your state as well, like you can change your emotional state at any point. Now it's not just that easy, but when you understand how it all does become very easy and I actually think why is that stuff not taught in school? But of course it's not going to be taught, because if you can just change your state and you can just become who you want to become, it's going to be a world that you know isn't as societal as and you know that could be going into so many conspiracy theories, but we won't do that, I won't do that. But yeah, I always say to myself why do they not teach this stuff in schools?
Speaker 2:yeah, and but it doesn't actually make any sense because if you think about anything that they do like, there are lots of practical day-to-day things that I think that they should teach in schools. How?
Speaker 2:to manage your money, for example. Yes, we learn algebra, but like I've never once had to fail my tax return using algebra, you know. But it would be really useful to know about how much to save for tax and how much to save for retirement and all of that sort of. I think like the practical side of life is not tall enough it's not like why?
Speaker 1:why? And I then that questions for me in my mind like why do they not want you to know that? But then you go down a whole other path. But you almost think, like the stuff that we learn it, it really didn't. I mean, I remember doing food tech and like learning how to make a piece of bread and like don't get me wrong, I'm sure that's beneficial. But like what about if I never go on to make a loaf of bread? And especially now you have like YouTube and TikTok, like you find that out in seconds. Like hopefully they've changed that at school. Thinking about it, because do you not ever remember them saying as well, you'll never have a calculator on you all the time? And now you have your iPhone, which literally has a calculator on all the time yeah, but I think maybe that is more to do with the times.
Speaker 2:You know, we don't know what we don't know. Like we don't know where we're going to be in 10 years time. For all we know we could have clones of ourselves. We just press the button and we go right. We want to achieve this today, make it happen. So we, we don't know what we don't know. So, even at schools like they didn't know that we were going to be able to have a calculator on our phone, they didn't even know smartphones existed when, well, were going to exist when I went to school. So you know. But I think that what we now need to do in as individuals is bring the awareness to people that this is a possibility for them, and I think that's what we need to do. Like, through my um, through my content, I'm trying to show women that they don't have to eat dust and they don't have to do cardio like two hours a day, and actually their identity is the most important thing, and then they are capable of more.
Speaker 1:And you know, you're, you're channeling your mission through what you do, and I think that's all we can do yeah, I like the fact that it's about empowering people as well, like showing them what is possible, because, again, like we say about the mind, the mind only knows what the mind knows.
Speaker 1:And when it starts to open up to a new world, like new possibilities and I think that's the biggest thing that I want to say is, like you are capable whoever's listening this of so much, so much more than you ever imagined. It's just opening up to that and being able to think that it's possible. Like they talk about manifestation all the time, right, and I'm kind of a bit of a believer in it, but really just makes more sense in the neurological science of it. When you believe it's possible, when you speak every day, your brain starts to think that it's just reality. It doesn't know the difference between imagination and reality, and that's what I find fascinating, because once you believe it even to be slightly possible, that's when it becomes it. So, yeah, that's what I find fascinating about learning about the mind and the brain is that, yeah, it's an incredible thing the human body, that everything is incredible, but, yeah, just realizing what you are capable of yeah want to achieve as well and surrounding yourselves with people that want more for themselves and want more for you.
Speaker 2:I think that's really really critical. My entire life changed when I got rid of people that didn't want more for themselves. And I'm not saying that everybody should want more for themselves, but I feel that for me and my circle I want to be around people that are action takers, that are the go-getters, and that really transformed everything for me. And even like this morning, this woman was at her house and she said it was the first time I'd met her and, bearing in mind what I do for my job and what I do day to day and stuff, she said, oh, do you work out? And I said, yeah, and she went yeah, you look like it. And even her just saying that just gave me like such, a, such a boost. Yeah, and I think there are so many people in the world that don't have somebody just saying those things to them.
Speaker 1:But that just transformed my entire day. That's the thing, the power of who's around you and what's said around you. You know, I always say this um, my partner bless him when I gave up fitness coaching. You know, fitness coaching was great money for me in terms of you know, business, but I completely gave up and I gave up all of my income.
Speaker 1:But he, he just stood by me. He said you know, I believe it's possible for you, like, I know that you can do it if you set your mind to it. I know what you, you can achieve and you know. Obviously, now it's worked out. But there were so many times he could have said to me, ash, that you know what, like, I don't know if this is gonna work, um, but he believed in me, he believed was possible. And if I'd have had someone there going well, I don't know if you can do it, and it's a bit tricky I maybe wouldn't have believed in myself enough and then it wouldn't have happened and I wouldn't have grown the business that I have. But that's the thing, if you've got someone sort of you know around you saying, you know, oh God, I don't know, you know this might not be possible, like, you start to then move into that frame of mind and and that's where it's really key to have people around you that believe in you, that will push you forward and that want similar things.
Speaker 2:Doesn't even have to be the same, but they know it's possible for you and you know they're pushing to strive for more, and you are who's around you really, and I think if you do have even the odd person that sort of questions it or gives you that kind of funny look or that or anything, it just will put a seed of doubt in your mind and that I just feel that that equates with their seed of doubt as well, though, isn't it?
Speaker 1:it's only ever their seed of doubt. It is.
Speaker 2:But you have to have that awareness. You have to be aware that that is their seed of doubt. They're they're reflecting what they don't believe is is true for them or they're capable of onto you. Because actually, in fact, it's not even about that. It's about the fact that a lot of people don't like change. They certainly don't like people who they believe are on their level, exceeding or or um achieving things in their lives that maybe they actually deep down want to achieve, but they just don't really know how and they don't feel that they have the, the drive or the know-how to do it.
Speaker 2:And so what a lot of people do is they will try and pull you down to keep you on their level. So sometimes it's not even about them feeling a certain way about you or themselves. They just want that their comfort zone is the people that they know and their friendship being like on a level or the relationship being on a level. There a lot of women, sorry retract that. There's a lot of men that don't like their women to start looking after themselves and working out, because they don't want their women to suddenly look better than they do or like they're suddenly punching you know yeah, and I love the way you said they're women, like they're theirs, like they're like they're women and it's like actually of my own person.
Speaker 1:You know, because a lot of men, a lot of men think, oh, my wife, like you're mine, and actually know we're married together. And a lot of people always say that about me and my partner because we don't have kids and it's like, oh, when are you gonna have kids? Or like I know I've gone completely off track there, but like that they always sort of assume that I get it really confusing because my other partner's called Ash, I'm called Ash. It's very confusing, but they always think to him and the partner how many partners have you got? No, no, him, sorry, my partner, I've only got one.
Speaker 1:Um, but literally, like they always assume that he's gonna do the manly jobs and I'm I'm cooking, and like when they see him cooking and cleaning, they're like, oh, you're just helping her out. We have a house that's together. It still mind blows me when I go on holiday with my mom and dad and like my dad literally sits there and goes I'm hungry, and it's like, oh, ok, you can make your own food, but that's just the way they are and you know, hopefully he never listens to this, but that is who he is is and that's how they've always sort of been, you know my dad sits and does the manly jobs or whatever.
Speaker 2:Um yeah, completely went off the bat there. But yeah, it's going back to a generational thing. I mean, I went to go and get my nails done the other day and the woman. The woman said to me oh, what are you getting your nails done for? And I said, oh, I've got a photo shoot. Oh, where's the photo shoot? Oh, it's down in Stoke. Oh, you know. So what? What's gonna happen to the kids then? Bearing in mind, my kids are 13, 15 and nearly 17? Um, I said, well, mark will be at home to look after them. Oh, will he be okay with that?
Speaker 1:that's crazy, to me that's crazy.
Speaker 2:I know, but this is the biggest challenge, right? So, even if you I mean, I do believe that the majority of people aren't in relationships like that, um but even if you do believe that you know every decision that you make needs to be a joint decision and all the rest of it, I think I think almost this is where people are going wrong a little bit, because at the end of the day, um, you are an individual. Whether you're married, a parent, you know a sister, a wife, uh, whatever, you are an individual. You came into this world on your own and you were going to leave this world on your own. But so suddenly, in the middle, all about what we want, what we desire, what we believe we can achieve in our lives gets diminished by everything and everybody around us. I think I really want women to kind of step more into their power again and own what they can achieve and who they want to be on their own.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I think that's a big part of you know, when you have a family, when you have kids, you almost step into, into. I still can't understand it. Maybe this is why I don't have children yet, um, but like when I speak to my friends and they're like, oh yeah, I've just got to check that. Um, you know my partner's going to be in and I'm like, well, you're out so he will be in, like that, that in my eyes, when I have kids, if I'm going out, my partner's in, I don't have to ask for them to babysit, that babysitting thing. You know, I remember someone saying it once. They were like I've just got to check that he can babysit what? Babysit his own children.
Speaker 1:But yeah, like I think it's. You know I've completely gone off on a tangent there. But you know, I think when I want to have children, I want it to be that I am my own person. I'm not, you know, but again, I think, comfort, you know, I think it comes back to a lot of people want to be looked after, they want to be reassured. So they like stepping into maybe that sort of you know, secondary place compared to someone else, or they don't have the confidence to step up on their own. And that might be from you know, when you were younger maybe you didn't have the confidence to step up on your own. So you're now, maybe you're in a marriage and you kind of step to the you're like lowering confidence and you step to the side.
Speaker 1:But I think when you realize that actually there's a lot that comes out of that power, you don't need that comfort, security, reassurance from anyone else. You can give it to yourself. That's when you go ah, I can actually step into that power. You know I can. I can give everything that I need to myself. And that's not to say that you don't need love and we don't need support and care and you know everything that we get out of a relationship. But you can give that to yourself so that you can want to be in a relationship. You don't need to be, and that's why I see a lot of people needing to be.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it will actually improve those relationships. It's not. Your relationship isn't supposed to be your everything. Your relationship with children isn't supposed to be your everything. You, you, you are your everything. And then everything that you bring to the table complements what you've allowed into your world. Yeah, so if you sorry, you go, what I was gonna say was like, if you are sitting there going, well, I, I need to look after myself. I'm not happy in in my body, I've got a really poor mindset around food, all of those sorts of things that's not complementing your relationship. And that's the disconnect is that as soon as you start to get a handle on who you want to be and the best version of yourself, that starts showing up in all of the pieces of the puzzle, and those pieces are your job, your hobbies, your children, your spouse it's not all of them and then I'll think about myself and that's where everybody gets it wrong, I think.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I think you know a lot of the time that, like we say, has come from a generational aspect of how it was and I think you just don't need to be like that anymore. But sometimes it it can be hard, especially when you've had kids, because you've put someone else ahead of your needs for such a long period of time so you almost don't know what it's like to put yourself first. I saw, I saw that a lot. Obviously I worked in child care for a long time as well.
Speaker 1:I worked with a lot of parents and you know I worked in the fitness aspect and I think the habit of putting someone else first becomes such a norm when they're young that you almost can't, you don't step into your own side or yourself. But I think it's so important for parents to have that time, even when they're young, to have for themselves. I'm not saying daily that you just put your kid down and then you just go and do whatever. But I'm saying is set in time, if you've got the support around you, if you can afford support or whatever, to be able to step out and say actually I need some time to myself.
Speaker 2:But a lot of people don't do that because they feel guilty for it, and that's where that belief can sometimes be born.
Speaker 1:It might even be born from childhood, from yourself, but actually a lot of it's born in that point where you go well, I can't do that, I feel guilty if I do that. So then then that breeds on. The kids are older, and I saw this a lot. The kids are older and then you're kind of left to your own devices and you're like OK, what do I do now? Now it's even worse to step out and put myself first, because it's been 15, 18, 20 years of putting the kids first. So then it feels even stranger, and that's when it's almost like, really, kind of the belief is deep in there. So you're almost better off.
Speaker 1:But obviously I'm saying this without having children, so bear in mind that I don't have that. I don't understand that side, but I would believe that it's really key, even when they are young, to put yourself first, because it's going to make you feel happy, a better person, as we said before, but also you're not going to leave it 20 odd years. They're going to go off and do their own life and you're kind of left to be like, oh well, what do I do now? You know, yeah absolutely.
Speaker 2:I feel like every time I go to talk it goes. It's funny, but I can hear you okay, that's good. Yeah, I think I think as well. You're right on the money there.
Speaker 2:With regards to like, when kids leave home, it's like that whole empty nest syndrome. If you have spent all of their lives raising children and being there, everything and being there whenever they need anything or whatever, you're going to feel like once they've gone which they will eventually you just don't know what to do with yourself. You forget who you are. And I've always said this, from day one, before we even had children. I remember speaking to Mark about this and how we were going to raise the kids, and I think that's really important to have that conversation before you have them. But I remember saying, like I'm, I am not raising little children, I'm I'm raising responsible, independent adults. So whenever we've thought about introducing a new kind of rule into the house or a chore into the house, it's always been with the understanding that we're trying to raise independent, confident, responsible adults, not that we're trying to raise toddlers like demanding toddlers, so like one of the things that we always do is when they turned nine, as part of one of their gifts for their birthday.
Speaker 2:We would give them a wash basket. I love that and at that point they were solely in charge of their washing and it wasn't me micromanaging them. I would teach them like on day one. I'd teach them right, right, this is how you separate your colors and your whites. This is how you put it in. This is how you do the powder. This is the. This is the thing you need to put it on. This was what will happen if you accidentally put this particular color in with your whites.
Speaker 2:I'll teach them all of that, but from there they're on their own, because, as far as I'm concerned, my job isn't like laundrette. You know, when you've got three kids, there's a heck of a lot like that washing machine can be on twice a day. Yeah, I committed my life to doing that until they move out or even beyond. Of course, I'm not gonna have time for myself, but I also haven't given them the gift of confidence and independence, and that's a that is a real gift that is worth more than any Disneyland trip or Night Jordans or the latest smartphone.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I love that. How do they feel about it? Because obviously when you're young you don't really see the importance of those things or the kind of beneficials of that, until maybe you get older. But I feel like they're going to look back one day and be like that was a really good gift that they gave me. But what? What do they think about it now? I'm interested to see.
Speaker 2:I don't think they think anything of it honestly, I think, in fact, actually I did a podcast with Ava. It was like one of my first podcasts and we were talking all about these kinds of things and I got a lot of compliments on that podcast because of the way she came across. And I think they don't think anything really of it because that's always been the case. They've always had jobs, they've always been given responsibility, so it's actually just normal and actually more so than anything. I think that they look at um, that they understand the correlation between friendships that they have and those friends who don't have any responsibilities. They understand, like there's lack of confidence in school and that sort of thing.
Speaker 2:And when I remember, actually during Covid, when the kids went back to school, um, there was a lot of children, obviously for lots of different reasons which I'm not going to go into, but I'm just going to talk about our children's school, there was a lot of kids in that school who had gone back quite substantially with their learning because obviously they hadn't kids in that school who had gone back quite substantially with their learning because obviously they hadn't been in that classroom environment and they didn't have people behind them going.
Speaker 2:Nope, this is the standard, this is what we're going to do. But also, because they have all of these responsibilities outside of their school work, it gives them a lot of self-worth, it gives them a lot of purpose, it gives them a lot of skills that a lot of children don't have and that gives a lot of independence and, you know, a massive amounts of confidence. So they got back into school and not only had they excelled in their learning during covid, but they were really confident, you know, like get helping other, willingly helping other kids that were struggling. So I don't think it's even about, you know, trying to get my kids to be really good chefs or any of that stuff. It's not, it's nothing to do with that. I don't care if they put together a bowl of pasta and put some cheese on it. I mean, we are a bit beyond that now, but they would try and do that if they could get away with it. But for me it's not about them doing stuff.
Speaker 1:For me it's a family unit that's what I love so much about it, though. It's like all those really great benefits that you've just listed, but also the way that you they look at you then, because if you have how do I say this nicely but like if you have a mum or dad or parent, whatever, that does everything for you, amazing, okay, you don't have to do anything, but how are you respecting that person? Like, how are you looking at that person? I'm not saying that you'll disrespect them at all, but you almost go well, they'll just do it. Like that's the boundaries that you set, and everyone has different boundaries and everyone has different ways that they do things.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but in my perspective, that kind of leads me to think that you're just going to always do that. And imagine there's a time where you can't do it, you don't want to do it. What happens then? Because you've kind of set that boundary to do those things for everyone, and I think that's why it's really important to lay your clear boundaries out in relationships.
Speaker 1:And then, if you then start to, if the person who's doing all the things starts to build up resentment for doing it because they didn't actually want to do it in the first place, they're building up resentment with you, but you have no idea that. Yeah, so actually what you're doing with your kids is saying you know these are your things to do, but you didn't just say randomly, one day, right, I'm going to do everything for you. But now actually, you've got to do that like you're setting it up in a way where you're setting up respect as well you know I'm doing this for you as well but also these are the boundaries, so that you're not looked at like a laundry lady or you know. But there's so much thought that goes into that, I think, and actually from all aspects.
Speaker 2:It's pretty cool, isn't it? Yeah, and there's there's no like it's just the expectation now yeah, it's just how it is.
Speaker 1:It's just, yeah, part of their world, and that that's what I love, though, because it's not like, it's not a big thing, it's just part of their life. I've had so many god I was gonna say I've had so many boyfriends. That sounds bad. I've had so many partners in the past not loads, just just a good number. That literally just. You know, when it gets a little bit serious, they assume that you're going to do your washing for him, they assume that you're going to do the dinner for him. And it's like, why, why?
Speaker 1:But like, obviously, when I met Ash, he'd been traveling, he'd lived on his own, his mum never done all that stuff for him. It was just like he grew up to be, you know, someone who can do that stuff for himself. So, like we as a partnership are a partnership, we're not well, I'll do this and then you just it's never expectations either. We actually even set a rota like for who's cleaning what of the house and then who's doing what for the dinners. For us. That really works, because there's no expectation. Well, why haven't you cleaned this? Or I've done everything this week and whatever.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, and I think that I couldn't live any other way. Now, like it just mind blows me when people expect someone to do something for them. I mean, if that's how you want to live, though, that's absolutely fine, as long as it's setting your boundaries and you're happy with that. And I think a lot of people live with boundaries and, uh, certain standards that they're not happy with, and that's the difference, isn't it? You have to just be happy with what you've set out and laid out, and it's not building up resentment, um relationships I also think as well.
Speaker 2:While you were just saying that, you just struck a little thought in me. I also think it's very attractive and very powerful to assert your needs 100. So if you think about this from like a sexual perspective, right, let's imagine you're in bed with somebody and they're like, oh, I really like it. When you do this, or I'd like you to do that, you wouldn't go. Oh god, they're so weak. You would be like I like that, like you're telling me what you need, like your needs are really important.
Speaker 2:And I think when we just go about a day to day, a lot of women sort of cower under there like maybe they don't even know what they need. Maybe they don't even know what they want, but I'm pretty sure that they do they just don't feel like they're in a space where they can share it or air it or own it. And I think actually there's something very attractive and very powerful to a child from their mother or to their a partner to for you to say do you know what? I want? To go out for an hour's walk every single day, and I'm going to make that my priority. And you guys can all do your things and whatever you know is your prerogative, but this is what I want for me.
Speaker 1:And I actually find that I would say a lot of my teenage years 20 years was I was not that person, so I would never speak my needs. I was a people pleaser, I was fitting in and I'm sure a lot of people can relate to that. But I grew up in a world where you didn't really speak your needs. Well, not even that you didn't speak your needs, but it wasn't you kind of like in front of people put on a show and you were like you know, you didn't say if you needed something different to what other people have, because you want to kind of not make a big scream and shout about something. You want to kind of just blend in and kind of look okay and save face, I to say right. So then, as I grew up and I kind of went out into the world, you know I never spoke what I needed, so I just kind of got what I was given in everything relationships, um, you know, friendships, whatever work I just done what I was told and never spoke up.
Speaker 1:And then now obviously I'm older and I've gone through my own transformation, physically and mentally. I literally will like my biggest value that I stand by is honesty, like I really, really love when people are honest with me and when I get to be honest as well. So I always stand up for what I need. Now, sometimes I'll revert into old habits and I'll notice it because I'm aware, um, but that is the biggest power because, like, I used to go to the dentist and like say, for example, it would hurt, I'd never say anything.
Speaker 2:They'd be like. Is that how I can be like yep.
Speaker 1:I'll be in like horrendous pain. They're like drilling through my teeth and I'm like it's absolutely fine, it's great. It's like you've got to stand up and say, actually, do you know what? That is hurting a little bit like what, but of course that's seen as a weakness. That's seen as you know.
Speaker 1:Whatever it might be, you're being difficult, yeah, that's dramatic or these things, but actually now, like so I don't have anxiety because of that, because I get to stand up and say what I need. I don't just kind of like stand in the corner and say like I'm just gonna sit here because that gave me anxiety. Actually, funnily enough, when you actually learn to be your most authentic self, you can actually be like yeah, I want that, like, or I need this, can you do this for me? And it doesn't need to be like I'm only going to think about myself and that's it. It can be. You can still care about everyone else, but you can also put yourself forward, because when you put yourself forward and you say what you need, like you have deeper, meaningful relationships with not only yourself but with other people. People understand you better. You know you don't have these big blow-up arguments. You can actually resolve things and talk about things you can.
Speaker 2:You can then also understand someone else's needs so much more, because you understand your own yeah, a great little hack, actually a great little hack if you want to be the kind of person that explains their needs and it's a little bit uncomfortable because you do feel like you want to please everybody or you're afraid of what people are going to think is going to a restaurant and asking for something slightly different off the menu. So let's say, for example, there's a salad. Let's say, you order a salad and whatever, and it comes with a sauce, saying to the waiter can I have the salad, but can you put the sauce on the side now? For me, now, that just seems like a completely normal go through to think, to say, but there would have been a time where I would have gone. Oh no, I can't ask for that because I think I'm being really difficult.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but if you can start to just put dip your toe in that world of just asking for what you want but that's not typically, you know, um, allowed, if you will, it just is a great little way to start. And then the next time you can go and go oh, you know how that steak comes with fries. Can I have it with this? Instead, you know, just start to make the request a little bit bigger, a little bit bigger, and you'll suddenly give yourself a lot of confidence and that will then transpire into your everyday life, in your work life, with your colleagues, with your kids, everything. So it's just a great little way.
Speaker 1:I love that, though, because I had to recently, a couple of months ago, I had to go to a spa and I'm dairy and gluten-free, so I am. It is definitely a little bit tricky, um, but they had one thing on the vegan menu and one thing on the gluten menu. I was like, can we just like put that together? Like you know, I had to do that because I wanted to put myself first. I could have, you know, just had something that was vegan, which was obviously dairy free, and then had gluten in, or I could have had gluten but dairy. And I was like, well, why would I do that? Why would I put my needs?
Speaker 1:Obviously, I'm not intolerant, but I have obviously hormonal needs and different things going on with me, which is why I do it. But I was like, no, I want to put myself first. I don't care about this waiter and what he's going to think or whatever in the kitchen, because actually I know that my dairy and gluten needs or non-needs or whatever my dietary needs are important Because they're going to help me to get where I want to get and to help me with my hormones and whatever. So, to put myself first in that position and actually had a really nice dinner. They gave me like really nice chicken with some potatoes and a bit of salad and whatever, and it was lovely, but had I not asked, I wouldn't have eaten. Yeah, actually, I put myself first. I walked out and I was like, yeah, I felt really good and it does feel good, doesn't it?
Speaker 2:I actually think it's to do with the fact that we care too much about what other people think of us, because I had a client who, um, she was really great with her nutrition and everything she was doing fell in line with what she wanted and her goal. But her biggest challenge was going to a relative's house and that relative being very set in their ways about what they served and how they ate, and it really was completely the opposite to what she wanted for herself. And so she was really panicking about, you know, creating a strategy around what she could take with her and stuff like that. And I said have you considered just talking to this person and saying this is the goal that I'm working towards, these are the changes that I'm wanting to make for myself. Is there something that I can bring to accommodate that?
Speaker 2:And what ended up happening was exactly what I imagined would happen. Is this particular family member went oh yeah, no problem, tell me what you would want and I'll make sure I've got those things in. So that person basically rolled over backwards to accommodate this family member's requirements if you want to call them requirements or needs, let's call them needs and all that time she was catastrophizing over the fact that, oh, I have to have the thing that she's going to make, otherwise I'm going to offend her or put her out, and it's. We're so bothered about what could happen, what might happen, and just don't consider, like, actually, you know, if you people who love you this is the key thing people that love you and genuinely want the best for you, will do whatever they can to support you in any area of your life, and if there's any doubt in that, there's a doubt in the relationship.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I was about to say that actually anyone who doesn't support you, again, it comes down to an insecurity of their own. Yes, like again when it comes to dieting. I saw that a lot with clients actually, where they'd go somewhere and they'd make comments like other people around them would make comments like, oh, you don't need to diet. Or like why are you doing that? Like, oh, just have a glass of wine. Like why are you not drinking, or whatever, because they'd chosen not to drink for the night and actually the the reason why that person pushes you so hard to have a glass of wine is because they know that they could never not drink, or they could never, or they know they need to not drink and they need to pull back and you're almost like showing a mirror to them and they don't like it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it might not be that, but a lot of the time it does come down to that. It comes down to an insecurity of their own. So then it throws it back to you. So I would say, anyone who is in that situation where they know the comments or the people aren't going to be accommodating, stand even more firmly in your needs or what you want, because it's going to then empower people. It might not feel like it straight away and their comments might feel like they dig a little bit and it hurts, but you will have actually eventually trigger something in them that might empower them.
Speaker 1:Yeah it might not be that they need to go on a diet, but it might be that they go wow, she's doing amazing.
Speaker 2:Yeah, um and they could ultimately change somebody else's life just through their actions yeah.
Speaker 1:So when you actually sticking up for your needs it's not embarrassing, it's not a bad thing to do, it's not dramatic or whatever people might call it you're actually going to empower more people, empowering yourself first. That's what you're actually doing. You're empowering yourself first. But actually think about it on the aspect of people are going to see that People are going to see you putting your needs first, seeing what you're getting from it and seeing how you are from it, because you're going to be happier, you're going to care less, you're going to feel free. You're going to see the results and people are going to see that and then go oh actually, actually, that looks great. She's doing amazing. I'm gonna do that, or it might be something else, but either, or you're feeling good and that's the main thing well, on that note, we're gonna wrap it up because I feel like we have.
Speaker 2:We have talked for a long time.
Speaker 1:I knew I'd go off on tangents as well, I think.
Speaker 2:I often think that the tangents are usually the best parts of things like this. So well, thank you so much. I really appreciate your time and you know we're probably going to chat in about five minutes time anyway, but, um, thank you for for sharing your insights and thoughts. Much appreciate it. And one final question before we go um, I asked you this last time, but I'm going to ask you again because I can't remember what you said, quite honestly, and we haven't got the recording to prove it. So what does feeding your health mean to you?
Speaker 1:oh, I remember this question. Now I can't remember what I said, though. Um, I feel like it's fueling your body, fueling yourself, I want to say, putting yourself first, and that's kind of what we've talked about for quite a lot of the podcasts, but it is putting yourself first, putting your health first and your needs first, really, yeah, so does that make sense? Yes, it does absolutely.
Speaker 2:Thank you for that. Well, have a lovely rest of your day. Thank you, roz. I'll speak to you soon. Bye.