The Working Mums Podcast

EP #48 - Embracing Authenticity Over Conformity

• Nicky Bevan

Share episode

Have you ever wondered what truly defines you? Join me as we embark on a transformative journey to uncover the essence of who you are beyond societal labels and external accomplishments. 

Through personal anecdotes and thoughtful reflections, I'll guide you to identify your core values like love, honesty, and boldness, and show you how these internal truths can serve as a beacon of stability in life's ever-changing landscape.

Together, we'll explore the sometimes uncomfortable but necessary path of choosing authenticity over conformity.

This episode also invites you to embrace the wonder of your personal preferences, those little choices that color your world and shape your identity. From the joyful hues of roses to the tranquil beauty of a sunrise, I encourage you to reflect on these preferences and see them as powerful anchors of self-awareness and authenticity. 

Discover how these seemingly minor likes and dislikes form the basis of who you are and the life you wish to lead. Let's walk this path of curiosity and self-discovery together, fostering a deeper understanding of ourselves and the world around us.

You can also watch this episode on YouTube with Captions - https://www.youtube.com/@TheWorkingMumsLifeCoach

If you'd like to have a chat about how I can help you further, please don't hesitate to click here & book a time with me, I'd love to meet you.

You can also follow me on IG @NickyBevan_LifeCoach

Speaker 1:

welcome to this week's podcast. I have a question for you. If we, if we were to put you in a room and we were to take away any of your achievements, any of your disappointments, if we were to take away your job title, your marital status, the amount of money you do or don't have in your bank account, if we were to take away your relationship statuses, as in sister, mother, and if there was nothing either side of you or anything above you and below you, at your core, who are you? I love this question and I coach so many people around feeling they feel like they're a balloon being blown around in the air by life circumstances. They feel like they're this boat. They're bobbing around on the ocean without any control over where they, where they're going or who they are, and they expect their job to make them feel secure. They expect their friend or their husband to be their anchor. They, you know, they're expecting things outside of them to create this internal feeling, and I was talking to someone about this the other day. They were like oh, but so, and so is my anchor. So if you imagine you're a boat, you're this little boat and you're bobbing around on the ocean and there's a boat over there and that's got your anchor. So you're going to try and get to that boat, but you're going to feel um, you're going to feel out of control and uncomfortable because and dependent on this other person, or you'll be like, oh, but that's the anchor over there, I need to go to that boat because that's the anchor, but actually the anchor is in the boat, the anchor is in you, you are your anchor, and when you know who you are at your core, this is when you become that solid rock. This is when you become that solid rock and then, regardless of what circumstances life throws at you, you can feel calm and grounded in any situation. And I think this is one of the biggest gifts.

Speaker 1:

Along with I have a choice is learning who I am. So I call these your core values. This is who you are at your core center, and it's got fuck all to do with a job title, the amount of money where you live, the car you drive, the relationships. It's got nothing to do with any of that and you don't want it to do with any of that. And you don't want it to do with any of that because if the external things define you, what happens if they change, then it feels like you might lose yourself and that's scary place. But when you've got your core values, when you know who you are, then you've got yourself. So let me share my core values with you and you might have a bit more of an understanding about what I mean then by your core values.

Speaker 1:

So my number one, highest priority core value is love. I choose love over any emotion. I describe things. I love it. I love it. I love it. I want to feel love as much as humanly possible, because I don't like feeling hate. I want to always show up as a loving human, as a loving person, even if that means I've got to tell someone some truths that they may not want to hear. I can do that from a place of love. Love sometimes sounds like no. Love sometimes sounds like right child of mine. It's because I love you that you now have to go and sit in your room for half an hour because you've just ignored me. That's not acceptable and it's because I love you that there needs to be a consequence. So love is that's why I choose love. I've talked about love a couple of times on this podcast because it's one of my core values.

Speaker 1:

My other one is honesty, and I've got to tell you, not everybody likes this value, and there are times when I choose not to be honest, and when I ever choose not to be honest, I it always feels a bit uncomfortable. So, as an example, if you've got little ears hearing this, you might want to pause it and wait till you're on your own. But, as an example, when my boys were little, around Christmas time, I always felt a bit uncomfortable because I was lying to them about the magic of Christmas, um and the tooth fairy, so. But I chose to do that because of the magic of Christmas. I chose to be dishonest. So sometimes, sometimes, we will choose very deliberately to go against our values, and that's okay. Just know that when you do that, there's going to be a discomfort, and that's okay too. You can understand that discomfort and choose that path anyway.

Speaker 1:

Another one of my values is growth, and this is an uncomfortable one. I'm evolving. I'm always growing into the next version of myself, and then one that I realized recently that I've just the last couple of months, added to my core values is bold. I'm bold not as in I have no hair. I wish, I wish that, with a case on my legs, my underarms and my mustache. But I mean bold as in courageous.

Speaker 1:

I realize actually I like being bold, I like being courageous, I love harnessing that fierce commitment at times, all time, but a lot of the time, and sometimes courage for me looks like not beating my, not beating myself up. So, for example, those first couple of days of my period when I'm feeling precious and I don't really like feeling precious, courage looks like having that compassion for myself. Courage looks like sometimes, nikki, do you know what? Um, yes, this conversation is going to be uncomfortable, but we're going to have it anyway. Bold for me looks like, okay, I'm really nervous phoning up this new person that I've never met before, but I'm going to be uncomfortable because I know I can help their staff, for example, or this client.

Speaker 1:

So they're my four values and I would encourage you to try and keep it to three or four because I just you know you want to keep it succinct, but when I know this about myself and that I have a choice that gives me this real internal solid like chink of armor, so if someone is saying something to me that could be perceived as negative, I'm able to stand there, that armor kind of goes, it clicks into place and I've got myself. I am my anchor. I'm not looking for it in another boat or in another person. I, I am my anchor and this is a skill, like all of what I teach is a skill that you get to learn and practice. And who you are really is a choice. It really is, and you haven't had this choice up until this point in your life, regardless of how old you are. How you've been up until this point has been conditioning, through caregivers, society, religions, social media expectations. So have compassion for yourself and and be open to the possibility that you actually get to choose. And if you're really confused about that, if you really don't know, here's a. Here's a little exercise that might help you overcome it.

Speaker 1:

Picture someone you really admire. Maybe it's someone you know personally, or someone in the like, someone famous. I kind of think of Taylor Swift. I think she's amazing, um, um, you know Oprah Winfrey, it doesn't matter. Pick, pick someone who you look at and go. I think they're incredible. And then what is it about them that you think is incredible? So when I look at Taylor Swift, she seems unapologetically herself. When I look at Oprah Winfrey, I'm like, oh my gosh, you were courageous. You stepped outside the norm and you created a life that was exceptional for yourself.

Speaker 1:

And what's fascinating about this is if you see that quality in someone else, it's because it's in you. I'm going to say that again. If you see that quality in someone else, it's because it's already in you, because you can't see what you don't know. This works negatively as well, by the way. If you see someone else being impatient, it might be because you're a little bit impatient. We can't see what we don't understand internally ourselves, even though this is unconscious to you at the moment.

Speaker 1:

The qualities that you see in another person are because they're in you. You have access to them. You have the choice to connect to that value and that way of being and grow it. So if you see someone as confident, it's because confidence is in you. If you see someone as loving, it's because loving is in you. If you see someone as courageous, it's because confidence is in you. If you see someone as loving, it's because loving is in you.

Speaker 1:

If you see someone as courageous, it's because courageous is in you. You already have it. You just haven't chosen to grow that part of you. You've just allowed the conditioning until this point to take over. Oh, I'm shy, it's just who I am. No, it's not. It's who you have been, it's not who you are Going forward.

Speaker 1:

You get to choose and I love that. I love that for you. I love it for you so much because it doesn't matter who you've been until this point in your life. You get to choose who you're going to be for the next 40 years. And if you're responding to that with oh yeah, but Nikki, I'm too old, that too is bollocks. I've been working with an 81 year old retired gentleman and we have worked on this and he has changed it. So I? Your brain has neuroplasticity. You can google that. It is always learning, it's always changing, changing until that point you take your last breath. You've got to want to change, and you, that wanting needs to be from a place of empowerment and love rather than punishment and criticism. But you do have a choice. So this is my gift to you who are you? You get to choose. You actually get to decide. So give yourself, just give yourself.

Speaker 1:

Over the next coming weeks, just ask yourself that question from a place of empowerment who am I? A place of fascination, curiosity and wonder who am I? Who do I want to be? What do I really like? Do I like yellow roses or do I like red roses? Do I like smelling flowers or not smelling flowers? Do I like the sunrise? Do I like the sunset? Do I really dislike this weather or do I? Is there actually a part of me that's like this is quite lush, like? Really start to explore yourself and that understanding and that choice is what makes you who you are and gives you that solid grounding, that anchor. And, as always, if you want to talk more, let's have a conversation. Have an amazing week. I love you so much. Bye-bye.