The Working Mums Podcast

Ep #68 - The Relationship That Changes Everything: You and You

• Nicky Bevan

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If you’re constantly chasing validation from your partner, your boss, your friends, or even your next holiday… this episode is for you.

This week, I’m diving into the most important relationship you’ll ever have — the one with yourself.

Because here’s the truth: emotional safety, confidence, clarity — they don’t come from the job, the money, or the people around you. They start with how you respond to you. Your emotions. Your inner voice. Your humanness.

If your self-talk sounds more like a mean girl than a mentor, I’ll show you why that’s not only unsupportive, it’s unsafe — and what to do instead. You’ll learn how to build emotional resilience without shutting your feelings down, and why even joy, excitement and success can feel uncomfortable if you haven’t learnt how to welcome them.

This isn’t about perfection. This is about finally being on your own team.

You can also watch this episode on YouTube with Captions - https://www.youtube.com/@TheWorkingMumsLifeCoach

If you'd like to have a chat about how I can help you further, please don't hesitate to click here & book a time with me, I'd love to meet you.

You can also follow me on IG @NickyBevan_LifeCoach

Speaker 1:

this week it has felt like, consistently, all of my coaching clients have been struggling with the same thing, and that's their emotions and what happens internally and with themselves when they experience an emotion. It seems like most of us are just looking for security and safety, and we're looking for that outside of ourselves. So we're looking for external validation, we're looking for the holiday to make us feel better, we're looking for our mates to go oh no, that dress looks really lovely, lovely on you. And what happens? Yes, that's all nice to have, but when we need to have it, it indicates that there's something that we're not creating for ourselves internally. So safety, security that's created internally by yourself, and you will not be able to create that safety and that security if you're beating yourself up for having an emotion, if you're judging yourself for having that emotion, if you think something has gone wrong because you have a heightened emotional experience. That relationship with you does not create safety. We know this because if you had a friend that was constantly beating you up in the sense that you know, oh, you're being so stupid, why are you feeling this way? You should be over it by now. You're not gonna want to be with them very much, and this is a problem when it's your relationship with you, because wherever you go, there you are and this to me is self-confidence, it's emotional resilience, it's having that willingness to experience an emotion and not shaming yourself or judging yourself for it. This sometimes applies to positive emotions. I coach just as many people on starting to be okay feeling positive emotions as I do negative ones. For example, I have had to do a lot of work around feeling successful, around allowing myself to be safe, feeling excited, because any emotion that we are not familiar with, that, any of our emotions, that's when we start to feel safe and secure. It's not the money, it's not the circumstances that need to change, it's not your partner's validation or your boss's validation, it's you. And it starts by making a choice, a very deliberate choice to not talk to yourself again like an absolute bitch, just deciding I don't do that anymore. We don't do that anymore. That's not how we're talking to ourselves.

Speaker 1:

And when you're learning how to experience your emotions, it literally looks like putting all your judgments aside and just noticing in your body where you feel it With fascination. You're a human being. You are going to have the full range of emotions. It does not mean something has gone wrong. It just means that your brain is stuck on a negative thought that's creating a negative feeling. Both are harmless. It doesn't mean to say you're a lesser human. It doesn't mean to say you haven't gotten over something. It doesn't mean to say you're a lesser human. It doesn't mean to say you haven't gotten over something. It doesn't mean to say that you need more money to feel better or a holiday to feel better.

Speaker 1:

You get to create that within yourself right now, and here's how I like to do it and here's how I practice it a lot, because some of my regular go-to emotions are self-doubt shame, fear for the future. I don't try and stop those emotions anymore. I've made the decision not to judge them anymore. So now, when they show up, I literally place my hand on my heart and I tell myself I am safe to experience this emotion and when your brain is spinning over making the wrong decision or something going wrong in the future, I'll handle it. Telling yourself I can handle it. Even if the worst happens, we'll be okay Because you are.

Speaker 1:

You would experience worry, anxiety, shame. You've probably experienced that many, many, many, many, many times in your life. You are not dead. Therefore, this should probably experienced that many, many, many, many, many times in your life. You are not dead. Therefore, this should tell you that that emotion is actually harmless Maybe uncomfortable, but harmless. But what's not harmless is you continuing to judge yourself for doing that that is not harmless, for doing that that is not harmless. And so this is the relationship with you. Right? This is you deciding right.

Speaker 1:

Regardless how I spoke to myself in the past, regardless of how I've been with my emotions in the past, from this point going forward, never again am I going to shame myself and my emotions, or if I notice myself going into that shame spiral, catching myself and just reminding myself oh, hang on a minute, I am learning how to experience my emotions. I am learning that my emotions are okay. I am learning that I am safe to experience my emotions. I am learning not to judge myself, because this is a skill. It's a skill that no one ever teaches you how to do it and no one even tells you. You have this choice, and it's a skill because we were not born knowing this.

Speaker 1:

Actually, I'm going to spin that back. We were 100% born knowing how to process our emotions. Only we were conditioned not to cry, not to have a tantrum, not to be overly excited. So we were born with this knowledge. It's just that, because everybody around us was probably uncomfortable with their emotions which is the case with most humans we had this unconscious message that our emotions weren't proper, correct, appropriate, even, and it's bullshit. But what's not. What's even more bullshit, actually, is how you're judging yourself for being a human. That, my friend, is optional. Your emotions are okay to feel. They are not something to shame yourself about and they are not something to judge yourself for.

Speaker 1:

I've spoken in my podcast before about how to actively process and release an emotion, so I'm not going to go through that again now, but go back to past episodes and look at them. I have planned better. I would have come up with the episodes that they were, but I didn't. So we are where we are, but the safety, the control, the security that you so desperately want to feel, which you think you are going to get from the money and from the partner and from the job validation, doesn't come from any of that. It comes from you being okay, knowing that your emotions are harmless, and it comes from you not beating yourself up for being a human on this planet.

Speaker 1:

So I would love to invite you to start practicing this. Just have a willingness to consider that your emotions are actually fine. Imagine me next to you. If you have to experiencing an emotion, what would I say to you? I'm not going to sit there and go. You shouldn't be feeling that. That's ridiculous. You should be over it by now. I'm going to sit there and tell you nothing has gone wrong. This emotion is completely safe and it's all being made up.

Speaker 1:

So I really hope this helps you, and if you have a desire to build your self-confidence, to build your emotional resilience and start to stop shaming yourself for your emotions, please get in touch, because this is what I'm an expert in. I was my first client. I've now helped hundreds of people do this and I would love to help you do it as well. So in the show notes or the comments below will be a link and you can book in a time to have this conversation with me. There will be no judgment. There will be no kind of manipulative hard selling. That is not my style, but I will be willing to fight for who you want to be. Have the most incredible week and I'll see you all again soon. Bye.