Regulating an ADHD Brain: Jenna Free on Dysregulation, Disordered Eating, and Finding Balance

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Megs welcomes ADHD therapist and coach Jenna Free to discuss dealing with ADHD by regulating and balancing your life. Jenna talks about her own diagnosis and how she uses her experience to help others manage their ADHD. Key points include the importance of understanding dysregulation, how ADHD and disordered eating are connected, and how to live a more present, sustainable, and enjoyable life. Jenna shares practical tips on how to notice signs of dysregulation, slow down, and regulate your mind and body. Tune in for insightful conversations, personal stories, and helpful strategies to make living with ADHD a little easier.

01:15 Jenna's Journey with ADHD

01:29 Connecting ADHD and Disordered Eating

07:13 The ADHD Flow Framework

07:44 Balancing Life with ADHD

09:21 Understanding Dysregulation

11:05 Practical Tips for Self-Regulation

16:23 The Importance of Being Present

20:33 Rethinking Productivity and Success

23:28 The Importance of Taking Breaks

25:06 Mindful Organization and Regulation

27:50 In-the-Moment Regulation Techniques

30:34 Handling Dysregulation and Compulsive Behaviors

36:52 Building Regulation Skills Over Time

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Transcript

0:42

Hey, beautiful people. It's Megs and welcome back to organizing an A DHD Brain as I get ready to launch season three this September, I wanted to revisit a few episodes that still hold so much truth, whether it's your first time hearing them or they're coming back to meet you in a new way. They're worth another. Listen, this next season is all about the messy middle, where your brain still wants to do it all or nothing at all, and you're learning how to take one small step. Anyway, I've been in it too, letting go rebuilding, figuring out exactly what works for my brain, and you don't have to do it like I did, but you can do it with awkward steps, with emotion, and with way more grace than you're probably giving yourself. So let this episode be a reminder. You don't have to be fully unburied to move forward. You're allowed to want more joy and you're absolutely capable of creating change right where you are. Let's jump in.

Megs: 1:39

I am here with Jenna. I am so excited. She is an ADHD therapist and coach, and I found her on Instagram because her incredible videos resonated with me so much. so Jenna, tell us a little bit about you. Tell us about the work you do. Yes. Hello. I am someone who was diagnosed with ADHD in adulthood. I think as many people are these days. And when that happened, I went, Oh, okay. Yes. It's all making sense now. So it was a long journey to get here through life. I used to actually be a coach for intuitive eating and disordered eating, which I now know is so intertwined with ADHD. And the way we think and how things can play out. So I actually coached around that for seven years and repaired my own relationship with restriction and binge eating and disordered eating. And so that was a beautiful healing process. And then when I got diagnosed with ADHD, why I see ADHD differently and why I teach in a kind of a little bit of a different way, that's usually the comment I get is no one's talking about it in this way is because I see the parallels of disordered eating and our relationship with food is how the same thing with our brain. Like for instance, oh yeah, if you restrict you're going to binge. If you're in a frantic, intense state, you're going to crash. Like it's just, humans are very predictable. So we're, our brains are always on these, we're functioning from these cycles. So if we go too far one way, we're going to have an opposite reaction the other way. And so I've seen both with eating, like intuitive eating is very allow all foods, find balance. Yes, you want to eat well, but you. Also need to allow some dessert or else you're going to binge. And so it's the same with functioning with ADHD is we can't get too ramped up or else we're going to crash. So how do we find that balance and flow and way of living in this sustainable and enjoyable way? And I think where sometimes we've gotten tripped up or the mainstream messaging around ADHD isn't quite there yet. Cause I, I find the overall, not everybody, of course, but the overall energy is like work harder, do these hacks, use these timers. Okay. Set a timer and then work really hard for 15 minutes and then see how much you can get done and gamify it. And it's a very I'd say it was very like masculine, like intense energy around ADHD and how to cope with it, where my history has made me see that's like actually taking our foot off the gas pedal, slowing down a little bit, regulating. That's a lot of the work I do. Working on our flexible thinking and this gentleness actually then lets the brain open up to be more productive, but we're losing that message and everyone's trying so hard and it's just making it even harder. one video that I watched. you talked about giving up social media and how annoyed you were at what a difference it was making in your life. it resonated with me so much because that is such a thing that I struggle with. And at the same time. I also know how incredible it can be. Your words are beautiful. And the work that you're doing is really incredible. Can you tell us a little bit about your journey on when you were diagnosed, what that was like and. How you got to the space that you're in now? Sure. So it's after I had kids, when I really felt my, it was more and more obvious okay yeah, something's different. Something is up here, something is the word I had at the time something's wrong. And as I researched, I'm like, I think it's ADHD, which seemed weird to me because I am a, high achieving, outwardly appearing, successful person. And that's not the messaging we hear about ADHD. I was always a calm, girl, only child goody. What are you talking about? How could I have ADHD? I wasn't running around. I was never disruptive. I was always doing well in school. But now that I see how I actually did a lot of like strategies. And coping subconsciously to do all of that. But after I had kids, that's when it really got to the point of okay this is different. I'm functioning differently than other people function. Why is this happening? So for about two years, I was like, to my parents specifically I think I have ADHD. And, of course, they don't know what that is. Looks like especially in women, they're like, no, you're crazy. No, you don't, you do so well in life. But then eventually I was actually in grad school to become a therapist. And as a parent of two at that point, I was like, okay, I am not doing well. I am struggling hard. So I really want to go get an assessment. So it was very privileged. My parents helped me pay for it because it was a very expensive. Now I know some more affordable options, but and I got the, yes, you have ADHD and it was just like, thank God it wasn't that I know it's something is going on. So that was really great. It was just a nice thing to know. Okay. I am not. just individually weird. There's a reason for it. It's not a personal failing. I'm not just quirky. Like I think in a different way. And I always knew that, but now I just enjoyed having a solid thing to point that to understand why. And then as I was in grad school to become a therapist, I of course was like ADHD is very relevant to me. So I want to learn and research and take courses and do as much as possible so I can work with people with ADHD, because I'm a big fan of working with someone who experiences what you're going through. Similar to when I was working with disordered eating, I had that connection with my clients of. I've been there and I know, so then I started researching and I also saw that nobody knows what to do with us. Every course I took was like timers, calendars, this is all you have to teach me to help people, but okay. So then I started working with people and then after, hundreds of hours of working with ADHDers one on one, I started making the connection of how this cycle of being dysregulated in this frantic state and crashing is the core of our struggle. That if we're not dealing with that timers, calendars, little doodads we're not going to break through enough to make a lifelong difference. Those tools can be very valuable and useful. But it can't be everything. And so then that's how I developed the framework I use now, which I don't know really has a name. I call it ADHD flow, but it's really focusing on regulation and balancing everything. Our thinking, our schedules, our nervous systems. And finding the sustainable and enjoyable way to live. It's just like a way that you can live forever instead of feeling like you're always hanging by a thread or white knuckling it or always trying to play catch up. we can't do that forever. It's too tiring. Oh my gosh. Absolutely. How old are your kids, by the way? Four and five boys. They are absolute terrors in the best of ways. That's awesome. Mine are five and seven and I have two girls. So I feel like that's a different vibe. It's totally different. I don't know that I would know what to do with boys, but likewise, right? Yeah, exactly. it was interesting because I never understood the correlation between eating disorders and ADHD until more recently. And I've struggled with food my entire life. And it wasn't until, I think it was two years ago now, I have to do, math in my head. But I had bariatric surgery and I lost 120 pounds. And I thought that was going to fix everything. I just thought, I'm like, okay, once I lose weight, Everything will be fine, except that there was so much work and I was meeting with a therapist, but there was so much work that I still hadn't done up here that I had to work through. And I'm still working through to this day. So coming back to the self regulation, what's one of the first pieces of advice? You give to people with ADHD to work on their self regulation? So curious. Yes. I typically work in groups now. So I mostly work in groups of seven people. So it's more of a, Teaching kind of the concepts, but then, of course, I ask everybody, how does this relate to you? Do you connect with this? How do you see this play out in your own life? I've never had someone say I do not relate to this. So it's inherent. it's part of all of us with ADHD, I think, but I always explain first what's happening. So I wish I could show the image right now, but I do have a flow image. Maybe we can put it in the notes or something where people could look at it. But there's like a little top layer where the ADHD brain when left unattended, as I call it. lives in one of two places. So we have this little top layer at the very top of the page and it has things like overwhelm, paralysis, frantic energy, rushing masking now I've got to use my working memory here. What else is up there? Just all of that stuff that we experience that is very intense. It's Oh my God, I have so much to do and I'm so overwhelmed and how am I going to get it all done? So you have that spot. It could also be internal though. We can be in paralysis laying down for three hours and scrolling, but it's still that mental rumination and intensity and swirling. And then we can't sprint forever and then we crash. So then at the bottom, there's a little spot where it's low dopamine, exhaustion. It's just I can't even care anymore. Totally checked out and just that exhausted state, that kind of burnout. And then what the ADHD brain does, it loops around and around from one to the other. We ping pong in these extremes and it keeps going because, of course, then we are exhausted for a few days, don't get much done, finally have some energy, and then we feel like I gotta do it all right now because what if I crash again? But it's like a self fulfilling prophecy. Of course, if we go in really hard and intense, we will crash again. It's the high that creates the low, whereas we're not making that connection and we're just seeing, oh, I crash or I'm lazy or I, so the second I feel any motivation to do anything, I have to go 125%. at it. But then that intensity creates the crash. So here we go round and round. So even understanding that is a great first step. And then the second step would be even just identifying dysregulation in the moment. Can you tell when you're in that state? Because if you can't, how can we disrupt it at all? the physical signs would be, any physical signs of anxiety, heart racing, tense muscles, rushing. I love that one because it's very physical. You can see yourself doing it, right? Are you running around your house trying to get things done? Are you walking at a reasonable pace being present with each task? Or are you running? Oh my God, I gotta do this. Now I gotta do this. Oh, I gotta take the garbage out. If we're in that state, we are dysregulated. And then the mental part of it is rumination overwhelm negative self talk, masking. So all of those things. can also be dysregulation, doesn't always have to be physical. all of that is fight or flight. So that dysregulation, fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. So like flight, it's like when we're running around, fight, we can have emotional dysregulation, that comes up and we're short or snippy or angry. And then flight or freeze, obviously paralysis and then fawn, which is that masking piece that people pleasing piece that, Oh my gosh, if I make sure everyone else is okay and no one's mad at me, then I'll be all right. Because when we're in fight or flight, your body doesn't know if you have lots of emails to write and you have a long to do list or if you're getting chased by a bear. Of course, if you're functioning in a place where you feel like you're in danger all the time, which you might not consciously think you're in danger, but your body is functioning in that way. Of course it's exhausting. Is so exhausting. So then you will crash and you will be exhausted and you will feel like you're just, running on this treadmill, trying to catch up all the time. Cause then you crash. It's such a vicious cycle. So it's a great spot to start to be like, wow, in the moment can identify when I'm dysregulated. And the one thing I hear on like session two of our groups is Oh, I'm a lot more dysregulated than I thought. All day, every day, I'm just in this state of heightened intensity. And my brain's going a mile a minute, and that's the first place to start. It's we have to see it to then work on it. I like taking a step back first and acknowledging that you need to acknowledge what's going on first before you accept the help or start doing any kind of work just based on listening to videos or doing this or that. Just acknowledge that you need something more than what's happening right now and start absorbing. What's happening. So I like that that's the way you approach it because one thing I've noticed with people I talked to with ADHD or even just seeing videos or memes or things like that is that people might know that they have ADHD. But now they just think it's a thing that they have to deal with or they're working against their brain almost 24 7 what kind of transformations have you seen with people acknowledging their dysregulation yeah, that's a great point. I do get a lot of comments on my posts about that's just how I work. I have to work frantically. That's the only time I get anything done. I'm like, yeah, that's the problem. I get it. I so get it. We attach to this frantic dysregulation that feels like productivity. So part of the work I also do with people is detaching this idea of like frantic intensity, feeling like I'm going to scream. That means I'm doing enough because it can be easier, but we don't allow it to, because then we feel lazy. We feel like this day felt pretty nice. I must not have accomplished enough because we all have all these belief systems too, but so that being said, yes, we have to accept or see a glimmer of oh, maybe it can be different. I think that has to come first. But I was just talking to someone today who is doing their PhD, their thesis, two years, wrote nothing. We work together in four months, she's done. That's how cool it is. And there's no accountability coaching where it's okay, get this many pages down. We didn't even talk about that. We just talked about how are you going to be regulated? Are you enjoying this process of writing? What is overwhelming for you? What is stopping you? What is getting in the way? And then we work on the overwhelm. We work on the regulation. We work on this whole concept of life is meant to be enjoyed, not endured. just because you're writing your PhD, your life has to be hell? No, are you enjoying the day to day process of this? And we do all that work and now I'm doing my three week study to defend it because I'm done. I've handed it in. Oh, that's so amazing because I don't know if this is everyone or with ADHD, but oftentimes I find myself just constantly thinking about what's next. And especially when I worked in the corporate world, I was like, Oh, I will be happy once I do this or once I do this. And through a lot of yoga and mindfulness and manifestation practices. I've found myself practicing, focusing on the present. And I say practicing because I'm not always good at it, but like literally taking myself out of that future and saying, wow, what is really good in this moment? And how can I be present for that? Do you do any work with that, too? Regulation is being present, right? Regulation, to me, being regulated, is I am here, present, in the thing I am currently doing, and everything's fine. I'm inherently safe, everything's okay, got laundry to do, that's okay, it doesn't distract me from talking to you on this podcast, because I'm here. That's for later. It's this idea of being able to be present and not in this hypervigilant state. Oh my god, I have this to do, and later I have to do this, and then I gotta go do that, and then, oh my gosh, how am I gonna pick up my kids at four, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I'm just here. And that's what a regulated brain can do is it can be present with the task at hand, and enjoy the process instead of being so hyper focused on okay, what's next, and we're not enjoying any of it. And this energy of trying to get anything over with to me is a huge red flag of dysregulation, I've been doing this for a while so I'm at the point where I'm at the dentist and I'm laying down and I'm like, Nope. Be present. Yeah, this rushing to get things over with dysregulates us so bad. It brings all the anxiety up. Okay. Now I'm in this frantic state of trying to get things over with and oh my God, you're going to crash. So it's like, how can I just be present when I'm washing the dishes? Just be here. We're not trying to get over it. This is part of life. This is in itself just important as a moment as you, going on vacation, it's all to be experienced and enjoyed as much as possible. But that's very different messaging, than typical ADHD work, which is just like productivity. How can we get more done? Hammer it out. That's going to close the ADHD brain down even more. The brain's like, no thank you! That sounds boring and hard. Whereas if we start creating a life and say, wow, I'm just present for each moment. Oh, I'm waking up, I'm having my coffee. Okay, now I'm doing this. Oh my gosh, the brain's like, okay I'm open to that. That sounds fine. I'll go make a coffee. That sounds fun. Instead of after I make my coffee, then I have to do this and I have to do that. So I'm just going to lay in bed instead. And that's some other feedback I've had recently is one client in a group was saying, Oh, I'm happy to wake up in the morning because I have a slower morning. That's not just torturous the whole day. I'm not dreading the day. So I'm more. able to wake up when my alarm goes off. So people will ask me like, how do I wake up earlier in the morning? I'm like, I know you want some sort of like alarm hack, but if you get regulated and start enjoying your life more, you'll want to wake up more. the overwhelm and the stress of life has us making it hard to wake up. Not necessarily like we need more sleep. Sometimes we do because ADHDers do need more sleep than others, but it's very rooted in dysregulation. It's funny that you say that because when I was a kid and younger, I would procrastinate getting up and it wasn't as if I was sleeping. I would wake up and I'd be like, not yet. And I would, force myself to just close my eyes again. And now I wake up at 5am. And if I don't. I don't feel like I have the best day. Because getting up at 5 a. m. allows me to do it slowly. Yeah. And I think a lot of what you say is culturally significant. Because we have a hustle culture that we're living in. That's one of the reasons why I left the corporate world is because I knew that the more that I would grow, the more I'd have to work and put myself out there. Or even feel like I needed to. And so now taking a step back, working on my own business. I am Working so hard on figuring out how do I have a balance where I'm working and I'm doing something that is purposeful in my life, but I can also be present with my children I feel like there's a shift happening and it's not as fast as I would like it to be happening, but I do feel like more and more people are looking to see what are these life hacks that just make life more purposeful and worth living the best life out there where we're thriving and not just working every day and having two days off. my daughter says, I just feel like it's so unfair that we have to go to school five days a week and we only get two days off. And I'm like, girl, preach. I get it. Absolutely. Yes. But even in that, okay, so say you have a nine to five, you can't afford to not. If you are regulated, prioritizing enjoyment, slowing down, I highly recommend people look at their work contract. What are your hours contracted for? Because ADHDers work so many extra hours feeling like we're inadequate and we have to make up for it. They're not taking lunch breaks, but then your brain's going to take a break anyway and you're going to be scrolling for an hour and a half. Where you could have just taken your lunch hour. So there's a lot we can do in whatever your current situation is. You don't have to quit your job and become an entrepreneur. You don't have to do any of that. Cause that can be way worse. I was a coach for seven years prior to this work I'm doing. And that was while I was dysregulated and not diagnosed. I definitely brought that into my life 24 seven. So that's not necessarily the answer. But if you are a regulated worker. you'll be fine. It's just simply being present with each task at hand, not allowing yourself to be a frantic. Person that's like a chicken running around with their head cut off. yes, your coworkers might be that, but is that helping anything? No, I have seen as a regulated person in the past couple of years of business, I have been more successful working slowly and more thoughtfully and mindfully and less honestly than I ever was when I was running around, thinking about work morning to night, frantic, rushing. my success was up, down, up, down, six months of nothing, up, down, up, down. Now every month is more successful than the last but I'm slower. It's so counterintuitive, but that is how the A DHD brain, we get off the rails When we're dysregulated, we're not able to make as thoughtful decisions. We're not able to prioritize.'cause when we are in fight or flight, the prefrontal cortex is turned off. That's decision making. That's logical thinking. That's prioritizing, that's discerning what's good, better, best. That's long-term planning. All of that gets shut off when we're and frantic. Yet we think when we're rushing and frantic, we're more productive. No, we're actually just spending a lot of time on things that need no attention. We're just reacting. Oh, an email popped up. Let me do that. Maybe that email is of no importance. You need to be doing your other work. But when we're dysregulated, we just react to what's in front of us. There's very little thoughtfulness. We're not able to stay on task. Easily distracted, then we procrastinate, it's a whole mess. Regulation is so cool. I just love it, because I still have ADHD, I still have a calendar of insanity in detail, because I need that. There's still supports I need, but the supports I need are so like, dropping the ocean at this point. It's who cares? That doesn't hinder me at all. And then, when we're regulated, that's also when the superpowers of ADHD come out. Because I know people talk about superpowers and people are like I don't have any, I just struggle. It's probably because you're dysregulated, there's no space for that sparkle that we do have to get utilized and really show itself. Because at this point, I see ADHD as, it's only brought me good. especially currently, as a regulated ADHD er, where it comes out is only positive. You posted a video the other day about actually taking time to go to the bathroom. This is so relevant because we often put off these things where we take care of our bodies. Yeah. But we're do it. We're like, Oh, let me just finish this email as you were talking about. And the first thing I said what if I forget? What if I forget what I was doing? And you're like, but you're gonna say what if you forget? And if you're regulated, you won't. And I'm like, how dare you? But I loved what you said, because Oftentimes we are so go, go, go because we know if we don't do it now, it's not going to happen. Or it's not going to happen until I remember a month later and I'm like, shoot now if I don't do that now, then it's not going to happen. But I do find as I'm putting in the work to be more mindful on a regular basis, I do get way more done and not in a way that's frantic, but in a way that just makes sense for myself, my family. And, oh my gosh, your words are so powerful, and thank you for saying about the superpower too, because I think my brain is fascinating. So things that I can come up with and I'm still learning to use my voice in a way where I can show up authentically, because the things I think of up here, I'm just like, oh, If I could communicate that would be so incredible. So I'm working through that aspect of things, taking what's up here and really effectively putting it out there so that I can show up as who I really am and all of these beautiful thoughts that I have. So tell us about how do you organize your day in a way that makes sense for you? What helps you? organize your brain. I organize through regulation, prioritizing enjoyment and really, if you have those two things, your brain knows what to do. We're not stupid. We're so smart. Like the people I work with, I'm like, you're all so cool. So smart. So interesting. And there's just this dysregulation hindering all this root truth that we have. That's so great. As a regulated person, When you're just calm and present and your prefrontal cortex is turned on and you're able to think logically and prioritize and slow down and maybe take five minutes at the beginning of the day. Okay, what does my day look like? Where are my tasks? Where might my tasks fit? Okay, I'm gonna have a realistic expectation for myself. I'm not trying to do 10, 000 things because I'm not in a frantic rush. I know things will eventually get done. That's all my clients say they hear me in their head like, do, do, do just doing the thing. Now I'm doing this. That's the cadence we want for life is just like this nice little slow march through life, consistently chugging along. Part of that might be a. Lunch break, part of that might be a little lay down. It's not saying we have to work all the time, but it's just this gentle rhythm to life that's sustainable. Like I can work the way I'm working for 10 more years. I don't have dread about that. Whereas prior in my other business I was like, I'm hanging on by a thread. And there's no way to live. We're just, it's just passing it by and we're just trying to get the next thing done so we can get it over with. And then eventually you look up in 10 years has passed and your life is passing you by. And so it's just such important work, this kind of bigger picture stuff and slowing down so that you then can be organized. And that's why I like this work is because you just do it and see what happens. regulate and I want to see what happens. Like it's not, okay, now I got to be really organized and thoughtful and we're not white knuckling it. We're changing kind of the foundation and then seeing what grows from there. And that's what I have found. I have not been meticulous about work. I have not been Scheming and really thinking, okay, what's my next step? I'm just going with the flow and it's been so successful because I'm not fighting against my brain or in a dysregulated state where I'm not being thoughtful. It's like slow, steady, do the next thing that makes sense as it comes being more present. And that has created so much flow. So it's like more success, but it comes easier. So whether anyone is a nine to five is a at home parent, whatever you work at all day. If you do it in a regulated way, your entire experience of it is going to be totally different. do you have a routine that you follow regularly that helps you stay regulated? no, my work that I teach is mostly like in the moment regulation. So when I like, even now I'll notice while I'm rushing to wash the dishes. Oh, okay. Slow down. That's the work I teach, is in the moment, are you identifying where you're dysregulated and dropping straight into doing something about it? This isn't about meditating for an hour, this isn't about yoga, this isn't about a manufactured moment of regulation. I want us to be able to regulate when my kids are screaming. I want to be able to regulate when I'm washing the dishes. I want to be able to regulate when I'm on a call with somebody. I don't need to be able to regulate in a nice warm yoga class where some woman's talking to me in a soothing voice. Yeah, I'm going to be able to be calm in that space, but can I be in my logical mind and in a place that's regulated and calm day to day, moment to moment as I do life? Which is why this works also great because it's no we're not adding anything to anyone's to do list. I'm not adding more to your life. There's nothing on there should be nothing like written down in your calendar that you have to do when I do this work with people. It's simply carrying this. With you, as you do the life you're already living. I'll still have stuff come up. I was late for an appointment and I noticed I was getting a bit frazzled and I was like, Okay, just cause I'm late, my stomach being in my throat's not gonna help. Taking a deep breath, I was rushing to the car and I stopped and I walked in a nice pace, got in the car, put my music on, enjoyed the 10 minute drive to the appointment. It's gonna be a 10 minute drive whether I'm freaking out or whether I'm calm. So I'm just going to chill, enjoy my music, sing along to my songs, very loudly, have some fun, and I'll get there when I get there. And then in the end I was there on time, which is funny. I think a lot of times we freak out and it's actually fine. So that's the work, it's in the moment, living in this way. And at first it starts in just little blips, right? You might do it a 10 seconds. Great. But then those blips grow and grow and it spreads where soon the dysregulation really sticks out because you're actually more regulated than you are. Disregulated. I continuously say, Oh my gosh, my inner self talk or catastrophizing a situation is doing no one any good, particularly me, because it comes with all of these emotions. And so instead of thinking about the past and all of these things I've been told or thinking about the future and how bad things could happen, just staying right here with my brain and saying, I am exactly where I need to be in this moment. I'm going to get there safely. Everything is okay. I can continue to enjoy life and I don't need to worry about what's happening on the other end. Okay, so tell me though, how does one regulate? when their kids are throwing temper tantrums. That's the hardest. that's the thing that'll trigger me the most and dysregulate me the most with this current phase of life. So it's just being aware of it. I'm aware that their screaming is not about them screaming, it's about the feelings that the dysregulation is creating in me and my reaction is because of me, it's not because of them. But even having that awareness is I might still get impatient, I might still be snippy, but I can catch myself and be like, sorry I just need a minute. Or I take a deep breath and at least let them be screaming, but I'm not also yelling on top of it. So it's, that part for me still work in progress, but the day to day, like getting up in the morning, working, taking care of kids. Having fun, doing stuff, doing life, taking care of my house, that is in the, it's pretty steadily at a do, do, one thing, now I'm doing the next. Oh my gosh, I love this. And so that's what I'm going for, but then of course there's going to be heightened moments where I'm still like, oh, I'm feeling the dysregulation and I need grapple with this for a little bit to come back down. But in those moments, simple tools like taking a deep breath, noticing how you're rushing, even that from when I'm talking fast, when I take a breath and take a second, my body, the energy feels different. It's a bit softer. My favorite tool is just slowing down. So if you're physically rushing, Stop yourself and then continue at a reasonable pace. So you're running down the hallway to your meeting. Stop. I don't care that 30 seconds to get there is not gonna, it's not worth that dysregulation. If we got to really have in our minds, if you want to do this work, like someone said, so you're saying stay regulated at all costs. I'm like, essentially like that has to be the most important thing. Cause we're rewiring the brain to function in a whole new way. So you gotta do it again and again. Your brain's going to have reasons. I'm in a rush. So I have to rush. Or I'm late, so I have to go fast or run. Or there's so much to do. I have to be frantic. It's such a crazy week at work. I'll work on this next week. You will always find a reason that you need to be frantic and be rushing because that's also what we've tied to this feeling of productivity is if I'm doing it in a nice, even keeled way, I'm not working hard enough. And then it's a whole thing. So it's lots to rework. But even if everyone who's listening to this just started by when you notice you're rushing for any reason, stop for a second and then continue at a reasonable pace. So dishes, it's Oh, I'm just want to get this over with so I can go lay down. I'm just here present with the dishes, washing them. This is just much a part of life is going and laying down is. So let me just be here. And that's how we retrain the brain and body to pretty much say you're safe. You can just be here. There's no bear chasing you. Everything's fine. Then you can just be, and then you just do. And then the idea of, wow, I did the dishes and I did the laundry and I vacuumed. You're not exhausted from it. Cause you haven't exerted a thousand percent more energy, just stressing about it and being frantic about it. You just simply did the tasks. It's not the tasks that exhaust us. It's the way we do them. It is the dysregulation we have around them that is like so draining and exhausting and overwhelming all of that. when I was working with my therapist, she did not have ADHD. And there was one thing that she said to me she said that I was doing so much. Maybe I just shouldn't be anymore. And I was like, I got so annoyed at her, but I was like, we're done. How dare you tell me that I can't do it all. It soothes that dysregulation to go, go, go. That's another thing is like how to sit with the dysregulation and be with discomfort and not use something external to soothe it. It's going to be such a lifesaver. Cause that's why we scroll. That's why we shop. That's why we eat. That's why we distract ourselves and are running around all evening when you could be resting, but no, I'm fidgeting around the house all night because we're unable to sit for a second because there's dysregulation and we don't know how to internally work on it, so that's what we learn in the work I do. How do I calm this down internally? Myself, so that I'm not reliant on a phone. So I'm not reliant on spending money to sooth me for two minutes and then I feel guilty after. Like those things aren't helping. It's just masking it for a second. But this primal fight or flight part of us, it's survival mode. It only cares about you feeling better right now. It just wants to survive. It does not care that your future self is going to pay for it. It honestly doesn't. It's just trying to get through the day. Similar to someone who, yeah, I'm going to steal because I'm starving. I don't really care if I'm going to go to jail later. I need food now you don't care about, you just care about the now. Cause you're just trying to not die. That's what the dysregulation is this is so uncomfortable. I'm feeling unsafe. I'm feeling, like my life is in danger. And I get that people are like, I don't feel like that. Not consciously, but that's what the body's, functions are feeling. And so yeah, I don't care if I really should be doing my work. I'm going to scroll for two hours because that's making me feel better. That's soothing this discomfort or distracting from this discomfort. And then two months later you go, why the hell am I always on my phone? I'm so frustrated. It's not even a choice. It's compulsive at this point. This is not a conscious choice. And so when we're feeling like the things we're doing is compulsive, we have no choice. That's when you know dysregulation is present because your subconscious is then doing things to make you feel better because you're not consciously aware that you're dysregulated and then working on regulation. If you consciously work on regulating, the subconscious doesn't need to go for the phone and the spending and the food and the substances. I'm not saying addiction, but I'm just saying if you're in the habit of, oh, I, smoke at night to calm myself down. is that just dysregulation? And you're just using something external to regulate you temporarily or soothe that dysregulation when we could actually do some bigger picture work where you don't need that. You could choose to do that. And that could be a conscious choice of something you enjoy. But when it feels compulsive, that's when we know, Ooh, nobody wants that. I don't want things to feel compulsive. I want to feel like I'm choosing, even if I'm choosing to scroll, even if I'm choosing to eat a snack, I'm choosing to spend money. I want it to be my conscious mind's choice. Not like shit, why did I do that? That's such a bad feeling. It's first, how dare you call us all out? And also thank you because so much of that resonated with me. And I know so many of my listeners, aside from being mindful in that moment, how do you work on being okay? with the uncomfortable. Yeah. I do think that sometimes it just takes doing it right. I'm aware that I'm running around and busy because this is uncomfortable. Then it might be when you're ready to challenge that. Yeah. I'm not saying you have to do it immediately when you're ready. Okay. I don't want to have to, this is compulsive at this point. I don't want to have to, I want to be able to rest. I don't want to be running around constantly all the time, making myself busy work to avoid these feelings. Okay. So I'm gonna choose to sit for 10 minutes and just work on taking some deep breaths to calm my body down and show myself that I won't die. Honestly, it's like this discomfort will not kill me. But if I'm running around masking it, how am I ever going to know that? So obviously that's a bigger example, but even, just even this idea of Oh, my heart's racing fast and I'm running around frantically. Okay, I'm going to choose to stop and it might still be uncomfortable for a bit, but I'm going to, okay, let me continue this at a slower pace. And that might be uncomfortable, but it's just showing your brain and body. But yeah, being able to settle it down internally and takes a lot of repetition and a lot of practice. So although it's very simple and something that I hope people can carry with them and not have to be like, wait, what am I supposed to do? It's pretty easy. It's not complex, but it takes a lot of, repetition. So that person might sit for five minutes and then they're back being busy again. Great. At least they did a little blip. They tweaked it a little bit. They challenged that a little bit. So you might be rushing around all day, and you didn't rush for two minutes that day. Amazing. That's a great start. We have to, just have to get those little drops of regulation, feel what that's like, and then you start remembering what that felt like, and then you start growing, and then you build this capacity for yourself to live in that way, and then you start seeing the benefits of living that way, and then it starts happening more and more. Where soon you just feel like, wow, I feel really regulated. Obviously I'm going to have things that happen to dysregulate me. But even in those moments, I have the tools. I have the awareness to calm it down very quickly. Like at this point, when I'm dysregulated, I can like, like it smacks me right in the face. I feel it so strongly and I can come right back down. Whereas that used to just be my state of being. It didn't feel weird. Cause it was normal now regulation and being present and calm feels more normal. So when I'm dysregulated, it really sticks out. then it's so easy to work on it because it's not hiding. That is huge. And I appreciate you saying it could be five minutes, it could be 10 minutes, it could be two minutes, maybe even 30 seconds, but sometimes we feel like we have to be perfect, right? Okay. If I'm going to be regulated, then I want to do it perfect. Then I want to be regulated to the point, but it's a practice. It is a one step at a time. Itsy bitsy teeny weenie step in the right direction in the direction those skills. It's a building skill. It happens over time with repetition. And then part of this work regulating work, regulating our thinking, right? Cause all or nothing thinking black and white thinking we need flexible thinking. So even that is part of it, right? Of like being flexible with, Oh, I could try implementing this stuff. And it might just be like a little drop in the ocean to start. That's okay. It's not all or nothing. We want to challenge that thinking as well because it's also not balanced. Absolutely. I love the way that you talked about the belief system too, in that a lot of the times we might be rushing because we believe if we don't, others may look at us differently. It comes back to the people pleasing tendencies and things like that, I want to know, How do you view your ADHD I see that I see things differently. I almost feel tons of people are standing over there looking at it from that way. I'm way over here looking at it from a totally different way. Sharing about what I see and people are like, Oh my God, my mind is blown. I love that. I can see things, after working with people for hundreds of hours, I've put this all together and created these observations just from talking to people and making connections and seeing similarities And then it comes to me and then I create visuals and people are like, Oh my God, I've never understood what was happening to me. And now I put it into a graphic that's like I have a whole graphic of procrastination isn't really a thing. It's actually a cycle of avoidance. So I have this graphic that shows all the steps of this cycle of avoidance we get stuck in and how that's related to dysregulation and what we can do to challenge that and get out of it. and that's such a superpower. This isn't like me sitting trying to really logically figure it out. the brain creates the connections and I see it. And I think that's so cool. If you're very dysregulated and struggling, I totally get that those might be under the surface at the moment. It's there. It just maybe hasn't been able to come out and show itself because the dysregulation is masking all that cool stuff. just knowing I'm dysregulated, just knowing, yeah, I'm in this cycle of being frantic and rushing and then I crash. That's all you need to identify with to work on it. What do you say to people who say, I just feel like everyone has a little bit of ADHD? I would just go, okay. I can realize. But, there's already that saying out there, it's yeah everyone pees, but when you're peeing a hundred times a day, there's a bigger problem, it's yeah, everyone's going to get distracted. Everyone's going to be rushing. Everyone's going to do this. But, in my eyes, you know when you know, like I knew. I have friends who don't. Think like they, Oh, I relate to some of your posts, but I know I don't have it. I know myself. So anyone who, a lot of people work with me who are not yet diagnosed, and I'm sure 99. 9 percent of them will get a positive diagnosis. If you really think you have it, where you're going, seeking out an ADHD coach and doing their program, I'm pretty sure you've got it. Like you are connecting enough and struggling enough. And, Like having a hard enough time that you're like, yeah, this is what's up like people who are like, oh, identify that one symptom. That's not you. it's different. It's a different thing. It's like a whole network of issues that we struggle with. Oh yeah, I have a hard time focusing, like that's not in itself ADHD, or I'll even do posts about a small part of ADHD, like I have a post about like how showering I find difficult, or it's draining. And people are like, this doesn't mean you have ADHD. I'm like, I'm not saying that one thing. I'm saying I'm sharing a symptom of mine as someone with diagnosed ADHD who has a large. plate of symptoms that show up for me. It's not one thing. So I think just realizing like a symptom does not make a diagnosis. Yeah. It's much more complex than that. Okay. Thank you for saying that. I really appreciate it because it's been coming up a lot. This has been amazing. Thank you so much for your time and your expertise. Where can people come find you and work with you when they're ready to get regulated? On social media, I'm at ADHD with Jenna Free. And I did also want to share, I do have a free ADHD regulation guide. People can grab at ADHD with Jenna Free.Com slash ADHD guide. So that is something where people want to just go I want to know more of what that's about. That's a free thing they can grab. so good. Thank you so much. Thanks for being here today. Thank you so much.

45:06

thanks for hanging with me today. If this episode gave you something to think about or reminded you that you're not alone in this mess, I hope you carry that into the rest of your day. Right now, inside the community, we're focused on routines. Not the perfect ones, but the real life. Let's just start somewhere kind. We're looking at what's working, what still works, and what we might wanna shift for the year ahead while the community is closed right now to new members. If you're craving support that actually meets your brain where it is, get on the wait list at organizing an ADHD brain.com/community. Doors will open soon and I'd love to welcome you in. You can also grab the dopamine menu and check out some other free tools on the ways to connect page if you're just starting out. Zero pressure, just good stuff to help you move forward. And if you're curious about coaching, the wait list is open there too. I'm reworking a few things and maybe even dreaming up a group coaching offer. But we'll see. As always, you don't have to get it all right. You just have to start, and the perfect place to start is right where you are.