The Working Mums Podcast

Ep #58 - Screens, Respect, and Crisps: A Teen Parenting Tale

• Nicky Bevan

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Ever found yourself matching your teenager's emotions during an argument, only to realize you've become the teenager and exactly what you're trying to correct? That moment of clarity hit me this weekend during a recent situation with my 13-year-old son over screen time.

What began as a simple request to enjoy the beautiful weather outside instead of gaming quickly became a test of boundaries. When my son ignored my countdown and continued playing "just a few more seconds," I faced that pivotal parenting moment—enforce the consequence I'd promised or let it slide to keep the peace? The fascinating part wasn't his behavior (perfectly normal for teens pushing boundaries) but watching my own internal response.

My mind immediately went to the worst case scenario —"He'll hate me forever," "This will ruin our relationship"—while I outwardly remained calm. This mental battle between my primitive reactions and conscious parenting choices reveals the core challenge we all face: when dealing with emotional humans, we often become what we judge them for being. Judge them for disrespect? We respond disrespectfully. Judge them for emotional outbursts? We have our own.

The breakthrough came when I focused on the real issue—respect, not the four seconds of gaming—and created space for both of us to process emotions before finding compromise. This approach, rooted in unconditional love rather than control, transformed potential conflict into connection. As my son's developing prefrontal cortex swung between irrational reactions and logical thinking, staying regulated myself allowed him to eventually return to reason.

Managing your mind and emotions might be the most valuable skill any parent—or human—can develop. It's not about perfection but practice. When we choose our responses rather than react automatically, we teach our children the same capacity. This principle extends beyond parenting to every relationship, especially workplace interactions where adults often regress to childlike emotional states during conflict.

Want to develop this life-changing ability to respond rather than react? This is exactly what I help people achieve. Reach out and discover how managing your mind can transform your relationships and your life.

You can also watch this episode on YouTube with Captions - https://www.youtube.com/@TheWorkingMumsLifeCoach

If you'd like to have a chat about how I can help you further, please don't hesitate to click here & book a time with me, I'd love to meet you.

You can also follow me on IG @NickyBevan_LifeCoach

Speaker 1:

Hello, welcome to this week's podcast, and I wanted to share with you a situation that happened to me over the weekend with my teenage son, and in the hope that it just helps you deal with your teenagers or toddlers it doesn't really matter what age the child is To just maybe deal with things a bit more effectively. So I am not. It is not my intention here to tell you how to parent. That is not what I'm here to do. None of my business how you choose to parent your children. But I do find it absolutely fascinating how, when we're dealing with children, we can become the child ourselves, and then the conversation is just very ineffective and it ends up to be a bit of a screaming match. So I've got two boys 13 and 14, about to turn, just about to turn 15 and then turning 14 in the summer, and my youngest, especially, is starting to push the boundaries of what's acceptable, completely normal. Testosterone is starting to kick in. Sorry, as I started this podcast, my nose instantly starts itching. I do apologize about that, um, but he's starting to push the boundaries. So this is a normal, completely normal process for children to go through. Ok, they're learning. They did not come out of our womb knowing how to behave. It's my opinion that it's my job as a parent to teach them how I expect them to behave, and obviously everybody's expectation is going to be very different. One of the things that I expect from my that respect by shouting, by threatening, by fear. I don't want to force respect from fear. I want to force respect from love. And my youngest especially is very quick-witted, very clever, is able to see a solution very quickly. My brain doesn't work like that. I'm more of a processor. I will go away from something, process it. I'll always come up with a solution, but it's not necessarily in that second, whereas his is, and I'm very aware of this. So I have to come up with kind of solutions ahead of time. Should I need to enforce?

Speaker 1:

The consequence and there have example is we were in the supermarket and I said they could go and get something from the like bakery section, a savory item from the bakery section. So they went off, chose something, and then my son also wanted a big grab bag, grab of crisps, you know huge. And I was like no, that's, that's, we don't need that as well. That's not acceptable. And so he argued as they do like, like, complain. We weren't, it wasn't our shouting. I was like no, blue, you don't, you don't need to eat all of that sometimes. And then, when we got to the till, he had sneaked it back into the basket and so we're at the checkout and he had ignored what I had said and put it into the checkout and in that moment I couldn't because my brain is slightly slower at processing I couldn't come up with a response on how to deal with that. Now, on hindsight, I would have just got. Actually, next time, if that ever happens again, it'd be like right now you're not having anything. I said, no, you can take everything back. Very calmly, very controlled, and so little things like this have been happening.

Speaker 1:

And then on the weekend, gorgeous weather here in the UK. I didn't want them to be on screens all day. My husband had popped out for an hour and I was like right boys, time to get off your screens, go outside and entertain yourself outside. Obviously they didn't want to do that. Who does? Gaming is so addictive. I get it. I don't judge them or shame them for that, because it's designed by nature to be addictive. I absolutely get it and I consider it my job as their parent to teach them healthy boundaries, especially on a gorgeous day, let's get outside.

Speaker 1:

And he pushed, and he pushed, and he pushed and it got to the end. I was like, right, if you don't get off your screens, there's going to be no. You will have no screens for a week. So I gave them that ultimatum. I said I'm going to put my timer on for one minute, I'm going to come back, and then it screens off. So I came back after a minute. I even did the old fashioned counting down from five to one, which I haven't had to do since they were toddlers, and my son still chose not to finish his game. We weren't. It wasn't aggression at this point, it was just like no, I'm having so much fun, I just want to kill this. Just kill one more person, it's just a and he.

Speaker 1:

So he carried on gaming only for about four or five seconds. It wasn't long, but he hadn't stopped by the time. And I thought to myself right, I'm not going to enforce anything now, but later he's going to not be able to have his screens. Because I said to him if he didn't come off, there would be no screens. And I've always felt that, especially having boys. I knew and they are now bigger than I am, I knew that I needed to enforce what I said I was going to do. So they knew ahead of time if mum says something, that's what's going to happen. And so, and after a couple of seconds, he did come off his game and actually he came outside and he helped me in the garden and we had a really gorgeous hour. He was digging some holes for me whilst I was planting some crocus bulbs and we were having a laugh and part of me was thinking oh, this has been such a lovely afternoon. I now don't want to have to enforce a consequence for earlier. And he's starting to push the boundary and he's starting to be disrespectful. Because one of the things that he said to me in that period was oh well, it's fine, I'm going to carry on playing. Oh, we'll wait for dad to come home then, then we'll get off. And I was like no, no, no, no, no. This is not a dad, a mom thing. If I've said something's going to happen, that's what's going to happen. So it was.

Speaker 1:

As the afternoon went on, I was then in my brain starting to think oh no, now I don't want to enforce this consequence because it's kind of going to ruin our afternoon. We've had a really lovely time. So this was kind of going through my head and it's not acceptable to be disrespectful. So when the time came and they were like, right, we can go back on screens. And I said to Blue Wall, you can't blue because you didn't come off earlier. And he sort of looked at me as if I was joking and I was like I'm not joking, I gave you a consequence that you chose not to get off your screen. So therefore, you're choosing the consequence. There is no screens now, mate, for a week.

Speaker 1:

He didn't like it at all, as I would expect, but what was interesting is his brain went to that's really unfair. It was only four seconds, four seconds. It's not, then, fair to have a whole week of screens. So I had to make it very and I get that that would be a very unfair, unjust consequence, wouldn't it If it was the four seconds. So there were a few things that I had to make sure that I did as the adult. There were a few things that I had to make sure that I did as the adult, because what tends to happen is when we're dealing with our teenagers or toddlers or any age or actually any other human on this planet. What we judge them for being is what we become.

Speaker 1:

So if you've, when we don't quite understand where they're coming from and their logic, we then start say to him Blue, it's because I love you so deeply that I am not going to allow you to disrespect me. This has got nothing to do with the four minutes. This is everything to do with you pushing the boundary and thinking it's acceptable to ignore a request that I have made. So by this point he was really frustrated, but because I wasn't frustrated, it didn't escalate, and so he was able to say to me I just need some space, I just need some space. I was like, not a problem, when you're ready to talk about it more, we can talk about it more, but this is not the four seconds, this is the disrespect. And I gave him some space.

Speaker 1:

And my husband got home and he got upset with my husband and Johnny was like well, don't hate the person giving the consequence, hate the consequence, but you can't go around disrespecting your mom and if she gave you a choice, an automation, and you've chose to carry on playing, then you chose the automation. So I'm incredibly fortunate that my husband backed me and he did say to me in his mind he thinks it's the four seconds, so that would be unfair, wouldn't it? So I gave him his space, wouldn't it? So I gave him his face, and I was then sort of carrying on doing my evening. But what was really fascinating, what I then observed in my head was oh my gosh, this is going to ruin our relationship. He's going to hate me forever, like he's never going to be the same again. My brain was really spinning out on the consequence of setting that punishment isn't the right word, but you know me setting that consequence. My brain was then going into this spiral he's never going to love me again.

Speaker 1:

And so I was able to, just for an hour or so, really watch my brain going to this worst case scenario and still choosing to teach my child respect. So it was what, what, basically, what then happened? Is he? He sort of calmed down a little bit and I, and then he actually came out into the kitchen and he apologized and we had this massive hug, and at that point both of us were crying because I said we had such a gorgeous afternoon, blue, I don't want to ruin that, and it is just not acceptable to keep disrespecting me. But because then he was able to calm down and his logical brain is now kicking in, because that starts. It starts, their prefrontal cortex starts to develop at about the age of 11 and it can take up to 25. For those teenagers it's interesting, because one minute they're just completely irrational and then one minute they're totally rational. Rational.

Speaker 1:

And so we were then able to have a conversation and I said to him look, I get it if you're thinking that four seconds is the punishment, but this is not about those four seconds. This is about you pushing the boundaries and starting to disrespect me, and that's not acceptable. So I asked him what do you think is fair? What do you think is a fair consequence? Because there has to be something. And so he said well, I think, maybe just the rest of today. I was like okay, so let's compromise no screens for the rest of today and all day tomorrow, and then you could go back to being on your screens. Do you think that's fairer? And he's like yes, okay, that's, that's fine. So what we were able to do is able to get to that place where we did compromise, and I was willing to see his point of view. I was willing to see his point of view. He was willing to see my point of view and we were able to have a much more effective conversation. Is he going to try and push the boundaries again? Probably yes. Will I enforce a consequence? Will I enforce a consequence Absolutely, should that happen?

Speaker 1:

But that is my job as a parent. In my opinion, my job as a parent is not to be their best mate. It's to teach them how to be respectful, balanced adults and, as a woman, I believe it's my job to stand up and have that courageous conversation from a place of absolute love in order to teach my sons that women deserve respect. Women's opinions are to be listened to. They're not to be dismissed. But that starts with me, and when you come at it from a place of unconditional love, it is just a more efficient, effective conversation versus becoming the teenager myself, becoming the teenager myself who doesn't respect me. You do this, you do that so fair.

Speaker 1:

I could have very easily have gone to that place and, trust me, part of my brain wanted to do that, but the absolute joy of learning how to manage your mind and manage your emotions is just the most valuable skill to learn and practice so that when these situations arise which they will because we're growing humans we can teach that love and respect and compromise. So I don't know how this is going to affect him going forward, but what I do know is that the whole process probably brought us closer together and created more of a connection than what would have happened had I have acted out of my childhood state and my primitive bane of bill and tars and Sue would have been ranting and raving and doing all the things. Bain and Bill and Tards and Sue would have been ranting and raving and doing all the things. And so I want to offer this to you.

Speaker 1:

I want to offer to you that when you're dealing with any human adult or child, just because they're in their emotional childhood state in that moment, doesn't mean to say you have to be. This is especially true in the workplace. To say you have to be this is especially true in the workplace. A lot of adults don't realize they have a choice as to how they behave. But having listened to this podcast episode and if you listen to my other podcast episodes, you'll be starting to learn that you actually have a choice. How you show up in the world is a choice, and I'm not saying that the choice should be perfect all of the time. I'm not at all perfect all of the time but even if we're 60% in control and deliberate, most of you know 60% of the time, that's going to be so much more effective than continuing to act out of your primitive brain. So I haven't shared this story as a judgment, as a shooting exercise towards you, as a look at me, aren't I perfect? That is not the situation, because I am not perfect parent at all.

Speaker 1:

But I do believe in the unconditional love and the way that I've said about approaching it before and this can be really shocking is I just imagine they don't come home tomorrow. I just imagine that in that moment, if Blue didn't come home from school, I would give anything for him to be stood in front of me, disrespecting me, trying to put something in the shopping basket that shouldn't be put in. That's unconditional love and it sometimes sounds like no, it sometimes sounds like right. It's because I love you, that, because you're acting, choosing to act that way, this is now the consequence of that behavior and you can't argue with that. You can't. You can't like, you can't escalate love, and if you escalate love, you just have more love.

Speaker 1:

It's the most incredible thing, but it's a skill that takes practice, and if you want to learn that skill quicker, come and talk to me, because this is what I do. I help people to learn how to manage their mind and manage their emotions so they get to show up in their life in the way that they want to show up. And I know that you fiercely love your children, fiercely love them, and it's because you fiercely love them that you might want to invest in this skill for yourself, because it has an influence on them as well. Have the most incredible week. I hope this helps and I'll speak to you all again next week. Bye-bye.