The Working Mums Podcast

Ep #56 - Sorry Not Sorry: A Deep Dive into Inappropriate Apologising

• Nicky Bevan

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How often do you find yourself saying "sorry" for something that isn't your fault.? 

In this eye-opening episode, we delve into the uncharted territories of what it truly means to say "sorry." We discuss how many of us are conditioned to apologise for things beyond our control, often doing so to accommodate others' expectations or emotions. This episode invites you to reflect on your own apologising habits, becoming aware of the difference between genuine regret and unnecessary apologies.

We uncover the power of rethinking how we communicate, urging you to consider gratitude or understanding instead of constantly saying “sorry.” Through relatable stories and thought-provoking insights, our conversation highlights how habitual apologising can erode personal empowerment and diminish confidence. You’ll learn practical ways to express yourself more assertively, prioritising genuine emotional expression while maintaining healthy boundaries.

Join me as we explore the art of apologising, empowering ourselves and transforming our relationships—starting from our inner dialogue to our interactions with others. Let’s reclaim the word “sorry” as a powerful tool for true connection rather than a go-to response that diminishes our worth. Don't forget to join the discussion in the comments and share your insights or experiences!

You can also watch this episode on YouTube with Captions - https://www.youtube.com/@TheWorkingMumsLifeCoach

If you'd like to have a chat about how I can help you further, please don't hesitate to click here & book a time with me, I'd love to meet you.

You can also follow me on IG @NickyBevan_LifeCoach

Speaker 1:

I've just had a really interesting conversation with someone about apologizing. So they came on to a call a few minutes late because their laptop was doing Zoom updates. So they apologized for their laptop doing the Zoom update. That was their initial apology I'm so sorry for my laptop doing an update. And I sort of challenged them with so much love because that's what I do and I said why are you apologizing for something that's not your fault? And they considered it for a moment and she said well, actually I'm sorry for keeping you waiting. Okay, so that is a genuine I'm sorry for keeping you waiting.

Speaker 1:

You might want to say sorry for that, but saying sorry for your laptop doing updates, which is something you have no control over, I don't think makes us feel good, and I witnessed this in quite a number of women. I see it in men as well, but I do see it a lot in women where we apologize for something that is not our fault. My friend did this at the weekend. They popped in. It was really lovely. They popped in for a coffee. They had contacted my husband. I was asleep on the sofa, so my husband didn't bother waking me up to tell me I was asleep on the sofa. So my husband didn't bother waking me up to tell me. And my friend apologized for my husband's behavior. She was like oh, johnny didn't tell you. I'm so sorry. I'm like, no, first of all he didn't need to tell me, it's lovely to see you and second, you are not responsible for my husband's behavior, so you don't need to apologise at all for that. And I find we do this. Someone bumps into us or someone bumps into me, and I say sorry for them bumping into me, and I think it's something that I suppose I've been aware of. I'm really trying now to thank someone in advance rather than saying sorry. So, for example, if I need to maybe change an appointment because something clashes, I will say thank you for your understanding. But it got me thinking.

Speaker 1:

So, going back to the Zoom updates, and my friend said I think it depends on the context at which you're using sorry, and I was like that's really interesting. So a couple of months ago I would have gone to Google, but now I go to chat GPT and I was like what is the definition of the word sorry? And it's actually really interesting. I'm going to read it out to you because I think it's really interesting. So this is chat GPT's first meaning of sorry.

Speaker 1:

So there's four. The first one is expressing regret or apology, used to acknowledge a mistake, an offense or something unfortunate, so their example is I'm sorry for being late. Another definition of using the word sorry is feeling sad or pity for someone, so expressing sympathy or compassion, which could be I'm sorry to hear about your loss. The third one is being in a poor, pitiful condition, so describing something as bad. Third one is being in a poor, pitiful condition, so describing something as bad, pathetic or it or inferior, so, um, an example they've given is that was a sorry excuse for apology or what I quite like it's. Oh, I'm feeling really sorry for myself. So that kind of that sorrowful as a, as an emotion, I suppose is a state of being sorrowful, or, you know, I feel sorry for myself.

Speaker 1:

And then the fourth one is feeling regret or remorse, so personal guilt or sorrow over an action. Their example is she felt sorry for lying, and I think it's really interesting how, as women, we do tend to say sorry for things that aren't our fault. Now, I really believe that if my actions, if my unconscious actions, have caused someone to have thoughts that make them feel uncomfortable, I will say sorry for that. I will say sorry for giving them that circumstance. But because of the work I do and that I know our thoughts create our feelings, I also know that person's thoughts create that person's feelings. So I never say I no longer say sorry for making someone feel bad, but I will say sorry if my, when I can see that my actions gave them a circumstance where their thoughts made them feel bad. So, and also they don't. A lot of people don't understand that their thoughts create their feelings. They really think I have upset them. I would say sorry for something like that, somewhere, that or something where I've given someone a situation where I could see how their thoughts would make them feel upset.

Speaker 1:

So I really do think there is a place for saying sorry and I think saying sorry is very healing. I think sometimes we can apologize for our own healing and our own release. But I don't think it's beneficial for us to say sorry for something that one is out of our control Definitely not our fault and and trying as if and then taking responsibility for how someone else feels. I don't think that's helpful to us. So some examples are you know, like I said earlier, someone bumping into me. I say sorry when someone bumps into me, or I say sorry for asking maybe a perfectly reasonable question, as if me taking up space or having an opinion like I'm sorry to, I'm sorry to say this, but what about? Or challenging something I and that's, that's the type of sorry that I don't think is helpful. So, because sometimes I think sorry can mean regret for something that we've done wrong, and if you actually have done something wrong, then obviously it will be healing to say sorry.

Speaker 1:

Or when you're saying sorry out of you know for someone's loss, it's appropriate. That's a genuine sorry, isn't it? I'm really sorry to hear your news. That's a sadness and a very appropriate you know use of sorry, and I think it might be appropriate to say I'm sorry for being late if the reason for you being late was in your control. But if you've given yourself enough time and something happened, so if you gave yourself an hour to do a 20-minute journey or a half an hour journey journey and then there were traffic lights or roadworks or a car crash, you saying sorry implies that you've done something wrong and I don't think that's helpful. But thanking someone for their patience, that feels good and this is the tweak that I think we get to make. This is the awareness. So if you're about to say sorry for something, just check yourself First of all. Go hang on. Is this a genuine mistake that I have made or something that I could have changed? Okay, fine, say sorry for it and feel good and use that as a healing. But not if it's not.

Speaker 1:

Don't say sorry for something that is literally not nothing to do with you. So a laptop doing Zoom updates, for example, the weather. I've had people apologize for the weather. How can you? Why? Why do we apologize for the weather? We can't control the weather. There's nothing we can do to change the weather, and I think this is a really interesting concept to kind of just consider what are you actually saying sorry for, and sometimes it could be a little shifting thanking someone in advance for their understanding. Thank you for your patience while you're waiting for something out of my control. Or don't say anything, simply say nothing at all.

Speaker 1:

So when you have that urge to apologize, just catch yourself and hold yourself in that urge for a second. That will be uncomfortable temporarily, but so is saying sorry for stuff that isn't anything, isn't your fault, and I think every time we do that. It just eats away at our relationship with ourself a little bit more and a little bit more and a little bit more. So what do I want you to take away from this? I think I just want you to take away some awareness in where in your life are you saying sorry for something that is not your fault, that you are actually not sorry for? If truth be known Now, that doesn't then mean you have to go around being a complete bitch and going, yeah, well, your thoughts create your feelings.

Speaker 1:

So I'm just going to be mean to you. That's not what I'm saying, but you know, maybe around mum guilt even Saying no to something. You don't actually have to apologise for saying no to something you could say. Thank you in advance for your understanding. I'm not able to make it. Thank you for asking, but I'm going to say no on this occasion, not oh, I'm really sorry, but because actually, when you look at it deeply, you're not, you're lying when you say you're sorry in certain circumstances.

Speaker 1:

So this is an awareness exercise. This is a time to think, right, okay, is it actually appropriate to say sorry? And to begin with, you're going to be doing this after an event, right, you're going to realize that you said sorry and sit there and go oh, was that really what I needed to apologize for? And that's normal. That's kind of mostly what I do with my clients is we're looking at the situation afterwards from a learning perspective, not a judgment or shaming perspective, but from a was I actually sorry for that? And if you genuinely were, fine, use it as an empowering, healing exercise, but not if you weren't.

Speaker 1:

So when someone says, oh, I've had a diagnosis, oh, I'm really sorry to hear that. That's genuine, that's true. But I'm sorry that I got stuck in traffic. That's out of your control. I'm sorry for their behavior out of your control. I'm sorry for the weather out of your control. It doesn't feel good.

Speaker 1:

So use this as an awareness exercise. Just start to become aware with fascination and curiosity. Where am I saying sorry? And is that a true, a true sorry? Or actually am I slightly lying? And that's not a judgment? Don't use this to beat yourself up. It's just absolute fascination.

Speaker 1:

If you're about to type, sorry for the delay, but the reason your response is delayed is because you've been servicing clients well, you're not sorry for that delay, but you could start off by saying thank you for your patience. That's true. Thank you for your patience. I'm not going to say sorry for servicing my clients, but I am very genuinely thankful for your patience. Can you see the difference? It's just so much more pure and empowering to actually say sorry when you only genuinely mean it and it feels good, rather than saying sorry for shit that we have no control over and it feels shit.

Speaker 1:

So just become aware and use that awareness as a way of going. Okay, how is that actually affecting me and is that who I want to be in the world? I really hope this episode is a thought provoking, empowering podcast episode rather than a judgment shaming, because that is not my intention. It's pure awareness. Have an amazing week. I'm not sorry for bringing this to your attention, but if you need any help with it, I am here for you. If you want to have further discussion, have the most incredible week. Bye.