Journey to Well
We are not created to do this healing journey or life alone. In fact, it was Bessle Van Der Kolk who expertly shared “healing happens in the presence of an empathic witness”. That is the heart of this podcast & my business : to witness. You can expect a plethora of conversations on nervous system regulation, breathwork, human design & astrology, cycle alignment, energy & spirituality work and so much more. We are all on a journey back home to ourselves, rediscovering our innate power within & I am thrilled to take this journey to well with you. be well xx
Journey to Well
Hot & Grounded with Board Certified Sexologist | Dr. Diane Mueller
Want a relationship that lasts and still feels electric? We sat down with Dr. Diane Mueller, a board-certified sexologist with dual doctorates in Naturopathic Medicine and Acupuncture & Oriental Medicine, to unpack the science and practice of keeping monogamy hot and deeply connected. Her story starts with unexpected healing through pleasure and expands into a research-backed framework for building resilient intimacy without shame or guesswork.
We dig into desire mismatch and why the “meet in the middle” approach leaves both partners unsatisfied. You’ll learn a simple values-and-pie-chart exercise that exposes whether your calendar actually reflects what you claim to value. From there we make the case for scheduling intimacy once a week, not to kill spontaneity, but to protect it—because you already “scheduled” sex when you were dating. Dr. Diane clarifies a crucial distinction: desire is of the mind, arousal is of the body. Men often feel desire first; women frequently need arousal before the mind says “yes,” especially under stress. That insight reshapes foreplay, pacing, and expectations.
We explore hot and modern monogamy—keeping the stability of partnership while actively tending to emotional intimacy, physical touch, and sexual play. Expect practical tools: erotic reprogramming to rebuild safety after a lull, mindfulness techniques that anchor you in sensation, and a “name it, don’t shame it” script for sharing fantasies without getting shut down. We also break common myths: most women need clitoral stimulation to climax, men gain oxytocin bonding during foreplay, and both partners prefer 17 to 19 minutes of warm-up more than pop culture suggests. Novelty matters too; treat your sex life like learning new chords on a guitar to avoid repeating the same tired script.
If you’re ready to close the orgasm gap, defuse stress, and fall back in love with your own chemistry, this conversation delivers clear steps you can use tonight. Subscribe, share with a partner, and leave a review to tell us what you’ll try first.
Connect with Dr Diane Mueller :
- Through her book - Want to Want It / https://mylibidodoc.com/want-to-want-it/
- Or through her website - https://mylibidodoc.com/products/
Let's connect on social media! You can find me @ _journeytowell
Be sure to reach out and say hello 🤍
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Ready to dive deep? Explore our signature 1:1 coaching experiences ALIGN or EMBODY here!
Craving guidance, expansion or growth? Let's connect.
https://journeytowell.net
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be well, my friend
xx Hannah
Hello. Welcome back to the podcast Journey to Well. So I was just telling Dr. Diane, I'm like, I am so excited to talk to you. I've been telling all of my friends that this is gonna like this is my favorite topic to talk about. This is my favorite um topic to approach because we don't talk about sex enough. And I've had a sex therapist on the podcast before, which if you haven't listened to that, go listen to Emma. Um, but you are uh Dr. Diane is a board-certified sexologist with dual doctorates in naturopathic medicine and acupuncture and oriental medicine. And we are here to talk about your book that's coming out, probably already out by the time this podcast airs. Um and we are here to talk about the conversation of sex and open that up. And and one of the things I really love about you is that you really love to talk about sustainable monogamous relationships, which I think when we talk about sex, oftentimes it ends up being like maybe exploring like polygamy or or different things. Um, so I really love the flavor of your what lights you up in in your business. Um, but before we get to all of that good stuff, let's do a little introduction, let's hear a little bit of you and what brought you into this field, especially with your double doctorate that has nothing seemingly to do with sex. Um, thank you so much for coming on. And yeah, I will hand the reins over to you to introduce yourself however you would like.
SPEAKER_01:Thank you. I will introduce myself with a couple quick stories here. And the first one is how I got interested in sex, and the second one is how I decided to talk about this publicly because very, two very different things. So it was really interesting. I first got interested in the topic of sex long before I even was in medical school, or years, I should say, before I was in medical school, when I was about 20 years old, and I was having this really crazy vulvar pain, and it was like keeping me up at night. It was really um, really impacting my health. And like I said, this was before I went to medical school. So I didn't know anything about medicine. I went to doctors, ran tests, everything was normal, but it was just like, well, what is driving me kind of baddie with this pain? And one day I started talking to my roommate at the time, and she handed me a book that shocked me because I had a very, very religious upbringing in it. Like self-pleasure was taught to me as like very, very bad and wrong. So she handed me this book called Sex for One by Betty Dodson. And it was shocking to me, right? Because this was like something that I would never consider doing. But one night I'm reading this in my Volvar Pain, and in the book, Betty talks about how she was finding that people, when they self-pleasured, when they masturbated, that pain was going away. So one desperate evening, I tried it for the first time ever. And oh my God, Hannah, like the pain totally went away. Came back the next night, tried it again, pain went away. And so I did this a few nights in a row, and then the pain was just totally gone, never came back. And so that was definitely like the first thing that really opened me up to something that I say a lot through my book, which is pleasure is not just about desire, but something that we require. Because it really opened up the question for me of what it, what it, why are we given this gift of pleasure? Why do we have a clitoris as women that literally has zero purpose other than pleasure? So my study, my work, all of that with it was all has just been for two and almost two and a half decades behind closed doors. Um, just being like, okay, this is just like my hobby of what I'm reading about for fun and my own life and to help me with my relationship, that sort of thing. But uh a few years ago, when I went through a divorce and really went through the trauma of that, and that was like uh just after that, the Harvard study came out, and the Harvard study showed it was an 85-year-long study, and it looked at water and exercise and food and genetics and you know, gut, microbiome, all these different factors, and looked at what was the leading thing that would actually not just lead to better, like to happier lives or to longer lives, but to happier, better lives. Out of everything they looked at over 85 years, the evidence was conclusive and the answer was relationships. And really having been fueled by divorce and you know, and really wanting to make a difference and help people prevent against that and knowing the importance of relationships and knowing that lack of intimacy is one of the top five reasons why couples get divorced. That really is what started me on my mission. And the mission now is to improve a million relationships. So that's what I'm doing. That's why I'm here talking to you. That's why I wrote my want-to-want it book. And, you know, and that's really why I do the work I do is to just help couples have more passion in their lives. And, you know, with my medical background, it's like really primed me to, you know, be in research and to understand like like what is the science and look at like the science behind desire and the science behind libido and say, okay, how can we do this from like a very tactile, pleasure-filled thing, you know, way, because it is about pleasure, but how can we actually also look and like, you know, kind of hack sex, so to speak, from a scientific way as well?
SPEAKER_00:Interesting conversation topic. And I love one of the things that we kind of talked about when we first chatted was this desire mismatch and exploring that. And I'm curious if you can kind of expound upon that for us.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, absolutely. And it's a really important, you know, conversation, which is why it came up last time we chatted, because it's one of the number one things that couples that will actually drive couples to have problems with their intimacy life. It's one couple is way more interested, or one partner is way more interested in the other partner. Um, you know, and sometimes it's sometimes it's the one, sometimes the other. It can flip through at lifetime. And the way couples are often, you know, try to navigate this is something like, well, okay, well, I want it, you know, every day or I want it every week, and you want it three times a year. So we're gonna meet in the middle and have it like once a month. And what winds up happening when couples try to do that is like one partner is always having, like, or most of the time having like obligatory sex, you know, just like having it because they're trying to like, you know, feed the relationship and and do that. And the other person is also like not getting their needs met. So it's like, while I do very much agree with people when they say that like compromise is a very important skill to have in relationships, when it comes to the way that's applied to desire mismatch, oftentimes it really leaves this kind of problem with you know, with what I'm I'm sharing here. So there's lots to be said here. But one of the first things that really helps couples, and like I have a six-week course on this. And the first step that I oftentimes give people is that helps kind of with like that motivation to even take a further step is to do this, is to actually write out a values list of the top things that you value the most in your life. And any relationship expert will say that, you know, right at the top should be you, your partner, and any sort of spiritual, you know, God, energy, universe, any sort of spiritual thing that you believe in. And those are the three that should be at the top. And then children and work and all those other things should fall right under that, right? And so write out your values list and then make a pie chart. And in the pie chart, put 24 pieces of pie representing the 24 hours of the day. And hopefully seven to nine of them are sleeping. And then what you're doing is you're filling in the rest of the pie with what you're doing, and you're looking to see, first of all, if your partner even has a piece of the pie. So before we even get into fixing the desire, before we even do that, and there's a lot we can do there. But the first fundamental step is saying, like, kind of like that awareness of like, Houston, we've got a problem, kind of thing, right? Like that awareness of do I even have and am I even creating space for my partner to exist in life? And what I see is like just like with our Fitbits, just like, you know, these data tracking devices, there's even a great data tracking device for orgasms that okay, and that makes this data tracking device is really cool. And I'm gonna circle back to the question here. Um, but this data tracking device is shown, it's a vibrator and it actually tracks arousal and orgasm. You can see it on an app on your phone. And what they're finding with the research with this is when we look at it, when we're tracking it, orgasm quality goes up and orgasm frequency goes up. So we're kind of taking that with this initial desire mismatch, like, you know, stuff like that, your Fitbit, your steps. Like when we track things, they improve. So it's kind of that first step with saying, okay, I have a problem. I am saying I value this person the most, but yet am I actually allowing them a space into my field? Do they have a space in my day? And that's kind of that initial, like, oh, aha. Maybe I don't feel like it, but maybe it is worth putting time learning how to feel like it, learning how to have this intimate time with my partner because I'm not even giving them space in my day. And I'm saying that I value them the most. So that's a good intro step for people.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, that was my question. So it's it's kind of reflecting on like how much time you're actually giving them, not how much time that you would wish or would desire to be giving them.
SPEAKER_01:Bingo, exactly, exactly. And it's like it's one of those things, right? Where it's like an I talk a lot to people about scheduling sex and scheduling intimacy. And it's very, you know, some people love it, but I get a lot of pushback on it because the biggest level of pushback, the biggest reason is people will say, like, but I just want it to be spontaneous.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:And, you know, and there's two things I say to that. And the first is when we are dating in the beginning, when things are hot and we're all in that new relationship energy fire, that we actually always schedule sex. We always schedule our intimacy because we have a date Friday night, and maybe it's the first time we might do it. And we're like, okay, well, got to put on the, you know, the special panties and you know, the great boxers or whatever they are. And then we're gonna see them again in three days. And like, are we gonna have sex again? Like, okay, like my leg shaved or whatever, right? So we're constantly actually largely scheduling it and scheduling these dates where it will highly likely happen and we're kind of planning like that. And then when we combine our lives, we share keys, we move in, we had buy houses, have kids, all the things. Then oftentimes that's actually when we stop scheduling it because it's finally now supposed to be spontaneous when it never was. Um, and then the second thing is even if you schedule it, you know, if you schedule it like once a week, which is where we see in research that couples say that say they are the like happiest in their relationship, they tend to have sex on average about once a week. And so, you know, so if we're saying, okay, well, we're gonna schedule it once a week so we make sure we get it in, you can still have all the spontaneous sex you want. It's not to say like the one doesn't allow for the other, but it's to say that if this isn't happening regularly, then that is allowing, then you're creating the space for it, just like, hey, like I know every day when I'm gonna get exercise for the day. Like that is in my schedule, right? And if it's not in my schedule, it's probably not gonna get done. And so it's, you know, kind of a two-part answer is we like the first thing with the pie chart is really about bringing that awareness to people of like, oh my goodness, we have a problem. Like I say, I value you, but yet I'm not actually attending to you, that sort of thing. I'm not attending to us, right? And then the second phase is hey, okay, well, here's how we I may start making space for this. And that's how we, you know, then start bringing up at least creating the time to work on the desire and the intimacy.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, and I'm curious because I I love uh defining the differences. I'm curious how you would define the difference between intimacy and sex.
SPEAKER_01:I use intimacy um definitely way broadly. I mean, intimacy we can, you know, we can talk about physical, like physical intimacy, sexual intimacy, emotional intimacy. We could even throw mental intimacy in there. You know, so I am speaking very broadly about it. And initially, like when we work with things like um like erotic reprogramming, right? When we're talking about, okay, well, maybe a couple has not had sex in months or even years, oftentimes we will start with more like emotional, physical intimacy on, you know, kind of our scheduled intimacy nights and not even the sexual intimacy yet, and just kind of take that off the table and help couples just like get used to like what is it like to be laying naked, giving each other massages without any expectations, right? And just kind of building up that safety around that physical and sensual touch. So, I mean, there's definitely a difference. I look at intimacy as like way broader than just sex. Yeah. And so whether, say, a scheduled sex night or a scheduled intimacy night would be, hey, we're more focusing on one area of intimacy versus another, in part is going to be dependent upon like where the couple is. I do really see with what I see in surveys around when couples are reporting to be the happiest in their lives, and what we see on like the Harvard study on, you know, longevity in relationships, that from a standpoint of like a good goal to maintain the relationship for most people, I think is really a minimum of once a week as a goal for sex, you know, for true sexual intimacy. But that being said, depending upon where people are, it might not start there. It might start as, hey, let's start our intimacy date nights with just like emotionally connecting and you know, getting to know each other, feeling safe together. Um, let's move from there into physical intimacy and and work on sensual massage and eventually maybe sensual massage with happy endings. And we kind of build up that intimacy back to sexual intimacy. But it to me, the word intimacy is definitely way more broad than just sex. So I appreciate the question.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, it's such an interesting conversation topic because I've definitely met people that like they they kind of just equate intimacy with sex and having that conversation of there's so many different ways that we can be intimate, and there's so many different forms of intimacy, and almost like inviting that invitation to explore different kinds without, like you said, I think that was really important, without the expectation of sex. Because the other thing that I want to touch on here, and then I do want to get to like my questions that I had reading your book, but the other thing that I want to touch on is that conversation topic of like I'm too stressed out, or I don't feel like maybe I don't have the desire to have sex. I'm not sure that I've ever really heard the conversation topic of like I don't have the desire to be intimate or like have like explore intimacy, but like to actually have sex, um, whether that's coming from the man or the woman, but I would also love to like maybe get your take on how women tend to have more of that or need more of that emotional connection. So, and I know for me, of course, when I'm super busy, like it's just not really the first thing on my mind. Um and it's yeah, it's it's been more difficult in the past, like with different partners, if they're not the ones that are kind of to initiate it when when I am in a very like stressful season or stretch of of my schedule.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, it's it's the point that I think is super important to bring up here is there is like what you're saying is so common, right? And it is tends to be more common for women that when women get overwhelmed and stressed, and that we like the way estrogen works in the brain is does not allow for the same level of compartmentalization that a testosterone-dominant brain has. So it is a lot easier for men, largely when they are busy and when they have a long to-do list, to be like, okay, to-do list here on the shelf, focus on my beautiful goddess walking across the kitchen. That is just so beautiful. And yes, I want to have sex with her. Like that, not saying that stress doesn't affect them too. It definitely can. And we can see things like um like erectile dysfunction happen for some men with stress. So it can definitely impact, but that kind of desire of I am interested, stress has tends to have a much less impact more commonly on men than women. And part of the reason for this is very commonly for men, desire happens first before arousal. And for women, arousal happens before desire. So since you are um loving to define things as I do, let's talk about what I mean by these words.
SPEAKER_00:Yes, please.
SPEAKER_01:So desire, when we're talking about desire, we're talking about of the mind. We're talking about arousal, we're talking about of the body. So I'll give you the male example and then I'll give you the female example. So the male example is wow, my babe is walking across the kitchen, she looks so beautiful. Oh, wow. I am kind of turned on. Okay, that's what he's thinking. That's in the mind, that is desire, desires of the mind. And then he has a, if everything's working correctly, a fast response of his blood to his penile tissue. He gets an erection. Now he's feeling his body. Now he's aroused. So the mind, the desire is happening before the body gets aroused. And so often with like things like desire mismatch, when you know, when somebody is overwhelmed, especially when the female is overwhelmed, one of the biggest problems is they and she are oftentimes waiting for the mind to kick on and say, I'm horny, I want you. But even in non-stressful times, more commonly for the woman, arousal kicks on first. It doesn't always, right? Women have a much more diverse way that they can actually kind of get turned on. But many times for women, the arousal happens first. And so this is like, well, I'm not in the mood. I have 17,000 things to do on my to-do list. Like, I can't even feel my body right now. Like, you know, like, are you kidding me? But this is where if he says something like, honey, go lay down, do some breath work. I'm gonna do the dishes, just go lay in bed and just relax. I'm gonna come up and I'm just gonna give you a massage. And now she's like getting it, she's breathing now she's getting a massage and it's going on, and she's just breathing and relaxing. And then all of a sudden, maybe he strokes his hand and it like goes over her butt. And all of a sudden, she might have this feeling of like, or this thought in her mind around like, oh wow, that actually feels kind of good. So, what's happening there is her body is getting aroused, and as her body is feeling the sensations, then the desire kicks on. And this can even go further sometimes for women. Like this is this has happened to me. Um, I am definitely a productivity woman, so I'm really glad I know this stuff. Because what can happen for a woman to even take it further is she starts to have sex and she's like not really that into it, but she's just like, I'm gonna show up and and do this. And you know, some minutes are going by, she's still not fully in her body, and then all of a sudden, actually, like she's realizing it like feels good, and that's when she's starting to get aroused. And then towards the end, she might even say something to him, like, that was actually really great. Why don't we do that more often? And that's like, because at that end, that desire is kind of that's when that desire's kicking in. So for women, especially when we are stressed out, oftentimes, and again, this is generalization, so there are exceptions, of course, but oftentimes, like if they're going to engage intimately, which actually can really help her with her stress, what she might need is 20, 30, 40 minutes of touch without any penetration, anything like that, to just help her drop into her body and actually let go of all that stuff and feel the sensations of her body, because she is not going to respond as quickly, especially since her desire map is very, very different than his.
SPEAKER_00:Hmm. That I've never actually heard that explained in that way. And that makes so much sense because I've done, I do a lot of somatic work in my business and obviously personally as well. And whenever I have consistently, even just a couple minutes a day tuned into my body, I find that like because pleasure, and I know that I'm sure you have a much more eloquent way to describe it, but um pleasure is not just like the feelings that you have during sex. So anytime that I've had a consistent somatic practice or like a way to drop into my body, I feel that I just feel more pleasure in different waves throughout the whole day. And that really makes sense, even how you just explain that of women have the arousal first and then the desire. I'm curious though, like every time, and this is just me kind of playing devil's advocate, but every time I hear somebody say, like, oh yeah, it might take like 20, 30, 40 minutes for a woman to get warmed up, as they might call it. Um I know that I've had conversations with males that are like, there's no way, like, like, oh, I everyone else that I've ever had sex with just like comes in like five minutes or like just comes from like five minutes of stimulation and then I can just stick it in. Or um, even with females too, like again, going back to when you're feeling really busy, when you're feeling really stressed, like, oh my god, 40 minutes just to get to the place where I might be able to climax, that's a big time commitment. What are some things that you kind of share and and exercise through there?
SPEAKER_01:Oh, I want I'm gonna say something and I might uh I might get a rise out of some of your audience members for what I'm gonna say. So I hope this is okay. Um honestly, so what we see also in sex studies is that only 18 to 30 percent of women can even orgasm vaginally only.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, right?
SPEAKER_01:Yeah so if women are saying they are orgasming in five minutes or less, I'm not saying it can't happen, but I am saying a lot of them are probably faking it. Wow, and and that's what is I know is gonna get some pushback. Yeah, but um, because I it is a hard thing for people to wrap their head around. But here's the thing this is also one of the reasons why so many women stop becoming interested in sex. And I was just interviewing a man on my podcast about this, you know, and from the male perspective, I asked him the same question, and he actually said the same thing that I do, which is that if you're finding that the woman is not as interested in sex and like why is it going away? It's because you do this enough times and she's actually not getting her needs met and she's not having these amazing orgasms. Like we even see research, like when a woman has really profound orgasms, the oxytocin goes up in her brain and the oxytocin goes up to a level that the brain actually says, I want more of that. But if she's faking the orgasms and she's not getting that level of oxytocin, she's not gonna come back and say, I want more of it because she's not having her brain changed that way. So I'm not, you know, it's like, yes, of course, women can get off with quickies. Of course, that can happen, right? I'm not gonna like say by any means that it doesn't, but we've been too long programmed by movies and porn. And a lot of women wind up faking it because one, they know their partner will feel like a more of a man if she gets off. And because we've seen so many movies that say we're supposed to get off in two to five minutes, that we think that if we don't, oftentimes people think there's something wrong with them and they don't want to admit that. So it's just like, well, okay, well, he's about done. Let's just wrap this up and move on. And so I do, I really, and I say this in my book too, uh, and you know, with grand apologies, because I know it will, you know, you know, definitely piss people off. But I'm okay with ruffling some feathers because my goal is to help people get closer. And we have to, it's like, we have to get over this. Hey, there's a a you know, three to five minute goal for this, because the way she's gonna come back and want it more and more is if it's like the one of the most profound things. And she's like, wow, this changes my life, right? This is making me a better human. This is making me more resilient, this is making me less stressed out, this is helping me think better, this is building my bones. Like we see that oxytocin for women prevents osteoporosis, it can help build our bones. So there's so many health benefits that she's missing out on by not actually, you know, getting to that point. And and so I think it's worth, you know, taking the risk. And I hope uh, you know, if you get any backlash, you can just direct it to me. Um I don't want it to be on you, but I but I do think it's just important to mention because I think there's so many men that are thinking that and really it's doing a disservice not only to women, but it's doing a disservice to them too, because they, if they want her coming back more and more, the thing to learn is to have like, you know, our clitoris, for example, like this is my clitoris picture. And so for those of you that are um listening and not watching, I encourage you to come back and watch the video so you can see this because we think of it as this little nub, right? Which is just that part that we can see, but it's like a wishbone. So it extends all the way down, like and runs um in our vulva in part uh just below our inner labia. And and so we're missing if we this is like some of the area that will turn a woman on the most, and oftentimes we're missing it because we're just so excited about intercourse and that penetration. So, in order to become a better lover, which is I'm, you know, what I'm interested in helping people do, we have to get around this penile, you know, only thing. I mean, you know, that's still great, you know, penile sex is still great, but it's really a lot broader than that. And um, the other thing with that is that when it comes to like, oh, okay, well, how do I have time for this? Which was the other part of your question, that's another reason to schedule it. You know, that's another reason to say, hey, one day a week, I am putting this on my schedule. We're blocking an hour and we are just taking it slow and we are just enjoying each other's bodies and we are just learning and we are deeply, I mean, that's really what making love is. And if a man's like, okay, well, how, you know, how long, how can I last that long? comes up a lot too. Like, how can I last that long? And the average man lasts about five minutes long. Um, but there are many techniques, some of which I teach on how to actually last longer, where it's very, very possible, and I know this sounds crazy to some men, but it's very possible to train your body to last 40 minutes, 50 minutes, 60 minutes. Um, and women can help with that too. Like we can help our men do that. And so it can last that long. And it's, you know, it's like calculated. There are times where it's like, okay, we're slowing it down, we're breathing, we're taking a break, we're relaxing, right? So it's not, we're not just like pushing straight to the finish line. But if we don't schedule it, you know, when it's 10 o'clock at night and we're throwing ourselves in bed or later and we got to get out up and you know, it feels like not that many hours and we're exhausted from our day, yeah, of course at that point, like we're not going to have sex like that. Like it's it's a lot easier to say, okay, well, it's 10 a.m. Saturday morning or it's 8 a.m. Saturday morning before kids get out of bed or five o'clock, you know, Friday night, have a babysitter come over and we're gonna spend an hour doing this before we go out, right? And and and doing that. And that's the benefit of scheduling it.
SPEAKER_00:I love that. And just another way to approach that scheduling feels like not fun or not spontaneous. And I also loved what you said about like we always used to, like in the beginning of the relationship, we're actually scheduling sex. I never thought about that perspective either. Yeah. Um, so let's get into your book a little bit. So, what I did, just so listeners kind of know, because it's gonna be maybe a little bit choppy, I don't know, maybe it'll be very eloquent. But um, I read your book and I just went through and kind of made some notes that really stood out to me. There's a quote that I want to read eventually. Um, but one of the beginning pieces of your book, you're talking, of course, about monogamy, and you have this really fun term called hot and modern monogamy. So I really want you To touch on that. But my question then was do you not agree with polygamy then? Like what are your stances on that? But first, please define what is hot and modern monogamy, because that sounds like a drink that I don't have.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, I mean, it's if we look at like traditional monogamy and how traditional monogamy is defined. So from a contrast perspective, traditional monogamy and the way it's talked about historically is all about structure. It's all about stability. It's all about both people having their place and their role so they can come together and basically work together to provide a stable and structured family unit and you know, division of jobs. You look back into like when monogamy is talked about historically, it doesn't say anything about passion. It is like monogamy and marriage and all of that is really just about how can we raise the kids, how can we both co-work to like, you know, raise the farm, do the house, whatever it was, and have a sustainable life. And that was the purpose of marriage, and that was the purpose of monogamy. And so I think there's beauty in that, right? I think there's beauty in um, you know, some of these values around, hey, let's work together, let's be teammates, let's, you know, co-create values, let's raise a family of beautiful beings. Like, so the idea of hot and modern monogamy is like, okay, let's take all of that, let's take the good parts and let's add on to it now, talking about keeping the relationship alive. So that looks at your emotional health and the emotional intimacy, that looks at the physical intimacy and that looks at the sexual intimacy and really looks at some of the things we're talking about today to say what is actually driving desire and to, you know, keeping that passion alive while we are also making sure that, you know, you're raising kids and doing anything that the couple might decide they want to do.
SPEAKER_00:I do, yeah. So one of the things that I have always said in my relationships, uh intimate relationships, is I want I like I want to be the one that is exploring all of your curiosities or desires or whatever you want to fetishes, kinks, whatever you want to call them, but even just like curiosities. Um, and I want you to be able to come to me and feel safe enough to express that desire because sometimes, again, depending on like the information that we consume, we think it's weird if like we do anything with our feet, or we think it's weird if we do something in the shower, whatever it is. Um, and that's been really important in in my relationships because I do really agree with the idea of like we can co-create this really fun and sexy and hot and modern uh relationship that when that's I feel my perspective is that when we don't feel that we can communicate with our partner and have those explorations at least considered or curiosities considered, that's one of the things that might lead to cheating. Um so how do we how do we build that foundation of honest communication? And you know, I'm imagining this hasn't necessarily really happened to me, but I'm I know that this has happened. Like I'm imagining like somebody has this like really maybe quote wild desire, and however you want to explore that in your mind, fill in the blank, and then they come to their partner, right? And like they're either laughed at or judged or like completely shut down. Um so how do we build that strong foundation of creating that safety around you can really come to me and and at least be heard?
SPEAKER_01:It doesn't mean that it has to happen, but yeah, it's a really important question, something I talk about in my work, in my book, and and I'm gonna go into it in a lot more detail in um this the first sequel, so part two of the book, um, which is what I call name it, don't shame it. And so the one of the biggest things I advise people if you're gonna share a fantasy, is to before you share it, have the first conversation should be something like, hey, I'm gonna share something with you about my inner world, my fantasy. And if you're not into it, that's okay. But if you don't like it, here's how I want you to respond. So we actually cut that off before it even happens by saying, Hey, if you don't like what I say, can you can you respond what with something like, you know, babe, I'm not really that interested, but I really love that your fantasy life is like so alive. I don't know if it works for me, but you know, can you tell me a little bit more about it? And you have to make it like agreed upon. It has to, that's an example, and that might not be the example that works for, you know, any specific couple. But as an example, it's like you talk about that ahead of time. So then the person that's listening knows if they're listening, they're listening from a point of curiosity. They are already given an out. It's very clear that they they know, like, hey, I'm not, I don't have to participate in this. And now they can just listen from a, oh, I'm just learning more about my partner, and this is how I need to respond in order to respect them. So that's usually how we want to do that. Um, I have a yes, no, maybe checklist on my website. It's I also mentioned in my book as well. It's at mysexdoc.com, which is a a kind of like a fantasy and novelty checklist where people can go through. And it's like kind of a nice intro to these conversations too, to be like, okay, you know, date night, let's do this checklist and let's sit. And like the whole idea of like the yes, no, maybes is to see where you have yeses that are like, wow, you could be into that, so could I. And to be, you know, also see like where you have maybes. Cause sometimes with certain fantasies, it's like, well, I don't know, but if the parameters were like X, Y, Z, then maybe I would be willing to explore that. And I also want to name that some fantasies really should exist in the fantasy world, right? I think it's a really important thing to realize that some things that seem hot in the mind and might be great for turning people on when they actually think when people actually say play them out in real life, it might not actually turn out to be what they think. Um, but that's usually the way to do it is to start with like a name it, don't shame it. Here's how we're gonna have this conversation. Here's how you can reply to me if you're not into this. And and you negotiate that ahead of time before you even share, you know, the fantasy.
SPEAKER_00:And is this how we, when we're kind of talking about creating sustainable monogamous relationships, is this one of the best ways to extend the longevity of our sex lives is is by exploring other things, like to kind of get out of that? Is it like to get out of a rut or to avoid the rut?
SPEAKER_01:Well, if it's to expand the sexual script, you know, the way the way I like to explain it is I use the analogy of playing a guitar a lot where it's like, okay, if somebody's learning guitar and they learn a D chord for the first time and they have it strumming just right where the chords sound beautiful and it's like sounds, it's really exciting. You can start a different strumming pattern and it feels like wow, I'm doing something. And then you throw in a G chord and then you throw in a C, and now you have three basic chords that a lot of songs are based upon, and you start feeling like, wow, there's so much I can do, and I can do all these different things. But if that person, you know, that was really excited about mastering these three chores and a few strumming patterns, and while there's so much excitement about that in the beginning, if they basically that's like the same thing, they're the same way they're playing a guitar 20, 30, 40 years later, it's gonna lose kind of its thrill, right? So what do we do? We're expand and we say, okay, well, I'm gonna learn different chords, I'm gonna learn minor chords, I'm gonna learn bar chords, I'm gonna learn some finger picking, and we expand, you know, the way we are interacting with this instrument. And so the same thing happens as like we're creatures of habit, you know, it's like we are destined to the sexual script, which is I kiss you this way, you kiss me that way, I do this act, you do that act, we do this position, that position. And every couple left to their own devices generally goes into this, and they might have two or three sexual scripts, you know, DCG, and they just do them on repeat. So part of keeping it hot and part of hot and not a monogamy is a level of exploration to say, how do we bring in novelty in a way that is both of our agreements, that works for both of us, that, you know, is something we're talking about in advance and is safe for both people and is not pushing an edge beyond what feels good to both people, but still allows for some level of novelty and excitement to just get people out of the C, the D, and the G.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, I love that. So this is going back a little bit more to um exploring intimacy and not just having to jump right into the act of like penetrative sex. Um, but you talk a lot about in your book uh the experience of practicing mindfulness during sex and intimacy. Can you explain that and then share a little bit of your experience with that?
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, I mean, you already kind of set us up well for this answer with what you were saying about just kind of um going through it the day and and experiencing pleasure and other things. So pleasure is that the practice of pleasure is directly connected to the practice of being present. And so if I'm, you know, the easy answer example for people to understand is food, right? So if we're sitting down and let's say we're driving and eating, and we're rushed to our meeting and there's traffic and there's stoplights and we're just trying to eat as fast as we can, and like all of a sudden the food's gone and we're on with our day. You know, oftentimes people, that's like the example of like, I don't even remember eating. Like it's like people like, you know, sit down and do this, they look at their plate, and I've done it, I get this. And it's like, where'd my food go? Right. It's not mindful eating. And so there's no, there's not like the pleasure in that. That's not a pleasure-filled experience. But if I and so sex is the same way, like it is literally impossible to have an orgasm. In fact, a great way for a man to last longer, and a technique that a lot of men have taught me when I've interviewed them, um, that last a long time is to change the focus. So it's like, okay, like, you know, you're so hot, you're so hot, you're so hot, and like getting closer, and then you change the focus to something that is like, I'm gonna stare at that picture over there for a second and like break state, right? Um, and so that's like one thing that can help a man last longer, right? Because the practice of pleasure is connected to the packed practice of presence. So we go outside, you know, the present moment, and all of a sudden the pleasure drops and and men can sustain longer. And so the idea with sex is like if the mind is constantly wandering to the list, to the jobs, like, you know, sometimes when I've done live events and I ask, you know, people to, you know, raise their hand or type in the chat if they've um ever uh thought about the grocery list during sex and like the large amount of people, right? It is, and it's like, and so it's important to like realize that this is normal, right? And that the whole practice of this is just like just like meditation. It's like like people when I've like taught, I actually have a certificate in meditation. I've meditated for many, many, many years. And when we're, you know, people will will um say to me when I've taught meditation things like, well, I can't meditate. And it's like, well, why? And they'll say, like, well, because my mind wanders. And then the question is like, do you notice your mind wandering? And they're like, Yeah. And if you're noticing your mind wandering, you're actually meditating because the practice is noticing. And even if it takes you five minutes, 10 minutes, 20 minutes, and like, oh wow, my mind's wandering. Okay, back to my breath. And the same thing's true with sex. It's like, oh, it's like, okay, it's just a practice of presence as a mindfulness activity. So the mind wanders and it's thinking about the list. Okay, I'm gonna actively notice that. As soon as I notice it, I'm gonna come back and just feel my partner's touch. And the more we do that, the more we actually are attuned to our body and the faster we get back and the less, I mean, our mind wanders. But it's in my my mind, it's like the best mindfulness-based activity because you can't enjoy pleasure. You can't enjoy that meal, that chocolate cake, sex, any of it if you're not present.
SPEAKER_00:Hmm. I have such a random question, but I've always thought about this when we're talking about presence because again, I I I deeply study and resonate being in the present moment and mindfulness and all of this stuff. So when we are having sex andor masturbating, and we are fantasizing or like thinking back to a really hot like sex encounter that you had, or you're fantasizing something else when you're experiencing that pleasure. To me, I'm like, is this bad? Because I'm not in the present moment anymore, technically, because I'm back in my mind and I'm thinking about that thing or that encounter. So, what are your thoughts on that?
SPEAKER_01:My thoughts is it's not totally black and white. You know, there's definitely moments where we're making love. And if like we're making love and all of a sudden a flashback is going like all of a sudden to or with our current partner to another time, it's like, oh, that was beautiful. Like that can actually be like we're still kind of in the moment with that person, right? So that's very, very different than being like, I'm thinking about the grocery list. And you know, this is my opinion, right? This is like, this is it's not like there's a scientific rule on what's right or wrong. So I just want to name that this is like my opinion around like, like some of how I I base my opinion on this is this making the moment and my connection with my partner? Am I is it bringing my heart, is it bringing my connection deeper with my partner, or is it actually taking me out of the present moment? And that I like that to me is one of like the biggest distinctions. And it's like, oh, a flash of like a memory of like this other moment with my partner comes in my mind while we're making love. And it's like, oh man, like this is he's so sexy and like and like all these things, and it's making me like like want him even more, right? That's beautiful in my mind. But if it's like one of those things where it's like now I'm out in la la land and I'm disconnected from him, that to me is a different thing. So, you know, I think we all have to come up with like our own value system here and like what is important to us. But from my value system and like what I really like to teach is that like any of this, because my work is really how can we be closer together? How can we grow closer on our love, our intimacy, and all of that? And if I'm checking out and being like, okay, well, I'm not even present, I'm not even like focused on him, then that to me is like a disconnect versus if it's you know, if it's bringing us closer, then it's like, oh, that's the that's actually the connection.
SPEAKER_00:That's beautiful. Thank you.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:So I have a I have a quote from the book that um really again just ties back into that intimacy and um and and exploring other ways to be intimate besides just again, I guess the the penetrative sex. So um page 44, if anyone has the book or is getting the book, uh, this is very interesting information to me because there's a belief oftentimes that foreplay is more important to females. While females do need more time for arousal, as we talked about. Um, most men get the oxytocin released during this foreplay stage. Therefore, the use of this chemical for health and stress reduction is obtained more during foreplay than orgasm for men. Foreplay is something that is great for both women and men. So interesting. I had never heard that before. I have heard some fun facts about like yeah, chemicals being released at different times for men and women, but that that men have more oxytocin released during foreplay. So are do women have more oxytocin released during the orgasm, like we talked about before?
SPEAKER_01:Correct. Yeah, yeah. Men actually during orgasm, they have a lot more of a chemical vasopressin release. Vasopressin also releases for men when they do like they conquer things together. So, like that's like thought to be one of the things in like team sports for men, like the bonding might be also like a vasopressin bond, but they they do get some oxytocin, but they have a huge amount of vasopressin released at orgasm. Yeah. And the other thing that's so interesting about foreplay that you probably saw in there is that that, you know, with like what you said, where it's like thought that women want it longer, that's also a myth according to surveys. Like when surveys are done around for men and women around how much they like how long they actually want foreplay, it's about 17 to 19 minutes for both genders. So we're actually more overlap there than we think. But I think this is another example of like, you know, I think there's a lot of assumptions that we make because of movies and these sorts of things around like, oh, we got to move it along quicker, got to move it along quicker. And I think sometimes, and I've seen this in my own life, like historically before I know what I know now, of like feeling like I should rush it because we got to get to the big act, and he's probably not that interested. And every person's different, right? And so this is not gonna speak to every person, but in at least the the research on this, men most typically want to very simply also love this part of it, and it might be the oxytocin and the bonding component as a reason for it.
SPEAKER_00:Hmm. So interesting. Yeah, and I and I definitely have met both sides of the coin of people that have really enjoyed and really enjoy the four play stage, and then men who seem to, yeah, just want want the five minutes of it.
SPEAKER_01:Right, exactly. And and women too, right? And so all of this is like, you know, all of these are commonalities and generalizations that I use for teaching purpose. But the most important thing, and if people are gonna get one thing out of this, you know, this interview and one thing out of my book, I think the most important thing really is your relationship is unique. And like talking to your partner about sex and about foreplay and about your rules of you know, fantasy and and flirting and whatever it is, like like all your needs, wants, preferences, and desires are unique. So I tell you averages just to give you a sense, but in in like the actuality, this is why that communication is so important because we can have averages at all we want, and nobody's gonna fall in the average with all the things. And, you know, and also just to name real fast, just because I I don't want to piss off your audience, you know, when I talk about the faking it thing, I do want to name that I'm not saying that to like make anybody feel bad. Like, like I'm not saying that every person has ever done this by any means. All I'm saying when I bring that up is just trying to bring awareness to help um both men and women understand like how much benefit it is to put this time in and how much it benefits the woman and how much of the time she will actually come back and be more interested in sex and more interested in intimacy, which benefits both people. But if this is something that has happened to anybody, you know, there's ever, but if you've ever faked it, if somebody has ever faked it for you, I do not want anybody to feel any shame around this because it is not anybody doing anything wrong. Like it is simply that we are not talking about this. And so people don't know. So I just want to come back to that too to say, like, whatever we're saying here, another message is like, please don't feel shame about anything around this. Like the biggest thing is like, hey, get the knowledge and learn how to improve and grow and have better sex and be more communicative with your partner, be better lovers. But just know that anywhere you are working with, you were working with the knowledge you have. And sadly, this is just not a common place to talk about. So, how does anybody know that it's supposed to be any different? Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, and that's really, I think that's the the huge invitation here. One of the things that has been the most beneficial for me, and that's just, you know, again, like my opinion, my experience is is sharing that. Like, because I have been met in the past of like, oh, like the all of the people that I've been with in the past, like they've come this way or they've come in this amount of time. And and I talked about this on the last podcast that I had with with a sex therapist. I touched on it, but um, of course, that first of all creates a lot of shame in yourself. So that's hard, but that's that's somebody else saying it to you. You don't have control of that. What you do have control of, and what's really supported me in this whole process is saying, okay, well, that's them. Like that, it doesn't even matter. Those are the those are the past people that you've been with. Everyone is different, just like everyone has different hair and everyone has a different body type. Like, I just don't, whatever, like I don't finish that way, I don't enjoy it that way, or whatever it is, like that's just not me. And now our invitation is to learn each other, not necessarily like, okay, cool that we all have this past experience that we come in with, which is awesome. But that's been really supportive for me in kind of breaking that um that shame or that judgment. And yeah, I mean, exactly with the with the faking it, like you don't know what you don't know. And that's why I love having these conversations because again, in my past too, and I think we kind of have a similar because you were you were raised Catholic, right?
SPEAKER_01:I was, yeah.
SPEAKER_00:Okay, so we have a little bit of a similar background where I I grew up around a lot of Catholicism and like same thing, like it's just not talked about, it's and it's shamed, and uh the answer is just not to have sex at all, and instead of like talking about it, and so that's definitely why I I love having these conversations is to again, like you said, not share these um norms and and have the expectation of like, okay, it's been past 19 minutes. I have to like get off this foreplay. Like it's not these parameters, it's just sharing kind of what the research has shown, and then you have the opportunity to explore what feels good to you and what feels good within your partnership and your relationship. So thank you for all of that. Um very, very well said. Oh yeah, no, I think it's really important. It's it's important to like reiterate and then reiterate again.
SPEAKER_01:It is, it is, it's true.
SPEAKER_00:So I have I have a last question, but before I have the last question, um, of course, please share where people can connect with you, where people can get your book. At the time this comes out, your book has already been released. I'm anticipating. So um actually, okay, so you're listening to it, her book's already come out. Um so where can we get your book? And honestly, it was a very fun read for me. I actually, despite all of the conversations I have about sex, I don't read books about sex often. Um, so it's not like I have, you know, like this entire pedigree, but it was really fun and easy and lighthearted and like a lot of fun invitations. So highly recommend reading the book. Um, but where can listeners also connect with you and find your other fun content?
SPEAKER_01:Thank you, Hannah. And thank you so much for the endorsement. I really appreciate it. It was really my goal, and that is continually my goal is like having these conversations without shame, right? And bringing bringing pleasure in with joy and with ease and um and working together, getting back on the same team. So if you go to wanttowantit.com, that is where you can find my book. And um, it is on Amazon, but wanttowant.com is where you'll find all the information and the goodies about it. And then I mentioned the vibrator about uh about orgasms, about orgasm tracking. That's called the lioness. And I mentioned my um my yes, no, maybe checklist. Um, I have other free giveaways. Like in the book, I talk a lot about hormones, for example. And so I have a free libido quiz where people can uh take this quiz and get a sense of the root causes of their low libido as well as action steps. Like in my book and all my work, I'm very into action steps because nothing changes with that action. So the easiest place I have like, you know, information on products I recommend, plus a ton of free downloadable content for people. And so you can find that at havehotsex.com. So two easy URLs to remember wanttowantit.com and havehotsex.com.
SPEAKER_00:Love it, love it. And all of those links will of course be in the bottom description below as well. So, last question, you and I were talking. Um, you've been on kind of this PR trip the past couple weeks or months, and obviously talking about your book that is now released and having a lot of fun conversations. So I'm curious if you can and take your time kind of reflecting, but is there one question or one topic that you wish that some of these podcast guests would have or podcast hosts would have asked you and coming kind of towards the end of your of your trip? Um, what's one thing that you're like, man, I wish somebody asked me this? That would be fun to talk about.
SPEAKER_01:That is such a great question. Um you know, I think I think in my mind the question is like, okay, how personal, because like there's definitely topics I'm like, that'd be personal to like fun to talk about, but I also have agreements with my partner about what I say about our personal life. Yeah. So maybe I'll leave that out. Um you know, one of one of the things that I think is would be a really cool question of like of any novel thing out there, what is my personal favorite? And surprisingly, nobody has asked me that. And like that is a little bit personal, but it doesn't go too personal. So um I can answer that. And that is this crazy device. Um, this is, I think, the most genius thing on the market. I'm gonna show you guys. So this is called the Luxus. I also have it on the um have hot sex website, and I have coupon codes for a lot of these things I talk about. But what it is, it's this um, it's this tiny little, you can see how slim it is. This part goes on the clitoris, and this is like a harness. So there's one for each side, so it goes on the legs. And so this is a vibrator, and you can see how it's like curved right here, so it like matches the body. But then men wear this cock ring, and this cock ring has a magnet in it. So she has a vibrator, it works in like every position, which is super hard. Um, because oftentimes, if you're bringing a sex toy and it's like, how do you hold it and how do you do this and how do you navigate it? This stays where you want, and because it's so sleek and because it matches her own body's pelvis, he can lay on her and she can move into any position and it's comfortable. And this thing that's a cock ring, not only does it make him harder, last longer, all of that, it has a magnet in it, and the magnet connects to her part. And when he moves closer to her, it and he goes faster, it actually makes this vibrate more. So he has a way with his thrusting that he can actually control a different level of pleasure. So it's just like he gets to stay in this immense amount of control. Now she gets all of this extra excitement. Now they're still having penetrative sex, but she gets all of these 8,000 nerve endings starting to wake up that take on the clitoris. And then they can do all of these other positions. It's like it eliminates so many things like bringing in the clitoris, the orgasm gap where it's like, how do we get closer to climaxing in the more similar time? Um, you know, positions that work with this. It is just, I just think this is the most genius toy ever. The company took um almost 10 years to develop this. They did so many trials to get it right. And um, and I'm just so I just think it's the best novelty toy ever. I am a huge fan.
SPEAKER_00:I'm that sounds so fun. I I mean it, yeah, it sounds like it would eliminate so many complications of like trying to hold like a finger vibrator or something when even like I've well I think I can share this. This is a past partner. Um, like a cochrane that like has the vibrator on it, but then it's like sometimes you're just not getting stimulated, sometimes like it's too much for them. Yeah, it sounds exactly interesting.
SPEAKER_01:Cause they're not getting vibrated much with that, because that is the problem. Like men don't always like that vibration, but they get to have the cockery and vibrate you. But since it's just a magnet on theirs, they might feel like the tiniest little vibration when they get close to you, but it's extremely minimal. And so they're not getting all the vibration, you know, on their penis, which, you know, if you want that, you can go and get a toy for that, of course. But a lot of men I find that are like way less interested in that. And so that's a way that it can work for both people.
SPEAKER_00:Thank you for sharing that. And then sharing also, of course, in the beginning, the app and tracking all of that. And of course, I'll link that below. And I'm I'm sure it's you said it's on your website too. But it's so interesting too. I mean, I feel like we could have a whole nother podcast just talking about toys or or novelty items, like you said, because we should, because I went to, I was in New York last weekend and I went to the Museum of Sex. And it's actually a very, very cool museum, and it's not all about sex toys. But of course, in the beginning, their gift, um, their gift room is like all of these sex toys. And some of them, I mean, some of them, most of them are just the boring ones, but some of them I'm like, oh, I didn't even know there was like a sex toy like that. So again, one of those things that we just don't talk about and we don't explore. And even like, I mean, I've been on like Adam and Eve or like those sex toys things, and like I've never seen anything like that. Not that I've done a ton of research, but how do you find these things? Yeah, maybe we should have another. Yeah, yeah, that would be really fun, I think, because it's again, and also kind of breaking down those barriers of of um shame and guilt around using a toy. I I think that's a whole nother conversation.
SPEAKER_01:So exactly. Exactly.
SPEAKER_00:Well, we'll leave that as a little teaser. TBD to uh to TBC to we continued. I don't know what that acronym is. Um yeah, more to come. I think that would be really cool to talk about. But thank you so much for coming on the podcast. This is a really fun conversation. Thank you for all of the beautiful work that you're doing in this world and to improve relationships. And you're just such a fun and easy person to talk to, too. So I really appreciate you.
SPEAKER_01:Oh, same, Hannah. Thank you. Thank you for the vulnerability of this topic and having me. And thank you, everybody, for listening with such open hearts. I appreciate you all.