Ep #53 - How to improve your relationship with you

How do you currently talk to yourself? Is it with kindness or judgment? Are you constantly seeking reassurance & praise from everyone else instead of giving it to yourself?  

What if you could transform from feeling like a bouncy ball, constantly seeking external validation, to becoming a solid, grounded rock of self-assurance? In this episode, I promise to guide you through mastering the art of self-relationship, helping you shift from dependency on others for your emotional wellbeing to harnessing the power of your own internal narrative. 

Discover how the language you use to describe yourself, particularly your "I am" statements, plays a key role in shaping your reality, and learn how to flip the script on limiting beliefs that hold you back.  

Our conversation will challenge you to take a look at the self-descriptions that dominate your thoughts. Through practical exercises and discussions, I'll encourage you to differentiate between fact and fiction in your self-talk, empowering you to rewrite your story with positivity and confidence.  

By the end of our episode, you'll have a toolkit to boost your confidence from within, turning yourself into a beacon of strength and stability amidst the ups and downs of life.

You can also watch this episode on YouTube with Captions - https://www.youtube.com/@TheWorkingMumsLifeCoach

If you'd like to have a chat about how I can help you further, please don't hesitate to click here & book a time with me, I'd love to meet you.

You can also follow me on IG @NickyBevan_LifeCoach

Transcript

Speaker 1: 1:09

Hello, hello, hello. This week I want to talk to you about improving your relationship with you, because you are actually the most important person in your life and if you're the type of person that's constantly looking for external verification and needing your parents to be proud of you and needing your boss to give you reassurance and needing your friend to boost you up, and you're looking for your children to sort of behave better so that you're better, this episode is going to be really valuable to you, because there is nothing outside of you that makes you feel your internal emotions and your relationship with you is an internal game. And when you've got yourself, when you know who you are, you are like this solid, grounded rock to then be able to influence the people around you. We can't control the people around us. Wouldn't it be lovely if we could? But we can't. But just because we can't control the people around it, it doesn't mean to say we can't control ourselves, and this is the only. The only thing you get to control in your life is who you are and how you want to show up in this world with relationships in a conversation. But it starts with your relationship with you, and what's incredibly fascinating is how.

Speaker 1: 2:53

I speak to a lot of people and they're like, oh, but I'm worried I won't get it right, as if doing a task is a right way to do a task. But actually what's happening is they are frightened about how they're going to beat themselves up should they not get the desired result. So then they have to make everything perfect, or they put things off because they're frightened of putting things out into the world, or they're really needy and dependent on other people and it just feels shit. When you're reliant on the external things, you're more like a bouncy ball bouncing all over the place completely out of control, versus when you've got yourself, you are a solid, grounded rock, but it starts with you. So the first thing to become aware of is how you're currently describing yourself. So your I am statement, whatever you put after the I am is what you're going to create, positively and negatively.

Speaker 1: 3:52

By the way and I do this exercise a lot in my workshops and my group coaching, and it's definitely what I'm constantly doing all the way through a one-on-one session is I'm looking at how somebody's describing something, the dialogue that they're using, the thoughts that they're having about a situation or about themselves, but specifically talking about you? How do you describe you? I am? What Excuse me? What do you add onto the end of that sentence?

Speaker 1: 4:25

And here are some of the really common ones that I hear a lot across all the humans and it's I'm an introvert or an extrovert, I'm shy, I'm too much, I'm an overthinker, I'm not good enough, I'm not clever enough, I'm not technical is a huge one that I hear which is just rubbish. I'm just trying to think of some of the other ones that I hear. I also hear things like I'm a good listener, I'm friendly, I'm kind. So look at what you're currently saying about yourself, positively and negatively, and obviously, if you have a positive I am statement, keep it, tell it to yourself all of the time and really use that to boost confidence, to boost you. But I'm going to guess that you're probably not focused on the positives. You're more focused on the I'm a high maintenance, I'm not good enough, I can't, I don't know how and I don't know how. It's just a complete protective mechanism, but I'm not going to go into that in today's episode.

Speaker 1: 5:41

But first of all, you have to become aware of how you're describing you and then have a think those if we were playing a fact or fiction game. So, fact being something that every single person in the world would agree with, fiction being something that you're making up, that I am statement. Does that go under the fact side or the fiction side? And it all goes under the fiction, positively or negatively. We're making it up. Like I said, if that story is helping you, great, brilliant, keep it. If it's not, you get to change it. You actually get to change your story. Best news ever.

Speaker 1: 6:25

So the way that I started with this is this I started to look at myself and I was like right, I asked who do I want to be Like at my core? If I was sat in a room and I took away all of my achievements, all of my disappointments, my job title, my relationship status, the amount of money that I have, the house that I live in, the car that I drive, if I took all of that away at my core, who are you? Who are you? Who are you? And you get to choose what I call your core values. This is your inner armor and when I know this about myself, it's like that armor kind of just chinks into place and it holds me really solid and really grounded, really solid and really grounded and my core values are.

Speaker 1: 7:26

My most important core value is love. I am loving and I choose to love over any other emotion. I choose love, without question, every single time, and sometimes I fall into the trap of judging and hating and I catch myself. I'm like, hang on a minute. The only person that ever feels that emotion is me and I don't want to add more hate into the world. So I catch myself, I take a breath and I choose to come back to love, and love sometimes sounds like no. Just because you choose to love another human unconditionally doesn't mean to say there isn't consequence for their behavior. It doesn't mean to say you agree with their behavior, sometimes quite the opposite. But I choose love and I choose to move forward from love. So love is one of my most core values. Honesty is another one. Not everyone appreciates that value, but honesty for me, is very important. However, there are times when I choose not to be honest. And if I have that very conscious choice, I know that I'm going to feel a little bit uneasy, a little bit out of line with my like, my integrity I'm thinking about Christmas, things like that for little people.

Speaker 1: 8:53

I, my third, my third value is growing. I'm, I'm growing, I'm evolving, I'm changing, I'm, I'm evolving, I'm changing, I want to grow. So growth is one of my core values and I've added another one recently that I realized I'm really bold, and what I mean by bold is obviously I've got hair not the hair type bold, but I'm bold. I'm able to find a lot of courage to have difficult conversations or feel my fear and do it anyway, and I'm able to feel nervous and continue to do a presentation and enjoy it. I realize I'm actually very bold. I realize I'm actually very bold. So for me, I think, when I, when I realize, I think, for me, actually the three that really go oh, I've got me, is the love, honesty and bold.

Speaker 1: 9:53

Growing. Growing is amazing but growing is uncomfortable. But when I've excuse me, when I know that about me, then if my husband's about to tell me something that I know I could perceive to be uncomfortable in my head, I hear right, nikki, you have a choice and I'm able to sit up and I'm able to listen to whatever it is he has to tell me, and sometimes it's not always nice If I'm giving him a circumstance in which he feels threatened. So I'm thinking mostly money, like if I'm choosing to make a significant investment in life coaching and that's making him uncomfortable because of his money fears. I get to hear all of that from him without taking it on board. I don't judge him for it, I don't hold him against it. I'm able to listen and it is the most powerful, powerful gift I've ever given myself.

Speaker 1: 11:00

I had someone tell me once she came for a life coaching session. I think she came to the session thinking I was going to be a big cheerleader and actually I questioned, because that's what I do I question and challenge people's responses. She was not ready for that and so she came off that call thinking I was a complete bitch, and she said it the next time I saw her in person. She actually said to me Nikki, I came off that call and I was like what a bitch, you were a bitch. Now I remember that call and I know that I came across, I was questioned and challenging from love because that's what I do as a coach and, anne, I have a huge amount of compassion that she wasn't ready for that. So of course she's going to perceive me as a bitch, but I didn't, because I know who I am.

Speaker 1: 11:50

That did not phase me, it did not wobble me one little bit, and that is the power of improving your relationship with you. It means that then, if you quote, unquote, fail, you don't beat yourself up for it because your relationship with you is different. It means that when you're in a low moment, you give yourself so much compassion and you don't allow yourself to be a bitch anymore to yourself. It means that you don't need external verification. So then, actually, when someone pays you a compliment, it's a really nice thing to receive, but it's not a need to receive. You don't feel dependent on anybody and oh my goodness, if I hadn't have learned anything else in my life coaching journey. That alone is priceless and life-changing. So start to look at who you want to be, because an adult, you actually get to choose your.

Speaker 1: 13:01

I am statement, I am loving, I am honest, I am bold, I am growing. Obviously you are very welcome to take mine, but take ones that just take words that really just make you feel inside and really solid, really resonates with you in a strength. And if you're struggling with that, look at other people, look at famous people that you admire, look at someone in your life that you think I really like their qualities. And what's incredible about that is, if you can see it in someone else, it's because it's already in you. I'm going to say that again Positively or negatively, what you see in someone else is because it's already in you, because it's already in you. So if you see bold and courageous and loving and honest and fearless and kind and genuine and authentic in somebody else, it's because it's in you.

Speaker 1: 14:16

If it wasn't in you, you wouldn't be able to recognize it in someone else and choose your I am statement. I wouldn't pick more than four, really, I think three is kind of perfect and then tell yourself them, allow yourself to believe them. I know you won't believe it all day, that's not really the point, but when you say it it has to feel good like inside, and then practice them, write them down as often as you can. What I love doing is, as I'm falling off to sleep at night and my mind's just calming down, I say them to myself. I say my I am statement. What do I want to create? Who do I want to create? Who do I want to be? And I say that to myself and over time that's who you start to become. I would love to hear your I am statements, who you want to be, so reach out, either on instagram linkedin, send me an email. I would love to hear your I am statements. Have the most incredible week and I'll speak to you all again next week. Bye.