The Working Mums Podcast

Ep #51 - How to stop avoiding you

• Nicky Bevan

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Do you find yourself trying to avoid time alone? May be you keep yourself busy so you don't have to deal with that voice in your head! 

What if the voice in your head isn't telling the truth? Join me as we unravel the mysteries of negative self-talk and its invisible grip on our confidence. I'll introduce you to "Sue," the name I've given my own inner bitch, to demonstrate how this critical voice is a shared part of our human experience. We'll explore why so many of us feel compelled to keep busy and how recognizing these thoughts as merely a primitive brain function can be profoundly freeing. By understanding that our thoughts are not factual, we open the door to a new area of self-awareness and empowerment.

The episode guides you toward a compassionate interaction with your internal dialogue, suggesting that just ten minutes of mindful listening can transform how you perceive these mental narratives. You'll learn how questioning the truth of your inner voice and considering alternative perspectives can boost your resilience and confidence. Imagine the power in shaping your own story, rather than letting negativity narrate your life. This engaging discussion promises to equip you with strategies that foster a more assured and connected you, ready to embrace the week ahead with newfound confidence.

You can also watch this episode on YouTube with Captions - https://www.youtube.com/@TheWorkingMumsLifeCoach

If you'd like to have a chat about how I can help you further, please don't hesitate to click here & book a time with me, I'd love to meet you.

You can also follow me on IG @NickyBevan_LifeCoach

Speaker 1:

Welcome, welcome, welcome, my friend, to this week's podcast, and I'd like to talk about you much more specifically, your relationship with you. How, how often, do you allow yourself to just sit and listen to your brain, or do you find that you are constantly keeping busy, trying to avoid yourself? So you're constantly busy or exercising or socializing or anything that stops you being with you, and the only problem with that is that wherever you go, there you are, you can't ever actually avoid yourself. And when we look at a little bit deeper at that, you kind of get to ask yourself why do you need, why do you need to avoid you? And here's my hunch, obviously, if I don't know this for sure, because I can't speak to you directly, although I would love to but my hunch is that that voice that you have in your head, that every single human has in their head, by the way, is negative. So what happens is that when you're on your own, you are so much more aware of this voice in your head, which is negative, by naturally negative, and you believe it to be true, especially when it's talking to you, about you, and I mean this was the case for me, right, my voice. I call that voice, sue, I always get my clients to name that part of their brain. This is the primitive, old part of our brain that hasn't changed for hundreds of thousands of years, that needs to be always like included in the pack. So we people please, and we want external validation and that external people kind of acknowledgement in order to feel safe. And I think you and I think different is dangerous. For sure it's got to be all our fault. I, that voice. It talks to me in a way that I would not dream of talking to another human. I would not dream of talking to another human in the way that my voice talks to me and it sounds a little bit like this oh God, nikki, you're so pathetic. Look at you, aren't you pathetic? You're useless, you can't do that. You're not clever enough. No one wants to listen to you. Just shut up, stay in the corner, stay quiet. And I used to believe that voice. I used to believe that voice and it made me feel shit. So if your voice is anything like mine, it makes sense then that you're trying to avoid it. It makes sense that you might be trying to keep yourself busy and always distracting yourself, but it's exhausting and it might be that you can actually have time. Sometimes, when you are really tired, you give yourself permission to sit on the sofa and relax, but you do that whilst watching something. So you still aren't aware of that voice.

Speaker 1:

But here is the most incredible thing I want to tell you, and please, I really want you to hear this that voice is not you, what. I know that might sound a bit trippy, but hear me out for a second. And there are so many books that back this up. If every single human in the world has that negative voice and it's being bitchy to all of us individually, how are you then different Like?

Speaker 1:

Your voice is no different to that part of the human brain in every single human. So it's not you. That is the primitive part of the human brain. Your thoughts are not you and your thoughts are not facts. So when my voice tells me I'm pathetic, I'm useless, I'm not clever enough, it's not actually true.

Speaker 1:

I've learned through coaching and looking for evidence to disprove that thought. I no longer believe it. Is it still there? Yes, it is. We can't ever actually get rid of that voice, and neither is that the goal. The goal is to stop believing it. It's to build your self-confidence and your strength in engaging your higher brain and actually having that internal dialogue.

Speaker 1:

That might sound like, oh okay. Well, if that wasn't true, sue, what would I, what would Nikki do differently? What would I do differently? So if I'm not clever enough, isn't true? What do I do differently? Well, I go and ask Google, and if Google doesn't know the answer, youtube will. And if YouTube doesn't know the answer, absolutely chat, gpt will, and if none of those, it's always Pinterest. So I end up finding out what I need to find out, because I don't believe that voice. But there's a step before all of that, and it's a step that takes a lot of courage and a lot of compassion. So just have a go at this.

Speaker 1:

Put a timer on for 10 minutes and in that 10 minutes I want you to sit down, do absolutely nothing but listen to that voice in your head. If that has just made you go, what Cringe. Oh my God. There's no way I could sit still for 10 minutes, let alone listen to my brain. Just take a breath. This is not a life-threatening thing to do. It is actually a life-enhancing thing to do. And if you can't sit down for 10 minutes, you really need to come and talk to me, because 10 minutes of doing nothing does not stop the world spinning. Nobody dies, I promise you. So put a timer on, sit down for 10 minutes and, with a lot of fascination, a lot of curiosity, just allow yourself to watch where your brain goes. This does have to be done without judgment, because if you're judging your thoughts, your brain's not going to open up to you Like, imagine that primitive part. So for me that's Sue. Imagine Sue is this whole different person, maybe your best friend. They're sitting on the sofa next to you. How would you listen to them? With just fascination and compassion. You wouldn't judge them. So this is a practice and I want you to imagine you're listening.

Speaker 1:

You're listening to that voice as if you were listening to the radio, so the radio's on in the background. You're listening to the voice of the commentator and sometimes what you hear is uncomfortable, but you know it's completely harmless. That voice on the radio cannot actually physically hurt you. Even if they're telling you something very scary, something very sad, something very negative, you know that you're safe. And this is exactly the same practice. With that voice in your head, especially whilst you're believing it, whilst that voice is talking to you. Sometimes it's uncomfortable, sometimes it's scary, sometimes it's going to make you feel sad. But that voice is harmless, it cannot actually physically hurt you in any way. But until you start becoming aware of that dialogue, becoming aware that that kind of conversation, that those words, those sentences, those thoughts you hear in your head can't actually hurt you, we can't really move forward.

Speaker 1:

So have a go at just sitting and listening with fascination oh, isn't that interesting. It's gone off to the fascination oh, isn't that interesting. It's gone off to the shopping list oh, isn't that just interesting. Now it's beating me up oh, isn't that interesting. Now it's judging that person oh, isn't that interesting. Now it's worried about this situation. And just watch where it flits. Don't try and change it, don't try and avoid it, don't try and censor it. Don't try and avoid it, don't try and censor it. Certainly don't judge it.

Speaker 1:

And you will learn that after the end of that 10 minutes, first of all your brain might start to calm a little, but you're alive Now. If you're able to write those thoughts down at the same time, brilliant. But for now, just start to listen and if 10 minutes is really too challenging, start with a minute or two minutes and you will learn that, just like the voice on the radio, that voice in your head is harmless. And just be willing to consider that it's not speaking the truth. And the truth, a fact, is something every single person in the world would agree with. So where my brain tells me pathetic, okay, I might agree with that sometimes. Okay, there might be a couple of people around me that might agree with that, but would everyone in the world agree with that? I mean, if you're listening to this, do you think I'm pathetic? Probably not, otherwise you wouldn't be listening to me. So that voice isn't speaking the truth. But it makes sense, if you think that it is, that you're avoiding it. So therefore, you can't be with yourself.

Speaker 1:

So I will do another podcast episode on improving your relationship with you. So look out for that. But for now, just really start to notice that voice in your head as if it's the voice on the radio, completely harmless. And then you suddenly get to take that breath and then choose. And for now, just choose to consider that it might not be true. It just might not be true. And if it's not true, what would I do differently? And then go and do that thing, because that's how we build our self-confidence. That's how you build your strength on you being in charge, rather than that negative Nancy in your head. I really hope this helps have the most amazing week and I'll speak to you all again next week.