The Working Mums Podcast

Ep #45 - Navigating Challenging Holiday Relationships

• Nicky Bevan

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Can holiday gatherings be harmonious even when challenging relationships are part of the mix? Tune in to discover how embracing the power of unconditional love can transform your Christmas interactions and foster a more joyful experience for everyone involved. We unravel the art of managing difficult relationships by focusing on our personal reactions and choices, rather than changing others. By committing to show up as the best version of ourselves, we not only prevent negativity from taking root but also create a peaceful and nurturing atmosphere during these festive moments.

Explore strategies for maintaining a calm and compassionate mindset, especially when faced with challenging individuals. Learn how adopting a neutral perspective—acknowledging relationships without emotional weight—can reduce conflict and enhance your well-being. This episode guides you through the process of moving from neutrality to unconditional love, illustrating how this mindful redirection of thoughts can positively influence those around you. Join us as we share insights on creating a harmonious holiday environment, ensuring a more fulfilling and uplifting experience for you and your loved ones.

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Speaker 1:

Welcome, welcome to this week's podcast, where I'm going to be talking to you about dealing with I don't want to say awkward people, because there isn't actually anybody awkward in the world, there are just people but really dealing with those more challenging relationships over Christmas, because here's the thing with Christmas. More challenging relationships over Christmas, because here's the thing with Christmas. We tend to end up spending time with people that we wouldn't necessarily normally spend time with, and I coach a lot of my clients on trying to. They're trying to control or they're trying to change how maybe a visitor behaves at Christmas, and then they get kind of uptight and frustrated and then, leading up to Christmas, they're not really looking forward to it because of the anticipation of an argument or uncomfortable, awkward behavior, and they then don't really enjoy the experience of Christmas, and so, I think, leading up to Christmas, I would like to just talk about that, because actually, this applies any time of year, not just at Christmas, and it would be so lovely, wouldn't it, if we had a magic wand and we waved this magic wand and then people behaved exactly the way that we expected them to behave. I mean, that would be incredible, wouldn't it? Doesn't fucking happen that way, though does it? It doesn't happen that way, though, does it? It doesn't happen that way, and most of us think that people other people should behave the way that we should behave. So we kind of expect people and I know I do this. I'm quite surprised sometimes where people are offended by something and I'm a bit taken back because I wasn't offended in the slightest. And so we assume that people are thinking and feeling how we're thinking and feeling, because we don't kind of know anything different until we look at it, until we kind of expand that thought process. And here's the thing. So there's a concept called unconditional love, which I talk about in one of my earlier episodes, episode number seven, choosing love. I won't go into it deeply, but if you're curious, go back and listen to that episode. But unconditional love, I think, is such a powerful concept and it's a way of controlling you At a time when you have no control over someone else's behavior.

Speaker 1:

You always have control about how you think, how you feel and therefore how you behave. And what happens with a lot of us is we end up mirroring the other person's behavior. We end up becoming what we're judging them or moaning that they're doing. We end up mirroring that behavior. So if it's a teenager, we end up becoming the teenager. If we're judging someone for being rude, we end up being rude. I mean this is kind of human nature until we're aware of it. And as soon as you're aware, that's what you're doing.

Speaker 1:

Once you have that awareness, please have compassion, god she knows, find it funny and use it as an opportunity to control you, because in this world you are the only person you ever get to change and that you ever get to control, ever get to change, and that you ever get to control. So instantly realizing that you are not in control of somebody, positively or negatively. So this might be showing up as people pleasing. It might be showing up as trying to make Christmas perfect. It might be showing up as making sure everybody's happy Right and neglecting what you need. So this could show up you trying to make someone feel something positively. But it still doesn't work, because how someone feels is because of what someone's thinking and it doesn't matter how powerful a human you think you are, you cannot control someone else's thoughts. You can't manipulate someone's mind. You can influence and I would always suggest influencing from a place of love but you have no control.

Speaker 1:

So unconditional love is when you choose to love another human, regardless of their behavior, and for some people this is a challenge, especially with that person that you know in your life. It can be a challenge, but unconditional love is for you. It's not actually for anybody else, because you're the only ones that feels your emotion. You're the only one that feels your emotion. You're the only one that experiences frustration or annoyance or irritation. No one else does. They experience your behavior from it, but they don't experience that, that emotion. Only you do, because the other humans that you're dealing with are feeling their emotions. So when you focus on you, you choose to unconditionally love the other human, no matter what their behavior. This makes you feel good, and when you feel good and when you feel love, you will show up as the best version of yourself.

Speaker 1:

You don't then have to become the stroppy teenager. You don't then have to become the stroppy teenager. You don't then have to become the moaning relation. You don't have to then become the judging, the judgy person, and that's all you can. That's all you can control. Is you and it's a choice. That's all you can control is you and it's a choice. I'm choosing to love this human, regardless of their behavior, because love feels good to me.

Speaker 1:

And the way that you do that is, first of all, by acknowledging the opinion that your brain's giving you, with compassion there's no extra judgment on this. Noticing and acknowledging that urge to moan about them and judge them and try and change them. Notice that as well, with compassion, take a deep breath and then choose. How do I want to show up, what sort of human do I want to show up? What sort of human do I want to be?

Speaker 1:

And that control that you have over you and that choice of love that you get to decide has an influence on other people. You unfortunately can't change them or control them, but you can influence them and and your calmness and your unconditional love would have a rippled impact throughout whoever you're with. They may not be able to articulate it, they might not even notice it, but you will by how you show up and how you feel. So this is how you deal with those awkward people at Christmas and awkward really said who, like there is no awkward there. Just take it. And if you're really struggling, just take it to neutral.

Speaker 1:

I have a teenager. I have an in-law, I have a husband or an ex-husband. I have a brother, I have a sister, I have keep it factual. I have a mum, I have a dad. Just take it to neutral so that there's no emotion, because even no emotion will help you show up as a better version of you. So that's how you deal with people at Christmas you acknowledge where your brain wants to go, you take a deep breath and then you choose how you're going to lovingly and compassionately redirect your brain into that neutral state of I have, a state of the relationship, and everything calms down. And then, if you can, if you can step to unconditional love, even better, even better, because you will feel amazing. Have a lovely, lovely Christmas and I'll speak to you again at the end of the year. Bye.