The Working Mums Podcast

Ep #64 - Why Sitting Still Feels Like Torture (It's Not Your Fault)

• Nicky Bevan

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Have you ever noticed how difficult it is to truly switch off, even when you finally have a moment to yourself? That constant whirring of your mind, the guilt that creeps in, the sudden urge to just check one more thing off your list?

What I've discovered after years of coaching many people now is that this isn't simply a time management issue—it's actually neurobiological. Your brain and body have become addicted to the state of overwhelm. Drawing from fascinating research by Dr. Joe Dispenza, we learn that the cells of our bodies literally become dependent on the neurochemicals produced by our most frequent emotions. If you're constantly rushing and anxious, your primitive brain essentially thinks, "Well, we're not dead, so this must be working!" This creates a cycle where stillness feels deeply uncomfortable.

The most amazing news? You're not broken. You're simply not practiced at resting. When uncomfortable emotions surface during moments of stillness—guilt, restlessness, inadequacy—it's not evidence that you should get back to being busy. It's actually clear proof that you need more rest, not less. Even more compelling is the emerging research showing that rest periods are when our brains cement learning and when our bodies heal from both physical and emotional stress.

In this episode, I share three practical tips to develop your "rest muscle": scheduling dedicated rest time like you would an important meeting (starting with just 5-10 minutes), naming the uncomfortable emotions that arise during stillness to reduce their power, and creating simple rituals that signal to your brain it's safe to stop. These practices have transformed my clients' relationship with rest and productivity.

What could you accomplish if your brain were truly rested? How might your relationships improve if you weren't constantly operating from a place of depletion? Try just one 10-minute rest this week, and let me know how it affects you. Your future self will thank you for developing this essential skill that so few of us have been taught.

You can also watch this episode on YouTube with Captions - https://www.youtube.com/@TheWorkingMumsLifeCoach

If you'd like to have a chat about how I can help you further, please don't hesitate to click here & book a time with me, I'd love to meet you.

You can also follow me on IG @NickyBevan_LifeCoach

Speaker 1:

Well, welcome. Welcome to this week's podcast. I just want to start with how absolutely gorgeous the weather is in the UK at the moment. We generally are not used to it being nice and sunny, but, oh, my goodness, this spring has just been so delightful and today there's clear blue skies, the sun is shining and I know I know, doing what I do, that the weather doesn't make us feel our emotions, but my goodness, my goodness, is it just gorgeous to have the sun shining.

Speaker 1:

And one of the things that I really love to do, especially when the weather is like this, is I like to find myself a little sunny spot in my garden and I like to either spend some time reading, or I like to sit and just be, just listen to the birds, just watch the trees blowing around, and what I've realized is that's a skill that ability to be able to switch off is a skill that not many of us have learned how to do or practice how to do or practice. So today I wanted to talk to you about the real reason why you can't switch off, and it's inspired by this need in me to go and sit in my garden and switch off, even if it's just five minutes. So I want you to just to picture this, that scene, a minute, where, like, you get up and you start your morning and you're straight into the first thing, which is probably doing something for someone else or it's I've got to get my run in or I've got to get this done before everybody wakes up, and so you're instantly rushing from one thing to the next, and that's how your day goes all the way until you finally sit down at like nine o'clock and you're like whoa children in bed. This is my time. But you really struggle to switch off because your brain is still whirring around with but there's this to do, there's this to do, there's this to do, there's this to do, and so then we kind of get into this feeling that we're really bad at time management. But this isn't a time management problem. What's actually happening is your brain and your nervous system. So time management might be able to help, but, like if you are actually not giving yourself enough time to do the tasks that you need to do in your day, yes, maybe we need to talk about time management and I've got a really brilliant episode. So go back and listen to the episode right back at the beginning on time management.

Speaker 1:

But if you're not giving yourself, if you just have this sense of I can't sit still, I can't switch off. I really want you to consider for a minute that actually the real reason that you can't switch off is a number of couple. It's a couple of things actually. The first one is the fact that you have a primal brain and that primitive part of our brain is designed to keep us safe. And when we sit still, we have this sudden thought I should be doing something. I should be doing something.

Speaker 1:

Our primitive brain and the cells of our body get used to that rushing feeling. It actually gets addicted to the overwhelm. If you want to learn more about that, dr Joe Dispenza is brilliant to look up, google him. But he talks about how the cells of our body become addicted to the emotion that we feel the most often. So if you're constantly rushing, if you're constantly overwhelmed and if you're constantly at that low level of anxiety, the cells of your body actually get not only used to it but addicted to it, and then your primal brain literally thinks we're not dead. Therefore this emotion must be fine.

Speaker 1:

So then that kind of rest is really uncomfortable because it's like hang on a minute. We're not used to not rushing, we're not used to not feeling overwhelmed, we're not used to feeling guilt, not feeling guilty, let's suck ourselves back and self-sabotage ourselves. And also, what happens is, when you stop, all of the uncomfortable emotions come up to the surface the guilt, the restlessness, the not good enoughs, the oh my God, did I actually say that to that person that overthinking starts to kick in, because now, all of a sudden, we're not distracting ourselves with being busy. But here's the thing you are not broken, you're just not used to resting. This is the most brilliant news and there's a lot of research coming out now around how resting, calming your like being still, is when we heal is heal as in you know, physically and emotionally, heal from our whatever, whatever traumas or illnesses we've experienced. That's the time we heal and, fascinatingly enough is research has also shown that that's when we learn.

Speaker 1:

So, if you've learned a new skill and you've got to that point of frustration, which happens in all whenever we're learning anything new, because the brain is literally rewiring, rest is an absolute, vital part of that process, because what happens and I can't remember the book that talks about it, but the brain actually re-watches that skill backwards. They don't actually understand why it does it backwards, but that is the point at which the learning actually cements down. So this isn't just vital for your physical and mental wellbeing. If you're learning something or you're studying something, rest is essential. It's not a nice to have, it's not even a need to have. It is an actual, essential skill that is going to enable you to become the best version of yourself, whether you're learning something new, whether you just want to stop snapping at your kids, whether you just want to get a more emotional resilience or, basically, you're just fucking knackered and you just want to rest. So that's the real reason why you can't switch off is because your primitive brain literally thinks the emotions that you've been experiencing aren't going to kill you. Therefore they're fine, and your body becomes addicted to that emotion. That stillness triggers the discomfort and brings up all the thoughts that you haven't been addressing. And that's not a sign that you're broken. It's just a sign that you're not used to resting.

Speaker 1:

So this is totally normal, and I'm going to give you three really practical tips that you can take away and use to help you in your resting journey. Are you ready? This might be one of those episodes that you want to come back to like listen to it all the way through, if you're driving, if you're out on the dog walk, if you're cooking tea and then give yourself permission, actually schedule in time, to come back and listen to it whilst you're taking notes. And then don't just take notes, actually put that action into your calendar to do. Because listening to me yes, hopefully it's lovely for you. I love doing it. I hope you love listening to it. But listening to this is not going to be what makes a difference. You going away and taking and actively practicing what the tips I teach you is what makes the difference.

Speaker 1:

So my first tip for you is to name the emotion that you're avoiding. So let me explain what I mean by that. I want you to imagine that there's a part of you that knows you need to rest, but at that point you actually managed to sit down. Or, if you're anything like I was and sometimes can be, you put off sitting down. So it looks like, oh, I'll just go and do that, or I'll just go and do. Looks like, oh, I'll just go and do that, or I'll just go and do that, or I'll just go and do this, or oh, I'll just finish off that and oh, I'll just go and do that, and then, before you know it, that time that you had allocated is now gone, that this is an avoidance. This is your brain just being really clever and avoiding stopping because something will probably come up.

Speaker 1:

So when you so schedule in your time to rest and name the emotion that you're avoiding so the most common ones that I hear are guilt, anxiety and boredom. So just acknowledge it Like what? What am I trying not to feel right now In keeping busy? What am I trying not to feel right now In keeping busy? What am I trying not to feel? And just naming it takes away the strength of it, it softens it a little bit, it just takes the ester off it. Oh, this is guilt coming up. I'm trying to avoid anxiety, or I just don't want to feel bored. So when you label it, it takes the edge off of that emotion which and hopefully when you go, if you haven't already, go back and listen to previous ones, because that teaches you how to actively experience the emotion and let it release you.

Speaker 1:

So, resting the tip number two is resting on purpose. Actually, this probably should be the first one, isn't it Resting on purpose, as in schedule it like you would a meeting. Put time in your diary as if you're going to meet a friend for lunch and I know that if you had a meeting with your mate at the pub or for lunch, you would not back out on that meeting. You respect her enough to honor it. And when you put that in your diary, give it a name that resonates with you.

Speaker 1:

So if you are trying to learn something new, give yourself resting for learning or this is my, this is like my recharge time and then commit to that time, even if you don't feel like it, and start small. Don't just go with oh, I'm going to have the whole day to sit and do nothing. Start with five minutes. Just start with five minutes and get used to feeling the safety of stopping for five minutes. It will be uncomfortable because you've got this I should be doing something, belief, belief. So it will feel uncomfortable, but knowing the reason why you're doing it, the benefits of why you're doing it, can outweigh your reason for not doing it. And when you put it in your diary and you commit to it, that just then calms the mind down. When you are rushing from one thing to the next. You could be like it's fine, because it's six o'clock, I'm just going to sit down just for 10 minutes. Just 10 minutes. That is my time.

Speaker 1:

That is time for me to be with my brain, because the other thing talking about the emotions that are going to come up, all the thoughts that are going to come up and if you haven't started the habit of learning that what you hear in your head isn't true, that are going to come up, all the thoughts that are going to come up, and if you haven't started the habit of learning that what you hear in your head isn't true, that's going to be an uncomfortable process because you're going to think that what your brain's telling you is true. But if you have been following me for a while, I'm hoping that you're starting to learn that your thoughts are not facts and it's only society that tell us we should be doing something that makes us feel shit. So it's really about learning that relationship with yourself, and I've got other podcasts on that. So please go back and listen.

Speaker 1:

And another tip that I think is actually a really nice thing to do is to make it like almost like a trigger, a cue, and give yourself something to do if you need it. So something like you know, put on two songs that you really love and for those two songs you're just going to sit and listen. Maybe burn a candle for 10 minutes and you're just going to sit and watch the flame. Maybe you make yourself your favorite drink I would suggest non-alcoholic, because alcohol numbs your emotions and that's avoidance rather than dealing with them, and just use that time to train your brain that it's safe to stop. It is safe to stop, and if you're doing this in just five minutes or 10 minutes, it is definitely safe to stop. The world is not going to go to shit if you just take a moment out.

Speaker 1:

So I'm going to go back over those tips, I'm going to rechange them around a little bit. So actually, I'm going to say tip number one is to schedule it like a meeting. Get it in your diary, start with just 10 minutes and do it even when you don't feel like it. When you're doing it, name the emotions that you're feeling, whatever comes up for you. Oh okay, this is guilt, this is boredom, this is anxiety. For some of you it might even be shame. They are not a problem, they are completely harmless. And then tip number three is to give yourself the couple of songs, give yourself the candle, give yourself the hot drink, whatever you need but use this as a moment to remind yourself it is safe to stop.

Speaker 1:

That is one of my favorite practices. I literally put my hand on my heart and I tell myself I am safe to experience this emotion, it is fine. So I really hope that that helps you to start to put in a resting practice. And it's practice. I use the word practice very, very deliberately, because it's not a skill that we get taught. It's a skill that you absolutely get to learn and you actually get to get better at it with practice. That does not mean that you are being lazy. Please reassure yourself that taking time to rest is actively benefiting your health, your physical health, your mental health and, especially if you're learning, you're learning health. So that's not being lazy.

Speaker 1:

And just try experimenting with this. Do it just like. Just try experimenting with this. Do it just like commit to doing it just once this week Just one, 10 minutes of doing nothing other than watching a candle, listening to a song or just focusing on a drink. And I would love to hear how this goes for you If you take this away and practice it.

Speaker 1:

Your brain, that primitive part of your brain, might be thinking oh my God, my life, I literally will die if I stop. Just find that amusing, but I would really love to hear from you about how this goes. So send me a message on Instagram, send me a message on linkedin, whatever your preferred method is. Send me an email, if you want to write in the comments of the post, or the youtube channel. I would love to hear how this works for you and your experience of it. It's going to be uncomfortable to begin with, but the benefits of learning how to rest are huge and you know this deep down. You know that when you're rested you are such a better mum, such a better friend, such a better leader in all the areas of your life. So it's about tapping into that intuition and that deep knowing that you have, and moving forward and learning the skill of resting. I hope you enjoy it. Let me know if you have any questions and I will speak to you next week. Take care, bye.